Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding

by Henry Fielding

  MRS. MODERN. Yes, my lord, I am a fatal instance of that power.

  LORD RICHLY. And the dearest, I assure you, which is some sacrifice to your vanity; and shortly I will make an offering to your revenge — the two darling passions of your sex.

  MRS. MODERN. But how is it possible for me to leave you together without the most abrupt rudeness?

  LORD RICHLY. Never regard that; as my success is sure, she will hereafter thank you for a rudeness so seasonable.

  MRS. MODERN. Mr. Bellamant too will be with her.

  LORD RICHLY. He will be as agreeably entertained with you in the next room; and, as he does not suspect the least design in me, he will be satisfied with my being in her company.

  MRS. MODERN. Sure you will not attempt his wife while he is in the house.

  LORD RICHLY. Pish! he is in that dependence on my interest, that, rather than forfeit my favour, he would be himself her pander. I have made twenty such men subscribe themselves cuckolds by the prospect of one place, which not one of them ever had.

  MRS. MODERN. So that your fools are not caught like the fish in the water by a bait, but like the dog in the water by a shadow.

  LORD RICHLY. Besides, I may possibly find a pretence of sending him away.

  MRS. MODERN. Go then to the chocolate-house, and leave a servant to bring you word of their arrival. It will be better you should come in to them than they find you here

  LORD RICHLY. I will be guided by you in all things; and be assured the consummation of my wishes shall be the success of your own. [Exit Lord Richly.

  MRS. MODERN. That they shall indeed, though in a way you little imagine. This forwardness of Mrs. Bellamant’s meets my swiftest wishes. Could I once give Bellamant reason to suspect his wife, I despair not of the happiest effect of his passion for me. — Ha! he’s here, and alone.

  SCENE III.

  MR. BELLAMANT, MRS. MODERN.

  MRS. MODERN. Where’s Mrs. Bellamant?

  MR. BELLAMANT. She will be here immediately. But I chose a few moments’ privacy with you; first to deliver you this, and next to ask you one question, which do not be startled at. Pray, how did you employ that note you received this morning?

  MRS. MODERN. Nay, if you expect an account of me, perhaps you will still do so: so let me return you this.

  MR. BELLAMANT. Do not so injuriously mistake me. Nothing but the most extraordinary reason could force me to ask you; know then that the very note you had of me this morning, I received within this hour from my wife.

  MRS. MODERN. Ha, ha, ha!

  MR. BELLAMANT. Why do you laugh, madam?

  MRS. MODERN. Out of triumph, to see what empty politicians men are found, when they oppose their weak heads to ours! On my conscience a parliament of women would be of very great service to the nation.

  MR. BELLAMANT. Were all ladies capable as Mrs. Modern, I should be very ready to vote on their side.

  MRS. MODERN. Nay, nay, sir; you must not leave out your wife, especially you that have the best wife in the world, ha, ha, ha!

  MR. BELLAMANT. Forgive me, madam, if I have been too partial to a woman whose whole business hath been to please me.

  MRS. MODERN. Oh! you have no reason to be ashamed of your good opinion; you are not singular in it, I assure you; Mrs. Bellamant will have more votes than one.

  MR. BELLAMANT. I am indifferent how many she has since I am sure she will make interest but for one.

  MRS. MODERN. “It is the curse of fools to be secure,

  And that be thine and Altamont’s.”

  Ha, ha, ha!

  MR. BELLAMANT. I cannot guess your meaning.

  MRS. MODERN. Then to introduce my explanation, the note you lent me I lost at piquet to Lord Richly.

  MR. BELLAMANT. To Lord Richly?

  MRS. MODERN. Who perhaps might dispose of it to some who might lend it to others, who might give it to those who might lose it to your wife.

  MR. BELLAMANT. I know not what to suppose.

  MRS. MODERN. Nor I; for sure one cannot suppose, especially since you have the best wife in the world; one cannot suppose that it could be a present from Lord Richly to herself; that she received it; that in return she hath sent him an assignation to meet her here.

  MR. BELLAMANT. Suppose! Hell and damnation! No.

  MRS. MODERN. But certainly one could not affirm that this is truth.

  MR. BELLAMANT. Affirm?

  MRS. MODERN. And yet all this is true; as true as she is false. Nay, you shall have an instance; an immediate, undeniable instance. You shall see it with your own eyes, and hear it with your own ears.

  MR. BELLAMANT. Am I alive?

  MRS. MODERN. If all the husbands of these best wives in the world are dead, we are a strange nation of ghosts. If you will be prudent, and be like the rest of your brethren, keep the affair secret; I assure you, I’ll never discover it.

  MR. BELLAMANT. Secret! Yes, as inward fire, till sure destruction shall attend its blaze. But why do I rage? It is impossible; she must be innocent.

  MRS. MODERN. Then Lord Richly is still a greater villain to belie that innocence to me. But give yourself no pain or anxiety, since you are so shortly to be certain. Go fetch her hither; Lord Richly will be here almost as soon as you: then feign some excuse to leave the room; I will soon follow you, and convey you where you shall have an opportunity of being a witness either to her innocence or her guilt.

  MR. BELLAMANT. This goodness, my sweetest creature, shall bind me yours for ever.

  MRS. MODEEX. To convince you that is all I desire, I am willing to leave the town and reputation at once, and retire with you wherever you please.

  MR. BELLAMANT. That must be the subject of our future thoughts. I can think of nothing now but satisfaction in this affair. [Exit.

  MRS. MODEEX. Do you demur to my offer, sir? Oh, the villain! I find I am to be only a momentary object of his looser pleasures, and his wife yet sits nearest his heart. But I shall change the angel form she wears into a devil’s — Nor shall my revenge stop there. — But at present I must resolve my temper into a calm — Lately!

  SCENE IV.

  MRS. MODEEX, LATELY.

  MRS. MODEEX. Come hither, Lately; get me some citronwater. I am horribly out of order.

  LATELY. Yes, madam.

  MRS. MODEEX. To be slighted in this manner! insupportable! — What is the fool doing?

  LATELY. There is no citron-water left. Your ladyship drank the last half-pint this morning.

  MRS. MODEEX. Then bring the cinnamon-water, or the surfeit-water, or the aniseed-water, or the plague-water, or any water.

  LATELY. Here, madam.

  [Brings the bottle and glass, and fills.

  MRS. MODEEX. [Drinks. Looks in the glass.] — Lord, how I look! — Oh? frightful — I am quite shocking.

  LATELY. In my opinion, your ladyship never looked better.

  MRS. MODERN. Go, you flatterer, I look like my Lady Grim.

  LATELY. Where are your ladyship’s little eyes, your short nose, your wan complexion, and your low forehead?

  MRS. MODERN. Which nature, in order to hide, hath carefully placed between her shoulders: so that if you view her behind, she seems to walk without her head, and lessen the miracle of St. Dennis.

  LATELY. Then her left hip is tucked up under her arm, like the hilt of a beau’s sword; and her disdainful right is never seen, like its blade.

  MRS. MODERN. Then she has two legs, one of which seems to be the dwarf of the other, and are alike in nothing but their crookedness.

  LATELY. And yet she thinks herself a beauty.

  MRS. MODERN. She is, indeed, the perfection of ugliness.

  LATELY. And a wit, I warrant you.

  MRS. MODERN. No doubt she must be very quick-sighted, for her eyes are almost crept into her brain.

  LATELY and MRS. MODERN. He, he, he!

  MRS. MODERN. And yet the detestable creature hath not had sense enough, with all her deformity, to preserve her reputation.

  LATELY. I never heard
, I own, anything against that.

  MRS. MODERN. You hear! you fool, you dunce, what should you hear? Have not all the town heard of a certain colonel?

  LATELY. Oh, lud! what a memory I have! Oh, yes, madam, she has been quite notorious. It is surprising a little discretion should not preserve her from such public —

  MRS. MODERN. If she had my discretion, or yours, Lately.

  LATELY. Your ladyship will make me proud, indeed, madam.

  MRS. MODERN. I never could see any want of sense in you,

  LATELY. I could not bear to have an insensible creature about me. I know several women of fashion I could not support for a tiring woman. What think you of Mrs. Charmer?

  LATELY. Think of her! that were I a man, she should be the last woman I attacked. I think her an ugly, ungenteel, squinting, flirting, impudent, odious, dirty puss.

  MRS. MODERN. Upon my word, Lately, you have a vast deal of wit too.

  LATELY. I am beholden for all my wit, as well as my clothes to your ladyship. I wish your ladyship wore out as much clothes as you do wit, I should soon grow rich.

  MRS. MODERN. You shall not complain of either. Oh! [Knocking.] They are come, and I will receive them in another room. [Exit.

  LATELY. I know not whether my talent of praise or of slander is of more service to me; whether I get more by flattering my lady, or abusing all her acquaintance.

  SCENE V.

  JOHN, LATELY.

  JOHN. So, Mrs. Lately, you forget your old acquaintance; but times are coming when I may be as good as another, and you may repent your inconstancy.

  LATELY. Odious fellow!

  JOHN. I would have you to know I look on myself to be as good as your new sweetheart, though he has more lace on his livery, and may be a year or two younger, and as good a man I am too; and so you may tell him. Why does not he stay at home? What does he come into our family for?

  LATELY. Who gave you authority to inquire, sirrah?

  JOHN. Marry, that did you, when you gave me a promise to marry me: well, I shall say no more; but times are coming, when you may wish you had not forsaken me. I have a secret.

  LATELY. A secret! Oh, let me hear it.

  JOHN. No, no, mistress, I shall keep my secrets as well as you can yours.

  LATELY. Nay, now you arc unkind; you know though I suffer Tom Brisk to visit me you have my heart still.

  JOHN. Ah! you do but say so! You know too well how much I love you. Then I’ll tell you, my dear; I am going to the devil for you.

  LATELY. The devil you are! Going to the devil for me! What does the fool mean?

  JOHN. Ay, I am to get a hundred pounds, that you may marry me.

  LATELY. A hundred pounds! And how are you to get a hundred pounds, my dear John?

  JOHN. Only by a little swearing.

  LATELY. What are you to swear?

  JOHN. Nay, if I tell you, it would be double perjury; for I have sworn already I would not trust it with any body.

  LATELY. Oh, but you may trust me.

  JOHN. And if you should trust somebody else.

  LATELY. The devil fetch me if I do.

  JOHN. Then my master is to give me a hundred pound to swear that he is a cuckold.

  LATELY. What’s this?

  JOHN. Why, my master has offered me a hundred pound, if I discover my lady and Mr. Bellamant in a proper manner; and, let me but see them together, I’ll swear to the manner. I warrant you.

  LATELY. But can you do this with a safe conscience?

  JOHN. Conscience, pshaw! which would you choose, a husband with a hundred pound, or a safe conscience? Come, give me a dram out of your mistress’s closet; and there I’ll tell you more.

  LATELY. Come along with me.

  SCENE VI

  Scene changes to another Apartment.

  LORD RICHLY, MR. BELLAMANT, MRS. BELLAMANT, MRS. MODERN.

  LORD RICHLY. Well, madam, you have drawn a most delightful sketch of life.

  MRS. MODERN. Then it is still life; for I dare swear there never were such people breathing.

  MRS. BELLAMANT. Don’t you believe then, madam, it is possible for a married couple to be happy in one another, without desiring any other company?

  MRS. MODERN. Indeed, I do not know what it may have been in the plains of Arcadia; but truly, in those of Great Britain, I believe not.

  LORD RICHLY. I must subscribe to that too.

  MRS. BELLAMANT. Mr. Bellamant, what say you?

  MR. BELLAMANT. Oh! my dear, I am entirely of your mind.

  LORD RICHLY. This is a miracle almost equal to the other, to see a husband and wife of the same opinion. I must be a convert too; for it would be the greatest miracle of all to find Mrs. Bellamant in the wrong.

  MRS. BELLAMANT. It would be a much greater to find want of complaisance in Lord Richly.

  MR. BELLAMANT. [Aside.] Confusion!

  MRS. MODERN. Nay, madam, this is hardly so; for I have heard his lordship say the same in your absence.

  LORD RICHLY. Dear Bellamant, I believe I have had an opportunity to serve you this afternoon. I have spoke to Lord Powerful; he says he is very willing to do for you. Sir Peter, they tell me, is given over, and I fancy you may find my lord at home now.

  MR. BELLAMANT. I shall take another opportunity, my lord, a particular affair now preventing me.

  LORD RICHLY. The loss of an hour hath been often the loss of a place; and, unless you have something of greater consequence, I must advise you as a friend.

  MR. BELLAMANT. I shall find a method of thanking you.

  [Aside.

  MRS. MODERN. Make this a handle to slip out, I’ll come into the next room to you. [Aside to Mr. Bellamant.

  MR. BELLAMANT. My lord, I am very much obliged to your friendship. My dear, I’ll call on you in my return: Mrs. Modern, I am your humble servant.

  SCENE VII.

  LORD RICHLY, MRS. BELLAMANT, MRS. MODERN.

  LORD RICHLY. I wish you success, you may command any thing in my power to forward it.

  MRS. BELLAMANT. Mr. Bellamant is more indebted to your lordship than he will be ever able to pay.

  LORD RICHLY. Mr. Bellamant, madam, has a friend, who is able to pay more obligations than I can lay on him.

  MRS. MODERN. I am forced to be guilty of a great piece of rudeness by leaving you one moment.

  LORD RICHLY. And I shall not be guilty of losing it. [Aside.

  MRS. BELLAMANT. What can this mean? — [Aside.

  SCENE VIII.

  LORD RICHLY, MRS. BELLAMANT.

  LORD RICHLY. And can you, madam, think of retiring from the general admiration of mankind?

  MRS. BELLAMANT. With pleasure, my lord, to the particular admiration of him who is to me all mankind.

  LORD RICHLY. IS it possible any man can be so happy? —

  MRS. BELLAMANT. I hope, my lord, you think Mr. Bellamant so.

  LORD RICHLY. If he be I pity him much less for his losses than I envy him the love of her in whose power it may be to redress them.

  MRS. BELLAMANT. You surprise me, my lord: in my power? Lord Richly. Yes, madam; for whatever is in the power of man is in yours: I am sure, what little assistance mine can give is readily at your devotion. My interest and fortune are all in these dear hands; in short, madam, I have languished a long time for an opportunity to tell you that I have the most violent passion for you.

  MRS. BELLAMANT. My lord, I have been unwilling to understand you; but now your expression leaves me no other doubt but whether I hate or despise you most.

  LORD RICHLY. Are these the ungrateful returns you give my love?

  MRS. BELLAMANT. Is this the friendship you have professed to Mr. Bellamant?

  LORD RICHLY. I’ll make his fortune. Let this be an instance of my future favours. [Puts a bank note in her hand; she throws it away.

  MRS. BELLAMANT. And this of my reception of them. Be assured, my lord, if you ever renew this unmannerly attack on my honour, I will be revenged; my husband shall know his obligations to you. Lord Richly. I have gone
too far to retreat, madam! if I cannot be the object of your love, let me be obliged to your prudence. How many families are supported by this method which you start at? Does not many a woman in this town drive her husband’s coach?