‘You should have been able to have some fun,’ she said sadly. ‘You were just a teenager.’
‘Don’t feel sorry for me, Rosanna.’
‘Well, I do,’ she said softly. ‘I think all that just sucks. You were so alone and too young to deal with all of that. It wasn’t fair.’
She regretted burning him for being a workaholic. Of course he was—he’d had to be just to survive. And then, because of the guilt he’d felt. It didn’t matter what she or anyone said to him, she knew there’d always be a part within him that felt guilty about his mother’s passing. Emotions weren’t rational. No wonder he’d wanted to stay in control. No wonder he’d wanted to shield her from stress.
‘I have a really good life,’ he said quietly.
He had a really lonely life.
‘She’d be pleased for me,’ he added.
‘She would. And proud.’
She turned him to face her and wound her arms around his waist. Relief flowed when he rested his head on hers and he accepted her simple embrace. But Rosanna knew pride in achievement wasn’t everything. Pleasing someone, making them proud...that didn’t really matter. What mattered was knowing that the person you loved was happy. That was what she wanted her parents to want for her, as she was sure Leo’s mother would want for him. What she wanted for her babies. And, she realised, it was what she wanted for Leo. Honourable, hardworking, loyal, heartbroken Leo. She wanted him to be happy. She wanted to do everything she could to make his life better still.
And why was that?
Her heart soared and sank at the same time, tearing her in two with a wave of anxiety that she couldn’t stem...
She loved him.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
THEY DIDN’T LAUGH on the flight back to Sydney. Rosanna didn’t spill any salty snacks, didn’t eat any—she wasn’t hungry. He sat near to her but there was the slightest withdrawal. More than mere silence. Maybe he was thinking about work already and all the things he had to catch up on since being away. But she was anxious it wasn’t that. She was anxious about everything.
Dinner last night had been an art of distraction. In bed after there’d been his touch again—a silent, desperate touch. She’d clung, unable to hold back her need to embrace him. She couldn’t tell him she loved him, self-preservation warned her. He’d been quiet since. So had she. Maybe she was being over-sensitive—feeling vulnerable about her own emotions—but she couldn’t help feeling he regretted all that he’d said.
Back at the Sydney penthouse she discovered Leo hadn’t wasted any time. She found her belongings had been dried out and sent over. Her cuttings had been brought to the terrace garden, even Axel the axolotl had made the move.
‘Is everything going to survive?’ he asked.
‘I think so.’ She smiled at him. ‘Thank you. This was a massive effort.’
‘Not my effort really. I just got staff onto it.’ He watched her ruefully. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it right away.’
‘It’s okay, I understand why you waited.’
He feared her vulnerability. He glanced away. She felt wariness at this new intimacy. On holiday it had been easy, now there were other issues to navigate.
‘We should dine with your parents tonight,’ he said suddenly. ‘Have you got something to wear?’
The prospect terrified her but she knew she had to face them. ‘I can find something. And yes, I know I can buy something if I want to.’
She waved the bank card that had also been waiting for her at the penthouse. He’d insisted on organising money for her. She’d accepted, now understanding why he needed to do that too. His need to ensure her well-being was part of the deal. But he’d learn that she needed independence too. And respect. They could work on that. She knew he was trying—he’d just apologised, after all.
After Leo left to go to his office, Rosanna phoned her boss to let him know to expect her resignation. She offered online support to her students until her replacement was hired. Given her flat was currently uninhabitable, he understood. She emailed her students to let them know and got some immediate replies that made her smile. She’d figure out a job in the future, but for now she needed to work things out properly with Leo. They needed more time to build on the foundations they’d begun to form on their trip away. She went shopping, unable to resist the desire to impress not her mother, but Leo.
He returned from work surprisingly early. She smoothed down the sides of her dress. It was floral silk, sensual to the touch. Slim fitting, but she didn’t mind if her slightly wonky waist and lean to the left were obvious.
‘Is this okay?’
He hardly glanced at her. ‘Gorgeous. Let’s go.’
Her nerves built even more. He was definitely distant and her heart shrank.
‘I spoke to my mother earlier,’ she said as Leo drove them out of the basement garage.
‘How was she?’
‘She sounded excited on the phone but didn’t press for more information, which is unusual.’
Leo narrowed his eyes on the red traffic light ahead. ‘I offered them a deal at a new property we’ve picked up in Queensland.’
‘Pardon?’ Rosanna swivelled to stare at him.
‘A contract on a resort we’re redoing there. It’s a new acquisition. Something different. It’s not a large project, but we’ll see how they go.’
She was stunned. ‘So the proposal bargain you made the other day—’
‘Was a mistake,’ he interrupted her smoothly. ‘As you rightly recognised at the time. This isn’t a reward for saying yes.’
But that was exactly what it was. And it felt wrong. ‘How can it be anything else? You can’t give them the contract. Cronyism and nepotism aren’t your thing.’
She’d respected him for that.
‘They can’t be homeless, Rosanna. I can’t allow that to happen.’
So he was paying them off?
Her parents were now getting everything they’d wanted—business contracts and a society wedding. Their only child marrying a powerful, wealthy man—creating a permanent relationship they’d always benefit from. But she didn’t want them winning all that—they’d have learned nothing from their own mistakes. And she certainly didn’t want him feeling obligated to look after all her family. It made her not just a responsibility to him, but a burden.
And suddenly she was furious. ‘Have you negotiated with them already?’
‘I haven’t told them about the babies. I thought we could do that together.’
Her jaw dropped. ‘You thought?’ Her fury flared. ‘You’ve done all the thinking on this.’
Just what she didn’t want.
‘I didn’t want the contract mess and their problems getting in the way of our wedding,’ he said.
He’d gone behind her back. Again.
‘I thought we’d talked about making these decisions together.’
‘This was a business decision. Not a personal one.’
‘Rubbish, it’s to do with my parents,’ she snapped. ‘You thought you could decide the “best” way to solve this without even discussing it with me?’
She was a pawn, not a person. She had no real voice. She was not a priority. Again.
‘That’s not how it was.’ His frustration sounded. ‘I’ve had a business relationship with your parents for longer than I’ve known you.’
‘But this is personal. This is because of me and what’s happened between us. Otherwise you’d have just cancelled their contract and never looked back. It’s everything you didn’t want, Leo.’
‘Things have changed.’
What mattered to him most was the impact on his business. That was what mattered to her parents most too. She was not the priority here. And she never would be. Nor would her children. He might think he’d done it for her. But he hadn’t.
&nbs
p; ‘I didn’t want to upset you,’ he said.
‘Why would it matter if I got upset? People get upset all the time. Then they get over it. We could have worked it out.’
His jaw tightened. ‘I was hoping to save you stress.’
‘You’ve just caused me more.’ She was so hurt. ‘You’re used to doing anything and everything you want, calling all the shots, but that’s not how this can work with us. I thought you understood that. Why couldn’t you trust me to talk to me?’
They’d got nowhere. She’d been fooling herself for thinking they’d connected not just on a physical level but an emotional one. That he’d opened up to her. That he understood her needs as well as her understanding his. But he’d gone all high-handed boss again. Solving everyone’s problems for them as if he were responsible for everyone and everything. He did it without consultation. Without trust. And without that, there could be no future—not the kind she wanted.
In the light of her own emotions, her own vulnerability to him, she knew she couldn’t do this. She couldn’t accept this for her future.
‘I thought you didn’t want them to end up homeless,’ he growled.
Of course she didn’t. That wasn’t the point right now. ‘Why wouldn’t you talk to me about it when you knew I’d want you to?’
He glared at her. ‘Because I knew you’d say no.’
‘So you just did what you wanted anyway? Despite already knowing it’s not what I would want.’ She was so hurt. ‘Because you feel responsibility for me.’
‘Naturally I do.’ He looked furious. ‘I got you pregnant.’
It came back to that. Of course it did. And it would always come back to that. If fate hadn’t intervened, they never would have come to this—to her living with him, agreeing to marry him.
It wasn’t because he’d fallen in love with her.
He’d paid a high price for that night. He’d even tried to do the right thing then. He’d used contraception. He’d been courteous. He’d done everything right. When really all he’d wanted was a few moments of escape for himself. She related to that. She really, really did. But now he was stuck with her. And he was a man who took his responsibilities so very seriously.
He should be free and laughing as he had when they were out on the reef. Carefree and having fun. He should be out dating, playing the field. Finding his perfect match. Getting over the heartbreak of his mother’s passing. Learning it was okay not to work all the time. Learning that loving again would be worth it.
Not settling for her because he felt he had to. Because he couldn’t not do the right thing. She didn’t want to be that person to him. The one he ‘had’ to be with, who he ‘had’ to look after. Fate was cruel. The burden of her and their twins was the last thing he deserved or needed.
The worst thing was, she wanted so much more from him. And that was unfair of her, wasn’t it? She’d fallen for him knowing she was never going to be the right wife for him. She wasn’t who he’d fall in love with. How could he? So now he was working so hard to make the best of it. To make her believe they could make it work. But she wasn’t who he really wanted. This was only because of circumstance. He only wanted to marry her because he had to. And it hurt. It really, really hurt. Because now that whole trip felt like a lie.
‘This isn’t relevant, Rosanna.’ He tried to dismiss it.
‘It’s totally relevant. It’s everything.’
‘We don’t have time to talk about this—’
‘We don’t have the time not to. This matters.’
‘It doesn’t. It’s fixed.’
‘Nothing is fixed.’ She shook her head at him—at the way he wanted to shut this down. ‘You’re afraid of emotional conflict.’
He flinched. ‘No, I’m not.’
‘You don’t want anyone to get too close.’
‘How can you say that? I told you things I’ve never told anyone.’
‘And you regret it.’
‘Right now? Yes. Because you’re using what you know of my past to misinterpret my actions now.’
‘No, I’m seeing your actions for what they are. You’re a straight-up guy just trying to do the right thing. And you’ll always try to do the right thing by anyone.’
He stared at her. ‘And the problem is...?’
‘You don’t want people equating you with your father.’
His jaw clenched. ‘Of course I don’t.’
‘That’s the real reason you want us to marry, right? Because you don’t want to be seen as being like him. Not being there for your children. Not recognising them.’
He didn’t deny it.
It was the only reason that really mattered to him. He was desperately proving that he wasn’t like the man who’d seeded him. He’d do that over and over. This was about his past. Not about her at all. Or even what was truly best for their children.
It was still about reputation. Her life would be bound for ever by ‘what’s best for the business’ dictates. Just as her whole childhood had been. She’d never been the priority—not number one in her parents’ lives. Not in Leo’s either—her future partner’s. And that was not what she wanted for her children. To come second to the business. To reputation. To what others thought. The measure of success. To make all decisions upon that.
She’d allowed it to happen. She’d tried to be what her parents wanted. But now she had her own children to think about and she didn’t want them trying to live up to—or break away from—parental reputation or expectation. She wanted them to be free. And in order for that to happen, she needed to be free. And to do that—she had to be honest. And brave.
‘There are a lot of factors contributing to the decision for us to marry, Rosanna.’
‘But not the usual one.’ The most important one for her. The emotional one that he clearly didn’t feel.
‘You mean...’ He trailed off.
‘You can’t even say it?’ She laughed a little brokenly. ‘Love. Leo, yes. I’m talking about love.’
‘We’ve both known from the beginning this has nothing to do with love.’
It had everything to do with it.
‘You think you don’t deserve it,’ she said. ‘Not just because of your mother. Not just because you don’t want to mess up a marriage the way your father did. You don’t want to mess anything up so you don’t engage at all.’
‘Look who’s talking.’ He snorted. ‘You’re the one who hides in a lab all day, still trying to be something for someone else. Who could only have some fun when she pretended to be someone else.’
‘It wasn’t that I pretended to be someone else,’ she argued. ‘You were right. That night with you I was able to be myself—with no preconceived ideas, no expectations.’ He’d encouraged her to be herself. Accepted her as she was. He’d told her she was strong and she’d believed him. ‘I could just be me. And you wanted me then.’
But he didn’t love her.
‘And I want you now. We want each other,’ he said grimly. ‘So why are we arguing? Why isn’t that enough?’
Because it wouldn’t last for him. And she didn’t want to wake up every morning and wonder if that was the day when he decided he didn’t want her any more. ‘Because one day one of us might want someone else.’
He stared at her. ‘Might that not happen anyway?’ he asked cruelly. ‘Whether we state we’re in love or not?’
His cynicism broke her heart. ‘You don’t believe in it.’
‘No, I don’t. There’s a decent arrangement, Rosanna. And that is absolutely what we can have. There’s loyalty and honouring the contract we’ll make. That’s what marriage is. A contract.’
Purely business.
‘So there’s no consideration in your life for loving someone? There’s responsibility. There’s protectiveness. There’s passion. What’s the missing piece of the puzzle?’ She star
ed at him. ‘Why can’t you call it what it is?’
‘Because it isn’t what you want it to be,’ he growled. ‘It never will be.’
He didn’t feel for her that way.
‘What if it is for me?’ she said. ‘What if I said I’d fallen in love with you? And I want you to love me. That’s what I want.’
‘Rosanna...’
‘Couldn’t we have it all?’ She gazed at him sadly. ‘Why can’t I?’
His face froze. ‘I’m sorry. I can give you everything else. Everything—’
‘But the one thing I really want. The one thing that’s free.’
‘It isn’t though.’ He scowled. ‘I don’t have the resources for that in my account. I don’t have the means or the capacity to give you what you want.’
‘That’s not true,’ she whispered.
‘Not for anyone,’ he continued harshly. ‘I don’t have it, Rosanna. Never did. Never will.’
She glared at him. The way he’d retreated behind his wall of seriousness. ‘You think you’re strong? Focused? It’s not discipline, it’s denial. And it’s based in fear.’
‘I know what it feels like to have nothing and to lose everything.’
‘I know. And I’m sorry, but that doesn’t mean you never strive again.’
‘I spend my life striving.’
‘For one element,’ she yelled. ‘The least important. Work doesn’t matter. It doesn’t keep you warm at night.’ She was furious with him. ‘You didn’t want to be like him.’
‘It’s about responsibility—’
‘That’s just control in disguise. You want to control what you give and to whom you give it. Every bit as much as he did.’
‘I’m nothing like him,’ he roared, stopping the car at a red light.
‘Are you sure?’ she asked bitterly. ‘Because it seems to me that he was incapable of giving love. And also of receiving it. And isn’t that you?’
Nine Months to Claim Her Page 15