by Katt Rose
“I was begging you not to go. To stay with me. I don’t know how many times I said that to myself over and over. And then you let out a breath.”
Chase began to tremble next to me. I sat up in alarm and watched as his face drifted away to that night. I crawled into his lap and took his face between my hands. I forced him to look at me. “Chase, it’s okay. I’m here, I’m okay.”
His eyes fogged over and they landed on my forearm. He studied the scar and raised it to his lips. He gave it a gentle kiss and then met my eyes. “Don’t ever do that again to me. Do you hear me?”
“Yes. I promise.”
He wrapped me up in a tight hug. I gathered my arms around his neck and we stayed like that for a long while. “C’mon lets go to bed, I’m exhausted.” He plucked me up from the floor and I followed into the comfort bed promised. Chase pulled me next to his chest and intertwined our legs. I settled neatly against him and let the warmth from our bodies spill into each other.
“Do you think we’ll always struggle to forget it?” I whispered.
“As hard as it was, I hope we never forget.”
I sat up slightly. “What? Why would you want that?”
“It impacted our life so greatly, Em. It always will. It’s forever a part of our story, a part of his. I hope the sting of the memory will leave, but its something I can never forget.”
I settled my head on his chest. “I don’t think I will ever forget it either.” I let my eyes flutter close and hoped that a dreamless sleep would welcome the both of us.
My phone awoke me with a start. I groggily leaned over and grabbed the phone. “Hullo?” I croaked.
“Good morning my darling daughter. I’m still here.”
I sat upright, fully alert. I glanced at the time 6:30 am. “Mom?”
“You betcha, kiddo. Want to go for breakfast?”
I glanced down at Chase who had begun to stir. “Uh, sure. I can get you.”
“Excellent. Amy’s Café will be open. I’d like to go there.”
“Okay, I’ll see you in twenty minutes.” I ended the call and Chase propped himself up slightly. “I’m going to take my mom for breakfast.”
Chase smiled sleepily. “Drive safe. Enjoy your breakfast.”
I beamed and gave him a quick kiss. “I will. Go back to sleep.” I gathered up some clothing and tossed them on. I ran out the door and dove into the vehicle. My car sputtered to life rather unhappily, it was used to a cozy garage life and it was now forced to bear the bitter winter outdoors. I pulled in front of my mom’s place and met her on the front porch.
Audrey grinned. “2445”
“Excuse me?”
“2445 remember that. It’s the alarm code.”
“Ah, gotcha.”
Audrey shrugged as she slid inside the car. “Sam figured I should know the code. If I can remember it, then I get to use it. Can you imagine?” My mom crossed her arms and huffed. “Treated like a child again. Though to be fair, I don’t realize it when I have a lapse in the mind.”
My face crumpled. “I’m really sorry, Mom. Life isn’t fair.”
“No, it’s not. But you know what? Screw it.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. I said screw it. Life is short; I am determined to make the most of it while I can and that includes waking up my little girl before the sun comes up to take me out for breakfast.”
“Wherever this peppy attitude came from, I like it.”
Audrey gave a cocky grin. “It’s from living with the Lord’s shepherd.”
I burst into a laugh. “Oh, Mom. That’s awful.”
“It’s our little secret.”
I pulled into the near empty café. The soft glow of lights from inside dimly lit the parking lot. “We’re here.” We scrambled into the warm café, took our seat and placed our order. I grasped the coffee mug close to my heart and enjoyed the heat from the warm brew.
“You look happy.”
I looked at my mom. “Oh?”
“It’s Chase isn’t it,” she bit her lip, “and being back here I think. I know why you, correction, we left. At the time it was the right thing to do but you never belonged in the city, and with that guy. This is where your heart lies and always has. You were wasting away in front of me and your eyes had begun to dim. I’m so glad to see the spark lit again. It does a mother good to see that her children are okay.”
Audrey chuckled and continued on. “The day you cut your hair and changed its color, I knew you would come back swinging. How did he take it anyways?”
I leaned back into the booth and smiled. “He hated it. To be honest, I think it scared the crap out of him. I was doing something for myself and not asking for his permission, it was liberating.”
“And?” Audrey wiggled her eyebrows. “How are you and Chase coming along?”
I rolled my eyes. “We’re doing good, finding our way.”
Audrey grinned. “I always knew he’d be my son in law one day.”
“Ha, don’t get ahead of yourself, Mom.”
“A mother knows these things.”
We stayed in the café until the sun rose. I watched as a peaceful look filled my mom’s features. The sun danced off her clear skin making her appear almost child like. She let out a soft sigh. “It’s so pretty, isn’t it?”
I watched out the window as the sun’s rays broke through the dim blackness. The shale sky was washed away as shades of orange and bright red cut through, kissing the tips of the nearby mountains. “It sure is.”
My mom reached across the table and squeezed my hand. “I’m so glad we got to do this.”
“Me too, Mom.”
“Do you mind if we head home? I promised Sam we would go to church together.”
“Did I hear you right? You’re going to church?”
“Oh, hush. It won’t hurt anything and I was thinking of volunteering with the kids or a music program there perhaps.”
I stared at my mother, dumbfounded. She shoved me gently. “Don’t give me that look. It might be good for me to get involved with something other than my own misery..”
“Maybe,” I said slowly. “Just don’t go quoting the Bible to me.”
“Oh, honey. If I start doing that, I’m already gone.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
After I dropped my mom off I got lost in the radio. I was heading back to Chase’s place when I realized I was driving down Delway Street. I slammed the vehicle to a sudden stop as the realization came over me. The tires locked up and began to squeal against the frozen road. The back end of my car began to turn in slow motion until the vehicle had come to a full on spin. Shit shit shit. The car came to crawl until finally, it went still. I pried my fearful hands off the steering wheel and looked out the windshield. The nose of my car faced the wrong direction but I could not move to correct it. The simple task of manoeuvring the steering wheel and using the gas pedal seemed overwhelming. My body trembled like a leaf and the only sound I could hear was the blood pulsing in my ears.
Move the damn car. Move! I fumbled with my clumsy hands to grasp the steering wheel but it was useless. A full on panic attack was brewing beneath the surface and I was about to lose control. A cold sweat began to trickle down the back of my neck, and my clothes suddenly felt too tight. I unzipped my jacket and peeled the scarf away from my neck in hopes breathing would become easier. Headlights came toward me and the oncoming truck let out a blast from the horn. Still I did not move. My eyes wildly took in the surroundings and I settled my gaze into the nearby ditch. Red, so much red. Oh God, no. No, no, no. My breath came out in gasps as I fought with the car door to open. Once my hands steadied enough to clasp the handle, I kicked the door open and fell out of the car. I scrambled to get upright amongst the snow and grabbed onto my car for support.
The oncoming truck came to a halt and the driver hopped out. “What the hell are you doing? Get off the damn road!”
“I-I’m s-s-sorry.” I stammered.
“Jesus, E
mmy is that you?”
I forced myself to look up at the angry voice before me. Ah, crap. “Craig Brooks,” I muttered and let out a low groan. There was no way I could even pretend to be a confident human being at the moment. I was becoming unravelled at an alarming rate and it had to be in front of a damn Brooks.
“I can’t be here.” I cried. “I need to get out.” I kept my head down and began to walk away, leaving my car running in the middle of the street. “I can’t be here.”
“What the hell are you doing? You can’t just leave your car running and walk away. Hey! I’m talking to you!”
A door opened and slammed closed in the distance. In a single moment Miranda Brooks grasped onto my shoulders and stared at me with alarm.
I tried to break her grasp free. “Let go of me. I can’t be here, I have to go now!”
“Emmy what are you doing?”
“I shouldn’t be here. I can’t do this. I can’t see it again. Move out of my way!”
Recognition struck Miranda. “This is where it happened.” She broke her stare for a split second and hollered at her brother. “Craig, get her in the truck now!”
“Tell her to move her damn car!”
Miranda gripped my shoulders hard. “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” Miranda ran for her brother and said something in a hushed tone. It didn’t take long for Craig to pluck me up and help me into his truck. I watched as Miranda slid into my car and turn it around. She began driving slowly in the opposite direction.
“She’s driving to Chase’s. I assume we’re to follow?”
I nodded and pressed my forehead against the glass. My limbs still trembled but my breathing had begun to slow as we moved away from the memory I couldn’t escape.
Craig kept his eyes on the road for the most part; every once in awhile I felt his eyes linger over me for a little too long.
“Stop staring at me.”
“Just making sure you’re not going to jump out of a moving vehicle.” Craig cleared his throat. “You’re in a bad state, aren’t ya?”
Clearly asshole. “I like to avoid that street.”
“Yeah, I suppose you would. Shitty thing that happened, everyone talked about it for about a year or so.”
“Lovely.”
“So…I see you haven’t let it go easily, huh?”
“Craig, thank you for the ride but can you please shut up?”
He held his hands off the steering wheel in mock surrender. “Fine, I don’t need you freaking out on me.”
The rest of the drive was in awkward silence. Craig pulled up behind Miranda and she stepped out of my car. She stared briefly at Chase’s home and I couldn’t help but notice the faint look of longing that crossed her pretty features. I sighed and stepped outside.
Miranda stood in front of me and handed me my keys. I let them fall into my hand. “Thank you. I never should have driven down that road. I don’t know how I didn’t notice it earlier.” I sighed heavily. “I didn’t think about it until it was to late. It was out of habit…” I forced my eyes to the ground.
“It’s okay. Everyone knows what happened there. If our situations were reverse, I would have had the same reaction as you. Maybe worse.” She forced a smile.
Miranda’s eyes lingered to the house behind us. “I used to wish I could be you,” her eyes fell back to me and took me in from head to toe. “Now I thank my lucky stars I’m not.”
I winced at her words. Typical move of Miranda, a hint of kindness followed by her usual subtle blows. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.
A door behind us slammed closed and Chase’s voice cut through the silence. “What’s going on? Em, you okay?”
Craig spoke first. “Your girl had a breakdown in her car. She abandoned it in the middle of the road.”
Chase’s grey eyes flew to me. Miranda cut in quickly. “She was on Delway Street.”
I spoke meekly. “Thank you Craig and Miranda for helping me. I’m fine, you guys can go.”
Craig seemed relieved. “C’mon. Miranda. Let’s get out of here.”
Miranda gazed at Chase and took in his tousled hair and beard. Her gaze drifted ever so slowly before she tossed her hair over her shoulder. Her eyes narrowed in on me. If she could shoot fire from them, she would have. The flames would be aimed directly at my head.
I crossed the yard to meet Chase. His eyes filled with worry and he began assessing me for injuries. “I’m fine.” I waved him away.
“Let’s go inside.”
I followed him to the couch and we plopped down. I kept my eyes glued to the fire that roared in the fireplace. The flames licked greedily at the wood, which popped and snapped with defeat. “I had a good morning with my mom. I was on a high; the radio was playing good music. I wasn’t thinking. It was an old habit. I was simply driving down a street. And then, I realized what street I was on. I saw that damn twisted tree and it hit me all over again. I saw it. I saw everything.”
I took an angry breath as I replayed the scene all over again. “I didn’t think. I slammed on the breaks, the tires locked up and I swung around. That awful, debilitating feeling took over and I lost control. I felt this overwhelming need to get away. It would have been faster to take the car, but my limbs wouldn’t work. I needed to run. And then out of all the people in the world the damn Brooks had to be there. Not just one, but the both of them.”
Chase shook his head slowly. “Em, I don’t even know what to say. You could have hurt someone, you could have been hurt.”
I buried my face in my hands. “I know, I know. Do you think I enjoy this? Hell, even I didn’t even know I would react that way. I’ve never been down that road since it happened.” I forced my gaze on him. “Can you drive down it?”
“Yes. I avoid it if I can, but yes, I can drive down it. I don’t look around, I keep my eyes forward and just get the hell out of there.” He sighed and grabbed my arm. “I’ve had a lot of time to practice and heal. I’ve been here the whole time, you just got back.”
I searched his eyes with mine, wondering if there was a hidden shot amongst his words. I found no trace of remorse, just genuine concern. I sat heavy against the back of the couch and sighed. “I’m exhausted,” I muttered.
“Lie down, you should get some sleep.”
I stretched out on the couch, and Chase draped a blanket over me. He sat on the single recliner across from me and picked up his guitar. He gently strummed one of my favourite songs and I closed my eyes. His gravelly voice filled the room as he lulled me into slumber.
“In order for you to move on, you’re going to have to face what happened.” Elayna spoke in a soft tone.
I blew out a frustrated breath. “Word travels fast I see.”
“I wish you told me what happened, Em.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I’m still trying to come to terms with it myself.”
“If I can help in anyway, please let me know.” Elayna glanced at the time. “Oh! It’s almost time for your class. We better head in, we can’t have the teacher being late.”
I rolled my eyes and stood, stretching my back. I had taken on a gig at the local gym as a yoga instructor. It had been a long time since I had been through a good flow, and it seemed to help some of the unpleasantness that had plagued me lately. After the class was over my body felt limber, though my mind was still busy.
“You did so good!” Elayna crowed.
I couldn’t help but grin at her infectious energy. “Thanks. I was a little nervous in the beginning but once I got into it I felt myself relax.”
Elayna bumped me with her shoulder. “Nobody was the wiser.”
We chatted and headed into the lounge for a warm beverage. I skidded to a stop as I saw Miranda Brooks with her gym bag. Her eyes locked with mine and she smirked. She tossed her gleaming waterfall of a mane over her shoulder and strolled toward me.
Elayna shuffled uncomfortably and stood in a protective manner. “What does she want?” she muttered.
“
Hi ladies,” her eyes glanced over me. “I’m seeing you everywhere these days.”
“It appears that way,” I mumbled.
Miranda smirked. “What brings you here?”
Elayna piped up. “She’s one of the yoga instructors here. She taught her first class today, which was amazing if I do say so myself.”
Miranda’s face fell slightly. “Well, look at you go. I applaud you in your attempt to pick up the pieces. It’s like old times, isn’t it? Well, almost.”
My face fell as her tone turned taunting. Miranda skirted widely around us to leave, as though we were a hacking cough.
Elayna glared and closed her hands into fists. “I can not stand her. What’s her problem anyways?”
I sighed. “We’ve never seen eye to eye and she’s always had a thing for Chase.”
At the sound of his name Elayna brightened. “Things are going well between the two of you, hey?”
We placed our coffee order and sat with our steaming beverages. “Things seem to be going well. We know each other inside and out, and he knows what I-we’ve been through. It helps to have someone understand, y’know?”
“I can only imagine.” Elayna tucked her hair behind her ear. “Are you moving in with him?”
Her question caught me off guard. “Oh, I don’t think that’s a good idea. It’s too fast.” I set my cup down and let out a long sigh. “I don’t think it’s fair that we fall back to where we left off. There needs to be a transitionary period for us.”
Elayna nodded slowly. “I get it, I do. You do know he built that place for the both of you, right? And technically, you own half. You guys bought the land together, remember?”
“I know. I think its smart to take things slow, build up what I left to fall apart.”
“You’re too hard on yourself, Em. That’s what I think.”
“Perhaps.” I bit my lip, a thought forming. “Elayna, do you still have living quarters above your garage?”
“Oh the carriage house? Yeah, why?”
“I was hoping I could rent it out from you.”