by Ryan Michler
PART III
THE CODE OF CONDUCT
“In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.”
-Thomas Jefferson
Every great society and every great movement agrees to adhere to a set of rules and a set of guidelines, a Code of Conduct if you will.
Romans adhered to Romanitas or mos maiorum, which means “the custom of the ancestors.” Although this code was unwritten, these models, practices, and traditions shaped much of Roman behavior.
Among the personal virtues Romans aspired to live up to were mercy, dignity, tenacity, frugality, industriousness, and truthfulness. Among the public virtues Romans strived to adhere to were abundance, equity, prosperity, confidence, justice, and freedom.
Dating back even further (1754 B.C.), we find the Code of Hammurabi from the ancient Babylonian people. This code of 282 laws can be found on seven-and-a-half-feet-tall stone monuments and covers everything from slander to trade to slavery and theft to the duties of workers and divorce.
Christians adhere to the Ten Commandments. Members of the medical community swear to uphold the Hippocratic Oath.
Warriors of every nation and every time period have all lived up to a code, from the Spartan army’s code of honor and discipline to medieval knights’ code of chivalry to the Japanese samurai’s Bushido or “Way of the Warrior.”
When I joined the military, I was expected to memorize the Code of the United States Fighting Force, which illustrated the way we, as soldiers, were to conduct ourselves on the battlefield and in captivity.
Even pirates adhered to a code, which came to be known as the Articles of Agreement. The pirates’ Articles of Agreement covered everything from discipline to division of stolen items to desertion to the hierarchy of the ship’s command and crew.
Too many men live their lives without a personal Code of Conduct for the way they will conduct themselves in any given situation and in any given environment. Consider, for example, the man who steps out on his wife. In hindsight and after the excitement has died down, he will justify his actions because he “temporarily lost himself.” He forgot who he was. He let the heat of the moment get to him.
I’ve heard men balk at the notion of a Code of Conduct. Many men believe the idea that living up to a set of self-imposed guidelines somehow places unnecessary restrictions on them. On the surface, this makes sense. Rules, regulations, and guidelines are, by definition, restrictive.
But I’d have you consider that the healthy, constructive guidelines we establish enable us to live fuller, richer lives than living free from the “burden” of these limitations does.
Take, for example, the man who decides to consume whatever food, drinks, and substances he feels so inclined to consume in any given moment. Does this man not increase the chance of developing a crippling medical condition, decreasing his standard of living, and/or shortening his years? Which is worse, imposing a set of standards on yourself or suffering the consequence of doing whatever the hell you feel like?
In Part III, we break down the Sovereign Man’s Code of Conduct. We looked at the “what” in Part II: The Mission. Now we’re going to uncover the “how.”
It is through the thirteen virtues we highlight that you maximize your ability to live a sovereign life and effectively carry out your mission to protect, provide, and preside. In addition to the Code we cover, you will also learn the mindset required to master each virtue. And, where most books end with information, we encourage you to use this section as a field manual for your day-to-day operations. For this reason, we’ve also included a set of skills that you will be challenged to engage in on your journey to become the master of your heart and mind.
My journey from rock bottom to what has become the best days of my life has been a long, slow process. I’ve had my share of ups and downs along the way. These thirteen virtues have been my guiding compass to keep me on the narrow path of the Sovereign Man.
CHAPTER 7
SELF-RELIANCE
“Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves; therefore they remain bound.”
-James Allen
At the root of the sovereign virtues lies the desire and ability of a man to be completely self-reliant, free from the burden of dependence on anyone or anything. Please do not misunderstand me: in no way, shape, or form does this mean that a man cannot or should not request and/or accept help. It simply means that a Sovereign Man strives to help himself first before relying on the help of others.
Unfortunately, much of society seems to believe it cannot operate without the help and assistance of others. Self-reliance seems to be a dying virtue.
Whether we’re referring to government assistance for companies that are “too big to fail,” access to supplemented and free health insurance, or the staggering rate of consumption of welfare programs, the number of men capitalizing on these handouts is outrageously high. According to the United States Department of Agriculture, the United States has spent nearly $75,000,000,000 in food-related welfare alone through June 2017.
Which begs the question, why?
The idea of dependence on others isn’t a difficult concept to wrap our heads around. The simple answer is that it’s easier. It’s always easier to live off another man’s efforts than it is to live off our own.
When notorious bank robber Willie Sutton was asked by a reporter why he stole from banks, he answered, “Because that’s where the money is.” Well, that’s part of the answer. The part he left out was that’s where the easy money is. During his forty-year criminal career, Sutton is said to have stolen an estimated $30,000,000 in today’s currency.
But easier doesn’t always equal better. Every time a man unjustly profits off the work of another man, a piece of his soul dies—unless he’s a sociopath. We’ve all been there. When I was younger, I stole a pack of baseball cards from the convenience store. It ate at me so much that I went back, bought another pack of cards, and “accidentally” forgot to grab my change before rushing out of the store.
The feelings of guilt, remorse, and shame that stem from stealing from another man don’t go away as we develop from boys to men. The man who knows full well he’s capable of providing for himself yet chooses not to can hardly bear to look at himself in the mirror, let alone confidently lock eyes with another man.
Shame is just one way in which the damaging effects of dependence manifest themselves and rot the heart and mind of a man. Some men get angry, some withdraw, some even become violent. But the underlying consequence is always the same, as a sense of depression clouds the judgment of an otherwise moral man.
CULTURE OF VICTIMHOOD
Less devious but equally damaging to the condition of man is the idea that somehow he is a victim of his environment and/or others. Barring severe physical limitations or mental handicap, every man is capable of paving his own way.
In the fall of 2016, I was invited to participate in the Spartan Agoge, a grueling sixty-hour endurance event in the mountains of Vermont. I spent two and a half days with roughly 120 other men and women, in my own blood, sweat, and tears. There were several moments on that mountain when I almost threw in the towel, where I almost gave up on myself and quit.
One instance in particular was during an extremely difficult hike up a series of mountain ridges called “Blood Route” (a fitting name). I was feeling particularly sorry for myself that afternoon as my knees seemed to grind with every agonizing step. By this time, the sores on my feet had ripped wide open, and pain blazed through my lower back and right hip every time I set my right foot down.
During the pity party I happened to be throwing for myself, I looked over to catch a glimpse of another team. This team comprised veteran athletes. But these athletes weren’t just veterans—they were all amputees. Some were missing arms or legs, yet here they were, not only participating in one of the most demanding challenges I’d ever found myself in, but smiling. They were worki
ng together. They were actually enjoying themselves.
We are not victims unless we choose to be. The world is not conspiring against us. No one is out to get us. This understanding is what gives us the power to do more than we believe we are capable of.
Our parents, teachers, coaches, and much of society has spent a lot of time telling us it’s okay to do just enough and that the lack of results we’ve been experiencing in life is the result of what someone or something else has done to us.
If you are to gain your Sovereignty, you must reject the idea that you are a victim. Look, I get it, you may have been dealt a bad hand. Someone may have actually done something to you. But there comes a time when your excuses expire, and all that is left is what you’ve done or failed to do with the cards you’ve been asked to play.
You are capable of so much more than you currently think you are. The only way you’re going to learn that lesson is to stop asking for so much help and stop placing blame where it doesn’t belong. Take a look at children. You don’t see a child who is learning to walk wallow in self-pity when he falls. He simply gets back up and tries again. Many times, he’ll ignore or swat away the hand that’s extended to help. In many ways, the child is attempting to answer the question John Eldredge, author of Wild at Heart, says all men are attempting to answer: “Am I enough and do I have what it takes?”
Do you? There’s only one way to find out.
BEHOLDEN TO NO ONE
What I’ve come to realize is that the more we play the victim card and the more we ask for something we have not yet earned, the more we find ourselves at the mercy of other people, organizations, and even our governments.
In 2007, I became a financial advisor. As I learned the ropes, educated myself on the products and solutions I would be offering to my clients, and built my financial planning practice, I found myself gravitating toward working with business owners, especially in the medical field. Up until this point, I had been working with individuals who were mostly employees of organizations as opposed to the owners of them.
As I immersed myself in the plans I would be offering my business clients, I came across the frequently used term “golden handcuffs.” This term is used to describe employee benefits (typically retirement plans) offered by employers to discourage employees from leaving the company and working elsewhere.
Therein lies the problem. Although golden handcuffs may not seem like a bad idea (there is an actual benefit being offered), the concept illustrates perfectly the motive of parties to offer the benefits in the first place: to limit your freedom, your options, and your sovereignty.
I have firsthand experience with a company who tried to limit the options available to me. I spent nearly six years with a previous financial planning firm. We had a great working relationship. They provided the training and support. I provided the revenue through clients and services. Pretty good deal, right? Yeah, it was great, until it wasn’t.
After six years with the firm, I started to dig into the numbers. By this time, I had outgrown the limited training they were offering. Outside of the office they paid for and the administrative support they provided, there were no other benefits to the partnership. In fact, in digging through the numbers, I came to the conclusion that the benefits being offered equaled roughly $2,500 per month. That sounded great, until I realized the commission I was giving the company through my clients was roughly $4,000 per month.
At that moment, I knew I had to make a decision to start my own financial planning firm. Long story short, I approached the firm I had been working with to inform them I would be leaving, to which they responded by informing me that, six years earlier, I had signed a contract that stipulated that my clients were not really my clients, but theirs. If I were to leave, I’d be leaving roughly $70,000 of residual income on the table.
That was a difficult decision to make but, ultimately, one I proceeded with anyway. That said, I know for a fact the fear of losing that residual income has kept plenty of advisors exactly where they currently are—unhappy, dissatisfied, and resentful, but $70,000 a year richer.
As I debated whether to leave or stay, I could not ignore the words that echoed in my head from a coach I had hired to help me grow my financial planning practice.
When he left his former financial planning firm, he had a very similar experience. He marched into his boss’s office to inform him of his resignation. His boss responded by stating, “Mark, you’ll never be able to make it on your own. It’s too hard, it’s too challenging, and you can’t do it without us. You’ll be back.”
With all the courage and gusto he could muster, he retorted, “I’d rather live in a cardboard box than be your bitch the rest of my life,” and marched out of the office.
Mark now owns a financial planning firm that manages over $7.5 billion in assets.
COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS
At the end of the day, I believe it is nothing more than fear that keeps us from relying on the fruits of our own efforts. It’s fear of the unknown. It’s fear of uncertainty. It’s fear that somehow things will go horribly wrong. For this reason, we cling to our lifelines to avoid being drowned in the sea of negative consequences we may find ourselves in.
The problem is magnified by defense mechanisms we, as humans, have relied upon for thousands of years. They’re called cognitive distortions. These distortions of reality are designed to keep us safe, but at the end of the day, they’re lies and delusional thoughts about how bad the situation really may be.
I understand how destructive these distortions can be. During the darkest time in my life—my separation from my wife—I would often sit alone with my thoughts in the evening (by the way, I don’t recommend doing that). I would think about what went wrong in our marriage and how I could fix it. More often than not, I would jump to the worst possible outcome or think that the world was somehow going to end because of our separation.
“She’s going to ask for a divorce any minute.”
“She’s going to take my son away.”
“My son will grow up thinking I didn’t love him.”
“I’ll turn out just like my dad.”
“My life will be over.”
I tortured myself through a series of distortions that had little basis in reality. We do this so we can take action on improving ourselves or remove ourselves from the danger we may face.
The problem is that it might actually work. Our lies may keep us safe, secure, comfortable … and mediocre. But is that really any way to live?
John A. Shedd said, “A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.” You’re not built for mediocrity. You’re built to do something more. That something more requires you to shut your mind off and face the fear you may have always been too weak to stand against.
One of my close friends and original members of the Iron Council, Joe Kasprzak, uses the question, “What’s the worst that could happen?” An objective look at the answer typically reveals that the potential reward is well worth the perceived risk.
THE MINDSET—NO ONE OWES ME A THING
One of the most damaging beliefs a man can adhere to is that somehow someone owes him something—that his boss owes him a job, that his wife owes him her affection, that the government owes him health insurance. It just isn’t true. No one owes you anything.
The sooner you realize that, the sooner you release yourself from the dependence of others to provide the necessities and comforts of life. Most men can’t handle this realization; therefore, they play the game of life in a way that is inconsistent with the way they were meant to live it: big.
When we live by the notion that people owe us something, we cripple ourselves and our ability to live life on our terms. It reminds me of the agencies that rescue wounded animals. Many times, rescued animals cannot be returned to the wild because they’ve become too dependent, despite the efforts of the rescuers, on the provisions that no longer have to be earned.
You too belong in the wild. And w
hen you become accustomed to having all your needs met by others, you hinder your ability to live as a Sovereign Man. The truth is there is no one here to rescue you from all that you’re going to face. But that’s okay; you don’t need them to. In his poem “Invictus,” William Ernest Henley (Book of Verses, 1888) captures the notion that we are already enough and have within ourselves all that is needed to be free:
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
The only way to survive and thrive is to sever the ties that keep you domesticated and weak—to be your own man and to recognize that you already have all that you need. In other words, to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul.
THE SKILL SET
Cut the Cord. Take a look at your life and inventory where you are relying upon other people to provide the tools, skills, resources, and provisions you should be providing for yourself. Then, sever them.
Who are you overly dependent on for emotional support? Is anyone giving you money or resources that shouldn’t be? Do you have other people’s tools, equipment, or belongings? What comforts are you enjoying that you didn’t earn? Have you taken something that does not belong to you?