MRS. RAFFLER. I am henceforth resolved to give it to no other. I am so much obliged to his good opinion, I should hate myself if I did not try to deserve it — and by thinking me honest, he shall keep me so.
MR. MONDISH. He must know less than I who is so imposed on. But you shall not keep my rival a secret from me, be assured you shall not — I’ll haunt you with that constant assiduity, you shall not speak to a man without my knowledge — You shall find that the jealousy of twenty husbands is not equal to that of one abused gallant.
MRS. RAFFLER. Villain! was it not you that ruined me, that deceived me, that robbed me of my virtue?
MR. MONDISH. How have I robbed you? How deceived you? Have I not paid you the price of your virtue, eternal constancy? Have I not met your passion still with fresh desires? Has not each stolen meeting been a scene of joy, which eager bridegrooms might envy? What have I done to disoblige you; or what has another done to oblige you more? Have I been outbid in fondness? Has some fresh lover burnt with warmer passion? Has some beau dressed himself into your heart, or some wit talked himself into it? Be generous, and confess what has ruined me in that dear bosom, and do not cruelly throw it on a poor harmless husband.
MRS. RAFFLER. Good manners should oblige you to mention him with more civility to me.
MR. MONDISH. And after what has passed between us, I think you should mention him to me with less. Besides, I think you have sometimes been of my opinion.
MRS. RAFFLER. Women, you know, are subject to change, and I may think better of him, as well as worse of you.
MR. MONDISH. This is trifling with my passion, the cruellest insult you can put upon it. But I will find out my rival, and will be revenged.
MRS. RAFFLER. Revenged! — Ha! ha!
Enter COLONEL RAFFLER.
MR. MONDISH. Death and torments!
COLONEL RAFFLER. Heyday! What, are they acting a tragedy?
MRS. RAFFLER. And how will you be revenged, sweet sir, if you should find him out — or why should you desire it? The man acts like a ‘man, and does by you as you have done by another.
MR. MONDISH. This usage would justify any thing. My own honour secures me, madam.
MRS. RAFFLER. I hope you would not tell my husband — but he would not believe it if you did.
MR. MONDISH. Harkye, madam, the town will —
COLONEL RAFFLER. Hold, hold, I must interpose — If you will quarrel, let it be at a distance — What will I not believe? I’ll tell you what I believe; that you are in the wrong.
MRS. RAFFLER. Ay, ay, you will take his part, to be sure.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Mr. Mondish is a friend of mine, and it is strange that you are eternally quarrelling with all my friends.
MRS. RAFFLER. I desire then, sir, you would keep your friends to yourself, for I shall not endure their impertinence; so I’ll leave you together — But I must tell your friend one thing before I go, that I desire I may never see his face again — [Exit.
COLONEL RAFFLER. All this a man must bear that is married.
MR. MONDISH. Ay, and a great deal more than this too.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Why, it is true — and yet have a good wife — I have the best wife in the world, but women have humours.
MR. MONDISH. Pox take their humours! let their husbands bear ‘em. Must we pay the price of another’s folly? — In short, Colonel, I am the most unfit person in the world for that gentle office you have assigned me, of entertaining your lady in your absence. Besides, I’ll tell you a secret — It is impossible to be very intimate and well with a woman, without making love to her.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Well; and why don’t you make love to her? Ha, ha! make love to her, indeed! she’d love you I believe, she’d give you enough of making love.
MR. MONDISH. Why, do you think no one has made love to her, then?
COLONEL RAFFLER. I think nothing; I am sure no one ever has, for I am sure if they had she would have told me. Perhaps that’s a secret you don’t know, that she never kept one secret from me in her life. I am certain, if it were possible for her to make me a cuckold, she would tell me on’t; and it is an excellent thing to have such a security that one is not one — dear Mondish do — make love to my wife, I beseech you.
MR. MONDISH. Excuse me, dear Colonel — but I’ll do as well, I’ll recommend one to you that shall.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Ay, who is he?
MR. MONDISH. What think you of Mr. Gaylove? Besides, I believe it will please your lady better.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Ha, ha, ha! I could die of laughing; ha, ha, ha! this is the man now that knows the world, and mankind, and womankind. You have happened to name the very man whom she detests of all men breathing. She told me so this very morning.
MR. MONDISH. Then I am satisfied. Damnation and hell! Now can I scarce forbear telling this fellow he is a cuckold to his face— ‘sdeath I have hit of a way. [Aside.] Harkye, Colonel, you have put a very pleasant conceit into my head. I think I have heard you say that you have great pleasure in seeing the disdain your lady shows to all mankind — Now I have the same pleasure — suppose therefore it was possible to work up Gaylove to make his addresses to her, and you and I could convey ourselves where we might see her treat him as he deserves.
COLONEL RAFFLER. I like it vastly: how I shall hug myself all the while. I know exactly how she will behave to him. I shall certainly die with pleasure; let me tell you, my dear sir, let me tell you, there is a great deal of pride in having a virtuous wife.
MR. MONDISH. If brilliants were not scarce they would not be valuable: and virtue in a wife perhaps may be valued for the same reason.
COLONEL RAFFLER. But do you think he can be brought to it?
MR. MONDISH. I warrant him, he has vanity enough to be easily persuaded that a woman may be fond of him, and gallantry enough not to let her fondness be thrown away.
COLONEL RAFFLER. I am charmed with the contrivance. But he must never know that I knew any thing of the matter. I sha’n’t know how to behave to him if he should.
MR. MONDISH. You may learn from half your acquaintance. How many husbands do we see caressing men, whose intrigues with their wives they must be blinder than darkness itself not to see! It is a civil communicative age we live in,
COLONEL. And it is no more a breach of friendship to make use of your wife than of your chariot.
COLONEL RAFFLER. It is a devilish cuckolding age, that’s the truth on’t, and, Heaven be praised, I am out of fashion.
MR. MONDISH. Ay, there’s the glory —— wealth, power, every thing is known by comparison — were all women virtuous, you would not taste half of your blessing. The joy, the pride, the triumph, is to see
The ills a neighbour in a wife endures,
And have a wife as good and chaste as yours.
ACT III.
SCENE I.
A Street.
MR. MONDISH, MR. GAYLOVE.
MR. GAYLOVE. And art thou really in earnest? and art thou perfectly sure she has this passion for me?
MR. MONDISH. Thou art blind thyself, or thou must have discovered it; all her looks, words, actions, betray it.
MR. GAYLOVE. Thou art a nice observer, George, and perhaps in this case, your own passion may heighten your suspicion. I know thy temper is inclined to jealousy.
MR. MONDISH. Ear from it; I never doubt the affections of a woman while she is kind, nor ever think any more of ‘em when she grows otherwise. Women undoubtedly are blessings to us, if we do not ourselves make ‘em otherwise. I have just love enough to assist ‘em in giving me pleasure, but not to put it in their power to give me pain; and I could with as much ease see thee in the arms of Mrs. Raffler, as of any woman in town.
MR. GAYLOVE. Wouldst thou? she’s young, handsome, and witty, and faith! I could almost as soon wish myself there. ‘Tis true, I have an honourable engagement; but a man’s having settled his whole estate should not prevent his being charitable, George.
MR. MONDISH. Especially when what he bestows does not hurt his estate.
MR. MONDISH. I think I am acting a very good-natured part too; a man is obliged in honour to provide for a cast mistress, but I do more, I provide for a mistress who has cast me off.
MR. GAYLOVE. I begin to suspect thou hast some design of making me an instrument in your reconciliation; I don’t see how my addresses can be of any use to you; but if they can, they are at your service.
MR. MONDISH. I thank you with all my heart; they serve me at least, so far, as to discover whether you are my innocent rival, or whether I am to seek for him elsewhere: besides, if you are really the person, and don’t care to be charitable, as you call it, by playing Captain Spark with her, you may pique her back again to me.
MR. GAYLOVE. Ha, ha, ha!
MR. MONDISH. Pry’thee, what dost thou laugh at?
MR. GAYLOVE. To see so cool a lover as thou art, who cares for a woman no longer than she is kind, take such pains to get her again, after she has jilted you.
MR. MONDISH. Pshaw! that — I well —
MR. GAYLOVE. Ha, ha ha!
MR. MONDISH. You are merry, sir, — But I would not have you think that I have any love for her — She has hurt my pride; ‘Tis that, and not my love that I want to cure — Damn her! if I had her but in my power; could I but triumph over her, I should have the end of my desires; and then, if her husband, or the town, or the devil had her, it would give me no pain.
MR. GAYLOVE. I dare swear thou wilt use thy power very gently. I shall sup there this evening, and if I have an opportunity with her, I’ll do thee all the service I can, though I can’t promise to behave exactly up to the character of Captain Spark, if she should be very kind.
MR. MONDISH. Well, make use of your victory as you please.
MR. GAYLOVE. But methinks you take a preposterous way. Would it not be better to alarm her with another mistress?
MR. MONDISH. That, perhaps, I intend too.
MR. GAYLOVE. I have overstayed my time with you, — besides, I see one coming for whose company I have no great relish —— So your servant. [Exit.
MR. MONDISH. Whom? O, Sir Simon! I’ll avoid him too.
Enter SIR SIMON RAFFLER.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Mr. Mondish, Mr. Mondish — is there any thing frightful in me, that you run away from me? I fancy my horns are out, and people think I shall butt at ‘em — As for that handsome gentleman, who sneaked off so prettily, I shall not go after him; and I wish I may have seen the last of him, with all my heart — Is he an acquaintance of yours, pray? for I saw you speak to him.
MR. MONDISH. Ay, Sir Simon.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. I am sorry for it; I am sorry you keep such company.
MR. MONDISH. How so, Sir Simon? he’s a man of honour, I hope.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Oh, a man of very nice honour, I dare answer for him, and one who lies with every man’s wife he comes near.
MR. MONDISH. Indeed I fear he has been guilty of some small offences that way.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Small offences! and yet to break open a house, or rob on the highway are great offences. A man that robs me of five shillings is a rogue, and to be hanged; but he that robs me of my wife is a fine gentleman, and a man of honour.
MR. MONDISH. The laws should be severer on these occasions.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. The laws should give us more power over our wives. If a man was to carry his treasure about openly among thieves, I believe the laws would be very little security to him.
MR. MONDISH. And as to prevent robbing, they have put down all night-houses, and other places of rendezvous; so to prevent cuckoldom we should put down all assemblies, balls, operas, plays, — in short, all the public places.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Ay, ay, public places, as they call ‘em, are intended only to give people an opportunity of getting acquainted, and appointing to meet in private places.
MR. MONDISH. An assembly, Sir Simon, is an exchange for cuckoldom, where the traders meet, and make their bargains, and then adjourn to a private room to sign and seal.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Mr. Mondish, I know you are my friend, there has been a long acquaintance and friendship between our families, I shall tell you, therefore, what I would not tell any other living. I have not the least jealousy in my temper, but I have a wife that would make the devil jealous — Oh, here comes the man I have been looking after.
MR. MONDISH. Sir Simon, your humble servant.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Nay, but stay a moment.
MR. MONDISH. I have business of consequence, and can’t possibly — Your humble servant. [Exit.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Well, your servant.
Enter CAPTAIN SPARK.
What in the name of mischief is he reading? A letter from my wife, I suppose.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Sir, your most humble servant — I think I had the honour of seeing you at my cousin Mondish’s this morning.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Yes, sir, — and I should be glad to have the honour of seeing you hanged this afternoon. [Aside.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Pray, sir, what’s o’clock? because I have an engagement at six.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Oh, sir, it wants considerably of that; but perhaps your engagement is with a lady, and that makes the time longer.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Why, faith! to be sincere with you, it is; but I beg you would not mention that to any body; though, if you should, as long as you don’t know her name, there’s no reputation hurt.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. I suppose, Captain, it is she whom you met at the auction.
CAPTAIN SPARK. How the devil came you to guess that?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Well, but I have guessed right?
CAPTAIN SPARK. I am not obliged to tell — but this I will tell you, sir, you have a very good knack at guessing. And yet I will show you her Christian name, and lay you a wager you don’t find out her surname.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Anne, the devil! It is not my wife’s hand, but it is her name.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Hold, sir, that is not fair.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Let me but see the two first letters of her surname.
CAPTAIN SPARK. To oblige you, you shall — but if you should guess afterwards, you are a man of honour.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Sir, I am satisfied — I am the happiest man in the world — dear Captain, I give you ten thousand thanks. You have quieted my curiosity. I thought, by your description this morning, you had meant another lady.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Whom did you think?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Really I thought the lady’s name was Raffler whom you described.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Mrs. Raffler, indeed — ha, ha!
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Why, do you know Mrs. Raffler?
CAPTAIN SPARK. Know her, ay, who the devil does not know her?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. What, what, what do you know of her?
CAPTAIN SPARK. Pugh, know of her! ha, ha! Lard help you, know of her indeed — and with a grave face, as if you had never heard any thing of us two.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. My brother is an arrant downright cuckold. I never was better pleased with any news in my life.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Is she a relation of yours, that you are so anxious?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. No, sir, no; no relation of mine, upon my honour. I have some acquaintance with a lady of her name, one Lady Raffler.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Ay, that’s a good one too.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. What, do you know my Lady Raffler?
CAPTAIN SPARK. Yes, I think I do. Ha, ha, ha! — faith, I remember that woman, a very fine woman; nay, she’s well enough still, I can’t help saying I like her better than her sister.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. I suppose you have had them both.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Who, I? ha, ha, ha! no, no, neither of ‘em; you are the most suspicious person, though I believe the world has talked pretty freely. But, ha, ha! the world, you know, is a censo
rious world, and yet, pox take the women! they owe more discoveries to their own imprudence. I never had a woman fond of me in my life that was able to conceal it; if I had had her, it might have been a secret for me.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Well, sir, it is no secret, I assure you — (ten thousand devils take ‘em both!) — [Aside.
CAPTAIN SPARK. I defy any one to say he ever heard me brag of my amours, and yet I have had a few.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 324