I let the back of my head rest against the lip of the bathtub while contemplating my next step. It was clear with my all night crying jags and days spent in a permanent fog of lightheadedness, that I was suffering from survivor’s guilt.
Why had I lived and Mike hadn’t?
Another sob tore from my throat, and I hurriedly brought the towel back up to muffle the sound.
“Katy?” There was a light tap against the door. “Babe, you okay?”
At some point, he’d dropped the girl, and I’d become just Katy. Mike had been the only other person to call me Katy, something I hadn’t remembered until he was screaming it to save my life. My mother said that when we were kids, he’d been insistent that everyone call me Katy just like everyone called him Mikey.
“I’m okay,” I blubbered unconvincingly, lowering the towel back to my lap.
The door opened, and Nate let his eyes adjust before coming over to kneel beside me. He brushed the hair off my sweaty forehead, and I realized his was sticking straight up on the right side of his head.
“Bad dream?” he asked, fighting a yawn.
I mashed my lips together and nodded. “I just keep going over it, picking apart every detail in my brain as if it’ll change things.”
Nate sighed and sank down onto the bathroom rug before taking my hand in his. “Babe, I think that’s pretty common after something like this—”
“I think I need professional help,” I interrupted. “I have a constant headache from crying all the time, and I’m tired, Nate. I’m so tired. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, it’s like I’m working in a fog.”
As if on cue, more tears began to leak from my eyes. “See?” I pointed. “I’m a wreck!”
He pulled me into his arms, dropping his chin to the top of my head. “You’re not a wreck, you’re grieving. And the exhaustion is just your body’s way of demanding a break.”
“I don’t think this is grief, Nate,” I mumbled against his chest. “It’s guilt, and I don’t feel like I deserve a break. There’s this part of me that believes I should have to live with the crying, headaches, fatigue, and dizzy spells because I’m the reason he’s not here anymore.”
Lauren herself had told me it wasn’t my fault, but it didn’t lessen the guilt any. I sniffled, waiting for a similar reiteration from Nate.
Instead, his muscles tightened beneath my cheek, and the hand rubbing my back froze mid-stroke. “How long have you been feeling like this?”
I tilted my head up toward his face to see if he was joking. “Um, since Mike died?”
He shook his head. “The fatigue and lightheadedness… how long have you been experiencing that?”
“Um…” I thought about it. “It’s gotten worse over the last week—”
Nate released me and flipped on the light before squatting down by the vanity. We both squinted, letting our eyes gradually adjust to the sudden brightness.
“Just, uh…” He let out a rough exhale before throwing open the cabinet under my sink. “Just humor me here for a second. Your symptoms are very similar to those of early pregnancy—”
“What?” I practically spluttered, tears completely forgotten. “Nate, no, I’m not pregnant. Trust me, I had really bad dizzy spells and panic attacks after my dad died—well, when he went away the first time.”
He continued rifling through the cabinet before holding up the box of pregnancy tests I bought not long after my father was shot. “You’re probably right, but let’s rule it out, yeah?”
I took the box from his hand. “Are you staying in here with me?”
“Yeah… but I’m a doctor, so it’s okay.”
“You’re a trauma surgeon,” I snapped as I sat down on the toilet. “When’s the last time you had to give someone a pregnancy test? And why are you smiling like that?”
Nate leaned against the wall, running the back of his thumb over his lips with a grin. “You gonna pee on the stick or not?”
I placed the cap back on the applicator when I finished and set it on the counter before washing my hands, fighting to ignore my puffy eyes and splotchy face. “There. You happy?”
He met my stare in the mirror with another broad smile. “Completely. Come here.”
“You seem pretty confident you know what the results are going to be,” I said as I padded over to where he stood.
“I just thought before you convinced yourself that there was something wrong with you, it wouldn’t hurt to consider that you might be pregnant.” His arms circled around my back, drawing me up against his chest.
The possibility rocked me to my core. We’d just managed to find solid ground as partners. Adding a baby to the mix now seemed like a recipe for disaster.
“Are you upset?” Nate’s brows pulled together.
“I just…” I paused to gather my thoughts, letting my chin rest against his chest. “It just seems as if nothing has gone according to plan with us, you know? I thought we’d get to our first anniversary before discussing children. It just feels rushed.”
“This is—” He sighed. “This is hard, which is something I swore I didn’t want. Been there, done that, you know? But ever since we met, you’ve captivated me, Katy. You saw me when no one else did—not my job or the money. Just me. And I fell, babe. I fell so fucking hard for the girl with the big heart. Yeah, it’s messy and complicated, but it’s us, and I’ll take that over easy any day.”
The stress and guilt I’d been carrying for weeks melted away at his words, leaving me feeling as if I could finally take a full breath. “I don’t want perfect… I just want you.”
I want passion. I want to feel it here.
His hand moved to cup my jaw, his thumb lightly tracing along my cheek. “Katy?”
“Hmmm?” I asked, sleepily staring into his bright, whiskey-colored eyes.
“It’s been three minutes.”
I nodded and took a deep breath before going back to the vanity. I was greeted by the sight of two pink lines in the oval window, and instead of the initial rush of panic, I embraced the mess and imagined a little person who was the perfect blend of the two of us.
“Does that mean what I think it means?” Nate’s lips brushed against my neck, his hands already settling against my abdomen.
I tilted my face up, and his mouth captured mine in a slow kiss that left me struggling to put my thoughts into words. I pulled away just long enough to whisper, “We’re having a baby.”
Nate grinned and turned me in his arms until we were face to face before lowering himself to his knees. In a moment that I would remember forever, he lifted my t-shirt and pressed his mouth to my still-flat belly.
“Hey, babe?”
I blinked back the tears in my eyes and nodded, unable to speak.
Keeping one hand on my shirt, he lowered the other and ran his fingers over the skin he’d kissed in reverence. “I hope the baby has your eyes.”
I gripped his hair, feeling as if I’d just stepped off a plane after a long journey.
I was wrong before.
Home wasn’t the house, with its stack of mail and shoes left on the floor.
It was him, down on his knees, worshiping the life we’d created.
* * *
“Fuck,” Nate cursed from the bedroom.
I looked up from my laptop with a frown. “What? What happened?”
“Oh, the hospital just called me in for a case.” He walked out to where I was sitting on the couch, already in his scrubs and cowboy boots.
I discreetly minimized the nursery furniture website I’d been browsing and pulled up a psychological study on the link between empathy and sexual harassment. “That’s okay—”
“No, it’s not. I wanted to spend the day with you. We just found out you’re pregnant.” He laughed and ran a hand through his hair as if he still couldn’t believe it. That made two of us. “Tell you what, I want you to take it easy today, and tonight, we’ll celebrate. Dinner, anywhere you want to go. How’s that sound?”
<
br /> “Okay, deal.” I tried and failed to keep a straight face. “But you better be careful, Doctor, a girl could get used to this kind of attention.”
His suddenly heated gaze dropped to my mouth. “I forgot to mention that after dinner, I plan on bringing you back here and giving you a thorough examination, Mrs. Davis. It could be physically exhausting, so you’ll want to rest up.”
Red-hot need flared up within me, but instead of saying something clever or sexy, I just nodded dumbly, my mind already tangled up in the sheets.
Nate leaned down for a quick kiss. “You make me so fucking happy, Katy.”
I locked my arms behind his neck, enjoying the rough feel of his stubble against my cheek. I managed to regain control of my speech center even as my brain helpfully reminded me of other places I enjoyed feeling it too. “I love you,” I sighed against his lips. “Are you sure someone else can’t do the surgery for you?”
He pulled away with a reluctant groan. “I wish. I’ll let you know if I can get out of there early. In the meantime, relax… browse every baby website—yeah, I saw that. I’ll be home soon.”
The door closed behind him, and I caught sight of my reflection in the screen of my laptop as it switched over to screensaver mode. My lips curved, and while I wasn’t glowing, it was impossible to miss the excitement in my eyes.
I continued grinning at the screen, imagining how Nate was going to be as a dad. My smile wavered when thoughts of Mike filtered in, and I realized that I’d gone almost the entire morning without the memory of that night at the forefront of my mind.
It felt like cheating, finding joy in the middle of tragedy.
At the sound of the doorbell, I set my laptop and thoughts of Mike aside, suddenly grateful for a distraction. When I saw who it was, grateful suddenly wasn’t the right word. “What are you doing here?”
“Before you call in the firing squad…” Jeremy held up a paper cup. “I come with a peace offering. Earl Grey with two packets of honey… just like you like it.”
Reluctantly, I took it from his hand. “Why?”
He looked down, scuffing the toe of his boot against the welcome mat. “I heard about Mike… and I’m an asshole who owes you an apology. Is Nate here? I owe him one too.”
“He got called into work—”
“Can we talk? Out here, I mean. I don’t want to cross any lines.” Jeremy moved his hand protectively over his groin with an easy laugh. “I’d like to keep my balls intact.”
I pointed toward the small bistro set tucked into the corner of the porch. “We can talk over here.”
He sat down with a heavy sigh. “First of all, I just want to say that I’m sorry about your brother.”
My nose burned with the threat of tears, but I managed to keep them at bay by sipping the hot tea. “Thank you,” I finally said, studying his face. Maybe it was the fact that we were sitting on the front porch in broad daylight, but the feelings of fear were gone.
“And the shit between us. I fucked up, Kate. I never should’ve pushed you for something that you weren’t ready to give—”
I held up a hand. “I’m married, Jeremy. You say not ready like it’s some temporary thing—”
He glanced up and down the sidewalk before leaning in with a wince. “I meant the night you lost your virginity. I shouldn’t have pressured you into going home with me. It only complicated things.”
“Oh.” I took a long drink, more to keep myself from blurting out that I’d pushed for him to take me home that night, knowing the conversation would only lead to trouble.
A young mother waved as she walked by, pulling her toddler in a little red wagon. I lifted a hand in return, watching the leaves rustling on the trees lining the street. Someday, they’d be tall enough to provide shade.
I could picture Nate and I pulling our baby in a wagon under a canopy of green, waving to the neighbors sitting out on their porches.
“You seem different,” Jeremy noted. “Happier than the last time I saw you.”
I frowned, still watching as the mother and her baby became dots on the horizon. “The last time you saw me, you made an extremely inappropriate comment and then got into a fight with my husband.”
“Fair enough,” he said with a chuckle. “So, what are you going to do?”
“About what?” I turned back to look at him.
“The case… Avengers assemble and whatever else Dakota says. I thought with what happened to Mike, you’d be out searching for answers. Speaking of, did you ever track down the cop? What was it you call him?”
“Doucheface? No, we never found him.” My head suddenly felt heavy, and I stretched my legs, sliding down until it rested against the cushion. This felt different than the average, everyday fatigue I’d been experiencing.
Like being weighed down with a warm blanket.
“You doing alright, Kate?”
I took another sip of tea before the cup fell from my fingers and onto the table between us. “My tongue feelth thick,” I slurred, sounding more than a little intoxicated. I planted my bare feet against the patio pavers and stood up, only to begin swaying violently as the ground tilted beneath me.
Oh my god, I felt drunk.
“Whoa there.” Jeremy managed to catch me before my face introduced itself to the stamped concrete. “Are you feeling okay? Let’s get you inside.”
I nodded, letting him lead me through the living room and onto the couch. “I’m gonna grab you some water. Just lay here.”
“Dizzy,” I mumbled as if Jeremy would somehow be able to interpret that I’d been dealing with lightheadedness. The room spun slow circles around me, and I watched in wonder as the ceiling fan multiplied before fighting against a wave of nausea.
I needed a doctor.
My hands closed around air twice before I managed to pluck it off the coffee table. There were six missed calls from Nate.
But he was in surgery…
“Do you want ice?” Jeremy called from the kitchen, and I nodded.
Up and down means yes.
A text box appeared underneath my thumb as I tapped at the screen, struggling to remember how to unlock it. I stared blankly at the arrangement of letters, struggling to make sense of them in my addled state.
Nate:
Hospital says they didn’t page. Must’ve been a glitch in the system. Heading home now.
Glitch.
I thought you knew Jeremy was a hacker…
The answer had been staring us in the face the entire time. My foot slipped off the edge of the couch, falling to the hardwood floor like a boulder from the side of a cliff. The trap had been set, and we’d walked into it without another thought.
Jeremy was the traitor.
I reached for the coffee table only to end up in a heap on the floor. The pulse thrummed in my throat as I tried lifting an arm to pull my body up, but it was as if someone else had taken control. With a low moan, I managed to drag myself a few inches, stopping to cool my overheated skin against the hardwood.
When I tried again, my fingers just twitched in response.
“Here we go, Kate,” Jeremy called as he came into the room. “Jesus Christ, I told you to stay on the couch. You’re in no condition to be moving around.” He lifted me into his arms and placed me back on the couch, smiling as he gently brushed the hair from my eyes.
“Y-y-you,” I forced out through a clenched jaw. “W-w-why?”
The biker wiped the sweat from my forehead. “Now, before I lose you to the drugs completely, can you tell me what happened with Mike? Do you know who shot him? We want to help.”
Who wanted to help?
My lips parted, and a small puff of air escaped, but the ability to speak had fled. I just wanted to let go and drift away, my body was begging for it. The sleep I’d been craving was within arm’s reach, all I had to do was take hold.
Katy, you make me so fucking happy.
The corner of my mouth pulled up in a smile.
We were happy.
/> “Kate,” Jeremy’s voice sang from somewhere high up in the trees, pulling me back to shore. “We want to help you, but we need answers. Who wanted your brother dead?”
I thought of the baby growing in my womb, so small and defenseless. It was the push I needed as my eyes became heavy, and my consciousness began to ebb.
Keep breathing, Katy.
Deep breaths.
In and out.
“W-w-who?” I pushed the word out like a breath, before being pulled back down to the depths of relaxed oblivion, my cheeks damp with tears and my husband’s voice echoing inside my head.
Jeremy lifted my hand, pressing a kiss to the inside of my wrist. “I could’ve kept you safe—the night you came to me. I would’ve protected you from all of it. I wanted you to remember how good it was between us like I did, but you pushed me away.”
He paused to wipe the moisture from my face before clearing his throat. “Now, it’s too late. Saint wants you, and I don’t have a fucking clue what he’s got planned, Kate. Just tell me what you know. Tell me, and I’ll ask him to let you go. Was it Bear? Silent Phoenix? Just give me a name!”
How did he not know?
“Kate,” Jeremy growled, his lips brushing against a tear on my cheek. “For fuck’s sake, answer me! I’m trying to keep you alive!”
When they realized they wouldn’t get any information out of me, they decided to send a message.
I registered the sound of the patio door opening and hope surged within me, propelling me back to the surface.
Fight! Nate’s voice roared in my head, and I ground my teeth together before reaching up to weakly shove Jeremy’s mouth away from my face.
I did it.
I’m saving us, baby. Hold on.
“We’re out of time. We need to go.” A familiar voice said tersely before moving over my body.
Recognition slammed into me like a rogue wave, sending me tumbling back down into the depths, the darkness closing in all around me.
Savior: Silent Phoenix MC Series: Book Five Page 26