by Alan Dapré
Soon afterwards, the walruses waltzed in, spinning and sliding around the shiny stage like two cool cats on an iced-up bird bath.
Now it was time for Auntie Hettie and her pesky poodle to perform a polka!
“LET’S AMAZE THE JUDGE WITH SOME FLASHY DANCING,” she said, clicking her tracksuit – and Fluffy-Wuff’s collar – into MEGA-RAZZLE-DAZZLE mode! All the audience could see was BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT!
They heard lots of stomping and clomping and… chomping. (Um, the chomping was me eating a fishy biscuit I found in the rucksack.)
Me-yum!
“WASN’T THAT BRILLIANT?” beamed Auntie Hettie when the music stopped.
“Aye, it was dazzling,” agreed the judge, rubbing her eyes. “So dazzling I didn’t see a thing. I’m sorry, no points.”
“THAT’S NOT FAIR FAIR FAIR,” huffed Auntie Hettie, with a frown.
Ross was frowning too. “My rucksack is really heavy,” he puffed.
Charming.
Och, I only had 327 biscuits for breakfast, remember.
He hurriedly plonked the heavy rucksack – and me! – on the end of a see-saw.
Basil twirled onto the stage with a top hat on his head and a long cane in his trunk, while Mavis Muckle wheeled around wearing a beautiful gown. Basil tap-danced with all the grace of an elephant! (But that was okay, because he was an elephant.)
Ten black-and-white penguins joined him onstage and went slap-tap-tap with their happy flappy feet.
“Keep going, Basil!” cried Mavis. “You won’t slip up!”
“OH YES YOU WILL,” grinned Auntie Hettie. She gave a bunch of monkeys a bunch of bananas. Och, they went bananas! The chuckling chimps cheekily chucked the skins all over the stage!
Poor Basil slipped and bowled into the penguins. They tumbled like skittles as he rolled off the stage and landed like an elephant on the see-saw! As his end clunked down, mine swung up and flung the rucksack high above the stage, almost off the page!
Me-help!
Abandon rucksack!
I jumped for ma lives and flew like a bird. Sadly, it was an emu.
Mmmm. Emu.
“That cat’s doing the Highland fling!” spluttered the judge.
Not quite. I had done the fling and the high bits. Now I had to land!
I was about to be a splat-flat-cat on the stage when suddenly I PAWsed four feet from the ground.
Invisible Isla giggled. “Easy as catching a big round football.”
Charming.
She put me down and I took a bow.
Me-wow!
“That’s the best thing, I mean, fling, I’ve seen all day! You’ve won this round!” declared Florence McFudge. She took a good long look at ma incredible coat. “I’ve never seen a tartan cat before! You must be the only one in the world. Do you have an owner?”
“Porridge is his own boss,” said Ross.
“THAT TARTAN CAT MUST BE DISQUALIFIED,” roared Auntie Hettie. “THE RULES SAY ONLY TABBY CATS CAN ENTER.”
Auntie Hettie dangled her dodgy-looking list of rules in front of Florence McFudge.
“Hang on, no one knows this cat’s real colour,” said Ross. “When Porridge was wee he toppled into a tin of tartan paint! He might be a tabby underneath.”
“Tabby or not tabby? That is the question,” said Florence McFudge, thoughtfully scratching her head. She knelt down and thoughtfully scratched ma head too. Then stood up and spoke to Auntie Hettie.
“Even if that is a real rule, I’m the one running the show today. This competition is for all animals, large or small. Or tartan. I’m happy to say that Porridge can join in!”
Me-grin!
Suddenly the list floated out of Auntie Hettie’s hands and…
Rip-a-strip-rip
…fluttered down in tiny pieces!
It was really spooky.
(And really Invisible Isla who did it…)
14
Taken For A Ride?
“Now it’s time for the Most Obedient Pet round,” said Florence McFudge. “Whoever gets their pet to come to them fastest is the winner.”
“Porridge never does what he’s told,” sighed Ross.
I will now, I meowed. (At least until the end of this chapter.)
Auntie Hettie lifted Fluffy-Wuff up and gave him a mega-long hug.
Me-suspicious…
My suPURR cat senses tingled as she placed her dug down and skipped happily to the far side of the Show Ring.
Fluffy-Wuff wriggled, as if he was sitting on something uncomfortable.
Hmmm.
Auntie Hettie stood by Ross, holding a joystick in her hand. She looked very confident. Her dug looked very grumpy. The judge rang the bell…
KLANG-A-LANG-LANGGG!
Slomo the sloth set off at zero miles an hour.
Och, and a jay flew the wrong way.
I saw a thrush in a rush and a chick who was quick.
There was so much noise I couldn’t hear Ross. The animals mooed and cooed and brayed and neighed. They yowled and howled and nattered and chattered.
What a din!
I ran after Fluffy-Wuff – who was WHOOSHING along still sitting on his bahookie!
Me-how?
“I’m going wheely fast,” he bragged, wagging his tail. My mega-super-well-OK-not-bad eyes spied four wheels whirling furiously under his fur. The devious dug was riding on top of a remote-control toy car!
“You won’t catch me, Porridge,” he woofed. I looked ahead – past his head – and saw Auntie Hettie jiggle the joystick. Fluffy-Wuff went even faster!
“WE’RE WINNING,” she whooped, throwing her hands up in delight. Unfortunately for Fluffy-Wuff, she accidentally threw the joystick too.
KRASSSHHH-TINKLE-PLINK!
The joystick smashed into a million and nine pieces. Fluffy-Wuff suddenly careered off-course. He zigzagged left past a lemur and right past ma nose!
It was hard to keep up with the souped-up pup.
Och, I’m not a very runny Porridge.
“I know how to speed you up, Porridge,” said Invisible Isla, running beside me. She dangled a fishy biscuit in front of me, just out of reach. I dashed after it.
Me-chomp!
Another fishy biscuit appeared in the air. And another. The faster I romped, the more I chomped! I WOLFed them all down, even though I’m a CAT!
What happened next was a bit of a blur (probably because I was running suPURR fast). All I remember is WHHHOOOOOOOOSHHHING past Fluffy-Wuff – full of energy and fishy treats.
“FLUFFY-WUFF, SLOW DOWN!” yelled Auntie Hettie.
I can’t, he howled, heading for trouble… and Auntie Hettie (which is the same thing).
Suddenly a foam dug bed flew through the air and landed in front of the out-of-control dug. He tumbled on top and the crazy car stopped.
Me-phew!
The bed had got in the way and saved the day!
“Yay! I did it!” Invisible Isla said.
Me too! I mewed as I crossed the line.
Auntie Hettie gave Fluffy-Wuff a hug. He gave her a grumpy look.
Then Florence McFudge gave everyone the result of the race: “The winner of the Most Obedient Pet round is… Porridge, the tartan cat!”
“Well done, you won!” whispered Invisible Isla.
Thanks to all those turbot-charged fishy biscuits.
Me-yum!
Ross spoke softly to his see-through sister. “I loved your overhead bed trick. You saved Fluffy-Wuff.”
“Nothing to it,” giggled Invisible Isla.
Florence McFudge ordered the owners to return to the Getting-Ready Room. “Please prepare your pets for the final round: ‘The Great Scottish Show-Off’.”
Och, that’s what everyone calls me!
15
A Sticky Trick
“We must get you washed and brushed,” whispered Invisible Isla, back in the Getting-Ready Room.
That won’t take long, I meowed.
Me-lick!
“Now yo
u need a wee brush, Porridge,” said Ross, reaching for the Funtangler.
“NOT THAT! USE THIS,” snapped Auntie Hettie, handing him a tiny toothbrush instead.
“I can’t brush Porridge properly with that wee thing!” cried Ross.
“I KNOW,” Auntie Hettie grinned. She turned away and fussed over Fluffy-Wuff.
Hmmm. The pesky guest didn’t want me to look my best.
Her moochy pooch looked very fed up.
So was I after scoffing all those fishy biscuits!
“Auntie Hettie’s not very happy that you’ve won two rounds,” explained Invisible Isla. “The same number as Fluffy-Wuff.”
“That means whichever one of you wins the last round will get the Best Pet trophy!” added Ross.
Me-wow!
Auntie Hettie dangled wee bells and ribbons on her pampered pet. The dug had more decorations than a Christmas tree! But she wasn’t finished yet. She grabbed a giant bow and tied it on his back.
“TODAY I WILL MAKE SURE WE WIN WIN WIN,” Auntie Hettie promised Fluffy-Wuff.
She took a shiny can from her big bag and waved it in front of the other competitors. “COME AND GET YOUR FREE CAN OF HAIRSPRAY! THERE’S PLENTY FOR EVERYONE!”
A crocodile owner snapped up the first can. Soon Auntie Hettie was surrounded by an eager crowd, and the air became filled with the hiss of hairspray. (And the hiss of jealous snakes, who didn’t have hair.) Auntie Hettie gave them a wee spray anyway.
HISSSSSSSSS!
She marched back to our bench. “Are you going to spray Fluffy-Wuff?” asked Ross.
“NO NO NO!” said Auntie Hettie, pointing the can at me. “JUST THAT TARTAN CAT. ISN’T THAT AWFULLY KIND OF ME?”
“Awfully suspicious,” muttered Invisible Isla. “Look at the label. Watch out, Porridge!”
I’m not going to stick around here, I meowed, daringly darting between Auntie Hettie’s legs. Before she could turn around, I was lifted off the ground.
Me-vanish!
“Porridge, where are you?” whispered Ross.
“He’s safely hidden in my hood,” said Invisible Isla softly. “No one can see him now.”
“WHERE IS THAT PESKY CAT?”
“You won’t see Porridge for a while,” said Ross. (Aye, probably not until the next chapter.)
“GOOD!” she grunted. “WITH PORRIDGE OUT OF THE WAY, MY DUG IS SURE TO WIN!”
The final round was about to begin.
KLANG-A-LANG-LANGGG!
16
The Great Scottish Show-Off
“Come back into the Show Ring for the last round, everyone,” called Florence McFudge, waving at all the other comPETitors.
“Basil’s stuck to the floor!” moaned Mavis.
He wasn’t the only one. The gnus were glued; the iguanas were gummed. Even the ducks were stuck! When the puzzled owners tried to pull their pets free, they discovered they were all in a VERY STICKY SITUATION because of the horrid
X-X-X-X-Xtra-Hold Hairspray.
It was just a big fix.
We’re stuck! the animals cried.
“SUCH HORRID LUCK,” said Auntie Hettie as she led Fluffy-Wuff through the doorway into the Show Ring.
Such horrid cheating, more like.
The twins ran past the trapped animals and stood beside the Show Ring. I poked ma head out and nearly bumped a wee button on the wall.
“Porridge, watch out!” warned Ross. “You don’t want to set off all the sprinklers.”
You should watch out for that wee button too. In case someone bumps into it later!
Auntie Hettie smiled at her reflection in the shiny Best Pet trophy. Then she said to the judge, “FLUFFY-WUFF IS THE ONLY ANIMAL IN THE SHOW RING SO IT WON’T TAKE YOU LONG TO PICK THE BEST PET.” She pointed a finger at her pesky pooch.
“Wrong! Porridge is here!” cried Ross from the back of the room. To prove it, I yowled loudly and leapt down from Invisible Isla’s hood.
Auntie Hettie spun around and glared at me. Really glared: her tracksuit’s flashy lights shone like bright stars. I was in the spotlight, ready to do something MOGnificent.
“Time to fly,” said Invisible Isla, lifting me off the mat.
As if by magic, I looped and swooped towards the Show Ring. The audience was imPURRessed by the sight of a cat in full flight.
“A flying cat, fancy that!” cried Florence McFudge.
I fluttered around like a tartan butterfly, totally showing off in the Great Scottish Show-Off round.
“BAH! MA DUG CAN DO THAT,” said Auntie Hettie, looking at Fluffy-Wuff. “ANYTHING PORRIDGE CAN DO, YOU CAN DO BETTER!”
No I can’t, woofed Fluffy-Wuff.
“YES YOU CAN.”
No I can’t.
“YES YOU CAN.”
No I can’t. No I can’t! No I can’t! He flopped on the floor and would not budge.
“Porridge is the winner!” declared the judge. “That tartan cat is the best pet I’ve ever seen.”
Me-wow!
Florence McFudge held out the Best Pet trophy and lifted the lid. Sadly, it was empty.
But not for long! She filled it to the brim with fishy treats!!!! I dived in for a delicious swim!
Me-yum!
17
Wash And Go
Soon I was full of fishy biscuits. Och, and Auntie Hettie was full of fury!
“THIS TROPHY IS MINE MINE MINE,” she howled, snatching it up. I almost-sort-of-nearly fell out, and dangled from a handle. “OCH, YOU’RE REALLY GETTING UP MA NOSE!” she said.
It was true. The tip of ma sock-tail was tickling her nostrils.
Auntie Hettie sneezed…
ATCHOOOOOOOOO!
I flew through the air with the greatest of ease, a daring young cat on a nasty green sneeze.
KALUNK!
Ma bahookie bopped the wee button and it set off the water sprinklers above ma head!
They suddenly spun…
SWOOOOSHHHH!
…and sprayed cold water over everyone.
SPA-LOOOOSHHHH-SPLISH-PLISH-SPLOOOOSHHHH!
The water was showering…
Auntie Hettie was glowering…
And the pot plants were flowering… (But that wasn’t important right now.)
Water rained down from every ceiling inside the Town Hall, including the Show Ring and the Getting-Ready Room. It cascaded off chairs and gushed down stairs. It drenched every bench.
SPLISH-PLISH-SPLOOSH
All the pets got soaking wet. Just as I’d planned – sort of.
“Good thinking, Porridge!” cried the twins as the water washed away the sticky hairspray. It unstuck shrews and unglued gnus. It dislodged dugs and loosened slugs. As quick as can be, all the pets were set free.
Thanks to me!
I was bobbing by a robin when the Best Pet trophy floated past me.
Mmmm. Robin.
I leapt back in because I don’t like to swim. (It’s a cat thing!)
“I think we need to turn the sprinklers off!” wailed Ross, up to his waist in swirling water.
“Leave it to me,” said Invisible Isla. She leapt onto the foam dug bed from Chapter 14, which was floating on the rising tide, and began to paddle it along like a raft.
Her crafty plan worked! Invisible Isla splashed to the wall and bashed the wee button again.
KALONK!
All at once, the water stopped pouring and I started purring.
“Nice one, Sis,” said Ross.
“Swim for the exit!” cried the judge.
Basil the elephant swirled down the hallway and SPLASH-BASH-CRASHED the door open with his big bahookie. Everyone SPA-LOOSHED down the steps on a watery wave!
Thanks to Invisible Isla, all the pets were saved from the flood. And they were all squeaky clean too – especially the mice.
Mmmm. Mice.
“Well done, Porridge,” said Mavis. Basil the elephant lifted his trunk and gave me a big pat on the head. Lots of other animals gave me a big pat too (apart from the c
ows, because that would be smelly!).
18
Pretty As A Picture
Now the Best Pet Show was over, all the animals were walking, stalking, sliding, gliding, hopping, clopping and taking taxis home. Except Fluffy-Wuff.
Quick quiz.
Was the dug:
a) looking in a puddle?
b) looking very surprised?
c) looking terRUFFic?
Answer:
He was doing all three! (a), (b) and (c)!
The whooshing water had washed away all of Auntie Hettie’s beastly bobbles and baubles and bells. Now Fluffy-Wuff’s eyes and fur and nose shone in the sunlight.
Fluffy-Wuff was the happiest dug in this book. The poodle in the puddle looked GRRRRReat!
Puzzled Auntie Hettie didn’t recognise her fuss-free pet.
“WHERE’S FLUFFY-WUFF?” she wailed.
A fat tear rolled down her face and dangled off her quivering nose. Fluffy-Wuff bounded over and wiped it away with a very waggy tail. He was the bounce-bounce-bounce-bounce-bounciest dug I’d ever seen. He scampered around Auntie Hettie with a soppy grin.
It’s me! he woofed.
She wiped her eyes, looked surprised and gave her dashing dug a hug. “OCH, FLUFFY-WUFF, YOU LOOK AS PRETTY AS A PICTURE.”
Aye, this one:
“YOU’RE THE BEST PET EVER.”
(Actually, I am – and I’ve got a trophy to prove it. I was still sitting inside, wearing the lid on ma head like a hat!)
After Auntie Hettie had finished hugging her happy hound, he bounded up to the shiny trophy. Fluffy-Wuff pawed at it sadly.
He wanted my trophy.
He blinked at me with sad, brown eyes.
No way would that moochy poochy stuff work on a cat.