by Ryan Michler
Think about the last time you felt something. Pride in your son for scoring the game-winning touchdown. Fear that you weren’t going to be able make a payment on time. Sorrow as you thought about the fight you and your wife got into last night. Emotions are something we all experience. Rather than run from those emotions, a man should strive to understand and regulate them.
Unfortunately, most men operate at the mercy of their emotions.
As a coach to my children’s sports teams for the last four years, I can tell you that I’ve seen some horrendous behavior on the field by men whom I would otherwise completely respect. I’ve been guilty of those emotional outbursts as well.
But tell me, how does suppressing your emotions at the risk of blowing up at some unknowable future date add to your ability to live in sovereignty? What if, instead, you choose not to suppress your emotions but rather to understand them? And, just as valuable, understand the emotions of those closest to you.
Emotional intelligence is a cornerstone of masculinity. If a man can understand why he feels the way he does, does that not arm him with the ability to do something about it?
After all, if sovereignty is the objective, any tool that allows us to achieve more is of the utmost importance.
People are going to be sad. People are going to get mad. People are going to feel offended and hurt. You will experience these emotions as well. It’s okay. It’s part of being human. The more you can understand the emotions in yourself and the emotions in others, the better you are able to adjust the way in which you approach any number of challenging scenarios.
You are a rock—the rock that many will look to in times of struggle, fear, and sorrow. That does not mean you aren’t allowed to display emotions; it means that you need to use those emotions as a display of love, guidance, and direction to those who look to you. The less we try to eliminate our emotions and the more we start to decipher and decode what it is they’re trying to tell us, the more likely we are to be driven toward action that serves us and others.
SPIRITUAL
Whether you’re Christian, Catholic, Muslim, Hindu, or Buddhist, I think we can all agree that there is some unknown, unseen force that is greater than the dimension in which we live.
It is my belief that, unless we learn to tap into this higher power, we severely limit ourselves on the inputs available to live life as a Sovereign Man. Call it your conscious, your intuition, your gut, Jiminy Cricket, the universe, God, the Holy Ghost, the Holy Spirit, or a combination of them all, this extra sense has the ability to warn you of impending danger and illuminate a successful path.
Most of us, however, live life too full to recognize this power. Think about it. When is the last time you took a break? When did you last have time for any level of reflection in your day-to-day activities? When’s the last time you really thought about how your time is meant to be spent? Tell me, where in your day do you have the time and margin to tap into this higher power that will allow you to escape the rat race you so desperately want to escape?
More than likely, the answer is that there is no time for that. You’re always in “go mode.” So, you continue to live the same way, day in and day out for the rest of your life.
If we have any hope of tapping into this higher power (regardless of what you choose to call it), we must create space for ourselves to listen, to feel, to hear, and to see.
In early 2005, I found myself walking into the dusty building in the middle of a compound that was once an Iraqi detention facility. It was my first day on the job, and to say most of what ensued in the following months is all a bit of a haze would be a massive understatement.
I already mentioned the fourteen soldiers who lost their lives who were represented on the entry wall of that building. But what I did not mention was that, when we returned from our tour, we learned that the unit replacing us had lost ten soldiers in the first week they were there. A suicide bomber drove a truck to the front gate, maneuvered through the barriers, and detonated his explosive vehicle, killing ten soldiers guarding the gate to the base.
With the loss of life from the unit before us and the unit that replaced us, how was it possible that our unit did not suffer a single loss? What was the difference? What separated us from the unit before and after?
We prayed as a unit morning, noon, and night. Our families prayed for us back home. We read scriptures together, and we lived our lives and carried out our duties in accordance with the guidance we received from that Higher Power.
The fact that I can’t clearly articulate the difference or prove beyond a shadow of doubt the existence of such a power seems to be a problem for many men.
We tend to believe that if we can’t physically feel it or see it, it must not exist. Instead, we choose to lean only on what we can prove. In addition to that, many men feel like tapping into a higher power makes them subservient to that power.
Prayer, meditation, divine guidance, and scripture study, however, do not make you subservient to those things, but rather give you the ability to tap into a power far greater and more powerful than we can understand. That does not weaken your independence; it only strengthens it.
THE MINDSET—I AM A SOURCE OF CREATION, RESOURCES, AND PROVISION
Men provide. Period. We are useful. We bring ideas, thoughts, inspiration, and knowledge to the table. If we aren’t willing or capable of doing so, what good is it having us around?
Now, some people will hear that and think it’s too harsh or doesn’t accurately reflect our value in this world. Wrong. Our value in this world is in direct proportion to the value we provide and create. It’s what we do. Think about your tendency to offer solutions and solve problems, even when unsolicited. If that doesn’t highlight our natural desire to improve our station and the station of those we care about, I don’t know what does.
Sovereign Men don’t mind that others rely on us for provision, either. Some may think that if the man is the sole or weighted provider of all that is required to sustain a family, business, or community’s way of life, it’s somehow unfair. But it’s not unfair at all. It’s not unfair because we too gain from this arrangement. We gain the sense of pride, satisfaction, and fulfillment that comes from looking at our tribes and knowing they’re thriving in large part due to us.
I’ve known men who have been laid off for any number of reasons. It’s damaging to a man’s psyche. I can see it in his eyes. It’s written on his face. I can sense it in his demeanor. When a man is incapable of providing all that’s necessary to lead, he loses his sense of purpose and direction and, as a result, the battle for his heart and mind.
I’ve been there. I’ve been in situations in my life where I knew I was doing and providing less than I was capable of. It’s the most demoralizing experience in the world. Being fully capable of providing and producing results in my life, on the other hand, is the most rewarding feeling a man can experience. There’s nothing more liberating to the heart and mind of a man than knowing he is enough as evidence of what he alone has created.
CHAPTER 6
PRESIDE
“Leadership is not just one quality, but rather a blend of many qualities; and while no one individual possesses all of the needed talents that go into leadership, each man can develop a combination to make him a leader.”
-Vince Lombardi
The third point of a Sovereign Man’s mission is to preside. This is the one that tends to generate the most confusion. To clarify, presiding is about leading those you have an obligation and responsibility to lead, including yourself.
Your ability to lead effectively in every area of your life is a huge part of what makes you a man. Take the family unit, for example. As a father, I recognize the noble calling of raising little humans. My sons and daughter look to me as a source of guidance, direction, and inspiration. If I cannot or will not lead them, what right do I have to the title of father?
But one doesn’t have to be a father in order to lead. There are plenty of other opportun
ities to lead in your life. If you run a business, you’re a leader. If you’re a coach, you’re a leader. If you’ve been tasked with even the most menial of projects at work, you’re a leader. And the same holds true in these scenarios: if you cannot or will not lead those looking to you, what right do you have to the title you carry?
Even more important than leading others is the ability to effectively lead yourself. My friend Andy Frisella, with The MFCEO Project, has talked numerous times about his followers’ desire to “be their own boss.” What Andy says is that, whether you own a business or you’re an employee, you already are your own boss.
That couldn’t be more true. If you refuse to look at yourself as the ultimate authority in your life, you have no business working toward your own sovereignty. Every day you’ll be faced with a thousand decisions to make. No one else is going to make these decisions for you. There is only you.
Unfortunately, what I see in many men is an unhealthy desire to sit the fence. What they are waiting for, I really don’t know. Maybe they’re waiting for permission to make a decision. That makes sense. We’ve been conditioned since childhood to ask permission before acting. When I was little, my mom would make us recite the phrase, “May I please be excused?” before we stepped away from the dinner table. While I can understand the need for structure, I can’t help but wonder if this is just one of the many ways we’ve been programmed to sit and wait for authorization to carry out an action.
Truth be told, most men are scared to lead themselves, let alone others. They know that if they mess up, they’ll be mocked, ridiculed, chastised, and even punished for making the wrong choice. Rather than expose themselves to the consequences of messing up, they don’t take action. As Aristotle would say, “In order to avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.”
What these men fail to see is that by finally making a choice, they are, potentially for the first time in their lives, giving themselves a fighting chance. And getting yourself in the game is the first step to masculine leadership.
LEADERS GO FIRST
A leader is incapable of effectively leading if he isn’t willing to do the very thing he has asked those following him to do. Leaders always go first. Period.
For example, there were men in my National Guard unit I would follow to hell and back because I recognized experience in them. I had seen that they had done the very thing they were asking me to do. They knew the pitfalls. They knew where to step. They knew which way to go. They had the map.
But there were others I wouldn’t trust with anything, let alone my life. By their very nature and their inability to lead from the front, they undermined their ability to effectively carry out a mission. So it goes with sovereignty. I cannot teach others to reclaim their sovereignty if I have not done it for myself. It’s disingenuous at best and a blatant lie at worst.
Don’t fret. If going first is something you’re not used to, there are ways to develop the desire and ability to lead from the front. We’re going to talk about this a lot as we get into Part III: The Code of Conduct, but for now, just know that everything begins with practice.
The process of going first requires you to actually go first. There is nothing I can share with you here that will replace the courage and the subsequent action required to take a step into the unknown. It’s something that has to be experienced.
And what an experience it is. If you’re a man who’s never had to make decisions on his own or never had to live with the consequence of those decisions, this is a liberating feeling and the first step to presiding on every front of your life.
The notion of going first and making decisions is so critical to becoming a Sovereign Man that I’ve already started teaching my sons the principle of going first and making their own decisions. Just the other day, we were out hiking in the mountains of southern Utah. I was on point with my sons in tow when I remembered the principle of leaders go first. I asked my oldest son (he’s nine) to take the lead. He did without hesitation until we reached a fork in the trail.
“Dad, which trail should I take?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I answered, “you’re leading today.” As it turns out, he took the wrong trail. We walked for about a half mile and hit a dead end.
“Dad, what should we do?”
“I don’t know,” I answered again, “you’re leading today.”
He turned us around and got us on the right trail.
I understand it can be risky to make big decisions. I realize there’s more on the line than traveling half a mile in the wrong direction. But the principle remains: leaders go first. If you have any hope of presiding effectively, you’re going to have to make the first move.
WITHOUT A FOLLOWER, THERE IS NO LEADER
An effective leader is able to make the first move and he is able to cast a vision. Without vision, there will be no one to lead, and without anyone to lead, there is no leader.
If you, as a father, husband, coach, employer, product manager, et cetera, don’t have a vision for the future and the ability to clearly articulate that vision, you have no chance of leading others. Unfortunately, most men don’t know what they want out of life and therefore are missing the third component of the trifecta that is the mission to protect, provide, and preside.
What a shame, considering the world is craving masculine leadership more than it ever has. On every level, men are failing to effectively lead those who would gladly follow if only they had someone to carry the torch.
Again, I refer to Braveheart. In a scene where William Wallace and Robert the Bruce discuss the risk to the noblemen of Scotland in fighting for their freedom, William Wallace says, “Now tell me, what does it mean to be noble? Your title gives you claim to the throne of our country, but men don’t follow titles, they follow courage. Now, our people know you. Noble and common, they respect you. And if you would just lead them to freedom they’d follow you. And, so would I.”
People are hungry for leadership. They want direction. They want guidance. They want a sense of purpose and belonging. They want a battle to fight. You, as a man, can be the flag bearer of that battle if only you choose to be.
The notion that you can lead others into a battle of your choosing is intoxicating. Yes, you will have a burden to bear. There will be those who do not believe in you or the battle you’re engaged in. You’ll be met with your fair share of critics, but I cannot think of a more exciting life to live than one where you’re anxiously engaged in a noble pursuit, standing shoulder to shoulder with those who believe in you and your cause.
If you truly want to lead, you must know your battle and cast the vision. Only then, when you’ve proven yourself worthy, will others follow you.
LEADERS CREATE LEADERS
A leader’s singular purpose should be to create additional leaders, who will carry the battle forward or leave to lead their own battles. Too many men believe that a leader creates followers indefinitely.
Consider the boss who refuses to teach his subordinates all he knows out of fear the subordinates will one day replace him and/or steal his business. These men aren’t leaders; they’re managers, at best. Managing people as opposed to leading people does nothing to enhance the mission, and it makes people dependent on as opposed to independent of you, the so-called leader. It strips away sovereignty.
A genuine leader understands and maintains an abundance mentality. That is to say, he knows there is more than enough to go around and does not concern himself with what a subordinate may go out and create on his own. He takes pride in knowing that, one day, those he leads will surpass all he has accomplished himself. This does not intimidate the Sovereign Man, but rather, it fills him with joy, fulfillment, and satisfaction.
As valuable as it is for others to be effectively led, it is also advantageous to the leader himself. If, for example, I refuse to share all my knowledge and expertise and instead withhold what could give others the power to act independently of me, I have enslaved myself and become a
prisoner of that knowledge.
In the military, we called this decentralized command. I cannot possibly leverage my time, talents, and knowledge as well as others’ without giving them the authority to make decisions without my approval.
I am experiencing this in my business now. I made a goal in early 2017 to take my family on a Hawaiian vacation. Fortunately, through a little planning and a lot of hard work, we are able to turn this into a reality. If I do not adequately prepare my team to handle all the decisions that go into running a successful business on a day-to-day basis, there is no possible way for me to step away for something I’ve worked so hard to enjoy.
The objective of a leader is to develop new leaders. We, as men, have a moral obligation to teach all we know. There will come a day when we ask our sons to lead their tribes. Doing all you can to equip them for that day is a genuine mark of a Sovereign Man.
THE MINDSET—I LEAD MYSELF AND THOSE I HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO LEAD
There is a debate that calls into question whether leaders are born or made. I believe there are those who are born with the capacity to lead more effectively than some, but I do not discount man’s ability to develop the skills required to lead others.
Although it may be more challenging for some, it is simply a matter of choice. Do you want to be leading the charge or do you want to be following? The reality is that it’s probably a combination of both. I don’t consider myself a leader in every scenario. There are plenty of opportunities for me to follow. And there are more than enough opportunities for us, as men, to step into the calling to preside.
You have been wired to find a battle that calls to you, to rally the troops, and to engage. Knowing that it’s your calling to lead does not make it any easier; it simply means that you are fully capable of doing so. Right now, your ability to lead others is untapped potential.
The first step in unlocking that potential is making the decision to do so and recognizing the need to lead yourself as the man you are fully capable of becoming. A Sovereign Man realizes that leading himself is what makes him sovereign in the first place. He fully honors that opportunity and obligation by helping those in his care do the same.