Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding

by Henry Fielding

  If then, my Scholar, thou shouldst happen to be placed in a Window near some lovely Girl, who, fired with the Glories of the young Conqueror, should enquire into all his matchless Labours, his Wound at Dettingen; his Danger and Intrepidity at Fontenoy; his Toils at home, in defiance of Cold and Fatigue; his Pursuit to Carlisle; his Victory at Culloden; and many more which will then be as well known; repeat all if thou canst, and if thy Memory fails, go on nevertheless: for Invention cannot here outdo the Reality, and thy Fictions shall recommend thee equal with Truth to her Ears.

  Again, when thou dost sit down at table among the Women, thou may’st reap other Pleasures besides those of Wine: For, to speak figuratively, Cupid with glowing Cheeks often presses the Horns of Bacchus in his tender Arms; and the Wings of the little God of Love being wetted with Wine, he is unable to fly off: And if he happens to shake his wet Wings, he may possibly sprinkle the Bosom of your Mistress with Love.

  In more intelligible Language, Wine fills our Minds with Courage, and makes them susceptible of other warm Passions. Care flies away, and is dissolved in much Liquor. Then comes Laughter, the poor Man becomes bold, and Grief and Solicitude, and knitted Brows vanish. Then it is that Simplicity, a rare Virtue in our Age, opens our Hearts, Wine having divested us of Cunning. At this Season, many a watchful young Fellow hath gained the Heart of his Mistress. And Love hath sprung from Wine, as the Flame doth from Fire.

  However, do not confide too much at this time to the Light of a Candle: for Night and Wine obstruct us in forming a true Judgment of Beauty. Paris beheld the Goddesses in open Daylight, when he gave the Preference to Venus. Indeed by Candle-light, and in a Side-Box, almost every one is a Beauty: Jewels, Clothes, and Women, are all best discerned by the Light of the Sun.

  And here if I should recount all the rural Haunts in which a Lover may find his Game, I might write more Volumes than Oldmixon, Tunbridge, and Scarborough, and Cheltenham, and Holt, and many other Places shall be therefore omitted; but, Bath, thy sulphurous Waters must not be past by. Hence Master Dapperwit bringing home the Wounds made by fair Eyes in his Bosom, cries out, on his Return, The Waters are not so wholesome as they are reported; I have received more Harm than Good at the Place.

  Here rises the Temple of the God (CNASH) whose Walls are hung round with the Portraits of Beauties. The Apotheosis of this God hath cost many a poor Man his Heart.

  Thus far, my Scholar, I have endeavoured to instruct thee in what Places thou art to hunt for thy Game, and where to spread thy Net. I will now proceed to shew thee by what Means Puss is to be taken, when you have found her Sitting.

  Mind all, as my old Schoolmaster used to say; for I assure you my instructions will be worthy the Attention of both the Great Vulgar and the Small.

  My first Lesson then is: Be confident. Believe every Woman is to be come at. Do but spread your Net, and I warrant she runs into it.

  Sooner shall the Birds be silent in the Spring, or the Frogs in the Winter: Sooner shall the Greyhound run away from the Hare, than a Woman shall resist the Youth who gently assails her. Though she skrews up her Face ever so demurely, she will at length yield to his Persuasions.

  A dark Corner is as agreeable to a Girl, as to one of us, though we cannot so well dissemble our Desires as she can; but if we should once enter into a Confederacy against the Sex to leave off courting them, they would soon begin to act the Part of Lovers, and come a wooing to us.

  And what is this but a natural Affection, common to the Females of every other Species, who often make love to the Males? And give me leave to tell the Ladies, that we are more able to command our Affections, nor are our Desires so furious, and exceeding all Bounds, as theirs.

  The Story of Byblis is too well known to be related, who being in love with her Brother, punished her Crime with her own Hands, and hanged herself in her Garters.

  Miss Myrrha loved her Papa with an Affection improper for a Daughter; for which she was turned into a Tree. I do assure you the Story is true; and the Tree now drops continual Tears for her Offence, which we use as a Perfume; and they retain the Lady’s Name.

  In the shady Valleys of Ida, there was a white Bull, which was the Glory of the Farmer to whom he belonged. This Bull had a beautiful black Speck between his Horns, all the rest of his Body being as white as Milk. With him the Gnossian and Cydonian Heifers were all in love, and eagerly longed to be embraced by him in the tenderest manner in which Bulls embrace the Fair Sex of Cows. Pasiphaë, I am very sorry to say it, conceived a Passion worse, if possible, than that of Mrs. Mary Hamilton, for this Bull. Lady —— is not more envied in the Drawing-Room than was every handsome Heifer by this unfortunate Woman. The Story is so well known that there is not a Freethinker in the Age who can refuse his Credit to it, though they believe nothing which they cannot see and account for. This poor Girl is reported to have mowed the sweetest Grass with her own Hands for her beloved Bull. She likewise wandered about among the Cows, without the least Regard to Mr. Alderman. Minos her Husband; for a Bull had totally supplanted him in her Esteem. Alas! Pasiphaë, to what purpose are the brocaded Petticoats? Your Gallant is not sensible of your Finery. Why do you consult your Looking-Glass, in order to pursue the Mountain-Herds? Or why with so much Art do you set your Tête? If you will consult your Glass, let it inform you you are no Heifer. Ah! how desirous are you to have those Horns on your own Forehead, which you intend to graft on your Husband’s! It would be better to preserve your Virtue, and be constant to the Alderman, if you can like him: But if you must make a Cuckold of him, do it at least with a young Fellow. No; nothing but a Bull will suffice. She leaves the Alderman’s House, and flies away to the Groves and Mountains. To say the truth, I believe she used to drink away her Senses; and that is the best Excuse for her. Ah! how often hath she cast a jealous Eye on some Heifer! and cried out, Why should that vixen please my Love? Behold, says she, how the Slut dances a Minuet on the Grass before him: Let me die, but she is silly enough to think her Airs become her in my Love’s Eyes. At length she resolved to punish her Rivals. One Heifer she ordered barbarously to be yoked to the Plough; another she condemned to be sacrificed, and held the Entrails of the poor Victim in her Hand with all the insulting Triumph of a Rival: Now, says she, having the Entrails in her Hand, now go and make yourself agreeable to my Dear. At one time she wishes to be Europa, at another Io: for one of these was herself the Wife of a Bull, and the other made her Horse of one.

  Filled with these Thoughts, she contrived the strangest Method of compleating her Desires. She sent for a Joiner of great Ingenuity, and ordered him to make her a large Cow of Wood. Into this she conveyed herself, and thus deceived Master Bull into her Embraces.

  She conceived by this monstrous Coition, and brought forth an Offspring, which by his partaking equally of the human and taurine Form, betrayed her horrid Passion.

  If the Cretan Lady had abstained from the Love of Thyestes, (O! how Women disdain Constancy to their Husbands!) the Sun had not stopt in the middle of his Career, and turned about his Face to the East, that he might avoid the bloody Banquet. God be praised! the Cuckolds of our Age are not so bloody in their Revenge.

  The Daughter of Nisus, who stole her Papa’s Hair, feeds hungry Dogs in those Parts which first set her a longing for Minos.

  Agamemnon, after returning safe from so many bloody Campaigns, and from the dangerous Seas which he crossed, fell at last a dreadful Victim to the Whore his Wife.

  Who hath not wept at the sad Story of Creüsa? consumed by the Flames of a Sorceress, who afterwards drenched her Hands in the Blood of her own Children.

  Phoenix, the Son of Amyntor, hath often paid many a Tear for his Amours, though he had not the wretched Fate of Hippolytus, to be torn in pieces by wild Horses.

  And thou, O Phineus! why dost thou indulge that Jade Harpalice by digging out the Eyes of thy Children? Believe me, Divine Vengeance will hereafter inflict the same Punishment on thyself.

  All these have been the Effects of Women’s raging Desires, which are s
o much more violent and mad than ours.

  Come on then, and doubt not the Conquest of any Girl whatever: there is not one in a thousand who will deny you.

  And even those who will deny you, love to be put to the Question; if you are disappointed therefore, your Repulse will be attended with no Danger.

  But why should you apprehend any Disappointment, when every new Amour pleases them, and they all hanker after the Lovers and Husbands of other Women?

  This I am afraid is too natural in all things. The Corn in our Neighbour’s Field seems always to flourish beyond our own, and we think our own Cow gives less Milk than his.

  However, before you attack any Lady, make first sure of her Maid; for she will pave the Way to your Addresses.

  If the Lady have many Females about her Person, take care to secure her who is most in the Confidence of her Mistress; and who will faithfully betray to you all her private Conversation.

  When you have found this Confidant out, corrupt her with Promises and Intreaties; for she can soon bring you to the End of your Desires, if she pleases.

  Let her watch the Opportunity, (Physicians will tell you the Use of attending proper Seasons) when the Mind of your Mistress is easy, and apt for your Purpose.

  This Season, I apprehend, is when she is in the best Humour; for Love then becomes luxuriant in her Mind, as Corn doth in a rich Soil.

  When the Heart is full of Gladness, and bound up by no Vexation, it is open; and then the Compliments of a Lover will easily find an Admission.

  Remember, Troy was defended while it remained in a sullen Mood, and opened its Gates to the armed Horse, when it was full of Good-Humour, and drunk with Joy.

  Yet every Vexation should not deter you; for if your Mistress should be uneasy at the Falshood of her Husband, then is a proper time to attack her, and to assist her in revenging the Injury.

  When your Mistress is in this Humour, let Abigail while combing her Hair at the Toilette in a Morning, stir her up to Vengeance. This will under-hand promote your Voyage; for while you openly manage your Sails, she works under the Water with her Oars.

  Now let Abigail with a soft Sigh mutter to her self: Ah! poor Lady, I am afraid it is not in your power alone to revenge your Husband’s Perfidy!

  Then let her introduce a Discourse of you; let her say something in your Favour, and swear that you are gone distracted and dying for Love.

  But no Time must be lost; lest the Passions she hath raised should again subside; and Resentment intervene by Delay, and freeze up her Love as Ice doth Water.

  And here perhaps you will ask a Question, Whether it is prudent to kiss the Agent herself. This is not easy to answer: for it is a mere Cast of the Dye, whether you succeed the better of the worse for it.

  One Woman is by Enjoyment made a more industrious Solicitor, another becomes just the reverse. One thinks of procuring the Pleasures she hath tasted for her Mistress, another of securing them herself.

  The Event is doubtful; and though she may be easy enough to be had, my Advice is, abstain from the Confidant; for I will not imitate the Empyric in striking bold Strokes; nor will I lead my Scholars over a Precipice. I give no Advice but what is safe, nor shall any Youth by following my Precepts run himself into Rosamond’s Pond.

  If therefore the Girl who goes between you and your Mistress, pleases you in her Person as well as in her Diligence; enjoy the Mistress first, and the Maid falls of course; but never begin with the latter.

  One thing however I must admonish you, (if my Art deserves any Credit, and my Words are to be regarded as any thing better than Wind) EITHER NEVER ATTEMPT THE CONFIDANT, OR GO THOROUGH STITCH WITH HER: for by making her particeps criminis you take away her Evidence.

  This Doctrine you may learn from all other Sportsmen: for if a Bird escapes with Birdlime on his Wings, or a Boar breaks through the Toils, or a Fish gets off from the Hook; they are all sure to alarm their Companions, and spoil the Sport of the Fowler, the Hunter, or the Fisher. If once therefore you attempt her, press her to it with all your Vigour, and never leave her till you have enjoyed her.

  For when once she is involved in the same Guilt with yourself, you are sure she will not betray you. Nay, you may be assured further, that she will betray every Word and Action of her Mistress to you.

  But take particular care not to blab any of the Secrets she discloses to you: for while her Mistress hath no Suspicion of her Confidant, she will be able to lay her entirely open to your Knowledge.

  And now, to resume that Matter, believe me, he is deceived, who thinks that none but the Farmer and Mariner are obliged to regard the Season: for as it is not proper at all times to commit the Corn to the fallacious Fields, nor to trust your Vessel at all times to the green Ocean; so neither is it always safe to attack a tender Girl, for she will be taken at one time who will resist at another. If it be for instance her Birth-day, perhaps, her Grandmother hath instructed her to be particularly cautious on that day; so if it be the Day of the Week on which Childermas hath happened to fall that Year; or King Charles’s Martyrdom: defer the attack at all such Seasons. For to speak in Sea-Language, then is dirty Weather, then it blows a Hurricane; and if you weigh Anchor at that Season, you will be scarce able to keep your keel downwards.

  Above all avoid your Mistress’s Birth-day; nor will it be more prudent in you to visit her first on the Morning of Valentine’s Day, you will pay more for being her Valentine than it is worth. Indeed all Seasons which give them any Hint of receiving Presents should be carefully avoided: for be never so cautious and sneaking, have it of you she will. They all very well know the Art of squeezing a Lover who longs to squeeze them.

  Mr.[C] Deards will make his Appearance in his Silk Night-Gown, and unbundle his Packet in your Presence. The Lady will then desire you to look over his Trinkets, (she can do no less, you know, in Compliment to your Taste:) then she will make you a Present of a Kiss, and afterwards desire you to buy it.

  [Note C: An eminent Joyner in London.]

  “I promise you, my Dear,” says she, “if you will but buy me this single Jewel, I will not ask another of you the Lord knows how long; but I have really a present Occasion for this, and besides it is the cheapest Thing I ever saw.”

  If you pretend to have no Money about you, the Answer is, O, my Dear, you may give your Note: Mr. Deards will take your Note. So that you may repent having learnt to write your Name. Then she adds, O la, I had almost forgot, it is my Birth-day, I am sure you will make me a Present on my Birth-day: for they can be born every Day in the Year to serve their Purpose. Or else she pretends to have lost a Drop from her Ear-Ring; this Loss makes her miserable, and sure, says she, if you loved me, you would repair that Loss.

  Nay, some are not so honest as to desire a Present, they only borrow; but they are sure never to restore. By this Means you lose the Thing, without having the Merit of bestowing it.

  In short, if I had ten Mouths, with ten Tongues in each, all would not suffice to display all the Arts by which Harlots pick the Pockets of their Cullies.

  Begin then your Amour with an Epistle; let that break the Ice for you, and make the first Discovery of your Flame.

  In this you may insert all your little Blandishments, and Expressions of Fondness, nor be ashamed, however high your Quality is, to add the strongest Entreaties.

  Remember that many a Rebel’s Son hath had his Life spared at the Supplication of his Father; nay, the Wrath of Heaven itself is often averted by Prayer.

  It is moreover my Advice to you, to be liberal of your Promises; for what Injury can you receive by Promising? This is a Treasure in which any Man may be rich.

  Nor can your Mistress complain that she is absolutely cheated, if you can bring her to believe your Promises. A lifely Faith hath supported many a Man for a long Time: For though our Faith may sometimes deceive us, it is however a great and commodious Virtue.

  Beware of giving: For when once your Mistress hath the Present in her Clutches, she may answer jilting you to her Prudence. She h
ath gained at least what she is in possession of, and cannot be said to have lost any thing by the Bargain.

  On the contrary, keep her still in Expectation. Seem always about to give, but never part with a Shilling: For in this Manner doth a barren Soil often deceive its Owner. Thus, that he may not be a Loser, the Gamester pushes on his ill Luck, and one flattering Throw makes him eager to have the Box again in his Hands.

  Indeed the great Business is to enjoy your Mistress before she hath touched you. If she once yield to you gratis, she will continue to bestow her Favours still gratis, in Hopes of being at last rewarded for all her past Favours.

  Epistolize therefore first; flatter and sooth her with tender Lines. Let these probe her Mind, and open the Way for your Addresses.

  You know the Story of Cydippe, who was outwitted by a Letter inclosed in an Apple; by which Means she was made to speak Words she never intended.

  I would advise the young Gentlemen of the Temple, to study the Arts of Persuasion, on other Accounts, besides that of defending Sheep-stealers at an Assizes: For a pretty Girl may be as easily captivated by Eloquence, as a Judge or Jury; and surely she is a much nobler Prize.

  But here conceal your Art, and do not carry your Eloquence in your Face: And above all Things, beware of hard Words; for who but an empty Coxcomb ever made a verbose Declamation to his Mistress? By such Methods you may raise her Abhorrence more probably than her Love.

  Let your Passion appear credible, and disclose it in easy and common Language; it may be as tender and warm as you please; but preserve the Stile of Conversation.

  If she should not receive your Letter, but send it back unopened, hope for better Success another Time, and maintain your Purpose.