Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding

by Henry Fielding

  GREGORY. And the devil take me, if I am.

  HARRY. You are no physician?

  GREGORY. May I be poxed, if I am. [They beat him.] Oh! Oh! — Dear gentlemen; Oh! for Heaven’s sake; I am a physician, and an apothecary too, if you’ll have me. I had rather be any thing than be knocked o’ the head.

  JAMES. Dear sir, I am rejoiced to see you come to your senses; I ask pardon ten thousand times for what you have forced us to do.

  GREGORY. Perhaps I am deceived myself, and am a physician without knowing it. But, dear gentlemen, are you certain I’m a physician?

  JAMES. Yes, the greatest physician in the world.

  GREGORY. Indeed!

  HARRY. A physician that has cured all sorts of distempers.

  GREGORY. The devil I have!

  JAMES. That has made a woman walk about the room after she was dead six hours.

  HARRY. That set a child upon its legs immediately after it had broke ‘em.

  JAMES. That made the curate’s wife, who was dumb, talk faster than her husband.

  HARRY. Look ye, sir, you shall have content, my master will give you whatever you will demand.

  GREGORY. Shall I have whatever I will demand?

  JAMES. You may depend upon it.

  GREGORY. I am a physician, without doubt. I had forgot it, but I begin to recollect myself. — Well — and what is the distemper I am to cure?

  JAMES. My young mistress, sir, has lost her tongue.

  GREGORY. The devil take me if I have found it! — But come, gentlemen, if I must go with you, I must have a physician’s habit; for a physician can no more prescribe without a full wig than without a fee. [Exeunt.

  SCENE VI.

  DORCAS. [Sola.] I don’t remember my heart has gone so pit-a-pat with joy a long while. Revenge is surely the most delicious morsel the devil ever dropt into the mouth of a woman. And this is a revenge which costs nothing; for, alack-a-day! to plant horns upon a husband’s head is more dangerous than is imagined: — Odd! I had a narrow escape when I met with this fool; the best; of my market was over, and I began to grow almost as cheap as a cracked China-cup.

  AIR IV. Pinks and Lilies.

  A woman’s ware, like China,

  Now cheap, now dear is bought;

  When whole, though worth a guinea,

  When broke’s not worth a groat.

  A woman, at St. James’s,

  With hundreds you obtain;

  But stay ‘till lost her fame is,

  She’ll be cheap in Drury Lane.

  SCENE VII

  SIR JASPER’S House.

  SIR JASPER and JAMES.

  SIR JASPER. Where is he? Where is he?

  JAMES. Only recruiting himself after his journey. You need not be impatient, sir; for, were my young lady dead he’d bring her to life again. — He makes no more of bringing a patient to life than other physicians do of killing him.

  SIR JASPER. ‘Tis strange so great a man should have those unaccountable odd humours you mentioned.

  JAMES. ‘Tis but a good blow or two, and he comes immediately to himself. — Here he is.

  SCENE VIII.

  SIR JASPER, JAMES, GREGORY, HARRY.

  HARRY. Sir, this is the doctor.

  SIR JASPER. Dear sir, you’re the welcomest man in the world.

  GREGORY. Hippocrates says we should both be covered.

  SIR JASPER. Ha! does Hippocrates say so? In what chapter, pray?

  GREGORY. In his chapter of hats.

  SIR JASPER. Since Hippocrates says so, I shall obey him.

  GREGORY. Doctor, after having exceedingly travelled in the highway of letters —

  SIR JASPER. Doctor! pray whom do you speak to?

  GREGORY. To you, Doctor.

  SIR JASPER. Ha, ha! — I am a knight, thank the king’s grace for it! but no doctor.

  GREGORY. What, you’re no doctor? —

  SIR JASPER. No, upon my word.

  GREGORY. You’re no doctor?

  SIR JASPER. Doctor! no.

  GREGORY. There— ‘tis done. [Beats him.

  SIR JASPER. Done in the devil’s name! What’s done?

  GREGORY. Why now you’re made a doctor of physic — I am sure it’s all the degrees I ever took.

  SIR JASPER. What devil of a fellow have you brought here?

  JAMES. I told you, sir, the Doctor had strange whims with him.

  SIR JASPER. Whims, quotha! — Egad, I shall bind his physicianship over to his good behaviour, if he has any more of these whims.

  GREGORY. Sir, I ask pardon for the liberty I have taken.

  SIR JASPER. Oh! it’s very well, it’s very well for once.

  GREGORY. I am sorry for those blows —

  SIR JASPER. Nothing at all, nothing at all, sir —

  GREGORY. Which I was obliged to have the honour of laying on so thick upon you.

  SIR JASPER. Let us talk no more of ‘em, sir — My daughter, Doctor, is fallen into a very strange distemper.

  GREGORY. Sir, I am overjoyed to hear it; and I wish, with all my heart, you and your whole family had the same occasion for me, as your daughter, to show the great desire I have to serve you.

  SIR JASPER. Sir, I am obliged to you.

  GREGORY. I assure you, sir, I speak from the verv bottom of my soul.

  SIR JASPER. I do believe you, sir, from the very bottom of mine.

  GREGORY. What is your daughter’s name?

  SIR JASPER. My daughter’s name is Charlotte.

  GREGORY. Are you sure she was christened Charlotte?

  SIR JASPER. No, sir, she was christened Charlotta.

  GREGORY. Hum! I had rather she should have been christened Charlotte. Charlotte is a very good name for a patient; and let me tell you, the name is often of as much service to the patient as the physician is.

  SCENE IX.

  SIR Jasper, Gregory, Charlotte, MAID.

  SIR Jasper. Sir, my daughter’s here.

  GREGORY. Is that my patient? Upon my word she carries no distemper in her countenance — and I fancy a healthy young fellow would sit very well upon her.

  SIR JASPER. You make her smile, Doctor.

  GREGORY. So much the better; ‘Tis a very good sign when we can bring a patient to smile; it is a sign that the distemper begins to clarify, as we say. Well, child, what’s the matter with you? What’s your distemper?

  CHARLOTTE. Han, hi, hon, han.

  GREGORY. What do you say?

  CHARLOTTE. Han, hi, han, hon.

  GREGORY. What, what, what? —

  CHARLOTTE. Han, hi, hon.

  GREGORY. Han! hon! honin ha! — I don’t understand a word she says. Han! hi! hon! What the devil sort of language is this?

  SIR JASPER. Why, that’s her distemper, sir. She’s become dumb, and no one can assign the cause — and this distemper, sir, hath kept back her marriage.

  GREGORY. Kept back her marriage! Why so!

  SIR JASPER. Because her lover refuses to have her till she’s cured.

  GREGORY. O Lud! was ever such a fool, that would not have his wife dumb! — Would to Heaven my wife was dumb, I’d be far from desiring to cure her. — Does this distemper, this Han, hi, hon, oppress her very much?

  SIR JASPER. Yes, sir.

  GREGORY. So much the better. Has she any great pains?

  SIR JASPER. Very great.

  GREGORY. That’s just as I would have it. Give me your hand, child. Hum — Ha — a very dumb pulse, indeed.

  SIR JASPER. You have guessed her distemper.

  GREGORY. Ay, sir, we great physicians know a distemper immediately; I know some of the college would call this the Boree, or the Coupee, or the Sinkee, or twenty other distempers; but I give you my word, sir, your daughter is nothing more than dumb — So I’d have you be very easy; for there is nothing else the matter with her. — If she were not dumb, she would be as well as I am.

  SIR JASPER. But I should be glad to know, Doctor, from whence her dumbness proceeds?

  GREGORY. Nothing so easily accounted f
or. — Her dumbness proceeds from her having lost her speech.

  SIR JASPER. But whence, if you please, proceeds her having lost her speech?

  GREGORY. All our best authors will tell you it is the impediment of the action of the tongue.

  SIR JASPER. But if you please, dear sir your sentiments upon that impediment.

  GREGORY. Aristotle has, upon that subject, said very fine things; very fine things.

  SIR JASPER. I believe it, Doctor.

  GREGORY. Ah! he was a great man, he was, indeed a very great man. —— A man who upon that subject was a man that —— But to return to our reasoning: I hold that this impediment of the action of the tongue is caused by certain humours which our great physicians call — humours — humours — Ah! you understand Latin —

  SIR JASPER. Not in the least.

  GREGORY. What, not understand Latin?

  SIR JASPER. No, indeed, Doctor.

  GREGORY. Cabricius arci thuram cathalimus, singulariter nom. Hæc musa hic, hæc, hoc, genitivo hujus, hunc hanc musæ. Bonus, bona, bonum. Estne oratio Latinus? Etiam. Quia substantivo et adjectivum concordat in generi numerum et casus, sic dicunt, aiunt, prædicant, clamitant, et similibus.

  SIR JASPER. Ah! Why did I neglect my studies?

  HARRY. What a prodigious man is this!

  GREGORY. Besides, sir, certain spirits passing from the left side, which is the seat of the liver, to the right, which is the seat of the heart, we find the lungs, which we call in Latin, Whiskerus, having communication with the brain, which we name in Greek, Jackbootos, by means of a hollow vein, which we call in Hebrew, Periwiggus, meet in the road with the said spirits which fill the ventricles of the Omotaplasmus; and because the said humours have — you comprehend me well, sir? And because the said humours have a certain malignity — Listen seriously, I beg you.

  SIR JASPER. I do.

  GREGORY. Have a certain malignity that is caused — Be attentive, if you please.

  SIR JASPER. I am.

  GREGORY. That is caused, I say, by the acrimony of the humours engendered in the concavity of the diaphragm; thence it arises, that these vapours, Propria quæ maribus tribuuntur, mascula dicas, Ut sunt divorum, Mars, Bacchus, Apollo, virorum. — This, sir, is the cause of your daughter’s being dumb.

  HARRY. O that I had but his tongue!

  SIR JASPER. It is impossible to reason better, no doubt. But, dear sir, there is one thing —— I always thought, till now, that the heart was on the left side, and the liver on the right.

  GREGORY. Ay, sir, so they were formerly; but we have changed all that. The college at present, sir, proceeds upon an entire new method.

  SIR JASPER. I ask your pardon, sir.

  GREGORY. Oh, sir! there’s no harm — You’re not obliged to know so much as we do.

  SIR JASPER. Very true. But, Doctor, what would you have done with my daughter?

  GREGORY. What would I have done with her: Why my advice is, that you immediately put her into a bed warmed with a brass warming-pan; cause her to drink one quart of spring water, mixed with one pint of brandy, six Seville oranges, and three ounces of the best double-refined sugar.

  SIR JASPER. Why, this is punch, Doctor.

  GREGORY. Punch, sir, ay, sir — And what’s better than punch to make people talk? — Never tell me of your juleps, your gruels, your — your — this and that, and t’other, which are only parts to keep a patient in hand a long time. I love to do a business all at once.

  SIR JASPER. Doctor, I ask pardon; you shall be obeyed. [Gives money.

  GREGORY. I’ll return in the evening, and see what effect it has had on her. But hold, there’s another young lady here that I must apply some little remedies to.

  MAID. Who, me? I was never better in my life, I thank you, sir.

  GREGORY. So much the worse, madam; so much the worse. ‘Tis very dangerous to be very well — For when one is very well, one has nothing else to do but to take physic and bleed away.

  SIR JASPER. Oh, strange! What, bleed when one has no distemper?

  GREGORY. It may be strange, perhaps, but ‘Tis very wholesome. Besides, madam, it is not your case, at present, to be very well; at least you cannot possibly be well above three days longer; and it is always best to cure a distemper before you have it — or, as we say in Greek, Distemprum bestuin est curare ante habestum. — What I shall prescribe you, at present, is to take, every six hours, one of these boluses.

  MAID. Ha, ha, ha! Why, Doctor, these look exactly like lumps of loaf-sugar.

  GREGORY. Take one of these boluses, I say, every six hours, washing it down with six spoonfuls of the best Holland’s Geneva.

  SIR JASPER. Sure you are in jest, Doctor! — This wench does not show any symptom of a distemper.

  GREGORY. Sir Jasper, let me tell you, it were not amiss if you yourself took a little lenitive physic: I shall prepare something for you.

  SIR JASPER. Ha, ha, ha! No, no, Doctor, I have escaped both doctors and distempers hitherto; and I am resolved the distemper shall pay me the first visit.

  GREGORY. Say you so, sir? Why then, if I can get no more patients here, I must even seek ‘em elsewhere; and so humbly beggo te domine domitii veniam goundi foras.

  SIR JASPER. Well, this is a physician of vast capacity, but of exceeding odd humours.

  SCENE X

  The Street

  LEANDER. [SOLUS.] Ah, Charlotte! thou hast no reason to apprehend my ignorance of what thou endurest, since I can so easily guess thy torment by my own. — Oh, how much more justifiable are my fears, when you have not only the command of a parent, but the temptation of fortune to allure you!

  AIR V.

  O cursed power of gold.

  For which all honour’s sold

  And honesty’s no more!

  For thee we often find

  The great in leagues combined

  To trick and rob the poor.

  By thee the fool and knave

  Transcend the wise and brave,

  So absolute thy reign:

  Without some help of thine,

  The greatest beauties shine,

  And lovers plead in vain.

  SCENE XI.

  LEANDER, GREGORY.

  GREGORY. Upon my word, this is a good beginning; and since —

  LEANDER. I have waited for you, Doctor, a long time. I’m come to beg your assistance.

  GREGORY. Ay, you have need of assistance, indeed! What a pulse is here! What do you out o’ your bed? [Feels his pulse.

  LEANDER. Ha, ha, ha! Doctor, you’re mistaken! I am not sick, I assure you.

  GREGORY. How, sir! not sick? Do you think I don’t know when a man is sick better than he does himself?

  LEANDER. Well, if I have any distemper, it is the love of that young lady, your patient, from whom you just now come; and to whom if you can convey me, I swear, dear Doctor, I shall be effectually cured.

  GREGORY. Do you take me for a pimp, sir? a physician for a pimp?

  LEANDER. Dear sir, make no noise.

  GREGORY. Sir, I will make a noise: you’re an impertinent fellow.

  LEANDER. Softly, good sir!

  GREGORY. I shall show you, sir, that I’m not such a sort of a person; and that you are an insolent, saucy — [Leander gives a purse.] — I’m not speaking to you, sir; but there are certain impertinent fellows in the world, that take people for what they are not — which always puts me, sir, into such a passion, that —

  LEANDER. I ask pardon, sir, for the liberty I have taken.

  GREGORY. O, dear sir, no offence in the least. Pray, sir, how am I to serve you?

  LEANDER. This distemper, sir, which you are sent for to cure, is feigned. The physicians have reasoned upon it, according to custom, and have derived it from the brain, from the bowels, from the liver, lungs, lights, and every part of the body; but the true cause of it is love; and is an invention of Charlotte’s, to deliver her from a match which she dislikes.

  GREGORY. Hum! — Suppose you were to disguise yourself as an apot
hecary?

  LEANDER. I’m not very well known to her father; therefore believe I may pass upon him securely.

  GREGORY. Go then, disguise yourself immediately; I’ll wait for you here. — Ha! methinks I see a patient. [Exit Leander.