What Makes Us Girls

by Brittany Pettibone

On the other hand, the fact that so many of us struggle with achieving moderation nowadays isn’t exactly surprising. Our society is drawn to extremes, and more often than not, fuels the fire of our struggle.

  When was the last time you saw an advertisement that said: Love yourself in a stable and healthy way.

  Never.

  Instead, we see advertisements that say: Love yourself because you’re the greatest and most perfect person to ever grace the planet with her presence.

  The message is never to find one man to love forever; it’s to have sex with dozens of them until our bodies feel used, until our minds lose their hopefulness and vitality, until our hearts are weary. The message is never to work towards a healthy body weight; it’s to either starve ourselves until we’re extremely thin, or eat until we’re obesely fat because all sizes are “beautiful.” The message is never to sacrifice for the ones we love; it’s to have a divorce lawyer on speed dial in preparation for the moment when our personal comfort and happiness suffers. The message is never to implement sensible border security for our country; it’s to fling the doors open wide and let the entire world in. Our society has gone so far past the point of moderation that it’s hinging on hysteria.

  When we’re constantly being bombarded with such messages, it’s no wonder that achieving moderation is difficult. But despite this—despite the ever-increasing hysteria—if we manage to achieve moderation, our lives will be infinitely happier, more effective and sustainable.

  12

  “There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”

  —Ernest Hemingway

  Attracting the Good with Your Goodness

  (Including a Good Man)

  At one point during my teenage years, I decided not to date until after I’d published a book. I held this mindset, even after acknowledging that publishing a book might take five-to-ten years. Admittedly, this decision was extreme, but as the previous chapter made clear, I struggle with finding and maintaining a balance.

  Three long years passed. I spent the days buried in work, disregarding parties and most social events in general. At times, particularly when I came across happy couples, I felt lonely. Rather than acknowledge my need for social comfort, I ran from my feelings. I can’t afford to date, I told myself. A boyfriend would be a distraction.

  By the end of the third year, my loneliness had become more than a discomfort; it had become the cause of periodic sadness in my life. My achievements weren’t enough to satisfy me. I continued to feel a deep longing for something more. Social interaction wasn’t as easy to turn down at this point. I found myself constantly thinking about how nice it would be to meet someone who I could care for and share my life with. After some consideration, I chose to reverse my previous decision and open the “dating door.”

  For the next few months, I attended various parties, social events and community gatherings, hoping to meet a nice young man. No luck. Feeling a bit discouraged, I thought to myself, Where have all the good men gone?

  The question stuck with me. I figured the reason I couldn’t meet a nice young man concerned the selection I had, rather than a problem with myself.

  One morning, while having a coffee in the kitchen with my mother, I posed her the same question.

  “Where are all the good guys, mom? They seem to have been a lot better back when you were young.”

  My mother smiled, an unmistakable glint of humor in her expression; clearly, she thought I’d asked her a stupid question. “The good guys…well,” she began. “Have you ever considered the possibility that there’s a reason they aren’t interested in you?”

  I blinked at her in silence for a moment, insulted. I hadn’t expected this reply.

  “Good qualities attract good qualities,” my mother went on. “If you’re a good woman, you’ll find a good man.”

  I searched for a way to argue back, but couldn’t think of an excuse. There was too much truth in her words. In reality, I was in no place to demand a boyfriend who was loving, honorable and loyal. I was still far too immature and selfish, and I also worked too much. I recall leaving the kitchen being unable to put her words out of my mind. To this day, I’m still unable to put them out of my mind, particularly because they don’t apply only to boyfriends, but to every person in our lives. As good girls, we’ll attract good friends and perhaps even influence our struggling friends to become better. As for our children, they will be far more likely to adopt good qualities if they’re exposed to our virtues on a daily basis.

  Perhaps what makes it difficult for many of us to arrive at such conclusions of our own volition is because, again, our society constantly tells us the opposite. The world today has a false conception of worthiness. Irresponsible people get famous. Decadent people are placed on a pedestal. Shallow people acquire large social media followings. Greedy people attain wealth and prestige. Corrupt people attain power. Status and acceptance are no longer gained by personal merit, but handed out based on personal belief.

  This is not worthiness; in fact, it’s an inversion of the term. While I’ve come to learn what true worthiness is, the people who taught me never did so in words. My father showed me worthiness when he spent forty years working jobs he disliked to support my siblings and me. My mother showed me worthiness when she walked away from an elite education and dedicated her life to caring for my siblings and me. My twin, Nicole, showed me worthiness when she refused to abandon me, even during the times I deserved it. My sister showed me worthiness when she suffered through months of agonizing surgeries in order to give birth to her son. My sister’s husband showed me worthiness when he took care of my sister, even feeding and bathing her during her months of recovery. My friend, Juliette, showed me worthiness when she helped me to overcome my biggest fault, not through shame and judgement but through tenderness and compassion. My friend, Lauren, showed me worthiness when she traveled to some of the most dangerous locations in the world, risking her life to film and expose the truth. My friend, Melissa, showed me worthiness when she forgave me for letting her down during the darkest period of my political activism. My fiancé, Martin, showed me worthiness when he risked his career, reputation and oftentimes his life to stand up for what was right; when he faced each new hardship with a smile, persevering through violent attacks, legal trials, slander and financial oppression; when he showed me that no matter how bad things got, he would never give up, and even more importantly, that he would never surrender his honor.

  For the past twenty-six years, these people have shownme what worthiness is: that it’s measured not in how much we choose to do for ourselves, but in how much we choose to do for others. While I may fall short on occasion, I take comfort in the fact that I have people in my life who will never cast me aside; they will always be there to lift me up, to help me find the will to persevere and overcome.

  Perhaps not all of us are fortunate to have such good people in our lives, but we canattract them. In working to become the best versions of ourselves, good people, including a good young man, will be drawn to us—people who will stand by us, even at our lowest points, guiding us back to the straight and narrow.

  13

  “Daringly dared, half of it won.”

  —Swedish Proverb

  Dear Girls…

  With the courage to try at least once and the perseverance to try at least twice, we’ve already conquered half our pursuit. We’re also already ahead of the crowd, for the majority of the crowd never reaches the point of taking the first step.

  I can’t fail if I don’t try, is the mentality.

  The truth is that those of us who are most unlikely to fail are those of us who try. Because failure is much more than making a mistake—it’s a loss of hope. We can fall a thousand times, but unless we decide otherwise, the possibility remains of getting back up. Yes, there will be hardships. Tomorrow, the next day, and the next day after that. But we’re never alone. Every girl in the world, myself
included, faces a battle for worthiness. If we’re able to conquer this battle (through trying, trying, and trying again), nothing will be able to stop us from reaching the day when we’re capable of loving ourselves, loving others, and even showing others how to love.

  As I mentioned in the beginning of this book, I used to believe that I was incapable of befriending girls, but thankfully, I managed to overcome this flaw. I came to realize that female solidarity isn’t only a practical pursuit, but a critical one. Of course, when I use the term “female solidarity,” I’m not referring to the kind of female solidarity where we refuse to take responsibility for our own life choices and actions, and come together as self-perceived victims; I’m referring to the kind of female solidarity where we come together as confidants and advisors, helping one another to overcome our faults in order to become the best girls that we can be. Perhaps some of you have already found such girlfriends; if so, you’re more blessed than you might realize. For those of you who haven’t, however, I encourage you to seek them out. Who knows, the next girl you meet might end up being the most steadfast and reliable friend of your life…and you might end up being hers.

  Good luck, and Sincerely,