Until You

by Janis Reams Hudson

  “Good thing it’s temporary,” he muttered good-naturedly as he inspected his identical tattoo. “I’d never be able to go home again. My mother would disown me.”

  “You didn’t tell me you were risking a mother’s love, and all for me.” She batted her eyes.

  “There’s a lot I’d risk for you.” The truth of his own words shook him. He kissed her. And he didn’t stop until much, much later when juvenile hormones gave way to adult emotions and Gavin proved to them both that loving in the morning light was just as good as it had been in the darkness.

  As they drifted off to sleep again afterward, one question pulled Gavin’s mouth into a frown.

  How was he supposed to leave this woman?

  Why, in the name of all that was good, was he even considering it?

  Chapter Twelve

  She woke to music, the soft strumming of a guitar accompanying a gravelly, rusty voice.

  Gavin.

  Alone in her bed, Anna blushed fiercely, clear to her toes as she remembered.

  Had that been her last night, and this morning? That wanton woman who had rolled across this bed in the throes of passion with a man who stole her breath and owned her heart? How was she supposed to face him after...

  Oh, my. It wasn’t possible to stay embarrassed when she remembered that she—dull, drab Anna Collins—had made Gavin Marshall cry out in pleasure nearly as often as he’d done the same to her. Breathless at the thought, she jumped from the bed and reached for her robe. She had to see him. Had to assure herself that last night had been real. Maybe as important to him as it was to her.

  His music drew her to the den.

  He wore nothing but jeans and was seated on the floor with his back to her, a pad and pencil by his side as he quietly strummed the chords. And he was singing.

  “...Alone and oh, so cold, drifting along, with no one to hold, day after day, just growing old...until you.”

  Anna would forever regret whatever sound she must have made that alerted him to her presence and made him stop playing, stop singing.

  He snapped his head around. “I didn’t hear you.”

  “You were busy. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

  He leaned the guitar against the couch and climbed to his feet. “That’s all right.”

  She smiled at him. “I thought you said you couldn’t sing.”

  Gavin ducked his head, charming her. “That wasn’t singing. That was gravel on sandpaper.”

  “It was singing. You should record your songs yourself instead of selling them to other artists.”

  He’d thought about it, Gavin admitted to himself. More than once. But it was one thing to hand your words off to someone else to sing. Quite another to have your own rough, craggy voice recorded for posterity. And if you were serious about it, you’d have to go the whole route, appearances, concerts...

  “Nah,” he told her. “That’s not my thing.”

  “That wasn’t something I’ve heard before,” she said, motioning toward the notepad and guitar.

  “Nobody has. I haven’t finished it yet.”

  “May I hear it?”

  He grinned. “Not until it’s finished. I’ve been waiting for you to wake up.” He reached for her and slid his arms around her, pulling her close. He kissed her, taking his time, savoring, enjoying. He regretted now that he’d gotten up and left her to wake alone. But the song had called him to his guitar, refusing to wait. Over the years, he’d learned to heed that call.

  Besides, he thought ruefully, if he’d stayed in bed with her, they would have made love again, and he knew instinctively that Anna wasn’t used to it. Or hadn’t been, he thought smugly. He couldn’t bear the thought of causing her any pain or discomfort.

  But, damn, did she feel good in his arms.

  He eased off, nibbling the corner of her mouth. “Good morning,” he said against her lips.

  Anna sighed in utter contentment and allowed herself, if only for a moment, to lean against him, to wonder in the darkest recess of her heart what it would be like to wake every morning to his music and his kiss.

  Don’t look ahead, Anna reminded herself firmly. He was here now, hers now. She wouldn’t spoil it wanting the impossible. “Good morning,” she whispered back.

  “Don’t clean house today.”

  “What a thing to say.” She chuckled as she stepped out of his arms. “It’s Saturday. I always clean house on Saturday. I can have it done by the time you’re through working on your song.”

  “I’m through working on my song, and the house is practically spotless. Let it go, just this once. Spend the day with me.”

  The effect he had on her when he got that little-boy plea in his eyes, while his smile was all man, was interesting. She was supposed to resist that lethal combination?

  “All right.”

  They went out for breakfast, and the rest of Saturday morning raced by in a blur of color and laughter and intimate looks, of quick pecks and long, slow kisses. They found a craft fair set up in a parking lot, where Anna had to do some fast talking to keep Gavin from buying her a black velvet portrait of Elvis to hang above the CD player in her living room.

  After lunch they went to the zoo. Anna had not been there since she was a child. She drank it in, loving it, but all the while more than aware that this might be her last day with Gavin. If not today, perhaps tomorrow.

  She didn’t mean to dwell on it. She had lived a lifetime in the past few days. The memories would warm her for years to come. She didn’t want to think about how soon it would all be over.

  But at the petting zoo, everywhere she turned she saw families. With children. Teens to toddlers to infants. It was the babies that drew her gaze again and again. Some fussing irritably, some grinning and cooing, some sleeping in their strollers or strapped to Mommy’s or Daddy’s chest or back.

  It wasn’t that Anna particularly wanted a baby. Not just any baby. But suddenly she knew she wanted Gavin’s child. A son or daughter with vivid blue eyes and a smile that would take her breath away.

  But there would be no babies for Anna. Not Gavin’s. He’d been very careful last night and this morning to use a condom. At the time she had considered it thoughtful of him, even loving. Now, with reminders everywhere around her of what she would never have, she wished with all her heart that he had been less considerate.

  “Anna?”

  Her cheeks flushed with heat. Dear heavens, she hoped he couldn’t read her thoughts. She gently eased the feeding bottle from the baby lamb’s mouth and passed the bottle to the petting zoo attendant. Everywhere she looked, there were babies, she admitted with dismay. Even if they all did have four legs and a tail.

  “Anna, is something wrong?”

  “No.” She pasted on a smile and looked up at Gavin. “Of course not. It’s a beautiful day, we’re at the zoo, and life is wonderful. What could possibly be wrong?”

  Gavin studied her face, her eyes. “I don’t know. You just looked...sad, I guess, for a minute.”

  “Not me,” she claimed.

  Claimed a little too forcefully for Gavin’s comfort. As if she was trying to convince herself. There were shadows in her eyes. She was a damn poor liar.

  “Come on.” He took her by the hand and led her from the petting zoo area out into the regular zoo. “Let’s find the monkeys.” Monkeys always made people laugh. He wanted to see Anna smile again, wanted her to forget whatever was bothering her. He wanted her focused on him.

  There it was, something he had never experienced before. Jealousy. Over something he couldn’t even name. He didn’t want Anna thinking of anything but him. Now wasn’t that a fine how-do-you-do. He felt stupid and childish, and he didn’t much like it. Trouble was, there didn’t seem to be anything he could do to make himself feel differently.

  Despite the lively antics of the monkeys, Anna grew quieter with each passing moment. But no matter how many times he asked, she continued to deny that anything was wrong.

  “Do you have a he
adache?” he asked, his concern growing.

  “No.” There came that forced smile that was starting to set his nerves on edge. “I told you, nothing’s wrong.”

  Just then a toddler a few feet away stumbled and fell, landing on his rear and letting out a loud wail. Anna jerked and reached out as if to pick the child up, but the child’s mother was right there, scooping her son up into her arms.

  Mortified that she had almost picked up another woman’s child, Anna stepped back and turned away.

  But not before Gavin finally saw and understood what was in her eyes. Yearning.

  Denial screamed in his head. He had to be wrong. She had already told him she wasn’t ready for a family. She couldn’t now suddenly be wanting...

  Oh, God, he thought.

  “Come on.” He took her by the hand again. “Let’s get out of here.”

  He had to be wrong. It was his overactive imagination, that was all. Yet during the ten-minute walk back to the car, he noticed that every time they neared a young child, Anna’s gaze would linger. Hungrily.

  This was bad. Terrible. Disastrous.

  He cleared his throat. “Is this something new for you, or do you always stare at every baby you see?”

  Her hand jerked in his. Beneath his fingers he felt her pulse leap. Before she turned her head away he saw the color that washed through her cheeks.

  His stomach clenched.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Right there in the middle of the parking lot, Gavin pulled her to a stop and placed his hand beneath her chin, tilting her face until she looked at him.

  He had known from the beginning that this woman had home and hearth and commitment written all over her. He’d known she wasn’t the type of woman he should get involved with.

  A baby, for God’s sake. He could see it plainly in her eyes now. She wanted a baby. His baby.

  A lump the size of Cleveland lodged in his throat. “What happened, Anna?” he asked gently, genuinely puzzled, fighting back the panic that threatened. “Did your biological clock suddenly decide to start ticking?”

  Irritated, with herself as well as with his question, Anna jerked her head free. Despite the heat stinging her cheeks, she managed a slight glare. “Don’t be ridiculous.” She turned and headed toward the car still several rows away.

  He caught up with her in two strides. “Don’t do this, Anna. Don’t shut me out.”

  Anna heard the plea in his voice as well as his words. She paused and turned toward him. With a hand on his chest, she looked into his blue, blue eyes and prayed she could put her own dreams aside before she ruined what little time they had left. “I would never shut you out.”

  He placed his hand over hers and pressed it harder against his heartbeat. “Then talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in that mind of yours. You’re starting to make me feel as though I’ve misled you.”

  “How could you have misled me?”

  “I don’t know, but the way you suddenly started staring at every baby within sight scares the tar out of me. You knew... Anna, you knew from the start that I wouldn’t be staying.”

  The sharp reminder that he was only temporary in her life was like a knife to her heart, all the more painful for being true. He had never misled her, had never given her any reason to think he wanted more from her than these few days. “Yes,” she whispered, “I knew.”

  Gavin felt her pain as if it were his own. It tore him up inside. “Anna, I never meant to hurt you.”

  “Shh. No.” She pressed her fingers over his lips. “You haven’t hurt me.” She had hurt herself by letting herself fall in love with a man she knew would not stay. “You’ve given me so much joy. More than I ever dreamed was possible. If I want more, that’s my problem, not yours. I will never ask for more from you than you’re willing to give.”

  Gavin lowered his forehead to rest against hers. God, what was he supposed to do? “Don’t let me hurt you, Anna. Please don’t let me hurt you.”

  Anna slipped her arms around his neck and held him close. She was the one whose entire perception of herself had just been turned upside down by the sudden realization that she wanted this man’s child and the knowledge that it could never be, yet he seemed to be hurting even more that she. How ironic. How incredibly sad. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to ruin our day.”

  Gavin pulled back and looked down at her. “It’s not ruined,” he said huskily. “Come on, let’s go home.”

  “Yes.” She looked up at him with her heart in her eyes. “Let’s.”

  It occurred to Gavin on the way home that he needed to make a stop. Of all the lousy timing. After the conversation they’d just had, how the hell was he supposed to admit he was out of condoms?

  Just do it, pal. You know you have to.

  He did know it. No matter what she thought she wanted, he could not take the chance of getting her pregnant. He would not be the one to ruin her dream of college, and he would not get married simply because he’d gotten careless with birth control.

  A few blocks from her house he pulled into a drugstore parking lot.

  She looked at him expectantly.

  Gavin took a deep breath, then swallowed. “Unless you want me to sleep in Ben’s bed again, or on the couch, I need to make a purchase.”

  Another knife to her heart, Anna thought, and this time it twisted even more cruelly. But she had gone into this with her eyes open, and she wasn’t willing to end it simply because she wanted more than he offered. She would take whatever he would give her, and be glad of it.

  “Don’t buy them on my account,” she told him quietly. “But no, I do not want either of us to sleep alone tonight.”

  He touched a thumb to the corner of her mouth. “You might not think so, but I am buying them on your account. I have to, Anna. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

  She gave him a wobbly smile. “When did you get to be so dam responsible?”

  His lips curved slightly. “For a rock-and-roll songwriter, you mean?” Then his smile died. “Don’t let me be the reason you lose your dream of college. Please don’t.”

  Heavens, she loved this man. “Go buy your condoms, Gavin. I’ll be waiting for you.”

  They spent the rest of the afternoon watching old movies on television. They sat close and held hands, with Anna’s head resting on Gavin’s shoulder, each feeling their time together slip away moment by moment.

  It was barely dark that evening when Gavin gently lifted Anna in his arms and carried her to bed. “I want you.”

  Anna clung to him and fought the urge to tell him how much she loved him. Such an admission from her would only make him feel worse. She wouldn’t do that to him. She would stick to her promise to take only what he was willing to give. When he tore open the condom wrapper a few minutes later, she knew that it was for the best.

  Then he proceeded to make her forget that she had ever wanted anything but his touch. She lost herself in the moment and gave him everything she had, everything she was. And afterward, when they both returned to earth, they started the journey again, together.

  “The sun’s coming up,” he murmured.

  “I guess,” she said, nibbling on his earlobe, “we didn’t get much sleep.”

  That fast, just a nibble on his ear, and he wanted her. Fiercely. But first he had to see into her eyes. He rolled and shifted until she was sprawled atop him and straddling his hips.

  “I guess,” she said breathlessly, “we’re not about to.”

  Gavin let out his breath. The shadows were gone. She met his gaze squarely and smiled easily, fully. Naturally.

  He smiled back and brushed a thumb over her nipple, gratified by her sharp intake of breath. “I was hoping you’d say that.” She was the most generous, giving lover he’d ever known.

  Anna kissed him. feasting on his lips. When he ran a hand down her spine and cupped the heat of her, her hands fisted in his hair. She felt his clever fingers stroke and prob
e, and her mind blanked. There was only him, only his mouth, his touch. She could barely hear the sound of harsh breathing over the thundering of her own heartbeat in her ears. Gasping for breath, she tore her mouth free.

  Gavin took instant advantage, pulling her up until the tip of her breast filled his mouth. Her cry of pleasure urged him to suck harder. She was so sweet, so responsive. And she was driving him out of his mind.

  With his hands at her waist, he lifted her until she rose above him, poised where he needed her, where he knew she needed him. “Take me, Anna. Take me.”

  Slowly, one exquisite inch at a time, she sank onto him, taking him deep inside, all the way, to the hilt. He nearly shouted at the glory of it, of feeling her surround him, seeing her above him, her wide gray eyes hot and smoky. She pulled his hands up her ribs until he cupped her breasts. Keeping her hands over his, she began to move, slowly, surely, wringing one moan after another from him as her eyes slid shut and—

  “What the hell is going on here?”

  The bubble of intimacy and passion they’d stolen for themselves burst, shattered by the voice of Ben Collins from Anna’s open bedroom door.

  Gavin’s gut clenched. Anna’s eyes went blank with shock. Gavin swore viciously and grabbed for the sheet, trying to shield her from her brother’s condemning eyes.

  Anna stared at her brother, paralyzed with horror.

  “Anna,” Ben cried. “For God’s sake!”

  With a sharp cry, she folded in on herself and fell against Gavin’s chest. “Get out,” she gasped, hunching her shoulders in mortification. “Get out!”

  Gavin wrapped her in the sheet and held her tight. “You heard her,” he snarled. “Get out.”

  “You get out,” Ben shouted. “Get out of my sister’s bed, you son of a bitch.”

  “Ben,” Anna cried, her voice muffled against Gavin’s neck. “Just get out. Get out of my bedroom!”

  “I’m not leaving you here alone with him.”