MARIANA. Mr. Lovegold, give me leave to tell you this is a behaviour I don’t understand. You give me a fine pattern before marriage of the usage I am to expect after it.
LOVEGOLD. Here are fine patterns of what I am to expect after it.
MARIANA. I assure you, sir, I shall insist on all the privileges of an English wife. I shall not be taught to dress by my husband. I am myself the best judge of what you can afford: and if I do stretch your purse a little, it is for your own honour, sir. The world will know it is your wife that makes such a figure.
LOVEGOLD. Can you bear to hear this, madam?
MRS. WISELY. I should not countenance my daughter in any extravagance, sir; but the honour of my family, as well as yours, is concerned in her appearing handsomely. Let me tell you, Mr. Lovegold, the whole world is very sensible of your fondness for money. I think it a very great blessing to you that you have met with a woman of a different temper, one who will preserve your reputation in the world whether you will or no. Not that I would insinuate to you that my daughter will ever run you into unnecessary expenses; so far from it, that if you will but generously make her a present of five thousand pounds to fit herself out at first in clothes and jewels, I dare swear you will not have any other demand on those accounts — I don’t know when.
MARIANA. No, unless a birth-night suit or two, I shall scarce want any thing more this twelvemonth.
LOVEGOLD. I am undone, plundered, murdered! However, there is one comfort; I am not married yet.
MARIANA. And free to choose whether you will marry at all, or no.
MRS. WISELY. The consequence, you know, will be no more than a poor ten thousand pounds, which is all the forfeiture of the breach of contract.
LOVEGOLD. But, madam, I have one way yet. I have not bound my heirs and executors; and so if I hang myself I am off the bargain — In the meanwhile I’ll try if I cannot rid my house of this nest of thieves — Get out of my doors, you cut-purses.
JEWELLER. Pay me for my jewels, sir, or return ‘em me?
LOVEGOLD. Give him his baubles; give them him.
MARIANA. I shall not, I assure you. You need be under no apprehension, sir, you see, Mr. Lovegold is a little disordered at present; but if you will come to-morrow you shall have your money.
JEWELLER. I’ll depend on your ladyship, madam.
LOVEGOLD. Who the devil are you? What have you to do here?
UPHOLSTERER. I am an upholsterer, sir, and am come to new-furnish your house.
LOVEGOLD. Out of my doors this instant, or I will disfurnish your head for you; I’ll beat out your brains.
MRS. WISELY. Sure, sir, you are mad.
LOVEGOLD. I was when I signed the contract. Oh! that I had never learnt to write my name.
SCENE V.
CHARLES BUBBLEBOY, LOVEGOLD, MARIANA, MRS. WISELY.
CHARLES BUBBLEBOY. Your most obedient servant, madam.
LOVEGOLD. Who are you, sir? What do you want here?
CHARLES BUBBLEBOY. Sir, my name is Charles Bubbleboy.
LOVEGOLD. What’s your business?
CHARLES BUBBLEBOY. Sir, I was ordered to bring some snuff-boxes and rings. Will you please, sir, too look at that snuff-box; there is but one person in England, sir, can work in this manner. If he was but as diligent as he is able, he would get an immense estate, sir; if he had an hundred thousand hands I could keep them all employed. I have brought you a pair of the new-invented snuffers too, madam. Be pleased to look at them: they are my own invention; the nicest lady in the world may make use of them.
LOVEGOLD. Who the devil sent for you, sir?
MARIANA. I sent for him, sir.
CHARLES BUBBLEBOY. Yes, sir; I was told it was a lady sent for me: will you please, madam, to look at the snuffboxes or rings first?
LOVEGOLD. Will you please to go to the devil, sir, first, or shall I send you?
CHARLES BUBBLEBOY. Sir?
LOVEGOLD. Get you out of my house this instant, or I’ll break your snuff-boxes, and your bones too.
CHARLES BUBBLEBOY. Sir, I was sent for, or I should not have come. Charles Bubbleboy does not want custom. Madam, your most obedient servant.
SCENE VI.
MARIANA, MRS. WISELY, LOVEGOLD, WHEEDLE.
MARIANA. I suppose, sir, you expect to be finely spoken of abroad for this; you will get an excellent character in the world for this behaviour.
MRS. WISELY. Is this your gratitude to a woman who has refused so much better offers on your account?
LOVEGOLD. Oh! would she had taken them. Give me up my contract, and I will gladly resign all right and title whatsoever.
MRS. WISELY. It is too late now, the gentlemen have had their answers: a good offer, once refused, is not to be had again.
WHEEDLE. Madam, the tailor whom your ladyship sent for is come.
MARIANA. Bid him come in. This is an instance of the regard I have for you. I have sent for one of the best tailors in town to make you a new suit of clothes, that you may appear like a gentleman; for as it is for your honour that I should be well dressed, so it is for mine that you should. Come, madam, we will go in and give farther orders concerning the entertainment.
SCENE VII.
LOVEGOLD, MR. LIST.
LOVEGOLD. Oh, Lappet, Lappet! the time thou hast prophesied of is come to pass.
MR. LIST. I am your honour’s most humble servant. My name is List. I presume I am the person you sent for — the laceman will be here immediately. Will your honour be pleased to be taken measure of first, or look over the patterns? if you please, we will take measure first. I do not know, sir, who was so kind as to recommend me to you, but I believe I shall give you entire satisfaction. I may defy any tailor in England to understand the fashion better than myself; the thing is impossible, sir. I always visit France twice a year; and though I say it, that should not say it — Stand upright, if you please, sir —
LOVEGOLD. I’ll take measure of your back, sirrah — I’ll teach such pickpockets as you are to come here — Out of my doors, you villain.
MR. LIST. Heyday! sir; did you send for me for this, sir? — I shall bring you in a bill without any clothes.
SCENE VIII.
LOVEGOLD, JAMES, PORTER.
LOVEGOLD. Where are you going? — What have you there?
JAMES. Some fine wine, sir, that my lady sent for to
MR. Mixture’s. — But, sir, it will be impossible for me to get supper ready by twelve, as it is ordered, unless I have more assistance. I want half a dozen kitchens too. The very wildfowl that my lady has sent for will take up a dozen spits.
LOVEGOLD. Oh! oh, it is in vain to oppose it: her extravagance is like a violent fire, that is no sooner stopped in one place than it breaks out in another. [Drums beat without.] Ha! what is the meaning of this? Is my house besieged? Would they would set it on fire, and burn all in it.
DRUMMER. [Without.] Heavens bless your honour! Squire Lovegold, Madam Lovegold; long life and happiness, and many children attend you — and so God save the King.
[Drums beat.
[Lovegold goes out, and soon after the drums cease.
JAMES. So, he has quieted the drums, I find — This is the roguery of some well-wishing neighbours of his. Well, we shall soon see which will get the better, my master or my mistress. If my master does, away go I; if my mistress I’ll stay while there is any housekeeping, which can’t be long; for the riches of my lord mayor will never hold it out at this rate.
SCENE IX.
LOVEGOLD, JAMES.
LOVEGOLD. James! I shall be destroyed; in one week I shall not be worth a groat upon earth. Go, send all the provisions back to the tradesmen; put out all the fires; leave not so much as a candle burning.
JAMES. Sir, I don’t know how to do it: madam commanded me, and I dare not disobey her.
LOVEGOLD. How! not when I command thee?
JAMES. I have lost several places, sir, by obeying the master against the mistress, but never lost one by obeying the mistress against the master. Besides
, sir, she is so good and generous a lady, that it would go against my very heart to offend her.
LOVEGOLD. The devil take her generosity!
JAMES. And I don’t believe she has provided one morsel more than will be eat; why, sir, she has invited above five hundred people to supper; within this hour, your house will be as full as Westminster Hall the last day of term — But I have no time to lose.
LOVEGOLD. Oh! oh! What shall I do.
SCENE X.
LAPPET, LOVEGOLD.
LAPPET. Where is my poor master? Oh, sir! I cannot express the affliction I am in to see you devoured in this manner. How could you, sir, when I told you what a woman she was — how could you undo yourself with your eyes open?
LOVEGOLD. Poor Lappet! had I taken thy advice, I had been happy.
LAPPET. And I too, sir; for a-lack-a-day, I am as miserable as you are; I feel every thing for you, sir; indeed I shall break my heart upon your account.
LOVEGOLD. I shall be much obliged to you if you do, Lappet.
LAPPET. How could a man of your sense, sir, marry in so precipitate a manner?
LOVEGOLD. I am not married; I am not married.
LAPPET. Not married!
LOVEGOLD. No, no, no.
LAPPET. All’s safe yet. No man is quite undone till he is married.
LOVEGOLD. I am, I am undone. Oh, Lappet! I cannot tell it thee. I have given her a bond, a bond, a bond of ten thousand pounds to marry her.
LAPPET. You shall forfeit it —
LOVEGOLD. Forfeit what? my life and soul, and blood, and heart?
LAPPET. You shall forfeit it —
LOVEGOLD. I’ll be buried alive sooner; no, I am determined I’ll marry her first, and hang myself afterwards to save my money.
LAPPET. I see, sir, you are undone; and if you should hang yourself, I could not blame you.
LOVEGOLD. Could I but save one thousand by it, I would hang myself with all my soul. Shall I live to die not worth a groat?
LAPPET. Oh! my poor master! my poor master!
[Crying.
LOVEGOLD. Why did I not die a year ago! what a deal had I saved by dying a year ago! [A noise without.] Oh! oh! dear Lappet, see what it is; I shall be undone in an hour — Oh!
SCENE XI.
Lovegold, Clermont richly dressed.
LOVEGOLD. What is here? — Some of the people who are to eat me up?
CLERMONT. Don’t you know me, sir?
LOVEGOLD. Know you! Ha! What is the meaning of this? — Oh! it is plain, it is too plain; my money has paid for all this finery. Ah! base wretch, could I have suspected you of such an action, of lurking in my house to use me in such a manner?
CLERMONT. Sir, I come to confess the fact to you; and if you will but give me leave to reason with you, you will not find yourself so much injured as you imagine.
LOVEGOLD. Not injured! when you have stolen away my blood!
CLERMONT. Your blood is not fallen into bad hands; I am a gentleman, sir.
LOVEGOLD. Here’s impudence! a fellow robs me, and tells me he is a gentleman — Tell me who tempted you to it?
CLERMONT. Ah, sir! need I say — Love.
LOVEGOLD. Love!
CLERMONT. Yes, love, sir.
LOVEGOLD. Very pretty love, indeed; the love of my guineas.
CLERMONT. Ah, sir! think not so. Do but grant me the free possession of what I have, and, by Heaven, I’ll never ask you more.
LOVEGOLD. Oh, most unequalled impudence! was ever so modest a request!
CLERMONT. All your efforts to separate us will be vain; we have sworn never to forsake each other; and nothing but death can part us.
LOVEGOLD. I don’t question, sir, the very great affection on your side; but I believe I shall find methods to recover —
CLERMONT. By Heavens! I’ll die in defending my right: and if that were the case, think not, when I am gone, you ever could possess what you have robbed me of.
LOVEGOLD. Ha! that’s true; he may find ways to prevent the restoring it. Well, well, let me delight my eyes at least; let me see my treasure, and perhaps I may give it you; perhaps I may.
CLERMONT. Then I am blest! Well may you say treasure, for to possess that treasure is to be rich indeed.
LOVEGOLD. Yes, truly, I think three thousand pounds may be well called a treasure. — Go, go, fetch it hither; perhaps I may give it you — fetch it hither.
CLERMONT. To show you, sir, the confidence I place in you, I will fetch hither all that I love and adore. [Exit.
LOVEGOLD. Sure, never was so impudent a fellow; to confess his robbery before my face, and to desire to keep what he has stolen, as if he had a right to it.
SCENE XII.
LOVEGOLD, LAPPET.
LOVEGOLD. Oh, Lappet! what’s the matter?
LAPPET. Oh, sir! I am scarce able to tell you. It is spread about the town that you are married, and your wife’s creditors are coming in whole flocks. There is one single debt of five thousand pounds, which an attorney is without to demand.
LOVEGOLD. Oh! oh! oh! let them cut my throat.
LAPPET. Think what an escape you have had; think if you had married her —
LOVEGOLD. I am as bad as married to her.
LAPPET. It is impossible, sir; nothing can be so bad; what, you are to pay her ten thousand pounds! — Well — and ten thousand pounds are a sum — they are a sum, I own it — they are a sum; but what is such a sum, compared with such a wife? Had you married her, in one week you would have been in a prison, sir —
LOVEGOLD. If I am, I can keep my money; they can’t take that from me.
LAPPET. Why, sir, you will lose twice the value of your contract before you know how to turn yourself; and if you have no value for liberty, yet consider, sir, such is the great goodness of our laws, that a prison is one of the dearest places you can live in.
LOVEGOLD. Ten thousand pounds! — No — I’ll be hanged, I’ll be hanged.
LAPPET. Suppose, sir, it were possible, (not that I believe it is) but suppose it were possible to make her abate a little; suppose one could bring her to eight thousand —
LOVEGOLD. Eight thousand devils take her —
LAPPET. But, dear sir, consider; nay, consider immediately; for every minute you lose, you lose a sum — Let me beg you, entreat you, my dear good master, let me prevail on you not to be ruined. Be resolute, sir; consider, every guinea you give saves you a score.
LOVEGOLD. Well, if she will consent to — to — to eight hundred. But try, do, try if you can make her ‘bate any thing of that — if you can — you shall have a twentieth part of what she ‘bates for yourself.
LAPPET. Why, sir, if I could get you off at eight thousand, you ought to leap out of your skin for joy.
LOVEGOLD. Would I were out of my skin —
LAPPET. You would have more reason to wish so when you are in the hands of bailiffs for your wife’s debts —
LOVEGOLD. Why was I begotten! Why was I born! Why was I brought up! Why was I not knocked o’ th’ head, before I knew the value of money!
LAPPET. [Knocking without.] So, so, more duns, I suppose — Go but into the kitchen, sir, or the hall, and it will have a better effect on you than all I can say.
LOVEGOLD. What have I brought myself to! What shall I do! part with eight thousand pounds! Misery, destruction, beggary, prisons! But then on the other side are wife, ruin, chains, slavery, torment! I shall run distracted either way!
LAPPET. Ah! would we could once prove you so, you. old covetous good-for-nothing.
SCENE XIII.
MARIANA, LAPPET.
MARIANA. Well, what success?
LAPPET. It is impossible to tell; he is just gone into the kitchen, where if he is not frightened into our design, I shall begin to despair. They say, fear will make a coward brave; but nothing can make him generous: the very fear of losing all he is worth will scarce bring him to part with a penny.
MARIANA. And have you acquainted neither Frederick nor Harriet with my intentions?
LAPP
ET. Neither, I assure you. Ah, madam, had I not been able to have kept a secret, I had never brought about those affairs that I have. Were I not secret, lud have mercy upon many a virtuous woman’s reputation in this town.
MARIANA. And don’t you think I have kept my real intentions very secret?
LAPPET. From every one but me, I believe you have. I assure you I knew them long before you sent for me this afternoon to discover them to me.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 307