Sovereignty

by Ryan Michler

  I remember an incident when I was asked by my stepfather to fill in and patch a section of grass in our yard. I was tired. I had just mowed the lawn. I probably had a football game or wrestling match the night before. So, rather than do the job right, I cut out a piece of grass from the back of the lawn and simply threw it into the area that needed to be fixed.

  I knew I was in for it when my stepfather decided to come out and check my work. He walked straight to that patch job and pulled up the grass. Of course, he noticed the hole that was not filled in. Rather than get upset, he shared a simple message with me.

  He said, “Ryan, I know you’re tired. I know you didn’t want to do this job, but being a man of character is about how you behave and what you do when no one is looking.” And he walked off without another word.

  I completed the task the right way, and it’s a lesson that has stuck with me since.

  With so many people in this world willing to deceive, manipulate, and fraud you, you should be the one person you can count on. When you lie, cheat, steal, and do work less than you’re capable of, you’re not only injuring the people who rely on you, you’re defeating yourself and crippling your chances of Sovereignty.

  Being honorable and living with integrity is easy when things are going well. But that isn’t really the test of a man’s integrity. It’s how you handle yourself when things are going wrong—when you’re tired, angry, upset, or feeling cheated. During those times, you will be tempted to lie, cheat, justify, rationalize, and attempt to fool yourself into taking a pass on integrity. In that hour, decide to be an honorable man.

  THE SKILL SET

  Underpromise. It’s easy to get excited in the moment. It’s easy to make up a little lie about what you’re going to do when you know a customer has an expectation you know you can’t meet. It’s easy to be unrealistic about what you can accomplish.

  Whether it’s delusion or fear, you must be willing to resist the temptation to promise more than you’re capable of delivering. Sure, when you overpromise, your client is going to be happy about it. But when the day of reckoning comes and you haven’t completed what you said you would, you’re not only going to have an upset client; you’re going to have no client at all.

  If you know you can’t make a deadline, don’t say you will. If you know a client’s expectations are too high, it’s your job to let them know. If you know you won’t be able to take your wife out this weekend, or make little Timmy’s game, don’t lead them on.

  And, if the schedule gets moved around or you’re a little more efficient than you thought you’d be, you’ll have people who are pleasantly surprised—not surprised and pissed.

  Fail Fast. As I said before, we all fail from time to time. We make up little white lies. We underestimate how long a project will take. We attempt to appease people by telling them things that aren’t true. It happens.

  If you are to be a man of integrity, the key is to recognize and learn from these failures quickly. If you refuse to recognize that you messed up, all you’re doing is delaying the inevitable—inevitably a client will leave you or you’ll get sued or you’ll lose the faith of those closest to you.

  It’s going to happen anyway, so recognize it quickly, own the mess-up as fast as you can, create a solution, and keep driving on.

  Men of integrity fix their mistakes fast. Men without integrity dance circles around their failures indefinitely.

  CHAPTER 15

  CONVICTION

  “We should not, like sheep, follow the herd of creatures in front of us, making our way where others go, not where we ought to go.”

  -Seneca

  Having conviction doesn’t mean you’re loud or insulting. It’s interesting to watch grown men act like children, then, when called out on it, recite the words “Zero f**ks given” or “I can do whatever the f**k I want.” It’s as if the cruder and more disrespectful these guys are, the stronger they feel.

  While I can agree that every man has the right to do and say what he wants, a man of genuine conviction doesn’t feel the need to do so. A man of conviction doesn’t need to prove anything to anyone. He’s confident. He’s secure. And he’s able to act independently of others’ opinions, thoughts, and ideas without the need or desire to tell another man he’s wrong or “assert” himself in the moment. Frankly, he doesn’t care. He knows he’s operating with a clear conscience. His mind and heart are free.

  Some might consider this indifference. In many ways it is. A man of conviction knows exactly who he is and why he’s here, and he’s bold in the way he approaches his life. He doesn’t care about the opinions of the critics. He cares about living in alignment with who he is.

  We’ve all seen what conviction looks like. It may be difficult to quantify, but we’ve all experienced what happens when a man who is confident walks into a room. He doesn’t have to say a thing. He doesn’t have to announce he’s there. He doesn’t feel obliged to make a scene. He simply walks into the room and allows his presence to do the talking. Many would call it the X factor. I call it conviction.

  When a man frees himself of the need to be validated or approved by others, he is more able to step into the role he knows he is meant to pursue. Consider how you might skew your thoughts and actions if your highest objective is to be “found worthy” of the people around you.

  A man who believes his highest purpose is to win over other people rather than follow his own ambitions robs himself of the sovereignty that comes only with knowing who he is and acting upon that knowledge. This is a component of integrity (see Chapter 14, “Integrity”), which is to say his actions are in line with his beliefs. Manipulating those thoughts, ideas, and actions is another form of deceit—not toward others, but toward yourself.

  YOU WILL BE JUDGED

  Look, I get it. For a long time, I used to concern myself too much with what others thought of me. I said all the “right” things. I did all the “right” things. My hope was that if I did what I was “supposed” to do, I would succeed. How wrong I was.

  What ensued was years of frustration, discontent, and dissatisfaction. The more I tried to make others happy, the more I became unhappy with myself.

  We’ve all experienced it. As Robert Quillen says, “Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.” But why? Why do we do this to ourselves?

  I would argue we make the decisions we make out of a fear of judgment—more specifically, negative judgment. We have no problem when people judge us positively. Negative judgment is an entirely different story. And doesn’t this play into how we’re hardwired? We, as a species, are constantly striving to move toward pleasure and away from pain. Unfortunately, in order to satisfy this desire, we’re willing to lie, cheat, and steal. This is at direct odds with the liberty of our hearts and minds.

  I’ve got news for you. You are going to be judged negatively regardless of what you do. You could be preaching love and tolerance for all, and people will come up with something to find fault in.

  In a way, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. So, it’s best to do what you believe is right and to hell with the critics. If you are to regain control of your heart and mind, you’re going to have to come to terms with the fact that you’re going to be judged regardless of what you do. Get used to it. It’s part of the path.

  If we look even deeper, it isn’t the judgment we’re worried about. We’re worried about the impact of that judgment. Humans have a deep-seated desire to be accepted and a deep-seated fear of being rejected. One of our greatest primal fears is that we’ll be ostracized from the group.

  This worry was a legitimate concern for thousands of years. It used to be that, if we became isolated from the group, we faced a very real threat to our existence. We are strong in numbers. We haven’t evolved away from this line of thinking, although the threat of rejection isn’t nearly as dangerous as it once was. In an effort to keep safe and stay with the tribe, we
attempt to fit in, to toe the line, to be accepted.

  How do we combat the need to feel like we belong?

  First, through an understanding that rejection is no longer life-threatening. At the end of the day, the rejection we may experience is only damaging to our ego, not our lives.

  Second, through a healthy level of confidence in yourself and who you are.

  CONFIDENCE IS EARNED

  One of the most frequently mentioned topics in our Facebook group and conversations is the idea of confidence. It seems to me there is a real lack of confidence in many men today.

  What’s interesting is that most men who lack confidence somehow feel they’re entitled to it—that by their very existence, they have a right to confidence. They don’t. Confidence is earned. It’s earned through blood, sweat, and tears. It’s earned through the display of courage (more in Chapter 19) required to engage in the very activity you lack confidence in.

  It’s easy to sit on the sideline and observe men who have healthy levels of confidence. We might falsely believe that some men are born with it. I don’t believe that’s true. What we perceive as confidence in others is either excessive pride and arrogance (refer to Chapter 13) or simply the result of years of pain and discomfort that come with being engaged in the work required to foster it.

  Take the Order of Man podcast for example. When I set out to launch a podcast nearly three years ago, I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I was nervous. I was anxious. I was lacking confidence. This makes sense; I hadn’t earned it yet. But I started it anyway. Fast forward three years. I have plenty of confidence in my ability to host powerful conversations with some incredible people.

  It takes me significantly less time to prepare than it used to. The questions I ask are more assertive. The conversations are deeper and more meaningful. Why? Because I have earned the right to those results through the effort of podcasting. As of this writing, I have recorded more than 220 shows without missing a single week!

  Guys will ask me:

  “Ryan, how do I get more confident with women?” You talk with women.

  “How do I get comfortable asking for a promotion?” You ask for a promotion.

  “How do I get comfortable in my ability to do __________?” You do __________ more often.

  Through courage comes action. Through action comes confidence. Through confidence comes conviction.

  SOME OPINIONS COUNT

  Knowing that confidence comes through courage begs the question, “Can a man display courage without some level of confidence?” I believe the answer is yes. We all have an ingrained sense of courage that can be fostered and developed into the boost needed to take action.

  That said, there are sources of courage beyond our own internal belief system. When my two oldest children were learning to swim, I didn’t just throw them in the deep end and say, “Have courage, son!” That would have spelled certain death. No, my wife and I swam with them. We taught them to float. We taught them the strokes. We put them in swim classes.

  The same holds true for you when committing to take on a new venture. Sometimes, trial by fire is exactly what’s needed. Other times, you need to learn the fundamentals before jumping into the pool.

  What’s fascinating is, oftentimes the men with the “zero f**ks” mentality I mentioned earlier don’t take into consideration the opinions, ideas, experience, and insights of those who might actually have something valuable to share.

  When you live your life at a complete disregard for others’ opinions, you discount the power of tapping into those who have gone before. The fact is, some opinions actually matter. You’re going to have to discern between those that do and those that don’t, but if you can properly learn to make that distinction, you’ll be much more powerful than those who are oblivious to the expertise of those qualified to share it.

  I can’t imagine where my financial planning practice and the movement we’ve created with Order of Man would be without the invaluable guidance and direction of those who have done exactly what I was looking to do. It would have been easy for me to “just do it,” only to find out years later I was doing the wrong things.

  In reality, my ability to connect with other successful people has given me the validation and, at times, the proverbial kick in the ass I needed to take required action. Never discount the opinions of those who are qualified, in your corner, and want you to succeed. They’ll become a powerful source of external motivation, inspiration, and accountability. When combined with an internal drive to do the work you’re called to do, they will make you a man of unstoppable conviction.

  FINDING YOUR WHY

  Accountability to others is overrated. That’s an interesting statement, considering I just told you that other people can provide much-needed accountability to get you pointed in the right direction.

  That said, accountability to others represents a lower tier of accountability. Although others can provide a much-needed kickstart and a point in the right direction, becoming too dependent on them hinders personal progress and growth.

  What happens when the person you relied on, for whatever reason, is no longer there to motivate and inspire you? When that day inevitably presents itself, you’ll be left to rely on the person who matters most: yourself. Accountability to yourself represents a higher tier of accountability and one that we would all do well to strive for.

  At the end of the day, it boils down to doing what you said you would do simply because you said you would do it. But let’s face it, life is a challenge. People get sued. People die. The market corrects itself. Technology renders your position obsolete. People get sick. Your kids get into trouble. You get scared. Someone makes a comment that keeps you from moving forward.

  It’s impossible for you to predict these things, but you can hedge against them. This is the reason we’re talking about living a Sovereign life—so that we don’t subject ourselves to the mercy of outside sources. The best way to hedge against all that life will throw at you is to understand why you’re here and what your purpose is.

  In my second interview with Jocko Willink, Navy SEAL commander of the most decorated special forces unit of the Iraqi War, he said, “I’m not afraid of anything I’m doing because I’m doing it for the right reasons.”

  But who’s to say what is right? You are. Yours is the opinion that matters, and it’s something only you can define. Finding what is right and what drives you can be an arduous task. We treat our “purpose” or our “why” as some magical thing we’ll just happen to stumble upon.

  Unfortunately, that’s not true. Your “why”—the thing that drives you day in and day out—must, like confidence, be earned. We earn it through acting on the ideas and inspirations that inspire us.

  Take the Order of Man for example. When I set out on this journey years ago, I had no idea that I was embarking on what has now become a calling and one of the things I’ve been placed on this planet to do.

  It was simply an idea to start a podcast. So, I started one. Then, it was an idea to start a course. So, I started one. Then, it was an idea to start a mastermind. So, I started one. Then, it was an idea to host live events. So, I started hosting live events. Then, it was an idea to write a book. And I’ve written one.

  You aren’t entitled to your why, but you do have the right to earn it. You earn it through listening to that inner voice of inspiration and acting upon it.

  THE MINDSET—I OPERATE INDEPENDENTLY OF OTHERS

  Making choices free of others’ opinions and expectations can be a challenging thing to do. In fact, following rules and social norms has served us well to a degree in the past—especially as we were children attempting to understand how the world works and how we operate in it.

  But as with anything, what could be a healthy practice can quickly turn destructive if we refuse to accept that there is a time and place for everything. If you have become so reliant and dependent on others’ validation that it’s hindered your ability to do the things you know i
n your heart and mind you should be doing, seeking that approval no longer serves you—it cripples you.

  A man of conviction is willing to accept the qualified opinions of others but ultimately makes his own choice and carves his own path. It’s not easy when the whole world is telling you to behave one way and you know that isn’t the journey for you.

  Understanding that you will never escape other people’s judgment is the first step in acting as your own agent. From there, it’s critical that a man matures and develops his “why” and his confidence through deliberate action.

  Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has a thought about the way you should be doing things. Most of this comes from a place of love and care. Some of it doesn’t. Either way, no one is going to pay your bills. No one is going to accept the consequences of your choices. You are the one who has to live with your actions—make sure they’re your actions.

  THE SKILL SET

  Define Your Purpose. Defining your purpose can be one of the most challenging and rewarding experiences you’re likely to face on your journey to Sovereignty. It’s not something that happens overnight. It must be fostered and developed over years of the repetitive cycle of reflection, action, and review.

  Two things, however, keep many men from living with the level of conviction they’re capable of: ignorance and fear.

  When I say “ignorance,” I’m simply referring to the fact that a lot of men just don’t know what they ultimately want to be doing in life. This takes time to find. It takes thoughtfulness. And it takes intentionality.

  Here are a few questions to get you started:

  What are you doing when time goes the fastest?

  What would you be doing with your time if money was not a concern?

  What are people asking your advice about?

  Where does your mind drift throughout the day?