Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding

by Henry Fielding

  JAMES. Who taught you, sir, what becomes? If you trouble your head with my business, I shall thresh your jacket for you. If I once take a stick in hand, I shall teach you to hold your tongue for the future, I believe. If you offer to say another word to me, I’ll break your head for you. [Drives Clermont to the farther end of the stage.

  CLERMONT. How, rascal! break my head?

  JAMES. I did not say I’d break your head.

  [Clermont drives him back again.

  CLERMONT. Do you know, sirrah, that I shall break yours for this impudence?

  JAMES. I hope not, sir; I give you no offence, sir.

  CLERMONT. Then I shall show you the difference between us.

  JAMES. Ha, ha, ha! Sir, I was but in jest.

  CLERMONT. Then I shall warn you to forbear these jests for the future. [Kicks him off the stage.

  JAMES. Nay, sir, can’t you take a jest? Why, I was but in jest all the while.

  LOVEGOLD. How happy am I in such a clerk!

  CLERMONT. You may leave the ordering of the supper to me, sir; I will take care of that.

  LOVEGOLD. Do so; see and provide something to cloy their stomachs: let there be two great dishes of soup-meagre, a good large suet-pudding, some dainty fat pork-pie or pastry, a fine small breast of mutton, not too fat; a salad, and a dish of artichokes; which will make plenty and variety enough.

  CLERMONT. I shall take a particular care, sir, to provide everything to your satisfaction.

  LOVEGOLD. But be sure there be plenty of soup, be sure of that. This is a most excellent young fellow. But now I will go and pay a visit to my money. [Aside.

  SCENE IV

  The Street.

  RAMILIE and LAPPET meeting.

  RAMILIE. Well, madam, what success? Have I been a false prophet, and have you come at the old hunck’s purse? or have I spoke like an oracle, and is he as close-fisted as usual?

  LAPPET. Never was a person of my function so used. All my rhetoric availed nothing: while I was talking to him about the lady, he smiled and was pleased; but the moment I mentioned money to him, his countenance changed, and he understood not one word that I said. But now, Ramilie, what do you think this affair is that I am transacting?

  RAMILIE. Nay, Mrs. Lappet, now you are putting too severe a task upon me. How is it possible, in the vast variety of affairs which you honour with taking into your hands, that I should be able to guess which is so happy to employ your immediate thoughts?

  LAPPET. Let me tell you then, sweet sir, that I am transacting an affair between your master’s mistress and his father.

  RAMILIE. What affair, pr’ythee?

  LAPPET. What should it be but the old one, matrimony? In short, your master and his father are rivals.

  RAMILIE. I am glad on’t; and I wish the old gentleman success, with all my heart.

  LAPPET. How! are you your master’s enemy?

  RAMILIE. No, madam, I am so much his friend, that I had rather he should lose his mistress than his humble servant; which must be the case: for I am determined against a married family. I will never be servant to any man who is not his own master.

  LAPPET. Why truly, when one considers the case thoroughly, I must be of an opinion, that it would be more your master’s interest to be this lady’s son-in-law than her husband; for, in the first place, she has but little fortune; and, if she was once married to his son, I dare swear the old gentleman would never forgive the disappointment of his love.

  RAMILIE. And is the old gentleman in love?

  LAPPET. Oh, profoundly! delightfully! Oh that you had but seen him as I have! with his feet tottering, his eyes watering, his teeth chattering! His old trunk was shaken with a fit of love, just as if it had been a fit of an ague.

  RAMILIE. He will have more cold fits than hot, I believe.

  LAPPET. Is it not more advantageous for him to have a mother-in-law that should open his father’s heart to him, than a wife that should shut it against him? Besides, it will be the better for us all: for if the husband were as covetous as the devil, he could not stop the hands of an extravagant wife. She will always have it in her power to reward them who keep her secrets; and when the husband is old enough to be the wife’s grandfather, she has always secrets that are worth concealing, take my word for it: so, faith, I will e’en set about that in earnest which I have hitherto intended only as a jest.

  RAMILIE. But do you think you can prevail with her? Will she not be apt to think she loses that by the exchange which he cannot make her amends for?

  LAPPET. Ah! Ramilie! the difficulty is not so great to persuade a woman to follow her interest. We generally have that more at heart than you men imagine; besides, we are extremely apt to listen to one another; and whether you would lead a woman to ruin, or preserve her from it, the surest way of doing either is by one of her own sex. We are generally decoyed into the net by birds of our own feathers.

  RAMILIE. Well, if you do succeed in your undertaking, you will allow this, I hope, that I first put it into your head?

  LAPPET. Yes, it is true you did mention it first; but I thought of it first, I am sure, I must have thought of it: but I will not lose a moment’s time; for, notwithstanding all I have said, young fellows are devils. Besides, this has a most plausible tongue, and, should he get access to Mariana, may do in a few minutes what I shall never be able to undo as long as I live. [Exit.

  RAMILIE. There goes the glory of all chambermaids. The jade has art, but it is quite overshadowed by her vanity. She will get the better of every one, but the person who will condescend to praise her; for though she be a most mercenary devil, she will swallow no bribe half so eagerly as flattery. The same pride which warms her fancy, serves to cool her appetites; and therefore, though she have neither virtue nor beauty, her vanity gives her both. And this is my mistress, with a pox to her. Pray, what am I in love with? But that is a question so few lovers can answer, that I shall content myself with thinking I am in love with, Le je ne scai quoi.

  SCENE V

  LOVEGOLD’S House.

  LOVEGOLD, FREDERICK, HARRIET, MRS. WISELY, and MARIANA.

  LOVEGOLD. You see, madam, what it is to marry extremely young. Here are a couple of tall branches for you, almost the age of man and woman; but ill weeds grow apace.

  MRS. WISELY. When children come to their age, Mr. Lovegold, they are no longer any trouble to their parents; what I have always dreaded was to have married into a family where there were small children.

  LOVEGOLD. Pray give me leave, young lady, I have been told you have no great aversion to spectacles; it is not that your charms do not sufficiently strike the naked eye, or that they want addition; but it is with glasses we look at the stars, and I’ll maintain you are a star of beauty that is the finest, brightest, and most glorious of all stars.

  MARIANA. Harriet, I shall certainly burst: O nauseous, filthy fellow!

  LOVEGOLD. What does she say to you, Harriet?

  HARRIET. She says, sir, if she were a star, you should be sure of her kindest influence.

  LOVEGOLD. How can I return this great honour you do me?

  MARIANA. Auh! what an animal! what a wretch!

  LOVEGOLD. How vastly am I obliged to you for these kind sentiments!

  MARIANA. I shall never be able to hold it out, unless you keep him at a greater distance.

  LOVEGOLD. [Listening.] I shall make them both keep their distance, madam. Harkye, you, Mr. Spendall, why don’t you come and make this lady some acknowledgment for the great honour she does your father?

  FREDERICK. My father has indeed, madam, much reason to be vain of his choice. You will be doubtless a very great honour to our family. Notwithstanding which, I cannot dissemble my real sentiments so far as to counterfeit any joy I shall have in the name of son-in-law; nor can I help saying, that if it were in my power, I believe I should make no scruple of preventing the match.

  MARIANA. I believe it; indeed, were they to ask the leave of their children, few parents would marry twice.

  LOV
EGOLD. Why, you ill-bred blockhead, is that the compliment you make your mother-in-law?

  FREDERICK. Well, sir, since you will have me talk in another style — Suffer me, madam, to put myself in the place of my father; and believe me, when I swear to you I never saw any one half so charming; that I can imagine no happiness equal to that of pleasing you; that, to be called your husband, would be to my ears a title more blest, more glorious, than that of the greatest of princes. The possession of you is the most valuable gift in the power of fortune. That is the lovely mark to which all my ambition tends; there is nothing which I am not capable of undertaking to attain so great a blessing, all difficulties, when you are the prize in pursuit —

  LOVEGOLD. Hold, hold, sir: softly, if you please.

  FREDERICK. I am only saying a few civil things, sir, for you, to this lady.

  LOVEGOLD. Your humble servant, sir: I have a tongue to say civil things with myself. I have no need of such an interpreter as you are, sweet sir.

  MARIANA. If your father could not speak better for himself than his son can for him, I am afraid he would meet with little success.

  LOVEGOLD. I don’t ask you, ladies, to drink any wine before supper, lest it should spoil your stomachs.

  FREDERICK. I have taken the liberty to order some sweetmeats, sir, and tokay, in the next room; I hope the ladies will excuse what is wanting.

  MRS. WISELY. There was no necessity for such a collation.

  FREDERICK. [To Mariana.] Did you ever see, madam, so fine a brilliant as that on my father’s finger?

  MARIANA. It seems, indeed, to be a very fine one.

  FREDERICK. You cannot judge of it, madam, unless you were to see it nearer. If you will give me leave, sir.

  [Takes it off from his father’s -finger, and gives it to Mariana.] There is no seeing a jewel while it is on the finger.

  MRS. WISELY and MARIANA. It is really a prodigious fine one.

  FREDERICK [preventing Mariana, who is going to return it]. No, madam, it is already in the best hands. My father, madam, intends it as a present to you; therefore, I hope you will accept it.

  LOVEGOLD. Present! I!

  FREDERICK. Is it not, sir, your request to this lady, that she would wear this bauble for your sake?

  LOVEGOLD. [To his son.] Is the devil in you?

  FREDERICK. He makes signs to me that I would entreat you to accept it.

  MARIANA. I shall not, upon my word.

  FREDERICK. He will not receive it again.

  LOVEGOLD. I shall run stark-staring mad.

  MARIANA. I must insist on returning it.

  FREDERICK. It would be cruel in you to refuse him: let me entreat you, madam, not to shock my poor father to such a degree.

  MRS. WISELY. It is ill-breeding, child, to refuse so often.

  LOVEGOLD. Oh! that the devil would but fly away with this fellow!

  FREDERICK. See, madam, what agonies he is in, lest you should return it. — It is not my fault, dear sir; I do all I can to prevail with — but she is obstinate — For pity’s sake, madam, keep it.

  LOVEGOLD. [To his son.] Infernal villain!

  FREDERICK. My father will never forgive me, madam, unless I succeed; on my knees, I entreat you.

  LOVEGOLD. The cut-throat!

  MRS. WISELY. Daughter, I protest you make me ashamed of you; come, come, put up the ring, since Mr. Lovegold is so uneasy about it.

  MARIANA. Your commands, madam, always determine me, and I shall refuse no longer.

  LOVEGOLD. I shall be undone; I wish I was buried while I have one farthing left.

  SCENE VI.

  To them, James.

  JAMES. Sir, there is a man at the door who desires to speak with you.

  LOVEGOLD. Tell him I am busy — bid him come another time, bid him leave his business with you —

  JAMES. Must he leave the money he has brought with me, sir?

  LOVEGOLD. No, no, stay — tell him I come this instant. I ask pardon, ladies, I’ll wait on you again immediately.

  FREDERICK. Will you please, ladies, to walk into the next room, and taste the collation I was mentioning?

  MARIANA. I have eaten too much fruit already this afternoon.

  MRS. WISELY. Really, sir, this is an unnecessary trouble; but, since the tokay is provided, I will taste one glass.

  HARRIET. I’ll wait on you, madam.

  SCENE VII.

  FREDERICK, MARIANA.

  MARIANA. That is a mighty pretty picture over the door,

  HARRIET. Is it a family piece, my dear? I think it has a great deal of you in it. Are not you generally thought very like it? Heyday, where is my mamma and your sister gone?

  FREDERICK. They thought, madam, we might have some business together, and so were willing to leave us alone.

  MARIANA. Did they so? but as we happen to have no business together we may as well follow them.

  FREDERICK. When a lover has no other obstacles to surmount but those his mistress throws in his way, she is in the right not to become too easy a conquest: but, were you as kind as I could wish, my father would still prove a sufficient bar to our happiness; therefore it is a double cruelty in you.

  MARIANA. Our happiness! how came your happiness and mine to depend so on one another, pray, when that of the mother and son-in-law are usually so very opposite?

  FREDERICK. This is keeping up the play behind the curtain. Your kindness to him comes from the same spring as your cruelty to me.

  MARIANA. Modest enough! then, I suppose, you think both fictitious.

  FREDERICK. Faith, to be sincere, I do, without arrogance, I think; I have nothing in me so detestable, as should make you deaf to all I say, or blind to all I suffer. This I am certain, there is nothing in him so charming as to captivate a woman of your sense in a moment.

  MARIANA. You are mistaken, sir; money; money, the most charming of all things; money, which will say more in one moment than the most elegant lover can in years. Perhaps you will say a man is not young; I answer he is rich. He is not genteel, handsome, witty, brave, goodhumoured; but he is rich, rich, rich, rich, rich — that one word contradicts every thing you can say against him; and if you were to praise a person for a whole hour, and end with, “But he is poor,” you overthrow all you have said; for it has long been an established maxim, that he who is rich can have no vice, and he that is poor can have no virtue.

  FREDERICK. These principles are foreign to the real sentiments of Mariana’s heart. I vow, did you but know how ill a counterfeit you are, how awkwardly ill-nature sits upon you, you’d never wear it. There is not one so abandoned but that she can affect what is amiable better than you can what is odious. Nature has painted in you the complexion of virtue in such lively colours, that nothing but what is lovely can suit you, or appear your own.

  SCENE VIII.

  MARIANA, FREDERICK, HARRIET.

  HARRIET. I left your mamma, Mariana, with Mr. Clermont, who is showing her some pictures in the gallery. Well, have you told him?

  MARIANA. Told him what?

  HARRIET. Why, what you told me this afternoon; that you loved him.

  MARIANA. I tell you I loved him! — Oh! barbarous falsehood!

  FREDERICK. Did you? could you say so? Oh! repeat it to my face, and make me blessed to that degree.

  HARRIET. Repeat it to him, can’t you? How can you be so ill-natured to conceal any thing from another, which would make him happy to know?

  MARIANA. The lie would choke me, were I to say so.

  HARRIET. Indeed, my dear, you have said you hated him so often, that you need not fear that. But, if she will not discover it to you herself, take my word for it, brother, she is your own without any possibility of losing. She is full as fond of you as you are of her. I hate this peevish, foolish coyness in women, who will suffer a worthy lover to languish and despair, when they need only put themselves to the pain of telling truth to make them easy.

  MARIANA. Give me leave to tell you. Miss Harriet, this is a treatment I did not expect from you, e
specially in your own house, madam. I did not imagine I was invited hither to be betrayed, and that you had entered into a plot with your brother against my reputation.

  HARRIET. We form a plot against your reputation! I wish you could see, my dear, how prettily these airs become you. Take my word for it, you would have no reason to be in love with your fancy.

  MARIANA. I should indeed have no reason to be in love with my fancy, if it were fixed where you have insinuated it to be placed.