The Royals Series

by Bay, Louise

  “Are you ready?” Scarlett asked. “There’s a great little boutique that I want to take you to that’s only ten minutes away.”

  “If you have the day off, wouldn’t you prefer to spend it with the kids?” I asked.

  “Are you kidding me? I spend enough time with them already, and anyway, I think they prefer Jenny.”

  Ryder chuckled. “That’s not true. I’m their favorite, and you just beat the nanny into second place.”

  “They only prefer you because you give them unlimited chocolate spread,” Scarlett said.

  “Whatever it takes.”

  “Seriously,” Scarlett said turning back to me. “The kids have activities all day, so Jenny is really just chauffeuring them around. We can spend some time together, enjoy the sunshine and catch up.”

  At that moment, Jenny appeared, all smiles and cheer, and I couldn’t help but notice the relief that passed over Ryder’s face.

  “Right, I’m off to work. Try not to burn the place down,” he said to his children. “And you two,” he said, glancing between Scarlett and me. “Have some fun and I'll see you for dinner tonight.”

  Scarlett grabbed some keys from a hook on the wall and her bag from underneath the highchair. “Come on, let's escape while we can. Bye, everyone,” she called as she swept out, blowing kisses into the air.

  I followed her—it was why I was here in the first place. To keep myself busy. To enjoy some time with my family. To be surrounded by people who loved me.

  The driver pulled out of the drive and made its way down the quiet road. I had no idea where we were going and frankly, didn’t care. The sun was out and I was three thousand miles away from Logan Steele.

  “Max and Harper are coming to dinner tonight,” Scarlett said. “It’s been so long since you came over—everyone’s dying to see you.”

  “Oh, how lovely. I can’t wait.” More distraction. More noise. I knew coming here had been the right decision. “Do you mind if I open the window?”

  Scarlett rolled her eyes. “Not at all. But I’ll never understand why you Brits don’t embrace air conditioning.”

  I smiled and opened the window just enough to feel the warm breeze on my face.

  “Do you think you’ll be able to spend some time in the city before you go home? I know Violet and Alex want to see you.”

  “I’ve not really thought about anything other than getting here.”

  “Stay as long as you like. Move in. I have a list of things you can fix for me. In fact, I bought some of those miniature screwdrivers you love so much.”

  I laughed, and it was the first time I felt it reverberate in my belly for days and the sides of my mouth strained at the unfamiliar position. “Well, you know how I like to be useful.”

  “Here we are,” Scarlett said as the car pulled into a parking space. No matter how often I came to America, I was always a little shocked at how different it was. Everything from the architecture to the fire hydrants were distinctly U. S. of A. There was nothing of Woolton Village here. Nothing of Logan Steele. “There are some beautiful clothes in here, a shoe store across the street, and a bistro for lunch at the end of the block.”

  I wasn’t really in the mood for shopping, but I wasn’t really in the mood for anything.

  Scarlett made a sharp left as she entered the shop and began to look through the racks of clothes in an organized and precise way, one item at a time. “Have you heard from him since…you know?”

  It was the first time she’d mentioned Logan, and my stomach churned. I shook my head and began to follow her, pretending to check out the rails of clothing. “No. Nothing.” A part of me had wondered whether he would have a change of heart and realize he’d made a terrible decision, but it was better if he didn’t.

  “I just don't get it.” She paused and pulled out a sheer white blouse, inspecting it front and back before putting it back on the rail. “He came to dinner, met your family. He seemed so relaxed with everything.”

  True. The last thing I’d wanted to do was to introduce him to Ryder and Scarlett, and I’d certainly never expected him to accept a dinner invitation. “I know, but things were really casual between us at the time—it was only when he was forced to think about the future that he clearly decided it wasn’t what he wanted.”

  “What about you? What did you want?”

  “At the beginning, the same thing he did.” I paused at a pair of jeans, but decided they were too similar to what I already had. If I was going to buy anything on this trip it was going to be something entirely different. “But then we drifted into something that seemed more than just physical. Still, he was the last person I expected to fall in love with. But the more we did, the more I realized that the list of attributes that I’d been looking for in a man were misguided.”

  “Yeah.” Scarlett cocked her hip and held a white sundress against her body. “It’s always the ones you weren’t expecting who cause the most trouble. Look at Ryder and me.”

  “I never thought Ryder would get married. Not ever,” I said. “I mean, I was grateful that he did—it saved Woolton. But he’d been firm for so long that he wasn’t the type. Then he met the woman who changed his mind. I just wasn’t the one for Logan. I have to accept that.”

  “Hey,” Scarlett said, sliding the hanger back on the rail. “Don’t look at it like that. See it as a warm-up. You haven't dated anybody for ages and Logan got you back on the horse. The next guy who comes along is going to realize how lucky he is.”

  Everything inside me groaned. The idea that there would be someone else? That was just crazy. I’d been on my own for so long because I rarely felt attracted to men I met—they weren’t worth the effort or the compromise. Once, I’d thought the same of Logan, but in the end I’d thought he’d been worth falling in love with. I’d been wrong.

  I glanced at Scarlett, who was looking back at me. “Are you still hoping he’ll change his mind?”

  “No. Not at all. It’s way too painful. I didn’t expect it to bring up so much stuff for me.” The feeling of abandonment had laid dormant in me for years. Logan ending things had brought it to life.

  “But you know, sometimes guys mess up and they put it right.”

  “Maybe. But the last person who’s right for me is someone who can’t handle commitment. It’s the one thing I need from a man.” I didn’t want to live in fear that I’d have to relive the pain from my childhood again.

  “You said he’d never wanted kids or marriage.”

  “Or even a relationship.” I’d always known who he was.

  “Did he just like women? Or was there some kind of reason behind that for him?”

  “He has issues with his father. But what does it matter? The outcome’s the same whatever the reason.”

  “That’s the problem with these high-achieving men. They find a formula that works for them and they stick to it.”

  “I guess.” The problem was, I knew he cared for me. I saw him make adjustments in his life to spend time with me. He had changed. But perhaps not at his core. Not enough.

  “Well, they say that when someone tells you who they are, you should believe them.”

  There was no point in hoping that he might change. Logan had a lifetime of reasons to be who he always had been.

  “You will get over this,” Scarlett said.

  “I know.” We were never more than some transient affair.

  He was gone. I just needed to get used to the idea.

  I knew it was possible. I’d recovered from worse. I had to accept that there was no pill or cream that would take it away. I needed to exist long enough for the pain to begin to fade.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Logan

  Everywhere I glanced around the farm shop, I saw elements of Darcy. The attention to detail, the way there were products representing all the different skills of the village even though many of them wouldn’t sell—that was Darcy’s kind heart, which so often ruled her head. The freshly cut flowers by the till
would have been her idea, too. Even the general sense of happiness in the room embodied her. But she wasn’t here. I’d been dreading this trip to the shop since my grandmother had suggested it, but I couldn’t decide if it was because I wanted to run into Darcy. Or because I was afraid I wouldn’t.

  Both, maybe.

  The week had been much more challenging than I’d anticipated. Even though I didn’t see Darcy during the week, I’d still reached for her every morning. Still went to dial her number ten times a day to tell her something either funny or annoying. They were all signs I’d taken things too far, left things too long. I’d never given a woman a second thought once I’d left her, yet Darcy’s memory clung to me. Her generous smile greeted me every time I closed my eyes, her sweet scent lingered on every item of clothing.

  She was everywhere.

  I just had to wait for it to pass—and never make the same mistake again.

  I hovered by the door as my grandmother took various items to the till. It would be better if we managed to leave without seeing Darcy.

  I hoped I was managing to cover up my discomfort at our parting, but I wasn’t sure how Darcy would have taken things. She was probably mad at me and I didn’t want a scene, though I’d prefer her angry rather than sad. I hated the thought that I’d hurt her, which was more proof that I’d done the right thing. Breaking up with Darcy wasn't personal—I didn’t want to be with anyone.

  I willed the assistant behind the counter to pack up the items my grandmother had chosen more quickly, but they were talking and laughing and it was good to see my grandmother so happy. I just wanted us to get back in the car, to escape and then we could go back to Badsley, where I knew Darcy wouldn’t be.

  I pushed my hands into my pockets grabbed my car keys as several people filed out of the shop. I tuned into my grandmother’s conversation, to see if it was wrapping up.

  “She’s in Connecticut,” the shop assistant said.

  He must be talking about Darcy, right? Who else from Woolton Village would have a reason to go to Connecticut?

  “Oh, that’s right, her brother and his family live over there, don’t they?” my grandmother asked.

  Yes, it was definitely Darcy they were talking about.

  I didn’t know if her leaving the village was a good sign or bad. The thought of her hating me was horrifying, but maybe it was better that way.

  “Are you ready?”

  Startled, I realized my grandmother had finished at the till and was right beside me. “Yes, you done?”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Sure, I was just thinking about some stuff at work.” I pulled open the door, the bell above tinkling as I guided my grandmother out.

  We were in the car less than fifteen seconds before the inevitable questions started.

  “I don’t remember Darcy saying she was going to Connecticut, do you?”

  I should have planned for this. Although I’d never told my grandmother that Darcy and I had been…What had we been? Lovers? Partners? Dating? Or just friends who hung out? It didn’t matter. My grandmother was smart enough to have seen the connection between us, and I knew that she’d been happy for me.

  “No, I didn’t realize she was going.”

  The few seconds of silence that followed were excruciating. I could hear my grandmother’s brain whirring.

  “She didn’t tell you? When was the last time you two spoke?”

  I focused on turning out of the car park, futilely hoping that she would drop it. “Umm, I’m not sure. Monday, I think.”

  “And she didn’t let you know she was going?” My grandmother tapped her nails on the window frame. “What did you do, Logan?”

  I changed gears and glanced over to find her mouth set in a serious, straight line.

  “I didn’t do anything.”

  My grandmother sighed. “Logan.” My grandmother rarely admonished me, but when she did, she normally had good reason.

  “Things got a little out of hand and I—I…”

  “Out of hand?”

  “You know that I like Darcy, but our expectations weren’t the same.”

  “Good God, Logan. What are you talking about?”

  I groaned. I didn’t need Darcy to occupy my thoughts any more than she already did. “You know me. I’m not the sort of man to settle down. I don’t want a family, and that’s what Darcy needs. It’s what she deserves.”

  “I’ve never understood this obsession you have with being on your own.” She shook her head in dismay. “I thought you liked her?”

  “I do. She’s a lovely woman, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to change who I am, what I want, or what I know is right.”

  We pulled into the drive at Badsley and I was determined to get inside as quickly as possible. Hopefully, the change of setting would encourage my grandmother to drop the conversation. I parked, turned off the engine and went to open the door, but my grandmother laid her hand on my arm.

  “Just hang on—I want to hear about this.”

  “Can we please just drop it? The decision is made. It’s best for both of us.”

  “My darling boy, most of the time I leave you alone to make your own decisions, but I can’t stand by if I think you are hurting yourself and the people you love.”

  Love? I should never have gotten involved with Darcy in the first place and the last person I wanted to hurt was my grandmother. “I know she adores you, and just because she and I are…I’m sure you will still see her.”

  “This isn’t about me, Logan. I’m concerned about you not knowing what’s good for you. Darcy is a wonderful woman—she’s kind, beautiful, clever and gives you a run for your money, which is the thing I like best about her. I’ve never seen you as happy as you’ve been with her—I could tell from the moment you met her that she was made for you.”

  Made for me? My grandmother didn’t understand. No one was made for me. I couldn’t have anyone counting on me.

  “Did you have a fight?”

  I tipped my head back on the headrest. “No, nothing like that. Things were escalating and we couldn’t keep moving forward as we were. I’ve never…” How could I explain that I was used to a series of one-night stands? “I’ve never dated a woman before. Not really. Not since university.”

  “So being faithful was difficult for you?”

  “No, I never wanted anyone else when I was with Darcy.” I still didn’t. Not even a woman like Abigail, who I’d put in a cab home after our drink on Monday night. “I never even looked at another woman.” Darcy didn’t leave room for anybody else.

  “So why did you decide to end things?”

  “Her feelings were growing and I couldn’t give her what she wanted.” I wasn’t about to tell her about the pregnancy scare.

  “So, she told you she loved you and, instead of admitting that you loved her too, you got scared and threw it all away? Is that about the size of it?”

  I couldn’t remember the last time my grandmother had sounded so exasperated with me. It was the same voice she’d used when I used to come home covered head to foot in mud after playing with my friends.

  “It’s not about being scared. It’s about me knowing what I want, what I’m capable of. I’ve always known that I’d never settle down or have a family. It just isn’t what I want, and I had to end things before Darcy got in any deeper.”

  “You’re acting as if you don’t love her. As if you were just along for the ride. But I know differently, Logan. I saw how you were together. How much more relaxed you were. How she didn’t let you take yourself too seriously.”

  “That might well be true, but it doesn’t change anything.”

  “Just help me understand why you’re so convinced that you don’t want to share your life with anybody?”

  “I put my work first, and that will never change. I don’t have room in my life for a woman—any woman. And certainly no place for a family. All I would do is disappoint them, and I will not be that man. So, you see, although things look
as if Darcy and I are suited now, it’s just not the case. I can see further down the road—I’d let her down at some point.”

  I turned to my grandmother expecting understanding, but instead found pity.

  “Of course you will let her down. That’s what happens. She’ll let you down and you’ll disappoint her—that’s just life. But when you’re in love, you forgive each other.”

  “How you can say that after everything my father put you through?” I regretted mentioning my father as soon as the words left my mouth. We never spoke about him, and I knew that even now what had happened still hurt my grandmother.

  “Oh, my dear boy. Is that what this is all about? You don’t want to make your father’s mistakes?”

  I didn’t say anything. I didn’t need to.

  “I had no idea. We should have talked about this years ago. First, there is no genetic code that requires you to make the same silly mistakes and unwise choices your father did. Bad judgment doesn’t pass down the generations, and you’ve more than proved you have more sense than your father ever did both in terms of business and in terms of family.”

  It wasn’t that I thought that I have some genetic predisposition to let those around me down. More that I was learning from history, from someone else’s mistakes.

  “It’s impossible to draw parallels between your life and his, Logan. He was a man who had his own issues. Everything had been given to him. He had nothing to work for, strive for. He just wasn’t the man you are.”

  “He put himself before his family. Let people down who were relying on him. I can’t be sure I wouldn’t make the same mistake. And I won’t take the risk.”

  “The fact that Darcy told you she loved you and you know it’s true is something precious and something to cherish. You are not your father—you deserve a life filled with the love of your wife, of your children. Don’t deny yourself that because of a man who’s no longer in our lives. Learn from the past, but don’t let that ruin your future.”