What Makes Us Girls

by Brittany Pettibone

  A few weeks passed. As Lily got to know Carmen better, she was thrilled to discover how alike they were. They shared the same favorite food. They shared the same favorite fashion brand. They shared the same favorite historical figure. They also shared the same favorite books, music and movies. Somehow, they even shared the same personal, political and religious beliefs.

  Despite their almost too many similarities, Lily loved Carmen. She believed that having such a friend was a once in a lifetime opportunity. Her only complaint was that Carmen constantly needed to spend time together and talk.

  “She has no shame about calling me in the middle of the night,” Lily complained to her mother.

  “Maybe she’s going through a lonely period and simply needs a friend,” her mother responded.

  Lily accepted her mother’s advice. Perhaps seeing to a person’s every personal whim was what good friends did. A few more weeks passed, and as they did so, Lily continued to feed Carmen’s insatiable hunger for attention. On the outside, she did her best to appear happy, but on the inside, she could no longer deny the strain Carmen was putting on her mental health. She felt as if a parasite had attached itself to her brain and was slowly sucking the life out of her. Plus, she was growing a bit tired of their similarities. Carmen doesn’t seem to have even one unique trait of her own, Lily thought. How can two people possibly be so alike?

  Things took a turn for the worse when Carmen started to guilt-trip Lily. She claimed that Lily wasn’t putting as much effort into her gifts, or that Lily wasn’t there for her enough. During the launch party of Lily’s now-published book, Carmen even accused Lily of ignoring her.

  “I wasn’t ignoring you,” Lily defended. “Over three-hundred people were at the launch party. Not only did I have to thank each person individually, I also had to sign all of their books.”

  “That’s not a good enough excuse,” Carmen insisted. “I was a fan of your book long before any of those people.” She pushed her hands over her eyes, as if trying to fight back tears. “What the launch party showed me is that the minute your book becomes popular, you’re going to cast me aside. The only thing you really care about is writing.”

  Lily didn’t know how to respond. Deep down, she knew that Carmen’s accusations were unfair. The launch party was supposed to have been her day. She’d worked towards it for years, and if Carmen truly cared about her, she would’ve celebrated Lily’s achievement instead of trying to make the achievement about her.

  Now at her wits end, Lily sought advice from the girl who’d introduced her to Carmen in the first place.”

  “Something bad happened, didn’t it?” Brianna guessed.

  “Yes,” Lily confessed. “I don’t know how to explain it other than to use the word “obsessive.” Carmen is never content with a part of my time. She wants all of it.”

  Brianna sat in silence for a while, a worried crease on her forehead. Finally she asked, “What’s your favorite drink, Lily?”

  Lily was unsure what the question had to do with Carmen, but answered, “Earl Grey Tea…with cream but no sweetener.”

  “And what’s Carmen’s favorite drink?”

  “The same.” An eerie sensation crept over Lily, as if she wasn’t the first person to approach Brianna about Carmen.

  “Have you…by chance…come to find that you share an unusual number of things in common with Carmen?” Brianna asked.

  Lily almost leapt from her chair. At last, someone understood what she’d been going through. “Oh my gosh,yes. We have the same likes and dislikes in every area. It’s almost creepy.”

  “Yes, it’s creepy. And the creepiest part about it is that none of its real,” Brianna explained. “You’re not the first person Carmen has done this to. As far as I know, she’s done it to three other people, but of course there might be more. It’s why I tried to warn you about her. Carmen even pretended to be vegan and a Buddhist to impress her last boyfriend.”

  Lily felt her insides grow cold. Brianna’s revelation meant that Carmen had never liked the same food, fashion brands, poetry, music, movies and books as she did. She likely wasn’t religious or political either. Their entire friendship had been a ruse.

  “Why…why does she pretend?” Lily asked.

  Brianna shook her head. “I have no idea. Honestly, even though she’s my cousin, I have no idea who the real Carmen is. She keeps her circle of friends small, constantly changing depending on the people she’s with. The worst part is that it always ends badly. I’m so sorry, Lily. I never meant for this to happen.”

  Lily cut ties with Carmen that same day. Carmen protested at first, but then, as if realizing she’d been found out, vanished into thin air. To this day, I don’t think Lily has heard from Carmen. I don’t know if she ever discovered Carmen’s motives for her actions either. For all I know, Carmen is currently out in the world inflicting the same strange torture on somebody else.

  Most of us have met a fake girl or two. Perhaps we know one from our high school, university, job, or even from church. While choosing to keep our distance from these girls is perfectly justifiable, under certain circumstances, it might be worth it to try and help them. Not every fake girl is a manipulative schemer; some of them are simply confused. They haven’t yet discovered who they are, or if they have, they’ve allowed themselves to become lost. Being a good friend and giving advice to these girls might help them to find or rediscover themselves.

  That said, manipulative girls like Carmen also exist—girls who deliberately hide their true personality, and instead, show us a fake personality that they’ve specifically crafted in order to get close to us. In this case, as Lily did, it’s best to cut ties.

  There are also girls who pretend to like us, while secretly using us for their own gain, like a pawn in their personal game of chess. This is the type of girl who will abandon us as soon as she’s gotten what she wants. Since she never liked us in the first place, she’ll stop acknowledging our existence, at least until the time again comes when she needs something from us. In this case, it’s also best to cut ties.

  While Lily might’ve been able to help Carmen overcome her inauthenticity and tendency towards emotional manipulation if she’d worked very hard, there’s an equal chance that she would’ve failed—and possibly even harmed herself in the process. Ultimately, it’s up to us to determine whether or not a person is worth helping. The only thing for certain is that our help will never be worth it unless the person has a strong will to change.

  Fake Change Versus Real Change

  Choosing to change our character can oftentimes, but not always, be a negative act. The most important determining factor in such a decision is our level of sincerity.

  When we abandon authenticity, our change is insincere, and more often than not, it’s for a less than noble reason. For example, we make the decision to change ourselves without even considering whether it will make us a better person. We simply want to be accepted.

  A moral character change, on the other hand, is always a positive act. For example, we notice severe flaws in our character. Wanting to become better people, we make a sincere effort to overcome these flaws. In this case, our character change will not only prove good for us, but for all the people in our lives.

  Back when I was a nanny, I remember having a very interesting conversation with one of the little girls I used to care for, Rose. One day after school, Rose told me that she’d decided she wasn’t going to be nice to a certain girl at her school anymore because she didn’t like the girl and being nice to her would’ve meant she was being fake. I remember laughing, not because I thought Rose’s words were funny, but because of the blunt way in which she’d spoken them. I also appreciated her black-and-white outlook of the world. I suppose most children have a similar outlook. I know I did.

  I made sure to let Rose know that being kind to girls she didn’t like wasn’t fakeness; it was charity. I explained that she could only be considered fake if she was treating the girl kindly to her face,
while at the same time, talking badly about her behind her back.

  Authentic girls are like unique shades. We bring color to the world when we embrace our different personalities, appearances, ambitions and talents. Moreover, we’re happier and more fulfilled existing with sincerity. Doing so might even pave the way for us to accomplish great things as wives, as mothers, and even as career professionals. But it’s only through authenticity that we’ll ever know.

  6

  “The mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive, but in finding something to live for.”

  —Fyodor Dostoevsky

  Finding Something to Live For

  How old were you when you first had the desire to pursue a goal? I was five. I remember wandering into the kitchen to find my mother baking bread from scratch. Intrigued, I pushed a chair against the countertop and climbed on top for a better view. The way her hands kneaded the dough was smooth and effortless, honed through years of practice.

  “Can I help?” I asked.

  “Of course,” my mother answered. “Why don’t you make your own loaf?”

  She tore off a small piece of dough and sprinkled it with flour. I smiled as I kneaded the dough alongside her, making sure the shape and consistency was perfect. Once the dough had risen, my mother placed both loaves in the oven; I checked on mine every few minutes, making sure nothing bad had happened to it.

  Ding.

  I rushed toward the oven when the timer beeped, a pair of protective mitts over my hands. I’ll never forget the satisfaction I felt as I removed my tiny loaf and placed it on the countertop. For the next few weeks, I wanted to be a mom, solely for the reason that I could make bread of my own. Granted, this dream faded after a little while. Over time, I developed new passions—interests inspired by my environment and by the people around me. The one constancy was that I always had a desire to do something specific.

  Most of us have undergone similar stages in our youth. But even back then, somehow, we inherently understood that our purpose was like a map. Without it, we’d be destined to aimlessly wander the world forever, caught in an endless cycle of new paths and dead-ends.

  The reason authenticity is so important is because it leads us to our purpose. Of course, in less common instances, some of us are able to find our true selves through executing our purpose, but for the most part, we have to know ourselves first. If we don’t, we might end up falling into one of four traps, all of which lead to the same destination: regret.

  1st Trap: Settling

  We adopt another person’s purpose as our own.

  The primary pitfall of this trap is the fact that we’ll never be able to love another person’s purpose as much as our own—in the same way that we’ll never be able to love another person’s children as much as our own. A life purpose is often realized through internal trial and struggle, brought into focus by a person’s own unique experiences and developed skills. True passion for a purpose can never successfully be faked or replicated. In most cases, if we adopt someone else’s purpose, we won’t particularly like or believe in that purpose. We might even start to feel unfulfilled or unhappy with our decision years down the road.

  2nd Trap: Leapfrogging

  We continually jump from purpose to purpose.

  We think that we want to be a professional athlete, but a few years later, we change our minds and decide to pursue a career in fashion. From there, we switch to dancing, the culinary arts and then sculpting. On an endless loop the cycle continues. While we might accomplish small achievements here and there, we’ll never experience the satisfaction of a follow-through. Our purposes will lie in the corner like unfinished books, collecting dust. The saddest ending to this type of scenario is when we do eventually discover our true purpose, but it’s too late. In both cases, we look over our shoulder and gaze longingly at the past, considering what might have been.

  3rd Trap: Pleasure-Seeking

  We make the search for happiness our purpose.

  Despite what some people may claim, happiness is not a purpose. Happiness is attained as a result of a purpose. For instance, we choose to be a musician. The act of giving something meaningful to the world, of having people tell us that our songs helped them through difficult times, will make us feel valuable and, by extension, happy.

  In contrast, if our goal in life exclusively revolves around the search for happiness, this search will, more often than not, deteriorate into a search for pleasure. The reason for this is that, in working solely to please ourselves, we lose the ability to give anything in return. We take and take and take, and while it might satisfy us for a while, we’ll soon come to realize that no matter how much we take, it’s never enough. Have you ever noticed that an excess of pleasure turns to pain? You enjoy a soothing massage. It feels good for a while, but when overdone, your muscles start to bruise and ache. This type of existence is what leads us down dark and lonely roads like depression and despair.

  4th Trap: Running From Reality

  We reject reality in favor of escapism.

  We spend all of our time on social media, surfing the internet, watching television, playing video games, listening to music, reading books, and so on. If we live this sort of existence, we run the risk of becoming obsessed with living vicariously through others. Granted, such a life might be a lot of fun. But upon reaching a certain age, we’ll look back to discover that we’ve accomplished nothing of our own. Our chance to leave a unique mark on the world has either diminished or completely passed us by.

  Motherhood Versus Career:

  Sorting Through the Misconceptions

  Sofia had done it. She had graduated from university. Her major was political science, her long-term goal to become a corporate attorney. The image of her parents, siblings and cousins sitting in the auditorium, watching her with proud and smiling faces, was a special memory that she brought with her to her new life in Chicago, where she would work to complete her studies at a moderately prestigious law school.

  Some days were tougher than others; the reward of a hard day’s work was satisfying. Nevertheless, over time, the certainty she’d once had about her career began to weaken. She made an effort to ignore these distractions, but the doubt was powerful enough to disrupt her focus. One thought kept running through her mind: I don’t know if I want to pursue a law degree full-time anymore. A deep, hidden part of her yearned to marry her boyfriend of three years and have a family. Yet all around her—from the education system to the media, from advertisements to the entertainment industry—society was bombarding her with the message that she couldn’t possibly be happy as a mother. “Motherhood is like slavery,” one of her teachers claimed. “Children will bring an end to all your personal freedoms,” the television warned. “The childfree life is the happiest life,” the media insisted.

  After enough repetition, the messages took effect.

  “Maybe I’m about to make a huge mistake,” Sofia told her boyfriend. “Maybe I’m allowing my emotional desire of wanting children to get in the way of the right decision. Maybe I’ll regret the decision a few years down the road.”

  “You won’t regret it,” Sofia’s boyfriend assured. He was calm during arguments, a trait she’d always appreciated. “Millions of people who have children are much happier for it. Plus, you and I both love children. What could possibly make us regret having them?”

  Sofia took a few weeks to consider her options, even presenting her dilemma to some female colleagues. Each path came with its own set of pros and cons, but ultimately, the career path seemed to carry less risk. “I don’t want to have children,” she decided.

  Although he was heartbroken and disappointed, Sofia’s boyfriend accepted her decision. He ended their relationship soon afterwards, having decided that it was a better use of his time to pursue a girl whose life goals were in line with his own.

  Sofia went on to complete law school, pass the bar and become a corporate attorney. While to this day she enjoys her work, she often talks
about the past. Now thirty-six, she admits that she wishes she would’ve, at the very least, chosen to become both a mother and an attorney. Her primary regret was allowing societal norms to influence the biggest decision of her life—not only because the decision wasn’t sincere, but because it turned out to be the wrong one.

  There is a common misconception, which seems to grow more common every day, that all girls who choose motherhood as their purpose will end up unhappy. Worse, the misconception also claims that all girls who choose motherhood as their purpose are inferior to those who choose a professional career. This couldn’t be further from the truth. In itself, motherhood is one of the noblest purposes in the world. Granted, if we are bad mothers who neglect and abuse our children, our purpose loses its nobility. But for all the mothers in the world who love and sacrifice for their children, few purposes can compare.

  On the other hand, if we have no desire to ever become mothers, this doesn’t make us bad or wrong. Not in the least. We can be childless while at the same time achieving nobility and effecting meaningful change. The point is that, in recent years, the light our society once shone so brightly upon motherhood has dimmed. These days, mothers live hidden lives, far from the spotlight of acknowledgement. All their pain, all their sacrifices and all their triumphs take place behind the curtain of the world stage. But why? Mothers are responsible for giving birth to and, along with their husbands, raising the new generation: the new inventors, teachers, world leaders, and so on. Not to mention, our mothers are the very reason for our existence. I would not be writing this book right now were it not for my mother; and likewise, none of you would be reading it.