Roots and Wings

by D. W. Marchwell

  It wasn’t the ideal life he’d imagined for himself, but if Anne really was pregnant and they were going to be parents, there wasn’t much William would be able to do but marry her and work really hard to make sure he was a good husband, a good father, and a good provider. He would find a way, with David and Jerry’s help, to become a vet and to ensure that his life and Anne’s and the baby’s was a happy one. That would be his responsibility after all. Jerry and David had taught him the importance of family and sacrifice.

  But Anne wasn’t pregnant after all, and instead of being able to see her, to comfort her, to be with her, William was alone in his room waiting for scraps of communication that would convince him that Anne still loved him. She’d said so herself, but William wasn’t sure about any of it anymore.

  He heard a knock at his door. “Come in.” He watched as Billie stood up, as she always did whenever anyone came into the room.

  The door opened and there was Cory. “Hey, Billiam,” Cory said as he moved to sit on the bed. “Feel like talking about it?” Billie moved over to the bed, Cory reaching out his hand to scratch her ears and tell her how big she’d gotten.

  William smiled, knowing already that Cory would have some words of wisdom for him. “I don’t even know where to start,” William said as he leaned back in his chair.

  “Start wherever you want.”

  William took a deep breath and leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees. “I met this girl,” he began, wondering if Cory would be surprised. “She’s really pretty and funny and nice, and I thought she liked me and then Wayde and Julie wanted to spend time alone, so Anne and I would still go out together by ourselves, and it was really great for a couple of months, then one night when her parents were out, we got carried away, and then she told me one day she might be pregnant, and—” William didn’t realize he was rambling until Cory interrupted him.

  “Whoa, Billiam,” Cory said, his hand raised and his brow furrowing. “You didn’t use a condom?”

  William felt himself blushing and shook his head, the embarrassment of his impetuousness coming back again. “Like I said, we got carried away. Anyway, now I can’t see her because her parents think I’m irresponsible and Jerry said he’d be willing to go and meet with the parents and—”

  “You talked to Jerry about this?”

  William nodded. “I love her.”

  Cory tilted his head, the smile returning to his face as reached out to put his hand on his brother’s knee. “That’s great, Billiam. I’m so happy for you.”

  “But I haven’t seen her in almost a week. I feel like I’m going crazy.” William crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in his chair again.

  “What did Jerry say? Besides him meeting the parents.”

  “He’s happy for me, that I’ve found someone who’s special to me, and he wants Anne to think of you and Dad and David as friends.” William found himself smiling. He had the best dad in the world.

  “I know it may not seem like it, buddy, but things will work out the way they’re supposed to.” Cory removed his hand and went back to petting Billie.

  “What if I never see her again?”

  “You will,” Cory said, his tone giving William some confidence because Cory was an adult now and knew these kinds of things. “And maybe you or Anne won’t feel this way forever, but it just means that she’s not the one you were meant to be with.”

  “How did you know that Tara was the one?”

  Cory shrugged. “Why do you think Anne is the one?” His smile and the expression on his face was teasing, William was sure. “This is one of the puzzling things about life. How do you know anything but what you’re feeling?”

  “I just hope I haven’t ruined everything,” William sighed as he felt his leg bouncing again.

  “You weren’t the only one who made that mistake, Billiam. Anne was there too.” Cory stopped petting Billie and looked up. “You didn’t force her, did you?”

  “No!” William yelled the word, frightened that this was one of the reasons Anne wasn’t allowed to see him, that her parents figured William had tricked her or forced her in some way. “We were just kissing, like we’d done before, and then she put her hand… down there… and….” William was feeling way too embarrassed to say all of this in front of Cory, even though he knew that Cory knew what happened when two people had sex. For the hundredth time, William wished that Cory had been there when he’d first met Anne. It might have saved him some of the heartache he was going through now.

  “Okay,” Cory laughed and held up his hands. “I don’t need the details.” His face became full of compassion and understanding. “I don’t think there’s anything you can do but wait, buddy.”

  “But what if her parents never let me see her again?”

  Cory shrugged and opened his eyes wide, as if he were about to break some bad news. “That’s a possibility, Billiam. But if you and Anne love each other, then time won’t really matter, will it?” Cory stood up and stretched his back. “You two will be eighteen soon, and back in school in only another couple of weeks. You’ll see each other then.” Moving to the door, he turned and studied William for a moment. “But the most important thing you’re going to do is obey her parents’ wishes. Give them time to get all of this sorted out in their heads. And give yourself some time to figure out the best way to make sure you don’t do anything so… rash… again.”

  “Thanks, Cory,” William said and raised himself to wrap his brother in a big bear hug. “I’m glad you’re back. When do you and Tara have to leave again?”

  “We leave on Wednesday,” Cory said, putting William into a loose headlock. “Now,” he said, looking from his brother to Billie. “Tara’s downstairs getting some reading done before she heads back to classes. Wanna see if you can finally beat me at soccer?”

  “What do you mean finally? I’ve beaten you plenty of times,” William said as he turned and beckoned for Billie to follow him.

  “Yeah,” Cory said with a raised eyebrow. “And then you woke up.”

  “Shut up,” William said with a snarl. “I have too beaten you.”

  “You know,” Cory said as he wrapped his arm around his brother again, Billie running between them to get down the stairs first. “I think you are taller than David now.”

  William smiled at that thought. He was glad that he’d gotten to be as tall as David, never really having believed that he would get to be this tall, let alone taller than David.

  “Speak of the devil,” Cory said as he opened the door in time to see David stepping up to the veranda.

  “How are my men this morning?” David had a big smile on his face, and William couldn’t help wondering what his meeting with Lenore had been about. William had come down for breakfast to find Jerry alone in the kitchen, and a note from David explaining that he’d had to meet with Lenore about something.

  “Great,” William said as David stopped in front of him and pushed his fingers through the thick mop of blond hair, moving it out of William’s eyes. “I need to talk to you later.” William knew that Jerry had probably already said something to David, but he needed to tell David anyway.

  “Anytime, William.” David moved his hand around to the back of William’s neck and gave it a little squeeze. “I’m glad to see you’re smiling again. I was worried about you.”

  “I know,” William said as he leaned forward to give David a hug. “I’m sorry. I love you.”

  “You don’t need to apologize, sweetie,” David said, wrapping his arms tightly around his son. “And I love you too.” David sighed as he looked into William’s blue eyes. “Always have, always will.”

  William let go and picked up the ball that Cory had kicked to him to get him moving. He kicked the ball back and ran out to the field, feeling lighter than he had in weeks.

  Chapter 7

  JERRY stared at the soap dispenser on the counter of the bathroom, his face contorted in a show of great concentration. His jeans and boxers wer
e bunched around his ankles, his tongue moving involuntarily with the movements of his hands as he tried to locate the lump. He stood in the center of the room, bow-legged as a rodeo cowboy, both of his hands working together as they caressed the delicate skin of his scrotum and palpated his sensitive testicles. Funny, he thought as he made a second pass, they’re not sensitive when David’s touching or sucking on them. He chalked it up to his calloused and work-hewn hands, far too used to moving with force and strength. Of course, it could also be because David was an incredibly sensitive person, felt everything very deeply. It was probably why Jerry didn’t want to worry him.

  He’d felt himself stop breathing when he’d heard the words out of David’s mouth yesterday. His brain had figured out what the words meant and then just gone numb, as if the only thing that mattered was making sure that he didn’t show David how much he was also worried about the lump. It was a strange, if not stupid, reaction. He should have told his husband that he was concerned, but David had been on edge lately, worrying about anything and everything. That was why Jerry had made sure to get to William first, not wanting David to take even one more thing into his already overloaded brain. He’d spent most of last night lying there in bed, slowing his breathing, thinking about what he and David had talked about. Jerry had never considered going to a psychologist, ever. He’d always figured that life was supposed to be a series of ups and downs.

  No one knew that better than Jerry. He’d lost his parents at a young age and had been left more or less alone in the world. He didn’t have any brothers or sisters, and his only living relative had been Pamela, who’d taken off to Europe when she turned twenty-five and gained control over her trust fund. So, he’d started looking for some place where he could do his art, only venturing back into civilization when he felt the overwhelming urge to find some little blond thing and fuck until dawn. There’d even been a couple of times when he’d thought he’d found someone worth getting to know, but there had always been some reason it didn’t work out.

  He’d thought he’d been happy all those years, living alone with his horses and his ranch house. There’d been the renovations to keep him busy, his artwork, and his few friends. He’d managed to find an even keel between the ups and the downs, settling for a few bumps here and there, which he could handle with very little aggravation or upset to his life. Before he knew what had happened, he was middle-aged and his small circle of friends had married or moved away or both. It was like what William learned in grade six about that frog that jumps out of the boiling water if you put him in it, but will stay in the water that’s slowly heated until the frog boils to death. Jerry’s well-ordered and perfect existence, free from the ups and downs, had changed into something he didn’t want—he’d lost touch with those few friends he did have, he’d become far too comfortable with anonymous sex, and he’d found himself growing quickly irritated by most people he came in contact with. But it had all happened so slowly that he hadn’t realized anything was missing until it was all gone.

  And then that tan sedan had arrived, transporting a little blond boy whose life had been nothing but ups and downs, a boy who was just as lost and alone as Jerry, a boy who needed him. The lawyer, Mr. Boyd, had been right; Jerry and William had needed each other, had been the best thing for each other. Jerry had opened himself up to the possibility of sharing his life with someone else—it wasn’t a tall, dark, handsome man like he’d always hoped. It was a short, blond, beautiful little boy who had been enrolled in the class of a teacher who, after only one visit, had completely and irreversibly changed William’s and Jerry’s lives. David had turned out to be the tall, dark, handsome man Jerry had been waiting for, and together they’d made a home for not only William, but also Cory and Billie. But now, if the lump did exist, Jerry might lose it all.

  There was no denying that Jerry had a temper, and had to work hard, for his family’s sake, to keep it in check, but the possibility of dying seemed to have sapped Jerry of any temper at all. He’d spent most of the last few days wondering why he wasn’t angry, why he wasn’t railing against the unfairness of it all. He imagined that day would come soon enough, especially if the prognosis was the one he feared, but for now, the only thing that Jerry seemed to find strength in was the persistent thoughts of trying not to think about a life without David and the boys.

  Jerry wasn’t ready to let any of it go. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye to the happiest years of his life. He wanted to be here to watch his grandchildren grow up. He wanted to be the one to help them learn to ride—horses and bikes. He wanted to be there at his sons’ weddings so that he could watch them solemnize—as he had with David—a relationship based on love and respect. He wanted to be around, so that he could tell embarrassing stories about them during the reception. And most of all, Jerry knew, he wanted another thirty or forty years with David.

  Jerry felt the coolness of the tears on his cheek and stopped his hands. He looked at himself in the mirror of the bathroom, his eyes filling with tears. It’s just so unfair, he thought to himself and looked away from his reflection. He wasn’t sure if he was disgusted at the clichéd thought of unfairness or at the realization that he was human after all. Realizing it was probably both, Jerry shook his head, swiped at his wet cheeks and spread his knees again.

  He tried a third pass and still found nothing. Was this normal? Could lumps just come and go like that? Was it loose and moving around? Jerry was thinking maybe that was worth the appointment that David would be making for him, maybe that alone was cause to worry. His knees were starting to ache from standing like that bow-legged cowboy for the past ten minutes, so he decided to stop before he got too much more frustrated. He stood and stretched his back, just as he heard David calling his name from the hallway outside the bedroom.

  He bent over quickly to pull up his boxers and then jeans, trying to get everything put away before David found him, but he was too late. He looked up at his husband as he settled his boxers on his hips, then reached for his jeans.

  “How’s Lenore?” Jerry asked, trying to sound casual, as if he’d just been using the bathroom for its usual purpose. “Have a good visit?”

  “Fine,” David said, his eyes taking everything in. Jerry thought about confessing all, but he stopped himself from saying anything else. He remembered David telling him that students were usually caught in a lie because they started to babble, to provide far too much detail. So, Jerry would not do either. “She gave me the name of a psychologist. I’m going to make an appointment with her tomorrow after I make an appointment for you with Dr. Wulfhaart. Were… you… just checking yourself?”

  Jerry laughed and finished buckling his belt. He walked over to his husband and kissed his cheek before grabbing him up into a hug. “How do you do that? I mean, no matter what I do or say, you always know what’s going on. It’s like you’re psychic or something.”

  “It’s easy,” David said with a smile. “I’ve installed cameras all over the house.” Jerry looked at him, his own smile fading, and then saw the glint in those amber eyes. “Of course I’m kidding.” David kissed him on the lips. “I knew you weren’t that relaxed about the lump. No one can be that casual about something like that.”

  “I just didn’t want to worry you, David.” Jerry walked them over to the bed and pushed on his husband’s chest, watching him fall onto the bed. “Especially since you told me how much stress you’ve been having lately.” Jerry crawled onto the bed, resting on his side, and pulled David close against him. “Didn’t want to add to your worries.”

  Jerry felt the familiar push against his chest and rolled onto his back and waited for David to crawl on top of him, the long legs straddling his hips. “That was unfair of me. I’m sorry to have made you feel like you couldn’t tell me your worries.” David interlaced his fingers with Jerry’s, and leaned down to steal a kiss. “I think I just need some coping techniques to deal with all of the changes.”

  “Still want me to come with?” Jerry pushed his
palms against David’s, the smaller man’s elbows bending until Jerry could wrap his arms, along with David’s, around his husband’s back. He tipped David over by raising his right hip, and then their positions were reversed. Jerry had his husband’s arms pinned to the bed, so he dipped his head immediately to nibble and kiss one of those sensitive ears.

  “I’d like that, baby,” David said as he closed his eyes. “But I’ll see how it goes with just me. Who knows, maybe she’ll tell me I’m actually normal.”

  Jerry looked down at him and wondered why David didn’t look any older. Except for the streaks of gray in his hair, he looked just as he did seven years ago. And if Niels was any indication, David would probably look the same for the next twenty years. Twenty years we may not get. The thought came to Jerry so swiftly that he found his hands stalled on his husband’s body, all desire and wanting forgotten. Jerry rolled to David’s side and tried to control the tears that threatened to reappear as quickly as they had in the bathroom just moments before.

  “What’s wrong?” David asked as he looked over and raised himself on his elbows.

  “What if it is cancer?” Jerry looked over, the twin feelings of fear and guilt invading him completely. He didn’t want to be afraid, didn’t want to worry David, but he didn’t seem to be able to push these feelings down far enough.

  Jerry felt David move closer, felt one hand cradle the back of his head while the other rested reassuringly on his chest. David kissed him softly on the lips. “I know,” he said soothingly. “I don’t want to think about it either, but if it is cancer…. I guess we’ll have some decisions to make.”

  “I’m not ready,” Jerry said, his voice breaking slightly. “I know it’s selfish, but I’m not ready.”

  “That’s not selfish,” David whispered, the fingers of one hand drying Jerry’s cheeks. “That’s normal.”

  “While I was in the bathroom… and then just now… I was thinking about the next twenty or thirty years with you… and….” Jerry looked up into David’s beautiful brown eyes and saw that he was crying now as well. “I’m sorry. I know I should be stronger, but—”