SIR SIMON RAFFLER. And you have had Lady Raffler then?
CAPTAIN SPARK. No, that’s too much to own.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Not at all; no one is ashamed to own their amours now — fine gentlemen talk of women of quality in the same manner as of their laundresses. Besides, it is known already, you may own it, especially to me; for it shall go no farther, I assure you.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Well then, in confidence that you are a man of honour, I will own it to you; yes, yes, I have, I have had her.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Would the devil had had you! Now if I had the spirit of a worm, I would beat this fellow to death; but I think I have spirit enough to beat my wife. She shall pay for all; and that immediately. Your servant.
CAPTAIN SPARK. I hope you won’t discover a word, since I place such confidence in you.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Never fear me, sir — I am much beholden to your confidence, I am very much beholden to you. Cuckolds! horns! daggers! fire and furies! — [Exit.
CAPTAIN SPARK. The gentleman seems in a passion. Now don’t I know what in the world to do with myself — hum, hum, I hear Clarinda’s in town, I’ll go try if I can’t find her out. If I follow her but one fortnight here, the world will give me her for ever. [Exit.
Scene changes to SIR SIMON RAFFLER’S House.
Enter MR. GAYLOVE, CLARINDA.
CLARINDA. And so you have told Captain Spark I am in town; I am very much obliged to you.
MR. GAYLOVE. It shows you, at least, I am not of Sir Simon’s temper, not inclined to jealousy.
CLARINDA. No, people are never jealous of what’s indifferent to them.
MR. GAYLOVE. Faith, I have no notion of being so at all; for if there can be no jealousy without fondness, I am sure I could never be fond of any woman who would give me reason to be jealous.
CLARINDA. Yes, but some men are jealous without reason.
MR. GAYLOVE. And some men are fond without any reason. The lover who can be the one, gives you shrewd cause of suspicion that he may afterwards prove the other.
CLARINDA. Well, then, I think I may suspect you will one day or other prove the most jealous husband in the universe.
MR. GAYLOVE. I’ll suffer you to speak what you don’t think of yourself, since you just now spoke what you don’t think of me; at least, what, if I was assured you did think of me, I should be the most miserable creature breathing.
CLARINDA. Hum, that may be my case too, I’m afraid.
[Aside.
MR. GAYLOVE. I hope my actions hitherto have convinced you of the contrary; but if they have not, I desire no greater happiness than to complete your conviction by an undeniable one — nor do I see any reason, if indifference be not on your side, why you any longer deny the opportunity of giving it you.
CLARINDA. I see you have a mind to divert yourself.
MR. GAYLOVE. Oh, Clarinda! Diversion is too poor a word for my desires, they aim at such a height of happiness, such transcendent joys, yet none but what this dear breast should be a partaker of.
Enter LADY RAFFLER., and MRS. RAFFLER.
LADY RAFFLER. Heyday! what, are you at romps, good people? I desire none of these games may be carried on in my house — If you have been bred up in the country to suffer these indecent familiarities, I desire you would leave ‘em off, now you are under my roof.
MR. GAYLOVE. I hope, madam, I shall under no roof offer any thing which this lady may not justifiably suffer.
LADY RAFFLER. Give me leave, sir, to be judge what she ought to suffer. There’s no good ever comes of romping and palming: I never gave my hand to any man without a glove — except Sir Simon.
MRS. RAFFLER. I wonder, Gaylove, how you can bear girls’ company. Your wit is thrown away upon ‘em; but all you creatures are so fond of green fruit.
MR. GAYLOVE. So, I think she has given me my cue.
[Aside.
CLARINDA. Lard, madam, I know some girls are as good company as any women in England.
MRS. RAFFLER. Indeed, Mrs. Pert, are you attempting to show your wit?
MR. GAYLOVE. She shows her bravery, madam, in attacking the very woman of her sex that has the most.
MRS. RAFFLER. I fancy, then, she has more bravery than you have, sir.
MR. GAYLOVE. Gad, I am afraid so too. [Aside.
MRS. RAFFLER. Fie, fie, that a man, celebrated for his wit, should put his wit to a girl.
CLARINDA. I am no such girl, madam; I don’t see why a man should not put his wit to a girl as well as to any one; as contemptuously as you speak of girls, I have known some girls that have wit enough to be too hard for most men.
MRS. RAFFLER. Upon my word, madam, you seem to come on finely; I don’t know but you may be a very good match for him.
LADY RAFFLER. Upon my word, if I mistake not, you come both very finely on — (Well, the forwardness of some women!) — [Aside.
MRS. RAFFLER. Lookye, sir, I am too generous to insult a man who already appears to have been vanquished; but if you dare meet me another time this will give you instructions where I am to be found. [Aside. Giving Mm a letter.
CLARINDA. I am astonished at her impudence! — I can’t bear it, to take him away from me before my face — I hate him too. He might be rude to her; he must be sure it would have pleased me.
LADY RAFFLER. I desire the conversation may be more general — here’s such whispering! Sister, I am surprised at you. This particularity with a young fellow is very indecent.
Enter SIR SIMON RAFFLER.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Your servant, ladies, your very humble servant. What, but one poor gentleman amongst you all? And he too of our own family, for I think he does us the honour of making this house his own.
MR. GAYLOVE. I have indeed, sir, lately done myself that honour.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Oh, sir, you are too obliging — you are too complaisant indeed — yon misplace the obligation. We are infinitely beholden to you, that you will take up with such entertainment as this poor house can afford — And I assure you you are very welcome to every thing in it — Every thing.
MR. GAYLOVE. Sir, I know not how to return this favour; but I assure you there is that in it that will make me the happiest of mankind.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. That’s my wife, I suppose — I shall have him ask her of me in a very little time; and he is a very civil fellow if he does — for most of the rascals about this town take our wives without asking us.
LADY RAFFLER. I hope, my dear, you are in a better humour than when you went out to-day.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Oh, my dear, I am in a pure good humour: I am quite satisfied in my mind.
Enter SERVANT. Whispers MR. GAYLOVE.
MR. GAYLOVE. Mr. Mondish, say you?
SERVANT. Yes, sir.
MRS. RAFFLER. Mr. Gaylove, you sup here, I hope?
MR. GAYLOVE. There’s no fear, madam, of my failing so agreeable an engagement. [Exit.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Yes, my dear, I am so happy, so easy, so satisfied, the colonel himself does not go beyond me. I have not the least doubt or jealousy, and if I was to see you and your sister in two hackney-coaches with each a young fellow, I should think no more harm than I do now.
LADY RAFFLER. Indeed, my dear, I shall never give you the trial.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Indeed I believe thee, my dear; thou art too prudent.
LADY RAFFLER. How happy shall I be if this change in your temper continues! But, pray what has wrought it so suddenly?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. What satisfies every reasonable man — I am convinced, I have found it out.
LADY RAFFLER. What, my dear?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Why, my dear, that I am a very honest, sober, fashionable gentleman, very fit to have a handsome wife, and to keep civil company. And that you are a very fine, fashionable, good-humoured lady, fit to be married to a good honest husband, and mighty proper for any company whatsoever.
MRS. RAFFLER. This begins to have an ill aspect.
LADY RAFFLER. I don’t understand you.
SIR S
IMON RAFFLER. Nor Captain Spark neither, I dare swear.
LADY RAFFLER. What do you tell me of Captain Spark for?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. You don’t know him, I warrant you.
LADY RAFFLER. Perhaps I do; what then?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Nay, it is but grateful in you not to deny your acquaintance with a gentleman who is so fond of owning an acquaintance with you.
LADY RAFFLER. I hope I am acquainted with no gentleman who is ashamed of owning it.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Lookye, madam, he has told me all that ever passed between you.
LADY RAFFLER. Indeed! then he has a much better memory than I have, for he has told you more than I remember.
MRS. RAFFLER. Brother, this is some cursed suspicion of yours; she has no such acquaintance, I am confident; if she had, I must have known it.
LADY RAFFLER. There is no occasion for your denying it, sister; I think Captain Spark a very civil, well-behaved man, and I shall converse with him, in spite of any jealous husband in England. (Though I never saw this fellow in my life, I am resolved not to deny his acquaintance, were I to be hanged for it.) — [Aside.
CLARINDA. If all persons have my opinion of him, I think there is not more innocent company upon earth.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Oh, ho, you are acquainted with him too, and I dare swear, if I had asked him, he has had you too.
MRS. RAFFLER. In short, Sir Simon, you are a monster, to abuse the best of wives thus! the town shall ring of you for it.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. And Westminster Hall shall ring too, take my word for it.
Enter COLONEL RAFFLER.
COLONEL RAFFLER. How now? What’s the matter?
MRS. RAFFLER. The matter! the matter, my dear, is that Sir Simon is a brute, and has abused my poor sister for her intimacy with a man whom she never saw.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Nor you never saw neither!
MRS. RAFFLER. Never to my knowledge, as I hope to be saved.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. You never saw Captain Spark?
MRS. RAFFLER. No, never.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Who gives you an authority to inquire, pray?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. The care of your honour, sir, — nay, don’t look stern at me, sir, for we are both —
COLONEL RAFFLER. What? what are we both?
SIR Simon Raffler. Captain Spark’s very humble servants — a couple of useful persons which no fine gentleman should be without.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Who is this Captain Spark, sister? do you know him?
LADY RAFFLER. Lookye, brother, since you ask me, I will do that to satisfy you which he never should have extorted from me. Upon my honour I do not know him.
MRS. RAFFLER. Nor I, upon mine.
COLONEL RAFFLER. NOW are not you ashamed of yourself? Can you ever look the world in the face again, if this were known in it? If you was not my own brother, I should know how to deal with you, fcr your suspicions of my wife. However, I insist on it, you immediately ask her pardon, and if you have any honour, you will do the same to your own.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. I ask their pardon.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Ay, are you not fully convinced of being in the wrong? Have they not both solemnly attested that they know no such person?
Enter SERVANT.
SERVANT. Ladies, Captain Spark’s below.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Who? who? who? [Very eagerly.
SERVANT. Captain Spark.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Tol, lol, lol; brother, your servant — Ladies, your servant —— I ask pardon, I ask a thousand pardons — tol, lol, lol; I believe I am at this moment the merriest cuckold in the universe.
CLARINDA. Pray desire the captain to walk in.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Now, brother, I am a jealous-pated fool; I suppose I am in the wrong, I am convicted; they don’t know him. If a woman was to tell me the sun shone at noon-day, I would not believe it.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Well, here’s a gentleman come to wait upon my niece, and what of that?
Enter CAPTAIN SPARK.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. ‘Tis he, ‘Tis he! tol, lol, lol.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Miss Clarinda, your most obedient servant. Ladies, your most humble servant. — Oh, sir, I did not expect to meet you here.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. No, I believe you did not. [Aside.
CAPTAIN SPARK. If I had known you had been in town sooner, madam, I should have done myself the honour before.
CLARINDA. And now, perhaps, this visit is not to me, but to the ladies.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Really, madam, these ladies I have not the honour to be acquainted with.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Oh, your servant, brother, I ask your pardon — who is convicted now?
LADY RAFFLER. Unless at an auction, captain; I have seen you there.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Madam, you do me too much honour; yes, madam, I have indeed had the happiness — though the devil take me if I know when or where.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Oh, I thought they would know one another by and by.
LADY RAFFLER. I think you laid out a great deal o’ money that morning, captain — You bid for almost every thing.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Yes, madam, I am a pretty good customer to ‘em generally. Either I have a damned short memory, or this lady wants a good one.
MRS. RAFFLER. I think, captain, I ought to be affronted you don’t remember me too, for I was at the same place with my sister.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Madam, I ask ten thousand pardons. Your most obedient servant, madam. Harkye, sir, will you be so good as to tell me what these ladies’ names are, for I have positively forgot.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. I am surprised at that, sir; why, sir, that is my good lady, my Lady Raffler — for your favours to whom, I am very much obliged to you; and the other sir, is Mrs. Raffler, wife to that gentleman, who is as much obliged to you for your civilities to her.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Soh, I’m in a fine way, faith — Oh, curse on my lying tongue! If I get well out of this amour, I will never have another as long as I live.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Lookye, sir, as for me, I’m an honest, sober citizen, and shall take my revenge another way; but my brother here is a fighting man, and will return your favour as fighting men generally do return favours, by cutting your throat. Harkye, brother, you don’t deserve it of me, yet I must let you know that this gentleman assured me to-day that he had done you the favour with your wife.
MRS. RAFFLER. With me!
COLONEL RAFFLER. What favour?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. The favour, the only favour which fine gentlemen do such sort of people as us; but be not dejected, brother, I am your fellow-sufferer, he has had my wife too, he confessed it to my face.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Not I, upon my soul, sir — a likely thing I should say that I had an amour with a woman that I never saw before, to my knowledge!
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. And have you the assurance to deny to my face —
CAPTAIN SPARK. I think, sir, your assurance is greater, to assert a thing to my face which I never said! I never named either of the ladies in my life.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. What, sir! did you not mention Mrs. Raffler’s name?
CAPTAIN SPARK. Mrs. Raffler! Oh, then it is out — What a confusion had the mistake of a name like to have occasioned! Ladies, I am under the greatest concern that I should be even the innocent occasion of the least uneasiness to you. But I believe, sir, I shall end yours, when I have put myself to the blush, by confessing that it was only a Dutch lady of pleasure, whom I knew in Amsterdam, that caused your jealousy.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. What! and did not you name my Lady Raffler too?
CAPTAIN SPARK. Yes, sometimes she is called Mrs. Raffler, and sometimes my Lady Raffler.
COLONEL RAFFLER. An impudent jade! ha, ha, ha! Ay, it’s common enough with ‘em to have several names and titles — Come, come, brother, all you have to do is to ask pardon of the gentleman and your wife and mine — Are not you asham’d to put all the company into this confusion, because there is a woman of the town who wears the same name with your own wife?
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br /> SIR SIMON RAFFLER. A man has some reason for confusion, though, let me tell you, when a gentleman who does not know him tells him to his face that he has lain with a woman who wears the same name with his wife. And I think he may be excused if he thinks she wears the same clothes too.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Sir, I am very sorry any thing of this nature should happen.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 325