More Than a Song

by Chris Paynter

  Dani slowed her step and stopped under the streetlight at Vine Street. Liz kept her head down as she scuffed a stone with her sneakered toe. Dani waited until Liz met her gaze.

  “Yes,” Dani answered in a soft, but firm voice. “But we haven’t been dating that long. I don’t know if it’s serious, or if it even has a chance to get serious. Everything happened too fast.” Dani’s heart pounded with the truth of her words. She needed to slow everything down. She had to find a way.

  Liz nodded but said nothing. Dani wanted to reach out and touch Liz’s face. She took a step toward her, but Liz stepped back.

  “I’m going to turn here to head home.” Liz’s face, illuminated by the streetlight, was drawn in sadness. From where they stood, Liz could keep walking with her. There were plenty of streets closer to Dani’s house that Liz could cut over to her home. But Dani sensed why Liz was leaving. She didn’t try to stop her.

  “Okay.”

  Liz began walking away. Dani watched as she disappeared and reappeared from the shadows. “Turn around,” Dani whispered, “please turn around.”

  But Liz kept walking.

  Chapter 12

  The next day at the store, Dani felt completely out of sorts. Last night’s encounter with Liz after leaving Carl’s shook her. She even had a dream about it. But in the dream, Dani called after Liz, ran to her, and embraced her. Dani woke up with a start. It was like she could still taste the kiss on her lips. It was that real.

  “What is wrong with me?” Dani muttered to herself.

  “Did you say something, boss?” Tina shouted from the front of the shop.

  “No. Talking to myself.”

  Tina rose from straightening books in the corner of the store and walked over to Dani at the counter. “Barb told me Liz was at the bar last night.”

  “Yeah, she was.”

  Tina leaned her elbows on the counter and grew even more intense, if that were possible. “Barb said she agrees with me.”

  “About what?” Dani scrolled through an online book catalog to avoid Tina’s gaze.

  “She says the doc definitely seems interested in you.” Tina waited for Dani’s response, but Dani kept silent. “Dani?”

  “I’m not sure what the hell is going on with me. I’ve never felt like this before. Never. I’ve always been sure of myself. Always had a plan. Now everything seems to be unsettled—or at least I feel that way. And as for Liz, after last night, I’m sure if she had any feelings for me, they’re gone now.”

  Tina frowned. “What happened?”

  Dani told her how she caught up with Liz on the walk home. “Liz asked me if C.J. and I were dating.”

  “And you answered...”

  “I told her we hadn’t been dating that long. Which we haven’t. It’s been some weeks, but—” Dani resisted the urge to toss the computer mouse onto the counter in frustration.

  “Don’t go getting pissed off at me. I can see this thing with Liz going somewhere.”

  “Wait. Hold it right there.” Dani raised her hand to ward off Tina’s words. “There is no ‘thing.’”

  “But there could be.”

  “Tina, if you saw the look on her face when I told her we were dating, you’d know that’s pretty much impossible now.”

  “There.”

  “There what?”

  “You said ‘pretty much.’ That means you still have hope.”

  “Let me rephrase. It’s impossible. It’s not going to happen. There is no hope. Is that clear enough?”

  Tina squeezed Dani’s arm. “Hey, it’s okay.”

  “I’m not sure that it is.”

  “How did you feel when you saw her reaction?”

  Dani took a deep breath. “I wanted to reach out and touch her face.” She raised her hand like Liz was standing in front of her. “I could see I had hurt her, and she was so sad.” Dani ran her fingers through her hair as she remembered the moment. “I took a step toward her, not even thinking about what I was doing. That’s when she stepped back from me and said she had to go home. She turned down another street so she didn’t have to walk with me.”

  “Man, I’m sorry.”

  “If the situation were reversed, I would’ve done the same thing. I would’ve walked away and forgotten I’d ever met the other woman.”

  Tina appeared lost in thought.

  “What? I know you, and you’re thinking hard on something underneath that Braves hat of yours.”

  “Let me ask you this. Have you ever stopped to think about why you’re having reservations about C.J. James? Why it seemed to be moving too fast for you? You’ve always been pretty good with your gut instinct.”

  There it was. Exactly what Dani had been contemplating in the weeks since she met C.J.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you,” Tina said into the silence.

  “You’ve not upset me. You’ve nailed exactly why this is such a mess. Do you think it might have something to do with I’ve not been with anyone since Katie? And I jumped on the first woman who comes along who has shown interest?”

  “Define ‘jumped on.’”

  Dani smacked Tina’s shoulder. “Very funny.”

  The ringing phone interrupted their conversation.

  “Dani’s Den of Books,” Dani answered.

  “Guess who you’re talking to?” an excited C.J. said on the other end.

  “The hot new lesbian artist who’s been breaking hearts at Carl’s Cavern for the past five weeks?”

  Tina opened her mouth and made a gagging motion with her index finger. Dani waved her off.

  C.J. laughed. “No. Well, yes.” She laughed again. “You’re too much, Dani.” She cleared her throat. “You’re talking to the newly signed out-lesbian artist to Different Drummer Records.”

  “That’s great, C.J. I’m so happy for you.”

  “They want me to come up to Nashville next week to play my songs for them in person so they can decide which ones will go on the first album. Hey, do you still want to get together for our Sunday night dinner?”

  “Sure. We can celebrate. I’ll pick you up at six at your apartment.”

  “See you then.”

  Before Dani hung up, she said, “Hey, C.J.?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Congratulations again.”

  “Thanks.”

  Dani hung up. She clicked the mouse to open up the book catalogue page when her mind drifted back to her conservation with Tina about Liz.

  “There’s nothing there now, Dani,” she whispered.

  * * *

  Dani sat across from C.J. at the restaurant and listened to her talking animatedly about her record deal.

  “I still can’t believe they don’t care that I’m gay. I mean granted, not all my songs are about being gay, but I sure as shit don’t hide the fact when I sing about love.” C.J. took a breath to sip from her Coke. “Damn, Dani, I’m monopolizing the conversation. I haven’t even asked how you’re doing or how things are at the store.”

  “Things are fine, and please don’t apologize. You should be excited about this. It’s a fantastic opportunity. I can see it opening up a whole new audience for you.”

  “Maybe you’re right. Although I can’t imagine a seventy-five-year-old straight woman sitting in her living room listening to me sing about a past female lover.”

  Dani laughed at the image. “No. I think you’re right on that one.”

  They left the restaurant. On their drive back, C.J. asked, “Can you come inside for just a few minutes? I have something I want you to hear.”

  “All right.”

  Dani followed behind C.J. as they walked up the stairs to her apartment.

  C.J. flipped on the light. “Feel free to sit wherever you want.” She went to the back of the apartment to what Dani assumed was her bedroom.

  Dani glanced around the living room. She hadn’t been able to see much in the dark from her first “visit” here. It wasn’t that big of a room. The two chairs and the couch definitely said �
��furnished apartment.” They were clean, but worn. Dani’s gaze traveled over to the couch. She definitely didn’t want to sit there, so she plopped down into one of the overstuffed chairs.

  C.J. emerged from the bedroom carrying her twelve-string acoustic guitar. She sat down in the chair across from Dani. “I’m not going to bite,” she said as she placed picks on her fingers.

  Dani laughed—a little too hard.

  C.J. strummed the guitar a few times. “I’ve been working on a new song. I’m not quite done, but I wanted you to hear what I have so far.”

  “Okay.” Dani settled back into her chair.

  C.J. softly picked her guitar and sang the first few lines. It was a beautiful love song:

  Your eyes to me were like a pool of light,

  They shimmered and took me to another world.

  Where I knew everything would be all right,

  ’Cause you opened my heart to let my love unfurl.

  Dani was caught up in the lyrics and in the feeling C.J. put into the song.

  When C.J. finished, she paused for a few seconds with her head down before she met Dani’s gaze. “That’s all I have so far.”

  “It’s beautiful. You need to finish it, and I hope you play that for them in Nashville. What’s the name of it?”

  “It’s called ‘Dani’s Eyes.’”

  Dani didn’t know what to say. A part of her was flattered, while the cautious part of her wondered if it could’ve easily been titled “Jenny’s Eyes” or “Julie’s Eyes” for the other women C.J. had slept with.

  “So you like it?” C.J. asked.

  “I do. I’m just a little speechless right now.”

  C.J. leaned the guitar against the side of the chair, stood, and walked over to Dani. She held out her hand to Dani and lifted her to her feet.

  “When I’m done, I want to release it to the universe if you’ll let me.” C.J. squeezed Dani’s hand. Before Dani could say anything, C.J. pulled her tight against her body and kissed her passionately.

  Dani felt her head spinning. The song played in an endless loop in her mind as C.J. led her into her bedroom. C.J. pulled Dani’s shirt above her head and, with an upraised eyebrow, asked permission to unsnap her bra. In no time, Dani stood in front of C.J. completely nude. Without asking, for fear of rejection, Dani pulled C.J.’s T-shirt off. C.J. wore no bra. She kept Dani’s gaze as she tugged off her jeans and underwear. Dani stepped back to look at C.J. The room was dark, but enough light allowed Dani to see every curve of C.J.’s body.

  Dani ran her fingertips lightly across C.J.’s chest. She started to go lower, but C.J. grabbed her hand and pushed Dani back onto the bed. C.J. pressed her mouth into Dani’s neck and worked her way lower and lower. Dani had wanted to make love to C.J., but once she felt C.J.’s mouth on her, all thought left her mind. She allowed herself to just... feel. C.J. worked her lips and tongue until Dani was about to beg. Then, C.J. sucked her clit, and Dani soared to a climax. C.J. pressed her tongue hard into Dani’s wet folds, and Dani cried out.

  C.J. kissed her way back up to Dani’s breasts then lay on her back beside her. Dani was breathing too hard to utter any words. C.J. leaned up to draw the comforter over their bodies and pulled Dani close.

  Dani reached up and ran her fingers through C.J.’s blonde hair that flowed through her fingers like water. Still aroused, she dropped her hand under the comforter to brush lightly against C.J.’s breast. She looked down at Dani and smiled.

  “Hey,” C.J. said.

  “Hey.” Dani flicked her thumb back and forth against C.J.’s nipple.

  “It’s okay, Dani, you don’t have to—”

  Dani pressed her fingers against C.J.’s lips. “Shh.” She eased her hand below the comforter again and captured C.J.’s breast.

  “Dani—”

  Dani softly kissed away her protests. The kiss intensified as Dani pulled aside the comforter and trailed kisses to C.J.’s neck and down to her breast. She captured C.J.’s nipple with her mouth. C.J. arched her back in response.

  Dani moved so she could position herself on top of C.J. and felt C.J.’s nipples harden against hers. With the heat radiating between C.J.’s legs, Dani pushed C.J.’s legs apart with her knee. She lightly caressed C.J.’s body with her fingertips as her hand dipped even lower. Dani pushed her palm into her wetness and thrust her fingers inside. C.J. raised her hips to arch even more against Dani’s hand.

  Dani wanted to hear C.J. cry out with pleasure just as Dani had. She lowered her mouth to C.J.’s and kissed her hard. She kissed C.J.’s chest until she reached her breasts and took turns sucking on each nipple while still pushing deep inside of her. C.J. let out a low moan. Dani smiled against her breast as she continued to move her hand, stroked C.J.’s wet folds, and delved as deep as she could inside. Feeling the beginning throbbing of C.J.’s release, Dani pushed hard while she thumbed C.J.’s clit.

  “Oh, God!” C.J. tensed as she climaxed.

  Dani kissed her way back up to C.J.’s mouth. She lay next to C.J., who had one arm draped across her eyes. The other hand clutched the comforter wadded up between them. Dani placed a kiss on C.J.’s, cheek, surprised when her lips touched wetness. Dani reached up and gently pulled C.J.’s arm away from her face.

  “Hey, are you okay?” Dani whispered.

  C.J. drew in a breath. “Yeah.” She wiped her eyes. “It’s been so long since anyone has made love to me like that.”

  Dani caressed C.J.’s face. “You deserve to feel like this again, C.J.”

  The light filtering in from the streetlight outside the apartment captured the sudden distance in C.J.’s eyes. One minute, C.J.’s blue eyes were clear and the next, as Dani had uttered her words, they were like a dark cloud drifting across the sun.

  “Hey.” She brushed her fingers through C.J.’s hair again. “Hey, where are you?”

  C.J. gave her a weak smile. “I’m here.”

  “No. You’re somewhere far away.”

  C.J. sat up, and Dani joined her. C.J. leaned over and gave Dani a quick kiss on the cheek. “Really. I’m fine.” A shiver ran through Dani’s body. “Cold?” C.J. asked, just like the very first time she’d made love to Dani. She pulled the crumpled comforter from between them and threw it over their bodies.

  Yes, Dani felt a chill, but it wasn’t from the room being cool. She laid her head on C.J.’s shoulder and neither spoke for several minutes. C.J.’s fingers lightly brushed Dani’s arm, but it didn’t feel like an affectionate thing—more of an absentminded gesture.

  Silence enveloped the room. It pressed down on Dani, so much so that she lifted her hand to her chest as she tried to catch her breath.

  “You all right?” C.J. asked.

  Dani pulled out from under C.J.’s arm. She felt the need to leave, just as she had before.

  “You’re going?”

  Dani nodded. She got up and dressed in almost the same hurry as she had the last time. She turned to C.J., and she knew she needed to say something.

  “You’re going to have to let me in sometime, C.J.,” she said softly.

  C.J. didn’t respond. Dani was to the front door when she heard C.J.’s footsteps behind her. C.J. stood in the doorway of the bedroom, wrapped in the comforter. Dani had no more words. She opened the door and left.

  Chapter 13

  Frodo yanked hard on his leash. He spotted a squirrel that raced ahead of them and scampered up a tree. Frodo stood at the bottom, his tail pointed straight up in the air.

  “Trust me, Frodo, he’s not coming back down.” The squirrel chattered at them, scolding Frodo. If this were a Looney Tunes’ cartoon, an acorn would fly out of the tree and hit Frodo square on the head. She laughed to herself as the image came to mind.

  At least I’m laughing about something, she thought, when Frodo gave up his quest. It was early Sunday morning and two weeks since she’d left C.J.’s apartment. C.J. had traveled last week to Nashville to play her songs for the executives from Different Drummer. The Atlanta gay ne
wspaper heralded this week as the end of her run at Carl’s Cavern. The announcement also mentioned C.J.’s signing with Different Drummer and that she would head out of Francis to record her first album in Nashville.

  They continued their walk down the street. The days grew hotter and hotter with each passing day in May. Patty, the teenager Dani hired for the summer months to walk Frodo during the day while Dani was at the bookstore, would start working after the last week of school.

  They made their way over to the bark park so Frodo could roam free awhile. As they approached the park, Dani’s pace slowed. She spotted the blonde cocker spaniel first. Liz, dressed in shorts and a tank top, sat nearby on a bench as she read a book.

  Liz looked up from her book. Dani didn’t know what to do. It would be rude to walk away, but at the same time, she wasn’t sure if Liz would want to talk to her.

  Relief flooded Dani when Liz waved at her and smiled. Dani didn’t even realize she had been holding her breath until she exhaled after Liz’s gesture. Frodo was still investigating the ground where they stood, but then he spotted Liz and Melanie. In no time, he was in his sled dog mode, yanking Dani toward the enclosed area.

  Dani opened the gate and closed it. She reached down and unhooked Frodo from his leash. He made a beeline for Melanie, greeted her with a perfunctory sniff, and sprinted over to Liz. Before Dani could make it over there, he jumped up on the bench and licked Liz’s face several times.

  “I’m so sorry, Liz. He sometimes doesn’t have manners.”

  Liz giggled as Frodo licked her face again. “Please, Dani. He’s such a sweet dog.”

  Dani stood there awkwardly. She was afraid to push Frodo down because she didn’t know if Liz would want Dani sitting next to her on the bench. Instead, Liz pushed Frodo to the ground. She gave him another scratch behind the ears. He flew off in the other direction after Melanie.

  Liz patted the bench. “Please sit down.”

  Dani joined her on the bench. She ran her hands over her baggy denim shorts.