“Is it the only one? It certainly doesn’t sound like it to me.”
“No, maybe not,” David said, the feeling of sadness still with him. “But we don’t really share any other interests, other than working around the home and taking care of the horses.”
“Is that something you two could talk about? Developing other interests together, I mean?”
“Oh, I’m sure,” David said, and he truly believed that Jerry would be willing to try this. “He’s a really good husband. He’s always asking me what I need, and he’s taught me how to ask for what I want.” David suddenly had an idea. “I could ask him to write out a list of five activities he’s always wanted to try… I could do the same, and then we could try all ten to see what we enjoy together.”
David looked over at Dr. Berscheid and smiled. She hadn’t said anything, allowing David to make his own connections in his own time. His smile grew as he realized that he’d had the answers all along, but he liked the idea of having someone else to talk to. David loved Jerry more than anything, but he found it difficult to talk to Jerry sometimes when the only response Jerry had was to tell him that everything would be fine.
“Would I be wasting your time if I continued to make appointments?”
Dr. Berscheid just laughed softly and asked David how he was enjoying working on his doctoral thesis.
Chapter 12
JERRY pulled off his gloves and set them on the little wooden bench that he’d made in ninth grade wood shop. King was out in the corral, galloping and rolling around on the ground with Biscuit and Mountain Lion. Jerry had come into the barn this morning, as he did every day, to check on the three horses and let them out for their usual run around the pasture while he mucked their stalls and got their evening beds ready. As he stretched his back, he figured that King was back to his usual self since the stallion’s bed seemed to have a lot less straw in it this morning; he’d been putting in extra straw each night in King’s stall, just in case he had a relapse, and because Jerry never really knew now which night might be King’s last. He wanted to make sure his old friend was comfortable.
He walked to the rear doors of the barn and watched the three horses running and playing, King nudging and nurturing like he’d always been. There had always been something inexplicably peaceful about this time of the day for Jerry. When he’d first purchased King, he’d thought of just leaving him at grass, but then he’d found himself thinking of King as a friend and not just an animal he rode from time to time. He’d not known much about horses, having spent most of his youth in Switzerland at the same boarding school that William had attended, but he’d always wanted one when he was growing up. So when the opportunity to move to this patch of land had come up, Jerry had not only been able to get himself out of the city, but he’d also been able to realize a dream.
Owning and learning to care for the horses was a dream Jerry had always been aware of. There had been several dreams that had always lurked somewhere in his subconscious, just below the surface. Like his desire for a husband and children. Long before the days of legalized gay marriage and artificial insemination, Jerry had wondered sometimes how he would achieve those goals. His parents had already passed away, he didn’t have any siblings, and the only other living relative he was aware of had been Pamela. But she’d taken off to Europe the very day she’d come into her trust fund, and they’d lost touch—not that they’d ever been close before her move across the pond.
Slowly but surely, after years of life and the toils and tribulations it brings had settled over him, Jerry had begun to see that he would probably never meet the man he’d always dreamed of, nor would he ever have children of his own—biological or adopted. It just didn’t seem to be in the cards for him. He’d dated, fucked himself silly on every man who turned his head, and even had his fair share of long-term romances, but there had always been a reason not to allow himself to be tied down to any of those men.
And as the years passed and the vivid dreams of his youth grew more and more muted, he’d convinced himself that his destiny was to answer to his muse, to stay on his land and paint and sculpt, to create works of art and watch them be taken by people who would never know that he’d put as much love as he could into each brush stroke and each coat of glaze. And he thought he’d been happy. But he wasn’t, really. It took William and David to make him see that he’d just given up, that he’d stopped trying, stopped believing even.
Which was why he wanted to do everything he could to make sure that David got anything and everything he wanted. Jerry was ambling among the three horses in the corral, thinking about the crazy idea David had had when he’d arrived home from his first appointment with the psychologist. Jerry checked over Biscuit’s feet and coat as he remembered the conversation they’d had after dinner.
“You want us to do what?”
“You write out five activities or things you’ve always wanted to do on that sheet of paper, and I’ll do the same on this sheet, and then we’ll combine them and then go out and do each one. You know, to find things to do together, separate from the kids.”
“Like what? You mean… sex… things?”
“Why? Are you bored with the sex we have?”
“God, no! I just don’t understand what this is about.”
“I would like to go out and do things with you without the boys. I’d like us to have some things or hobbies that we can do together.”
“You mean like hiking or fishing or—”
“Exactly.”
Jerry had set to work, putting his pencil to the very white, blank paper and then realizing that he had no idea what kinds of activities interested him. He’d never really wanted to do anything besides his artwork and caring for his horses and ranch. The last thing he’d ever done off the ranch was to impress a little blond dancer he’d met at a club one night in downtown Calgary. He couldn’t remember the little blond’s name, but he did remember agreeing to bungee jumping if it would get him inside the tight jeans. So, he’d jumped from a tiny square platform that seemed like it was higher than most skyscrapers, just to get laid. The little blond had been more than willing to give Jerry another kind of ride later on, but that was the night that Jerry realized he’d outgrown the need for impressing the little blond things that always wanted to call him Daddy.
As he continued to stare at the empty sheet of paper before him, he realized that he’d already found everything he’d ever wanted: a beautiful husband, two strong and handsome sons and his own little piece of paradise where each of them could find peace and contentment. But Jerry also realized that maybe, for David, there was something missing. Maybe that’s what this was about. Or maybe nothing was missing, yet.
There was never any doubt in Jerry’s mind that David was the heart that kept their ragtag little family feeling more love than any of them had ever felt before. And there was no doubt in Jerry’s mind that he and the boys could have searched the rest of their lives for the kind of love and loyalty that David offered so freely and so often. Perhaps they would have found something comparable, but as Jerry finally put down his pencil in defeat, he had no problem that he and the boys had found what they’d needed, when they’d needed it the most.
Jerry felt like an idiot for taking so long to figure out what this activity planning was all about. “You know you don’t ever have to worry about being alone again, right?” The question had come out of Jerry’s mouth before he’d even thought of the proper way to reassure his husband. He reached out a hand and placed it on top of David’s. “I’m sorry for not realizing this sooner. What you’ve been going through, I mean.”
Jerry had wanted to laugh at David’s confused expression, but didn’t. There weren’t too many people that were smarter than David, which was why Jerry always got a kick out of those rare moments when David seemed genuinely confused.
“You don’t need to worry about losing any of us,” Jerry said as he saw the recognition come swiftly to his husband’s eyes. “You’re stuck with
us for the rest of your life.” Jerry watched as David looked down at his own list for a moment. “I won’t promise that it will always be like it is now, but there’s no force in Heaven or on earth that would make any of us choose to be away from you.”
David had raised his free hand, swiping at his eyes, still saying nothing. Jerry brought up their joined hands, placing several small kisses to the back of his husband’s hand. “I won’t lie to you and tell you that I’m not looking forward to having you all to myself, but….” Jerry watched intently as David continued to brush his free hand against his cheek. “They may not come around as often, or call as often as you’d like, but I can guarantee you one thing: the last few years for both of them have been the happiest and most memorable in a very long time. And that’s because of you.” Jerry had smiled as David looked up, the beautiful brown eyes filled with appreciation and love. “And besides, just think about how full this nest is going to be with grandchildren one day.”
David had laughed then and leaned over, Jerry only too happy to oblige his husband with a kiss. “I thought I was doing such a good job at hiding it,” David had said with an ironic laugh.
“I know things have been a little crazy around here lately, baby, and I know the lump scared the shit out of you, but... I need you to know that I’ll do whatever I have to do, even if it means just one minute more with you. And I think you know the boys feel the same way.”
David had looked down again, and Jerry had taken the opportunity to pull David onto his lap, his hands and lips reassuring and comforting.
After a few moments, David had pulled back and offered one last kiss before raising himself and examining the sheet of blank paper in front of Jerry.
Jerry could only shrug. “I can’t think of anything.”
“There’s nothing you’ve ever wanted to do that you haven’t done yet?”
“Well, sure, but those can all be done in the bedroom.”
“Be serious! You can’t think of even one thing you’ve always wanted to try?”
“How about we just do the things on your list?”
“No, you’ll just have to keep thinking.” David had walked over to the counter to make them some tea, and Jerry had tried to sneak a peek at his husband’s list, but after filling the kettle, David had returned to the table and snatched the list out of Jerry’s hand. Jerry had finally managed to think of five things he’d always wanted to try, but then had to cross out the last two when David reminded him that none of the activities should be sexual in nature.
After several attempts to finish his list, Jerry had finally thrown in the towel, leaving the two of them with a list of only eight different activities to try. Jerry had actually warmed to the idea until he saw the third and fourth activities on David’s list. As for Jerry’s list of three activities, David had only had an issue with the third and final activity—David had sighed when he learned that Jerry wanted to go sky-diving.
“Yoga? Bowling? David, seriously?”
“Those will be fun. We can go bowling with Lenore and her twins one Wednesday night.”
“Lenore goes bowling?”
“We only have to do them once. Who knows? Maybe you’ll actually have fun.”
“Yoga? I can barely bend over to touch my toes. How the hell am I supposed to bend myself into the shape of a pretzel?”
“See? This is why we need to try these things. Yoga isn’t about contorting your body, it’s about achieving a balance between mind and body.”
“I get that every night when you’re curled up next to me.”
“Sorry, cowboy, you’re not sweet-talking your way out of this. And besides, if I have to go sky-diving, you’re going to do yoga.”
Jerry had done his best to sweet-talk and kiss his way out of yoga, but it was no use. David had made it clear—Jerry was going and there was no more discussing the issue. But Jerry managed to get the last word. After the lists were exchanged, Jerry had come up with one more activity for them to try. Each of them would think of one activity that the two of them would do together, provide details of what was needed in terms of clothing or any other preparation, and then pick a date for the activity. Jerry still didn’t know what David had chosen for him, but Jerry would be taking his husband to the symphony.
He’d gotten the idea after speaking to Niels, David’s father, not too long ago. David had apparently always been a season ticket holder to the symphony and the opera, but had not been since meeting Jerry and William. And it was going to be great, Jerry decided. He would go out and get a new suit, hire a car to drive them into the city, maybe even trim his beard and get a facial or something so he looked his very best. Jerry couldn’t wait. He was just waiting on Niels for the details and the tickets.
Jerry had planned the tickets to the symphony before David presented him this activities idea. But then Jerry saw his opportunity to go all out. David didn’t necessarily like to be fussed over, but Jerry ignored him once or twice a year and made sure he was spoiled and pampered. The man had given up so much to be with Jerry, and never complained. The least Jerry could do was to make sure David knew how much Jerry loved him. Jerry may not be as good with words as David, but he’d always managed to find other ways to show his husband how much he was loved and appreciated.
Jerry checked his watch, gave a few more minutes of attention to his horses, and then headed back to the house. He had time to eat lunch with his family, maybe take an afternoon nap, and then at three this afternoon, he would be embarrassing himself in front of complete strangers while he tried to twist his ancient body into positions with names like upward dog and half lord of the fishes.
DAVID was trying really hard not to laugh at Jerry looking over every few seconds, trying his best to match the poses that David was able to manage with little difficulty. Jerry had not complained once, but had muttered more than once that he hoped David wasn’t too fond of continuing this particular activity. David heard the air whoosh out of Jerry’s lungs as he tried to swing his leg through his arms to assume the lunge pose, only to stub his toes on the mat and collapse onto his stomach.
“What did I ever do to you?” Jerry muttered as he rolled onto his back. “Just wait until we go sky-diving. I’m gonna tell the guy who does the tandem jump with you to wait until he’s about a hundred feet from the ground before he opens the chute.”
“Nice,” David grunted as he released the lunge and moved back to downward dog. He looked over at Jerry. “You realize, of course, I’m not going to go now.” David heard the instructions to go into one last lunge and swung his leg through, trying to balance himself while raising his arms in the air. “You know the position you’re in right now is called corpse pose.”
“I’m good at that one,” Jerry said as he raised himself on one elbow and reached over to push against David’s hip, laughing when David lost his balance and toppled over, almost hitting the man on his other side. “That one’s called road kill pose.”
David apologized to the man he’d almost bowled over, and returned to his mat, looking at the instructor and waving away her frown. “Stop it or you’re going to get us kicked out of here,” David whispered.
“That would be a shame,” Jerry said and returned to lying on his back. “I’m sorry, baby, but I’m no good at this.”
“It takes work, Jerry, just like everything else in life.”
“Says the man whose name should be Gumby.” Jerry heard the instructor say something about the next pose being called happy baby, and rolled onto his stomach only to find out he needed to be on his back again. He rolled over and looked at David, who was assuming a very familiar position, only he was doing it out in public. Jerry quickly looked around and saw that David wasn’t just teasing him.
He pulled his knees up to his chest and glanced over at David, noticing that the knees were now supposed to slide into the armpits and then the hands were to grab the feet. “Like a happy baby,” Jerry whispered to David. “Although I would have called this one happy Jerry pose
because when I see you in this pose—”
“I’ll pay you a thousand dollars not to finish that sentence right now,” David said, barely containing his laughter.
Jerry abandoned his attempt at grabbing his own feet and rolled over on his side, his head propped on his hand while he studied his husband. “No wonder you’re so good at yoga,” Jerry whispered. “You already know all these positions.”
“Jerry!” David was laughing now and had to release his pose. He relaxed all of his muscles and lay there, looking over at Jerry. “I’m sorry you’re not enjoying this, baby.”
“I’m enjoying it if you are, David.” Jerry blew him a kiss and rolled onto his back. “Okay, I’ll be good. I promise.”
“We only have another five or ten minutes. We can leave now if you’d prefer.”
“No,” Jerry said as he tried happy baby one more time. “I can handle it.” He reached a position and looked over at David again, who was already on to the next move. “Okay,” he huffed. “How’s this?” David nodded enthusiastically. “But if we ever do this again, I’ll have to be on the other side of the room ’cause watching you… I’m doing upward and downward dog at the same time, if you know what I mean.”
David began to laugh and fell out of his plank position. “You are a dog,” he said as they both heard the instructor announce the cool down portion of the class. “A hound dog!”
Jerry rolled onto his stomach and panted for David, his tongue hanging out of his mouth. “When you told me we were coming to yoga, I did a little research online,” Jerry grunted as he sat with his legs straight and tried to reach his toes. “I read that this is supposed to make your sex life phenomenal.” He looked over at David. “Show off,” he said when he saw that David’s chest was on his own knees and that he had his fingers interlaced across the soles of his feet. Before he could laugh, David sat up straight.
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