Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding

by Henry Fielding

  CAPTAIN SPARK. Oh, sir, things of this nature are so usual with me, I beg no apology.

  SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Please Heaven! I’ll make a voyage to Holland, and search all the bawdy-houses in Amsterdam but I will find out whether there be such a woman or no.

  COLONEL RAFFLER. Come, brother, ask the gentleman’s pardon — I am ashamed of you.

  SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Well, sir, (I don’t know how to do it,) if I have injured you, I ask your pardon; and yet I can’t help thinking still, it was my Lady Raffler you mentioned, and I believe you spoke truth too.

  CAPTAIN SPARK. Sir, I can easily forgive you suspecting me to be the happiest person upon earth; if you have this lady’s pardon, you have mine.

  SIR SIMON RAFFLER. What, is the rascal making love to her before my face? But I won’t give him an opportunity of cutting my throat before her; for I would not willingly give her so much pleasure.

  CLARINDA. I believe, madam, the captain will make a fourth at quadrille.

  CAPTAIN SPARK. You honour me too much, madam; but if you will bear with a very bad player —

  LADY RAFFLER. Though I hate cards, I will play with him, if it be only to torment my husband.

  MRS. RAFFLER. This is opportune enough — I will set ‘em together, and shall soon get some one to hold my cards, while I go to a better appointment. Come, if you will follow me, I’ll conduct you to the cards. [Exeunt.

  Manent SIR SIMON RAFFLER and COLONEL RAFFLER.

  SIR SIMON RAFFLER. This is mighty pretty, mighty fine, truly. This is a rare country, and a rare age we live in, where a man is obliged to put his horns in his pocket, whether he will or no.

  COLONEL RAFFLER. Fie upon you, brother, fie upon you! For you, who have one of the most virtuous women in the world to your wife, to be thus tormenting yourself and her, your friends and every one, with those groundless suspicions, such unheard-of jealousies!

  SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Sir, you injure me, if you call me jealous; I have not a grain of jealousy within me. I am not indeed so foolishly blind as you are.

  COLONEL RAFFLER. And you injure me, if you think I am not jealous: I am all over jealousy, and if there was but the least occasion to show it —

  SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Occasion! why is not your wife at this very instant at cards with a young fellow?

  COLONEL RAFFLER. Well sir, and is not your wife with her?

  SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Sore against my will, I assure you — what, I suppose you are one of those wise men who think one woman is a guard upon another — Now, it is my opinion, that a plurality of women only tend to the making a plurality of cuckolds. Thieves, indeed, discover one another, because the discoverer often saves his life by it; but women do not save their reputation after the same manner, and therefore every woman keeps her neighbours’ secret, in order to have her own kept.

  COLONEL RAFFLER. Pshaw, sir! I don’t rely upon this, nor that, nor t’other, I rely upon my wife’s virtue.

  SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Why truly, sir, that is not relying upon this, nor that, nor t’other, for it is relying upon nothing at all.

  COLONEL RAFFLER. How, sir, don’t you think my wife virtuous? — Now, sir, to show you to your confusion, what an excellent creature this is: I gave her leave once to go to a masquerade, and followed her thither myself, where, though I knew her dress, I did not find her, — and where do you think she was? where do you think this good creature was? but at supper in private with the poor female relation of hers, who keeps a milliner’s shop at St. James’s.

  SIR SIMON RAFFLER. O lud! O lud! O lud! — and are you, brother, really wise enough to think she was there? Or if she was there, do you think she was alone with this poor female relation? who is a relation of mine too, I thank Heaven, and is, I dare swear, as useful a woman as any in the parish of St. James’s.

  COLONEL RAFFLER. Brother, you are — !

  SIR SIMON RAFFLER. What am I, brother?

  COLONEL RAFFLER. I can bear this no longer. You are — I need not tell you, you know what you are —

  SIR SIMON RAFFLER. And I know what you are too, you are a cuckold, and so am I, I dare swear. Notwithstanding this evasion of the captain’s, however, it shall not rest so — If I am what I think, I will make an ample discovery of it; though if I was to find them in one another’s arms, the poor husband would always be found in the wrong.

  ACT IV.

  SCENE I.

  SIR SIMON RAFFLER’S House.

  MR. MONDISH, COLONEL RAFFLER.

  COLONEL RAFFLER. Ha, ha, ha! This is excellent, this is delightful; and so the poor dog fell into the trap at once, and is absolutely persuaded my wife is fond of him.

  MR. MONDISH. That he is, I’ll be answerable for him.

  COLONEL RAFFLER. How purely she’ll use him, I would not be in his coat for a considerable sum; my only fear is that she’ll do him a mischief — Lord! Lord! how far the vanity of young men will carry them. Methinks, too, he is not acting the handsomest part by me all this while, I think I ought to cut his throat seriously.

  MR. MONDISH. Oh, fie, Colonel, don’t think of any thing of that nature; you know we have drawn him into it, and really Mrs. Raffler is so fine a woman, that such a temptation is not easily resisted.

  COLONEL RAFFLER. That’s true, that’s true, she is a fine woman, a very fine woman, I am not a little vain of her.

  MR. MONDISH. And so chaste, so constant, and so virtuous a woman, Colonel.

  COLONEL RAFFLER. They are blessings, indeed, very great blessings! I beg this thing may be kept a severe secret. For I should never be able to look her in the face again, if she should discover it; she would never forgive me.

  MR. MONDISH. For my own sake, Colonel, you may depend upon my keeping it a secret. [Looks on his watch.]

  Ay, it is now the hour of appointment, so, if you will, we will go round the other way to the closet.

  COLONEL RAFFLER. With all my heart; I can’t help hugging myself with the thought.

  MR. MONDISH. You will see more people hugged beside yourself, I believe. This is not the most generous action that I am about, but she has piqued my pride, and whatever be the consequence, I am resolved to be revenged of her.

  [Exeunt.

  Scene changes to another Apartment in SIR SIMON RAFFLER’S House.

  Enter MR. GAYLOVE.

  MR. GAYLOVE. How happy would some men think themselves to have so agreeable an engagement upon their hands! but the deuce take me if I have any great stomach to it; and considering I have another mistress in the house, I think it is bravely done. Yet I could not find in my heart to refuse the invitation. Well, what pleasure women find in denying I can’t imagine; for the devil take me if ever I could deny a fine woman in my life.

  Enter MRS. RAFFLER.

  Oh, here she comes; now hang me if I know what to say. Whether I shall address her at a distance, or boldly fall on at once.

  MRS. RAFFLER. So, sir, you are punctual to the appointment.

  MR. GAYLOVE. Faith, madam, I have a strange oddity in my temper that inclines me to be extremely eager after happiness.

  MRS. RAFFLER. If you had proposed any such happiness in my conversation, I believe you know you might have had it oftener.

  MR. GAYLOVE. You wrong me, if you impute my fear of disobliging you to want of passion. By those dear eyes, by that dear hand, and all those thousand joys which you can bestow —

  MRS. RAFFLER. Hold, sir, what do you mean? I am afraid you think otherwise of this assignation than it was meant.

  MR. GAYLOVE. I think nothing, but that I am the happiest of my sex, and you the most charming and best-natured of yours.

  MRS. RAFFLER. Come, sir, this is no way of showing your wit. I invited you to make a trial of that which is seldom shown in compliments; those are foreign to our purpose.

  MR. GAYLOVE. I think so too, and therefore without any further compliment, my dear lovely angel —

  MRS. RAFFLER. Lud, what do you mean?

  MR. GAYLOVE. I mean, madam, to take immediate possession of all the raptu
res which this lovely person can give me.

  MRS. RAFFLER. O Heavens! you will not make any bad use of the confidence I have reposed in you; if you offer any thing rude, I will never trust myself along with you again.

  MR. GAYLOVE. Then I must make the best of this opportunity.

  MRS. RAFFLER. I’ll die before I’ll consent. I’ll —

  MR. GAYLOVE. I must trust to your good nature.

  Lady Raffler at the door.

  LADY RAFFLER. Sister, sister! what, have you locked yourself in?

  MRS. RAFFLER. Let me go. — Oh, my dear, is it you? I have ordered this vile lock to be mended — the bolt is so apt to fall down of its own accord. — Is your pool out?

  LADY RAFFLER. No, sister, no; I came to see what was the matter with you — I was afraid you was ill, that you left us — But I see you have company with you.

  MRS. RAFFLER. I was just coming back to you, but —

  MR. GAYLOVE. I cannot be of opinion that that is an original picture of Hannibal Carraccio. I ask pardon for differing from you — Oh, is your ladyship there? pray, which opinion are you of?

  LADY RAFFLER. Don’t apply to me, sir; I am no judge of pictures.

  MR. GAYLOVE. Most gracious connoisseurs are shy of owning their skill; but if your ladyship pleases to observe, there is not that boldness. There is, indeed, a great deal of the master — and I never saw more spirit in a copy — But alas, there is so much difference between a copy and an original, — I hope your ladyship will excuse the freedom I take.

  LADY RAFFLER. My sister will excuse your freedom, and that is full as well.

  MRS. RAFFLER. Come, my dear, will you return to the card-table?

  LADY RAFFLER. I wish this gentleman — would be so kind to hold my cards a few minutes, I have a word or two to speak with you.

  MR. GAYLOVE. You will have a bad deputy, madam, but I will do the best I can. [Exit.

  LADY RAFFLER. Sister, I am ashamed of you, to be locked up alone with a young fellow.

  MRS. RAFFLER. Lard, child, can I help it, if the bolt falls down of its own accord?

  LADY RAFFLER. But you was not looking at pictures before I came into the room; I saw you closer together, I saw you in his arms, and heard you cry out — This I’ll swear —

  MRS. RAFFLER. Well, and can I help this? — I own he was a little frolicsome, and offered to kiss me, that’s all.

  LADY RAFFLER. All! monstrous! that’s all! if an odious fellow was to offer to kiss me, I’d tear his eyes out.

  MRS. RAFFLER. Yes, and so would I, if it was an odious fellow.

  LADY RAFFLER. The honour of a woman is a very nice thing, and the least breath sullies it.

  MRS. RAFFLER. So it seems, indeed, if it be to be hurt by a kiss.

  LADY RAFFLER. The man to whom you give that, will venture to take more.

  MRS. RAFFLER. Well, and it’s time enough to cry out, you know, when he does venture to take more.

  LADY Raffler. I don’t like jesting with serious things.

  MRS. RAFFLER. What, is a kiss a serious thing, then? now, on my conscience, you are fonder of it than I am. I believe, my dear, you are very confident I could do nothing contrary to the rules of honour; but I hate being solicitous about trifles.

  LADY RAFFLER. Sister, it behoves a garrison to take care of its out-works: for my part, I am resolved to stand buff at the first entrance; nor will I ever give an inch of ground to an assailant. And let me tell you that the woman and the soldier, who do not defend the first pass, will never defend the last.

  MRS. RAFFLER. Well, well, good dear, military sister, pray defend yourself, and do not come to my assistance till you are called. I thank Heaven, I have no such governor as yours: I should fancy myself besieged indeed, had I a continual alarm ringing in my ears. — I have taken a strict resolution to be virtuous, as long as my husband thinks me so. It is a complaisance I owe to his opinion; but you may value yourself upon your virtue as much as you please. Sir Simon every day tells you, you have none; and how can she be a good wife who is continually giving the lie to her husband?

  LADY RAFFLER. Why will you thus rally on a subject I think so serious?

  MRS. RAFFLER. And why will you be so serious on a subject I think so ridiculous? — but if you don’t like my raillery, let us go back to our cards, and that will stop both our mouths.

  LADY RAFFLER. I wish any odious fellow durst kiss me! [Exeunt.

  Enter COLONEL RAFFLER, MR. MONDISH.

  COLONEL RAFFLER. NOW, Mr. Mondish, now; what think you now? am I not the happiest man in the world in a wife?

  MR. MONDISH. Ay, faith are you; so happy, that was I possessed of the same talent for happiness, I would marry to-morrow.

  COLONEL RAFFLER. Why, why don’t you, you will have just such a wife as mine, to be sure; oh, they are very plenty — ay, ay, very plenty: you can’t miss of just such another: they grow in every garden about town.

  MR. MONDISH. I believe they grow in most houses about town.

  COLONEL RAFFLER. Oh — ay, ay, ay, — here was one here just now; my Lady Raffler is just such another, a damned, infamous, suspicious prude, every whit as bad as her husband. If you had not held me, Mondish, I am afraid I could scarce have kept my hands off from her. — But hold, hold; there is one thing which shall go down in my pocketbook— “I have taken a strict resolution to be virtuous as long as my husband thinks me so.” — Then thou shalt be virtuous till doomsday, my sweet angel — here is a woman for you — who puts her virtue into her husband’s keeping — Oh, Mondish! if that Lady Raffler had not come in —

  MR. MONDISH. Ay, if she had not come in, Colonel —

  COLONEL RAFFLER. She would have handled him, we should have seen him handled, we should have seen handling; Mondish, we should have seen handling.

  MR. MONDISH. Indeed, I believe we should. Deuce take the interruption. [Aside.

  COLONEL RAFFLER. But, what an age do we live in, though, sincerely, Mr. Mondish! why, we shall have our wives ravished shortly in the middle of the streets: an impudent, saucy rascal; and when she told him that she would cry out —

  MR. MONDISH. That he should not believe her — But then her art, Colonel, in giving in to his evasion about the pictures — Methinks, there was something so generous in her sudden forgiveness; something so nobly serene, in her resolving herself so soon from a most abandoned fright into a perfect tranquillity.

  COLONEL RAFFLER. Ay, now, that is your highest sort of virtue, that is as high as virtue can go.

  MR. MONDISH. Why should not calm virtue be admired in a woman, as well as calm courage in a general, Colonel? Your lady is a perfect heroine, she laid about her most furiously during the attack: but the moment the foe retired, became all gentle and mild again.

  COLONEL RAFFLER. But come, as all things are safe, we will go, my dear Mondish, and drink my wife’s health in one bottle of Burgundy — Ah, she’s an excellent woman! [Exeunt.

  Enter SIR SIMON RAFFLER with a letter.

  SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Here it is — the plot is so well laid now, that unless fortune conspire with a thousand devils against me, I shall discover myself to be a rank cuckold. Have I not watched her with as much care as ever miser did his gold? and yet I am, I am an arrant, downright — a — as any little sneaking courtier or subaltern officer in the kingdom; and what an unhappy rascal am I, that have not been able to find it out — not to convict her fairly in ten long years marriage! — If I could but discover it, it were some satisfaction — Well, this letter will I send to Captain Spark — no hand was ever better counterfeited — if he had never so many quires of her writing, he will not be able to find any difference. If after all this I should not discover her, I must be the most miserable dog that ever wore horns. [Exit.

  Enter LADY RAFFLER and CLARINDA.

  LADY RAFFLER. I tell you, niece, you have suffered too great freedoms from Mr. Gaylove, I can’t bear those monstrous indecorums which the young women of this age give in to: the first time a woman’s hand should be touched is in the churc
h.

  CLARINDA. Lud, madam, I can’t conceive any harm in letting any one touch my hand.

  LADY RAFFLER. Yes, madam, but I can. Besides, I think I caught you in one another’s arms. I hope you conceive some harm in that.

  CLARINDA. I can confide in Mr. Gaylove’s honour, and if his passion hurried him —

  LADY RAFFLER. His passion! what passion? he has never declared any honourable passion for you to your uncle.

  CLARINDA. No, I should have hated him if he had.

  LADY RAFFLER. Give me leave to tell you, miss, that is the proper way of applying to you. Then, if his circumstances were found convenient, Sir Simon would have mentioned it to you; and so it would have come properly. A woman of my prudence and decency gives her consent to her relations, not to her husband. For it should be still supposed that you endure matrimony to be dutiful to them only. I hope you would not appear to have any fondness for a fellow.