Live and Let Bondi

by Clare Kauter

“Right.”

  “But I’m pretty sure they were lying.”

  I bit my lip. “Why?”

  “Because I think they’re following me now,” she whispered, sucking in a breath that sounded like she was crying. “I don’t – I don’t know what to do.”

  I swallowed and my heart thudded in my chest. Fuck. We shouldn’t have left her there alone. Two seconds and Ella was being stalked through the night by a band of creeps.

  “Shit,” I said, snarling. “I knew I should have left my pocket knife with you.”

  “I’m on my way,” said Adam. “Stay on the phone. Where are you?”

  She gave him directions. He looked at me and I waved him off.

  “You go and get her,” I said. “Hurry. I’ll be fine to get to Eric’s house alone – it’s not too far from here. Just make sure Ella’s OK. Call me when you find her.”

  Adam nodded. “I will. Be careful,” he said, and took off.

  I sighed and tried calling Billy again. No answer. OK. I typed Eric’s address into my phone and jogged off in the right direction. I was just about there when I got a call from Adam and Ella.

  “Ella’s safe,” said Adam the second I answered. “But I’ve found out something I need to tell you.”

  I frowned. “What is it?”

  “It’s about Eric.”

  “Yeah?”

  “I got some people at the office to look into him,” he said. “Just to see if they could find anything that might help us.”

  “And?” I asked impatiently.

  “He was on TV earlier today. Defending a big case. Got someone acquitted and took every photo op he could.”

  “So?”

  “At the same time someone was shooting at you at Bondi, he was on the steps of the courthouse with dozens of witnesses,” he said. “He’s not your guy.”

  Shit. My brain tried to wrap its way around how this made any sense, but it couldn’t. It had to be Eric! What did that mean? Did he have a partner? But who? Why?

  Thinking about it further, the whole lovers’ quarrel theory seemed a little weak. I mean, you expect there to be some kind of passion behind those things. I had a hard time imagining Eric being passionate about anything (other than being a slimeball). Plus he hadn’t even bothered pretending to care about Jake. Surely if he’d done it, he would have done a better job of acting sad.

  But if not Eric, then who? Thoughts began to swirl in my head, clues clicking together. Could it be… Yes. It had to be. It was the only thing that made sense. Finally it was starting to add up. All the pieces began to fall into place in my mind. The safe deposit box, the stabbing, the arrows…

  I knew what had happened.

  Eric wasn’t the murderer. But if Billy was with Eric, he was in trouble. Big trouble.

  Chapter Forty

  Billy

  I blinked back into consciousness, confused. My arse ached. I looked down to find I was tied to one of the ugly, uncomfortable chairs Eric had forced me to live with for the entirety of our relationship. For some reason that made me angrier than the fact that someone was clearly planning on killing me. I was going to be murdered on one of these ugly fucking chairs. The last pictures that would ever be taken of me – the crime scene photos – and I’d be posing on one of these monstrosities.

  “Fuck you, Eric,” I muttered.

  “Excuse me?” came Eric’s voice to my right.

  I turned to look at him, finding he was tied to another one of the disgusting chairs.

  “My arse is aching,” I said. “If we’d bought the chairs I wanted –”

  “Really, Billy?” Eric snapped. “We’re going to do this right now?”

  “Well, it’s not like we’re going to have many more opportunities, given that we’re about to die.”

  Eric paled. “We’re not going to die.”

  “Yes we are.”

  “You, maybe,” he hissed. “I’m going to charm my way out of here.”

  “Wow,” I said. “You’re going to have to learn how to be charming pretty fast.”

  “What are you two whispering about?” asked our would-be-murderer. “Loud enough for the whole class to hear, come on.”

  “Eric was just telling me how charming he is,” I replied. “Wouldn’t you agree, Audrey?”

  Yes, high powered lawyer Audrey had arrived on Eric’s doorstep, knocked us both out with some kind of chemical-soaked rag and tied us up. Nope, I didn’t have a clue what was going on either. All I knew was that whatever chemical she’d used on us wasn’t making my queasy tummy feel any better. Lord but my stomach was churning.

  What was this about? Why were we tied up? Was she going to interrogate us? Maybe this was about the tape. That had to be it, right? She wanted to find out where the video of Spencer’s nephew was. She was worried it would bring her company down. Sure, this was a little bit of an insane way to go about retrieving it, but Audrey clearly wasn’t all there.

  I frowned. She had to be the murderer. She’d killed Jake and shot at me and Nat. But all this over a video? Surely if it had been discovered, she could have blamed it on Jake. Denied any knowledge of it. No one would be able to prove otherwise. OK, maybe I was wrong. Maybe that footage wasn’t why she had us tied up. But then why?

  She grinned at me, Eric’s carrot-cutting knife in hand. “Oh, I would agree, yes. Eric’s very charming,” she said. “Unfortunately.”

  I frowned. “Unfortunately?”

  She nodded. “That’s what got us into this whole mess.”

  I groaned. “Don’t tell me you were sleeping with her as well,” I said, glaring at Eric.

  “I was not.”

  “No matter how many hints I dropped,” said Audrey, grinning but without it even nearly making it to her eyes. “Nothing.”

  Seriously? Was this actually fucking happening?

  “Oh, you’re in love with Eric?” I said. “Right. Makes sense. You guys have a lot in common. You both lie for a living, have no regard for other people, have no clue how to approach relationships in an appropriate way. You’re perfect for each other. What I don’t quite understand, Audrey, is why you have me and Eric tied to these disgusting chairs.”

  She frowned. “They’re lovely chairs.”

  “See?” Eric hissed triumphantly.

  “No, you’re right,” I said sarcastically. “You’re clearly on the right side of this argument. You and your incredibly sane girlfriend over there.”

  “She might be crazy, but that doesn’t mean she has bad taste.”

  “She likes you,” I replied. “She has no taste.”

  I couldn’t believe this was happening. Well, no, I could. This was exactly the type of person Eric deserved to attract. I just wished she could have murdered him without me getting caught up in it.

  “Audrey,” said Eric, ignoring me, “I had no idea. Why didn’t you ever say anything? If I’d known…”

  I had to consciously stop myself from rolling my eyes. He really was going to try and sweet talk his way out of this.

  “Oh, Eric,” she said, “you knew.”

  He frowned. “I promise you, darling, I didn’t.”

  Darling? Dear god. I gagged. Audrey glared at me.

  “Whatever you used to knock me out has made me a little nauseated.”

  “Shut up,” she snapped.

  “Audrey,” Eric tried again. “You have so much passion in your soul. I just never imagined that someone like you would be –”

  “Please, Eric,” I said, unable to hold it in. “She’s one of the smartest fucking women I’ve ever met. She’s not going to fall for your bullshit.” Besides, he’d stolen the ‘passion in your soul’ line directly from me. Scum.

  “Very true,” said Audrey. “No, Eric. You had your chance. You missed it. And now you’re going to die.”

  He looked completely terrified and immediately began screaming and tugging at his restraints. Audrey sighed exasperatedly.

  “Shut up now or I will cut your tongue out.”


  He shut up immediately.

  “So, Audrey, is that why you killed Jake?” I asked. “Because he didn’t love you back?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Of course not, Billy,” she said. “I killed him to eliminate the competition. I knew he and Eric were sleeping together. I thought maybe if I got him out of the way, Eric would realise what a magnificent woman I was and stop rebuffing my advances.”

  “Right,” I said, like that made sense. “Of course. How did that happen?”

  “Oh, very simple. I organised to go for a late night jog at the beach with him. Stabbed him. Stole his spare car keys and hid the vehicle until I needed a getaway car for when I shot at you.”

  I nodded. “You stabbed him like the guy he was defending had stabbed his victim, then shot at us with arrows to cast suspicion on other people.”

  She nodded. “Although I have to admit, the bow and arrow thing was harder than I’d expected. I probably should have practised a little first so that I could have actually taken you down on that beach. But never mind. Now Eric’s just going to do a spot of murder-suicide to get rid of you. I’ll deal with your partner later, if she becomes a problem.”

  I had a strong suspicion she would.

  “Audrey, I’m still willing to give this a go,” said Eric. “Just release me and we can –”

  “Oh, please,” she said. “I know you and Billy are getting back together. I’m not an idiot.”

  Yes, you are, I wanted to say. This guy is a human shit stain. Why would I ever get back with him? Under any circumstances?

  Instead, Eric replied. “Audrey, I promise you, we’re not –”

  “I walked in on you cooking him dinner, Eric!” she screamed. He gulped. When she continued, her voice was softer but still contained just as much anger. “I’m not a fool enough to think that this cosy little scene means anything other than what it looks like.”

  I shook my head at her. “You have vastly misjudged this situation,” I said. “I came here to tell him all the reasons I was glad we’d broken up and why he’s the worst person I’ve ever known.” I paused. “Except maybe you.”

  “Maybe?” Eric hissed. “Maybe?”

  “Jury’s out,” I said.

  “Shut up!” she screamed. “I can’t stand listening to your lovers’ banter.”

  “I – that’s – what?” I said.

  She glared at me, holding the knife in a white-knuckle grip. “It makes me sick.”

  I eyed the knife, every fibre of my being screaming that it was time to stall. Stall! Stall! Keep her talking! Dear god, that knife looked pointy! Even my drunk brain could see that.

  “Say, Audrey,” I said. “If this whole thing was about Eric being a cold-hearted idiot –”

  “Hey!”

  “– why not tell us about that safe deposit box?” I didn’t really know where I was going with this, but I figured that if she’d sent her precious Eric to try to get the key from me, it must have been kind of important. Maybe while she was talking about that, I’d figure out some sort of plan to get out of this chair and run away. If I could still feel my legs, that was. These chairs were the least comfortable things in history. Other than maybe talking about sex with your parents.

  She rolled her eyes. “OK, fine,” she said. “I wasn’t totally honest about the reason I killed Jake, but I suppose there’s no reason to lie to you two.”

  “Not like we’re going to tell anyone.”

  She started cackling like that was the funniest thing she’d ever heard. “So true,” she said wiping her eyes with her non-knifey hand. “Well, the truth is that, uh, Jake had noticed I was… paying Eric a little extra attention.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “Oh?”

  She sighed. “He followed me and got some… pictures. Pictures that he threatened to make public if I didn’t help him advance at the law firm quickly.”

  “Right. Blackmail material.”

  “Exactly,” she said. “Anyway, when you told me about that box, I knew what would be inside. I managed to convince the bank manager to let me into the safe deposit box with a little forged documentation. Then I swapped out the pictures for the video of the stabbing. I figured that would distract you for a while.”

  “It worked,” I said. “That video was very distracting.”

  “Pictures?” Eric squeaked.

  “Nothing scary,” she promised. Then she immediately undid that promise by saying, “He might have caught me breaking in here once or twice to watch you sleep.”

  Eric gulped.

  “Oh, that’s very romantic,” I said. “Very Twilight.”

  “Exactly!” she said. “That’s what I thought. Thank you.”

  “Eric, I can’t believe you didn’t snatch up this woman when you had the chance,” I said. “You’re such an idiot.”

  She sighed. “I am going to be sad to kill you two,” she said. “I do like you, Billy. It’s just unfortunate that Eric liked you too.”

  “He really doesn’t like me,” I said. “At all.”

  “I don’t,” Eric confirmed. “I never loved him.”

  “Wow,” I said turning to him. “You’re going to go that low?”

  He shrugged at me.

  “No bickering, you two,” chided Audrey. “We need to get prepared for staging your homi-sui.”

  “Our what?”

  “Homicide-suicide,” she explained.

  Oh, goodie.

  “The cute nickname really helps take the sting out,” I said.

  She smiled. “I know, right?”

  She turned her back and began rifling through Eric’s drawers, looking for appropriate tools to use to kill us. While she was distracted, I took the opportunity to talk to Eric. Might as well squeeze in some more insults while I had the chance. Especially now that I had all this material.

  “Bet you’re glad you left me now,” I hissed at him. “You’ve really gone up in the world since then.”

  “Shut up.”

  “One psycho breaking into your house to watch you sleep, and one boyfriend who knew about that and didn’t tell you because he could use the knowledge for personal gain.” I started to giggle. “Brilliant.”

  “Stop it,” Eric said through gritted teeth.

  “No, seriously. Look at those legs. That knife. She’s perfect for you. I bet she’s not even allergic to cats.”

  “Shut your mouth,” Eric growled.

  But I wasn’t listening to him. I’d been distracted by movement across the room. Over Eric’s shoulder, I saw a figure creeping through the house. Someone had broken in through the back. Someone with curly brown hair who was wearing a black dress and boots. She gently picked up a vase from the coffee table, creeping toward Audrey.

  Shit. If Audrey turned around, she’d see Nat instantly. I needed to create a distraction.

  “Audrey, you stupid bitch!” I shouted. “Get over here!”

  She turned to face me, her back to Nat. “Excuse me?”

  “Eric just told me why he never wanted to date you,” I lied.

  “What? No,” Eric said, shaking his head violently. “No I didn’t! What the hell are you talking about?”

  He still hadn’t spotted Nat, crouched down and creeping towards us. I cursed this sparsely furnished open-plan living space and all Eric’s ugly chairs. Nat wasn’t going to be able to hide behind any of them. If Audrey turned, she would spot her immediately. And having seen the crime scene photos of Jake Rogers, I knew Audrey was pretty handy with the old stabby-stab technique.

  “What did he say?” Audrey asked through clenched teeth, her eyes flashing.

  “He said…” I swallowed. What was I doing? “He said your conversation was boring and you lacked self-awareness!”

  Audrey gasped and pressed her hand to her chest in shock. Nat took that opportunity to launch herself forward, running up behind Audrey and smashing the vase down on her head.

  “He said whuhh…?” said Audrey, who fell unconscious halfway through her question thanks to
Nat’s slam dunk on her skull. She fell to the floor with a dull thunk.

  “Nat, you’re a goddess,” I breathed.

  “I know,” she replied.

  “Do you know how much that vase was worth?” Eric screeched in horror.

  Nat turned and looked at him. For a moment she just glared, Eric withering slightly under her gaze, and then without breaking eye contact she reached her hand forward. It met the fruit bowl, which she then pushed off the counter, sending it smashing to the ground.

  “What are you –”

  “Oh,” she said flatly. “Look what happened in the struggle. Such a pity, Eric.”

  She walked over to a cupboard and opened it, taking out a stack of plates and flinging them at the floor.

  “Oops,” she said. “Oh god, Audrey just flailed around so much when I was trying to take her down. So many things got broken. Couldn’t be helped. I’m sure you’re appreciative anyway, though, right?”

  “The blue teapot,” I said, nodding my head towards it. “He loves that one more than he ever loved me. It’s antique.”

  Eric turned and gave me a look of horror. “You’re a monster.”

  Nat dropped it onto the polished concrete floor and it shattered into a million pieces.

  “Eric,” I said, “you’re like the human version of Nat’s coffee order. A cocktail of terrible.”

  Nat sucked in a breath. “That was quite a burn, Billy. Eric’s going to need some salve for that.”

  “Eric doesn’t deserve salvation.”

  Nat grinned. “Salvation,” she said. “I like it.”

  Chapter Forty-One

  Natalia

  Billy took the next day off work. I believe his official excuse was stress leave, but I knew with absolute certainty that the real reason was an epic hangover. He had not been well the night before when Adam and I finally dropped him home after we were all done giving our statements to the cops and Audrey had been carted away to a secure medical facility. It seemed like Billy might need the whole day to sleep the alcohol and chemicals off.

  I spent the morning telling Roy and Martha that we’d caught the murderer and they could now rest easy. Explaining why exactly he’d been murdered was a little less fun. Oh, he was blackmailing his boss who was stalking his boyfriend. Just the usual reason someone gets murdered, you know. Still, they seemed glad for the closure.