LADY RAFFLER. You would make another sort of a beast of him.
MRS. RAFFLER. I don’t tell you that. But if I should he had better be so than suspect it; his horns would hurt him less on his forehead than in his eyes.
LADY RAFFLER. I wonder you can talk such stuff to me, I can’t bear to hear it; the very name of whore makes me swoon; if any set of words could ever raise the devil, that single one would do more than all.
MRS. RAFFLER. Dear sister, don’t be so outrageously virtuous.
LADY RAFFLER. It would be well for you if the colonel had a little of Sir Simon’s temper. I can’t help telling you there are some actions of your life which I am far from approving.
MRS. RAEFLEE. Come, don’t be censorious. I never refused giving my husband an account of any of my actions, when he desired it; and that is more than you can say.
LADY RAFFLER. My actions give an account of themselves; I am not afraid of the world’s looking into ‘em.
MRS. RAFFLER. Take my word for it, child, pure nature won’t do, the world will easily see your faults, but your virtues must be shown artfully, or they will not be discovered. Art goes beyond nature; and a woman who has only virtue in her face will pass much better through the world than she who has it only in her heart.
LADY RAFFLER. I don’t know what you mean, madam. I am sure my conduct has been always careful of appearances; but as for the suspicions of my husband, I despise; and neither can nor will give myself any trouble about ‘em.
MRS. RAFFLER. Soh! here he comes, and I suppose we shall have the usual dialogue.
Enter SIR SIMON RAFFLER.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Your servant, ladies! why, you are at home early to-day. What, could you find no diversions in town? is there no opera-rehearsal, no auctions, no mall?
LADY RAFFLER. No, none; besides, my sister had a mind to be at home.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. You need not have said that, my dear, I should not have suspected you.
LADY RAFFLER. I think I seldom give you reason of suspecting my fondness for my own house.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. No, nor of anything else. I am not jealous of you, my dear.
LADY RAFFLER. It would give me no uneasiness if you was.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. I am not jealous even of Captain Spark —
LADY RAFFLER. Captain Spark! who is he?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Though he is a very pretty gentleman, and is very agreeable company.
LADY RAFFLER. I long to see him mightily. Won’t you invite him hither, my dear?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Why should I invite him, when you can meet him at an auction as well? — Besides, it seems he is not proper company for me, or you would not have shuffled him away yesterday when I came. You need not have taken such care to hide him, I should not have been jealous of him, my dear.
MRS. RAFFLER. This must be some strange chimera of his own: no such person was with us. [Aside.
LADY RAFFLER. No, my dear, I know you would not, though he is a very pretty fellow.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. The devil take all such pretty fellows! with all my heart and soul. [Aside.
LADY RAFFLER. Don’t you know, sister, he is the most witty, most entertaining creature in the world?
MRS. RAFFLER. Think whom so?
LADY RAFFLER. Oh, the captain, — captain, — what’s his name?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Captain Spark, madam. I’ll assist you.
LADY RAFFLER. Ay, Captain Spark.
MRS. RAFFLER. I know no Captain Spark, nor was any such person with us yesterday.
LADY RAFFLER. Don’t believe her, my dear.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. No, my dear, I shall not, I assure you. But do you think this right, my dear?
LADY RAFFLER. What right?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Why, being particular with an idle, rake-helly young fellow.
LADY RAFFLER. Sir Simon, I shall not have my company prescribed to me by any one. I will keep what company I please, I shall answer to the world for my actions.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Yes, madam, I am to answer to the world for your actions too — I am most concerned to see that you act right, since I must bear the greater part of the shame if you don’t.
LADY RAFFLER. Sir, this is a usage I can’t bear, nor I won’t bear. Trouble not me with your base, groundless suspicions: I believe the whole world is sensible how unworthy you are of a woman of my virtue; but, henceforth, whenever any of these chimeras are raised in your head, I shall leave you to lay them at your leisure. [Exit.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Is not this intolerable? is not this insufferable? this is the comfortable state that a man is wished joy of by his friends; and yet no man wishes a man joy of being condemned, or of getting the plague. But when a man is married, “Give you joy, sir,” cries one fool; “I wish you joy,” says another, and thus the wretch is ushered into the galleys with the same triumph as he could be exalted with to the empire of the Great Mogul.
MRS. RAFFLER. You yourself make it so, brother; if you had less jealousy in your temper, or Lady Raffler more complaisance, you might be very happy — You torment yourself with groundless fears, and she depends on her own innocence, and will not quiet them. This was the case just now: for whatever put this Captain Spark into your head, I will take my oath she spoke to no such man at the auction.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. You are a trusty confidante, I find — but I had it from his own mouth.
MRS. RAFFLER. What had you from his own mouth?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. What! why, that my wife was a tall woman.
MRS. RAFFLER. Ha, ha, ha! a very good reason to be jealous, indeed.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Yes, madam, and that she was a fair woman.
MRS. RAFELEE. Well, and — Ha, ha, ha!
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Lookye, sister, if he had told me this at first, I should not have regarded it; but I pumpt it out of him. He is a very close fellow, and proper to be trusted with a secret, I can tell you; for he told me just the contrary; but truth will out, sister; besides, did you not hear my wife confess it?
MRS. RAFFLER. That was only in revenge, to plague you.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. A very charitable good sort of lady, truly.
MRS. RAFFLER. I wish she was of my temper, brother, and would give you satisfaction in every thing — For my part, I own, if I was your wife, your jealousy would give me no pain, and I should take a pleasure in quieting it: I should never be uneasy at your inquiring into any of my actions — I should rather take it for a proof of your love, and be the fonder of you for it.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Yes, madam, but I do not desire my wife should be like you, neither.
MRS. RAFFLER. Why so, brother? what do you dislike in me?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Truly, madam, that rendezvous of fellows you continually keep at your house, and which, if your husband was of my mind —
MRS. RAFELEE. He would be jealous of, I suppose?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Particularly that tall fellow, who breakfasts here, dines here, sups here, and I believe lies here, or will lie here very shortly.
MRS. RAFFLER. Hold, brother, I desire you would not grow scurrilous: no wonder my sister can’t bear with this cursed temper of yours.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. What can a married woman mean by an intimacy with any other but her husband?
MRS. RAFFLER. What’s that to you, brother? who made you the inquisitor of my actions? Do you think to call me to an account, as you do your wife? Oh! if I was married to such a jealous — If I did not give him enough of his jealousy in one week, if I did not make him heartily weary on’t —
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Oh rare! this is the woman that would take a pleasure in satisfying her husband’s doubts.
MRS. RAFFLER. Lookye, Sir Simon, your temper is so intolerable, that you are the by-word of every one; the whole town compassionates my sister’s case, and if I was she, if a virtuous woman could not content you, you should have your content another way — If you would have an account of every thing I did, I would do something worth giving you an account of.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. I believe it, I easily believe it. It is very plain who is my wife’s counsellor — But I shall take care to get some better advice; for I will not be a cuckold if I can help it, madam.
Enter CLARINDA.
CLARINDA. There’s my poor Lady Raffler within in the most terrible way — She has taken a whole bottle of hartshorn to keep up her spirits. It has thrown me into the vapours to see her in such a condition, and she won’t tell me what’s the matter with her.
MRS. RAFFLER. Can you have lived a fortnight in the house, and want to know it? Sir Simon has abused her in the most barbarous manner. You are a wicked man.
CLARINDA. I am sure she is one of the best women in the world.
MRS. RAFFLER. Any one but a brute might be happy with such a wife.
CLARINDA. He that can’t, I am sure can be happy with no woman.
MRS. RAFFLER. Oh that I had but a jealous husband for one month!
CLARINDA. Heaven forbid I should ever have one.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. So the enemy is reinforced, and bravery can hold out no longer.
CLARINDA. Dear uncle, you shall go and comfort her and ask her pardon.
MRS. RAFFLER. She is too good if she forgives such base suspicions.
CLARINDA. I am sure she never gave you any reason for them. I don’t believe she would do any thing to bring her conduct into question for the world.
MRS. RAFFLER. She is too cautious. If I was in her case, I’d make the house too hot for him.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. So it is already. Who’s there? bring my chariot this instant, or if that be not ready, get me a chair, get me any thing that will convey me away.
Enter SERVANT.
SERVANT. Madam, Mr. Gaylove desires to know if you are at home.
MRS. RAFFLER. Yes, I shall be glad to see him.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Heaven be praised, my wife is not in a condition to see company. [Exit.
MRS. RAFFLER. Here’s a picture of matrimony for you, dear Clarinda: what say you now to a coach and six, with such a husband?
CLARINDA. That I had rather walk on foot all the days of my life.
MRS. RAFFLER. What difference is there between Mr. Gaylove’s temper, and your uncle’s! how happy would a woman be with him!
CLARINDA. I am not sure of that — Men often appear before marriage different creatures from what they are after it — Besides, there is something in him so — something so — In short, something in him I don’t like, and of all women in the world I shall never envy Mrs. Gaylove.
MRS. RAFFLER. That’s a lie, I am sure. [Aside.] Nay, the man is agreeable enough, he is genteel.
CLARINDA. I don’t think so.
MRS. RAFFLER. He has a great deal of wit.
CLARINDA. Then he has wisdom enough to keep it to himself.
MRS. RAFFLER. And the best-natured creature in the world.
CLARINDA. It is very good-natured in you to think him so.
MRS. RAFFLER. Ha, ha, ha! Indeed and so it would. For I have been only telling you the opinion of the world. In my own, he has none of these qualities: and I wonder how the world came ever to give them to him.
CLARINDA. So do I, if he does not deserve them; for the world seldom errs on that side the question.
MRS.RAFFLER. And yet it does in him. For to me he is the most disagreeable creature on earth.
CLARINDA. Well, I cannot be of your opinion — there is somewhat in his countenance, when he smiles, so extremely good-humoured; I love dearly to see him smile, and you know he’s always a smiling — and his eyes laugh so comically, and have so much sweetness in them. Then he is the most entertaining creature upon earth, and I have heard some very good-natured actions of his too. The world, I dare swear, does not think one whit better of him than he deserves.
MRS. RAFFLER. Oh, say you so, madam?
Enter MR. GAYLOVE and MR. MONDISH.
Oh! here he is — Are you there too?
MR. GAYLOVE. Ladies, your servant — To find Mrs. Raffler at home, and without company at this high visiting season, is so surprising —
MRS. RAFFLER. Lard, I suppose you think us like those country ladies you have lately conversed with, who never owe a visit at the week’s end to any of their husbands’ tenants’ wives — Do you think we have nothing else to do in this sweet town, but to ride about the streets to see if the knockers of the people’s doors are fast? — Indeed you have here and there a country-gentlewoman (her husband being sent up to parliament for the sake of his country, and the destruction of his family) who drives regularly round the town to see the streets, and her acquaintance and relations, that she may know when she may be sure of meeting some one to curtsy to at the drawing-room. And once a week very charitably gives her horses rest at the expense of her wax candles; when she sits in her own dining-room, chair-woman of a committee of fools, to criticise on fashions, and register the weather.
MR. GAYLOVE. But, I think, it is a pity so good a custom is left off; if it were only for the better propagation of scandal.
MRS. RAFFLER. What signifies scandal, when no one is ashamed of doing what they have a mind to?
MR. GAYLOVE. Yes, there is some pleasure in spreading it, when it is not true. For though no one is ashamed of doing what they have a mind to, they may be ashamed of being supposed to do what they have no mind to.
MRS. RAFFLER. I know very few people who are ashamed of any thing.
MR. MONDISH. I believe, madam, none of your acquaintance have any reason for that passion.
MRS. RAFFLER. Are you sure of that?
MR. MONDISH. None who have at present that honour at least — For I have that good opinion of you, that such a discovery would soon banish them from it.
MRS. RAFFLER. That, I believe, you have seen a very late instance of.
CLARINDA. Well, since you are so solicitous about the song, if you will go with me to the spinnet, you shall hear it. My playing, madam, I am sure, is not worth your hearing. But since this creature will not let me be at quiet —
MRS. RAFFLER. Lard, child, I believe you do not want so much entreaty. I think one can never be at quiet for you, and your music.
CLARINDA. Madam, I ask your pardon. Come, Mr. Gaylove. [Exeunt.
MR. MONDISH. I received a letter from you this morning, madam, but of a nature so different from some I have had from you, that I could wish your hand had been counterfeited.
MRS. RAFFLER. To save you the trouble of a long speech, I sent you a letter, and the last I ever intend to send you; since I find it has not the effect I desired, which was to prevent my ever seeing your face again.
MR. MONDISH. So cruel a banishment, so sudden, and so unexpected, ought surely to have some reasons given for it.
MRS. RAFFLER. Ask your own heart, that can suggest ‘em to you.
MR. MONDISH. My heart is conscious of no other than what is too often a reason to your sex for exercising all manner of tyranny over us: too much fondness —
MRS. RAFFLER. Fondness! impudence! to pretend fondness to a woman, after a week’s neglect — Did I not meet you at an assembly, where you made me a bow as distant as if we had been scarce acquainted, or rather, as if we were weary of our acquaintance?
MR. MONDISH. Was not that hundred-eyed monster of jealousy, Sir Simon, with you? Do you object my care of your reputation to want of fondness?
MRS. RAFFLER. The old excuse for indifference. I wonder men have not contrived to make it scandalous for their wives to be seen with ‘em, that they might have an excuse to them too. ‘Tis likely indeed that you should have more care of my reputation than I myself. It was not the jealousy of my husband, but my rival you was aware of; and yet you was not so tender of her reputation but that I discovered her.
MR. MONDISH. Excellent justice! for since I am to be punished for your falsehood, it is but just I should be convicted of it. My sweet! what would I give to believe what you are endeavouring to persuade me! — Come, I will assist you with all my force of credulity; for was your opinion of my falsehoo
d real, I would give you such convincing proofs to the contrary — But your love to another is no more a secret to me than it is that I owe to that your slights, your letter, and your cruel, unjust accusation.
MRS. RAFFLER. Insupportable insolence! A husband may plead a title to be jealous; our love is his due — but a wretch who owes his happiness to our free gift —
MR. MONDISH. Faith, I think otherwise. Love to a husband is a tradesman’s debt, the law gives him the security of your person for it; but love to a gallant is a debt of honour, which every gentlewoman is obliged to pay — It would be a treasure indeed finely bestowed on such a husband as yours.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 323