Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding

  LOVEGOLD. How! how! Are you sure of this?

  BAMILE. Why, sir, she and I laid the plot together; that one time, indeed, I myself was forced to deviate a little from the truth; but it was with a good design: the jade pretended to me that it was out of friendship to my master; that it was because she thought such a match would not be at all to his interest; but alas! sir, I know her friendship begins and ends at home; and that she has friendship for no person living but herself. Why, sir, do but look at Mariana, sir, and see whether you can think her such a sort of woman as she has described her to you.

  LOVEGOLD. Indeed she has appeared to me always in a different light. I do believe what you say. This jade has been bribed by my children to impose upon me. I forgive thee all that thou hast done for this one service. I will go deny all that I said to the lawyer, and put an end to everything this moment. I knew it was impossible she could be such a sort of a woman. [Exit.

  RAMILIE. And I will go find out my master, make him the happiest of mankind, squeeze his purse, and then get drunk for the honour of all party-coloured politicians.

  SCENE XL

  The Hall.

  FREDERICK, LAPPET.

  FREDERICK. Excellent Lappet! I shall never think I have sufficiently rewarded you for what you have done.

  LAPPET. I have only done half the business yet. I have, I believe, effectually broke off the match with your father. Now, sir, I shall make up the matter between you and her.

  FREDERICK. Do but that, dear girl, and I’ll coin myself into guineas.

  LAPPET. Keep yourself for your lady, sir; she will take all that sort of coin, I warrant her: as for me, I shall be much more easily contented.

  FREDERICK. But what hopes canst thou have? for I, alas! see none.

  LAPPET. Oh, sir! it is more easy to make half a dozen matches than to break one; and, to say the truth, it is an office I myself like better. There is something, methinks, so pretty in bringing young people together that are fond of one another. I protest, sir, you will be a mighty handsome couple. How fond will you be of a little girl the exact picture of her mother? and how fond will she be of a boy to put her in mind of his father?

  FREDERICK. Death! you jade, you have fired my imagination.

  LAPPET. But, methinks, I want to have the hurricane begin, hugely; I am surprised they are not together by the ears already!

  SCENE XII.

  RAMILIE, FREDERICK, LAPPET.

  RAMILIE. Oh! madam, I little expected to have found you and my master together, after what has happened; I did not think you had the assurance —

  FREDERICK. Peace, Ramilie, all is well, and Lappet is the best friend I have in the world.

  RAMILIE. Yes, sir, all is well, indeed; no thanks to her: happy is the master that has a good servant; a good servant is certainly the greatest treasure in this world; I have done your business for you, sir; I have frustrated all she has been doing, denied all she has been telling him; in short, sir, I observed her ladyship in a long conference with the old gentleman, mightily to your interest, as you may imagine. No sooner was she gone, than I steps in, and made the old gentleman believe every single syllable she had told him to be most confounded lie; and away he is gone, fully determined to put an end to the affair.

  LAPPET. And sign the contract; so, now, sir, you are ruined without reprieve.

  FREDERICK. Death and damnation! fool! villain!

  RAMILIE. Heyday! What is the meaning of this? Have I done any more than you commanded me?

  FREDERICK. Nothing but my cursed stars could have contrived so damned an accident.

  RAMILIE. You cannot blame me, sir, whatever has happened.

  FREDERICK. I don’t blame you, sir; nor myself, nor any one: Fortune has marked me out for misery. But I will be no longer idle; since I am to be ruined I will meet my destruction.

  SCENE XIII.

  LAPPET, RAMILIE.

  [They stand some time silent, looking at each other.]

  LAPPET. I give you joy, sir, of the success of your negotiation; you have approved yourself a most able person, truly: and I dare swear, when your skill is once known, will not want employment.

  RAMILIE. Do not triumph, good Mrs. Lappet; a politician may make a blunder; I am sure no one can avoid it that is employed with you; for you change sides so often, that His impossible to tell at any time which side you are on.

  LAPPET. And pray, sirrah, what was the occasion of your betraying me to your master, for he has told me all?

  RAMILIE. Conscience, conscience, Mrs. Lappet, the great guide of all my actions; I could not find in my heart to let him lose his mistress.

  LAPPET. Your master is very much obliged to you, indeed, to lose your own, in order to preserve his; for henceforth I forbid all your addresses, I disown all obligations, I revoke all promises; henceforth I would advise you never to open your lips to me, for if you do, it will be in vain;. I shall be deaf to all your little, false, mean, treacherous, base insinuations. I would have you know, sir, a woman injured as I am never can nor ought to forgive. Never see my face again.

  RAMILIE. Huh! now would some lovers think themselves very unhappy; but I, who have had experience in the sex, am never frightened at the frowns of a mistress, nor ravished with her smiles; they both naturally succeed one another; and a woman, generally, is as sure to perform what she threatens, as she is what she promises. But now I’ll to my lurking-place. I’m sure this old rogue has money hid in the garden; if I can but discover it, I shall handsomely quit all scores with the old gentleman, and make my master a sufficient return for the loss of his mistress.

  SCENE XIV

  Another Apartment.

  FREDERICK, MRS. WISELY, MARIANA.

  FREDERICK. No, madam, I have no words to upbraid you with, nor shall I attempt it.

  MRS. WISELY. I think, sir, a respect to your father should keep you now within the rules of decency; as for my daughter, after what has happened, I think she cannot expect it on any other account.

  MARIANA. Dear mamma, don’t be serious, when, I dare say, Mr. Frederick is in jest.

  FREDERICK. This exceeds all you have done; to insult the person you have made miserable, is more cruel than having made him so.

  MARIANA. Come, come, you may not be so miserable as you expect. I know the word mother-in-law has a terrible sound; but perhaps I may make a better than you imagine. Believe me, you will see a change in this house which will not be disagreeable to a man of Mr. Frederick’s gay temper.

  FREDERICK. All changes to me are henceforth equal. When fortune robbed me of you, she made her utmost effort; I now despise all in her power.

  MRS. WISELY. I must insist, sir, on your behaving in a different manner to my daughter. The world is apt to be censorious. Oh, Heavens! I shudder at the apprehensions of having a reflection cast on my family, which has hitherto passed unblemished.

  FREDERICK. I shall take care, madam, to shun any possibility of giving you such a fear; for from this night I never will behold those dear, those fatal eyes again.

  MARIANA. Nay, that I am sure will cast a reflection on me. What a person will the world think me to be, when you could not live with me?

  FREDERICK. Live with you! Oh, Mariana! those words bring back a thousand tender ideas to my mind. Oh! had that been my blest fortune!

  MRS. WISELY. Let me beg, sir, you would keep a greater distance. The young fellows of this age are so rampant, that even degrees of kindred can’t restrain them.

  FREDERICK. There are yet no such degrees between us — Oh, Mariana! while it is in your power, while the irrevocable wax remains unstamped, consider, and do not seal my ruin.

  MRS. WISELY. Come with me, daughter; you shall not stay a moment longer with him — a rude fellow.

  SCENE XV.

  RAMILIE, FREDERICK.

  RAMILIE. Follow me, sir, follow me this instant.

  FREDERICK. What’s the matter?

  RAMILIE. Follow me, sir; we are in the right box; the business is done.

  FREDERICK. W
hat done?

  RAMILIE. I have it under my arm, sir, — here it is!

  FREDERICK. What? what?

  RAMILIE. Your father’s soul, sir; his money — Follow me, sir, this moment, before we are overtaken.

  FREDERICK. Ha! this may preserve me yet.

  SCENE XVI.

  LOVEGOLD [in the utmost distraction]. Thieves! thieves! assassination! murder! I am undone! all my money is gone! Who is the thief? where is the villain? where shall I find him? Give me my money again, villain. [Catching himself by the arm.] I am distracted! I know not where I am, nor what I am, nor what I do. Oh! my money, my money! Ha! what say you? Alack-a-day! here is no one. The villain must have watched his time carefully; he must have done it while I was signing that d — n’d contract. I will go to a justice, and have all my house put to their oaths, my servants, my children, my mistress, and myself too; all the people in the house, and in the street, and in the town: I will have them all executed; I will hang all the world; and if I don’t find my money I will hang myself afterwards.

  ACT V.

  SCENE I.

  The Hall.

  SEVERAL SERVANTS.

  JAMES. There will be rare doings now; madam’s an excellent woman, faith! Things won’t go as they have done; she has ordered something like a supper; here will be victuals enough for the whole town.

  THOMAS. She’s a sweet-humoured lady, I can tell you that. I have had a very good place on’t with her. You will have no more use for locks and keys in this house now.

  JAMES. This is the luckiest day I ever saw; as soon as supper is over I will get drunk to her good health, I am resolved; and that’s more than ever I could have done before.

  THOMAS. You sha’n’t want liquor, for here are ten hogsheads of strong beer coming in.

  JAMES. Bless her heart! good lady! I wish she had a better bridegroom.

  THOMAS. Ah! never mind that, he has a good purse; and for other things, let her alone, Master James.

  WHEEDLE. Thomas, you must go to Mr. Mixture’s the wine-merchant, and order him to send in twelve dozen of his best Champagne, twelve dozen of Burgundy, and twelve dozen of Hermitage. And you must call at the waxchandler’s, and bid him send in a chest of candles; and at Mr. Lambert’s, the confectioner in Pall Mall, and order the finest dessert he can furnish; and you, Will, must go to Mr. Grey’s, the horse-jockey, and order him to buy my lady three of the finest geldings for her coach, to-morrow morning; and here, you must take this roll, and invite all the people in it to supper; then you must go to the playhouse in Drury Lane, and engage all the music, for my lady intends to have a ball.

  JAMES. O brave Mrs. Wheedle! here are fine times!

  WHEEDLE. My lady desires that supper may be kept back as much as possible; and if you can think of any thing to add to it, she desires you would.

  JAMES. She is the best of ladies.

  WHEEDLE. So you will say when you know her better: she has thought of nothing ever since matters have been made up between her and your master but how to lay out as much money as she could; we shall have all rare places.

  JAMES. I thought to have given warning to-morrow morning, but I believe I shall not be in haste now.

  WHEEDLE. See what it is to have a woman at the head of a house. But here she comes. Go you into the kitchen, and see that all things be in the nicest order.

  JAMES. I am ready to leap out of my skin for joy.

  SCENE II.

  MARIANA, WHEEDLE, UPHOLSTERER, MRS. WISELY.

  MARIANA. Wheedle, have you despatched the servants according to my orders?

  WHEEDLE. Yes, madam.

  MARIANA. You will take care, Mr. Furnish, and let me have those two beds with the utmost expedition?

  UPHOLSTERER. I shall take a particular care, madam. I shall put them both in hand to-morrow morning; I shall put off some work, madam, on that account.

  MARIANA. That tapestry in the dining-room does not at all please me.

  UPHOLSTERER. Your ladyship is very much in the right madam; it is quite out of fashion; no one hangs a room now with tapestry.

  MARIANA. Oh! I have the greatest fondness for tapestry in the world! you must positively get me some of a newer pattern.

  UPHOLSTERER. Truly, madam, as you say, tapestry is one of the prettiest sorts of furniture for a room that I know of. I believe I can show you some that will please you.

  MRS. WISELY. I protest, child, I can’t see any reason for this alteration.

  MARIANA. Dear mamma, let me have my will. There is not any one thing in the whole house that I shall be able to leave in it, every thing has so much of antiquity about it; and I cannot endure the sight of any thing that is not perfectly modern.

  UPHOLSTERER. Your ladyship is in the right, madam; there is no possibility of being in the fashion without newfurnishing a house at least once in twenty years; and indeed to be at the very top of the fashion you will have need of almost continual alterations.

  MRS. WISELY. That is an extravagance I would never submit to. I have no notion of destroying one’s goods before they are half worn out, by following the ridiculous whims of two or three people of quality.

  UPHOLSTERER. Ha! ha! madam, I believe her ladyship is of a different opinion — I have many a set of goods entirely whole, that I would be very loth to put into your hands.

  SCENE III.

  To them, Mercer, Jeweller.

  MARIANA. Oh, Mr. Sattin! have you brought those gold stuffs I ordered you?

  MERCER. Yes, madam, I have brought your ladyship some of the finest patterns that were ever made.

  MARIANA. Well. Mr. Sparkle, have you the necklace and ear-rings with you?

  JEWELLER. Yes madam; and I defy any jeweller in town to show you their equals; they are, I think, the finest water I ever saw; they are finer than the Duchess of Glitter’s, which have been so much admired. I have brought you a solitaire too, madam; my Lady Rafflerbought the fellow of it yesterday.

  MARIANA. Sure, it has a flaw in it, sir.

  JEWELLER. Has it, madam? then there never was a brilliant without one; I am sure, madam, I bought it for a good stone, and if it be not a good stone, you shall have it for nothing.

  SCENE IV.

  LOVEGOLD, MARIANA, MRS. WISELY, JEWELLER, MERCER, UPHOLSTERER.

  LOVEGOLD. It’s lost, it’s gone, it’s irrecoverable; I shall never see it more!

  MARIANA. And what will be the lowest price of the necklace and ear-rings?

  JEWELLER. If you were my sister, madam, I could not ‘bate you one farthing of three thousand guineas.

  LOVEGOLD. What do you say of three thousand guineas, villain? Have you my three thousand guineas?

  MRS. WISELY. Bless me, Mr. Lovegold! what’s the matter?

  LOVEGOLD. I am undone! I am ruined! my money is stolen! my dear three thousand guineas, that I received but yesterday, are taken away from the place I had put them in, and I never shall see them again.

  MARIANA. Don’t let them make you uneasy, you may possibly recover them; or if you should not, the loss is but a trifle.

  LOVEGOLD. How! a trifle! Do you call three thousand guineas a trifle?

  MRS. WISELY. She sees you so disturbed, that she is willing to make as light of your loss as possible, in order to comfort you.

  LOVEGOLD. To comfort me! Can she comfort me by calling three thousand guineas a trifle? But tell me what were you saying of them? Have you seen them?

  JEWELLER. Really, sir, I do not understand you. I was telling the lady the price of a necklace and a pair of earrings, which were as cheap at three thousand guineas as —

  LOVEGOLD. How? What? What?

  MARIANA. I can’t think them very cheap. However, I am resolved to have them; so let him have the money, sir, if you please.

  LOVEGOLD. I am in a dream.

  MARIANA. You will be paid immediately, sir. Well, Mr. Sattin, and pray what is the highest priced gold stuff you have brought?

  MERCER. Madam, I have one of twelve pounds a yard.

  MARIANA. It must be pr
etty at that price. Let me have a gown and petticoat cut off.

  LOVEGOLD. You shall cut off my head first. What are you doing? Are you mad?

  MARIANA. I am only preparing a proper dress to appear in as your wife.

  LOVEGOLD. Sirrah, offer to open any of your pickpocket trinkets here, and I’ll make an example of you.