The Shoebox

by Lisa Fernandez

  Peter shook his head. “No. I ruined it.”

  Jake whistled long and low between his teeth.

  Peter was back in the Marsden living room again, with its drapes and ebony flooring, its clean lines and dim lighting. After Maddy had called out for her parents, Peter remained frozen on the carpet. The sounds of her parents’ feet running down the stairs excited Boxer, who began to bark ferociously. Peter held his hands out and slowly tucked his leg underneath him so he could stand. Before he could calm Boxer, Tom stood before him, and Ann was at Maddy’s side.

  “Mother!” Maddy threw herself into Ann’s arms and hid her face in Ann’s neck. “I can’t mom, I just can’t. I’m so scared! He needs to go. Make him go!”

  Ann stroked Maddy head, her face bent over the dark head.

  “I believe you have overstayed your welcome, Mr. Michaels.” Tom pulled Peter to his feet. “I will help you to the door.”

  “Mr. Marsden, Mrs. Marsden, please. I know Maddy’s upset, but it’s because we lost each other, we love each other so much—”

  “Madeline is allowed to make up her mind about her own feelings in this house.” Tom took Peter by the arm.

  “Tom,” Ann cried. “Don’t!”

  “I don’t want to have to throw you out, son.” Tom’s voice was deadly serious. “But I’ll do it if you make me.”

  “No.” Peter looked at Ann, who stood with her arms around Maddy and tears in her eyes. “It won’t be necessary. I wish I could tell you, to explain to you what I have been through. I can’t seem to make you understand. I’m so very sorry.” Peter nodded his head and turned to Maddy. “Maddy—”

  “Mother,” Maddy whispered into Ann’s neck.

  “Good-bye, Peter.” Ann met his eyes over Maddy’s bowed head. “I’m sure you meant well.” Ann turned and guided Maddy out of the room, away from Peter, around the corner into the hallway and out of his sight.

  Peter sighed and looked at Tom. Their eyes locked, Tom’s chilling glare full of sorrow that Peter knew he had never be able to express: the pain in his daughter’s voice, the tragedy of what had happened to her, the endless remorse. Peter nodded once softly and walked alone to the foyer. He felt Tom’s stare on his back. It was a lonely feeling.

  Peter opened the heavy door and paused, one hand on the knob. It seemed like a decision he couldn’t possibly make, but he had to. After a long minute, Peter shut the heavy door behind him and went down the steep brick front steps.

  “Peter.” Jake’s voice startled him.

  Peter glanced up.

  “What, dude? Where have you been?”

  “I’ll tell you where.” Peter leaned forward over the cafe table. “With Maddy. I’m still in love with Maddy.”

  Jake sat for a minute looking into Peter’s eyes, and when he spoke his voice was quiet. “When Amanda told me she was pregnant for the first time, you know what I did? I never told you this.”

  Peter put down his coffee cup and waited.

  “I ran.”

  Peter frowned. “What are you talking about?”

  “I freaked the heck out. I hadn’t even been a husband more than a few months, and now I was a father? She called me from the doctor’s office. I could tell she was as blown-away as I was, so I acted as if I was surprised and happy, but inside I completely lost it. I packed my stuff and left.”

  “What the hell?” Peter stared at him. “What did she do?”

  Jake shrugged. “She never found out. I drove about two blocks and parked on the side of the curb, and I was sitting there thinking about Amanda, about the baby, about my life and our future and the fact that I didn’t know where I thought I was going. Then something inside me just snapped. You know the feeling when you’ve been running so much you get a pain in your side, and you can’t take a deep-enough breath, and you sort of lose your head? You don’t know where you are for a second? I realized without Amanda in my life that’s how I’d feel—as if I couldn’t breathe.”

  Peter’s eyes widened.

  “The reason I’m telling you this is because we all have moments in life where we’re standing at the edge of a cliff, knowing the avalanche is on its way. We panic, sweat, freak out. Then, just before we’re about to give up and jump off, something happens. Something changes everything. For me it was a simple image, a vision of Amanda by herself, afraid and crying. I realized I could never leave her. Her world is my world. Amanda is my life.”

  Peter gripped Jake’s hand across the table. “Jake, that’s how I feel. Ever since you found the shoebox, I’ve felt that longing, that need to be with Maddy again. It was as if I hadn’t thought of her or found the shoebox before because it was the wrong time, and now was the right time to find it. God knows I’d searched and made phone calls and tried and tried, and it was never successful. I’ve even toyed with the idea of fate and free will and destiny, how God fits in all of this.

  “Then when I sat outside that school office and heard Maddy coming down the stairs, my heart was beating so hard, my chest felt so heavy, I knew something life-altering was about to happen. I saw her, and in that second I realized it had to have been some traumatic event in her life that separated us. There had to have been something out of our control that came between us. Nothing—but nothing—could have interfered with how we felt about each other. She passed by me, she smiled, and before she uttered a word I was back on the beach holding her in my arms again.” Peter wiped his face with the palm of his hand. “I’m going to tell Tara I can’t marry her. I can’t be the person she wants. For the first time in my life, I have clarity, and I know exactly what I want, and it isn’t Tara, it isn’t even to be the best architect. I want Maddy.”

  Jake tapped the tabletop nervously. “Are you prepared for the possibility that Maddy might not want you?”

  “I’m not breaking up with Tara because of Maddy, Jake. I’m breaking up with her because I’ve never been in love with her. I knew I cared for her, I wanted us to all be best friends forever, but I never felt the way a man should feel in order to spend his life with a woman. If Maddy doesn’t want me, that’s her decision. I’ll stay a bachelor. But I will not marry anyone else.”

  “Peter.” Jake sat back. “What are you going to do?”

  “I’m going to give Maddy time. I’m going to let her know somehow what I’ve been feeling. She can take it from there. I know, I know—I realize it’s too much to say on an answering machine, if she even has one. I thought maybe I could send a letter to the school, where one of the teachers could read it to her, but I don’t know who she’s closest to or if that would embarrass her.” Peter smiled sheepishly. “I’m actually kind of at a loss. I need to think this one through.”

  Jake leaned forward on his elbows. “You know what, Peter? I’m proud of you. I always wondered what would make you happy, I mean truly happy. I never understood why, even given the best news, it never appeared to make you ecstatic, the way you are now. Now I understand it all. I totally do. There’s just one thing.”

  “Yeah?”

  “What are you going to tell the press in the morning?”

  Chapter 17

  Karma

  It was early morning, and Maddy sat in her kitchen with a cup of coffee. She’d been up for hours after a sleepless night. Boxer sat close by her feet, another coffee mug sat across from hers, and scones lay on a plate. Boxer stood suddenly at attention.

  “It’s me, honey—Kate.” A warm voice rang through the house.

  The kitchen door opened, and Maddy extended her arms.

  Kate immediately pulled her close. “How are you, sweetie? Are you okay?”

  “No. I’m not. I’m sorry I dragged you away from your family this early.”

  “It’s no problem. Sam took the kids out for breakfast. I’m concerned about you.” When Kate let go of Maddy, Boxer stood tall, wagging his tail.

  Kate laughed and
rubbed behind his ears. “Lie down, boy. Relax!” Kate pushed back a chair and sat down, and without warning Maddy began to cry.

  “Oh, honey.” Kate reached behind her for a box of tissues on the kitchen counter. “Why did he come now? Did he tell you? Why the soul-searching?”

  “He said he only recently discovered my whereabouts.”

  “How recently?”

  “A week, I guess. Maybe less. When Daddy found us at the café, he blew up and I asked him to take me home, so I didn’t get the whole story. I just felt as though my trust had been completely violated. It terrified me, made me doubt myself. It’s taken me so long to build confidence in my instincts again, to rely on them so I didn’t have to rely on others. Then that morning I felt like I was starting all over again.”

  “I’m so sorry, honey.” Kate pulled her chair closer to Maddy and sat down, dropping her purse to the floor. “But you can’t allow your feelings to intimidate you. Maybe you trusted him and felt comfortable with him because, somewhere in your subconscious, you felt your attachment to him. Maybe your karma recognized his.”

  “I’ve never believed in karma, Kate.”

  “I do. You recognized him in your heart.” Kate took Maddy’s hand. “That’s why it was so easy.”

  “But yesterday when he came to the house, it confused me even worse.” Maddy squeezed Kate’s hand painfully. “He said he was sorry, that he never meant to deceive me or hurt me, he just wanted to know what had happened to me, if I was okay.”

  “That’s it?”

  “He kissed me.” Maddy paused. “I kissed him back.” Her voice betrayed her. She wiped her tears with her wrist. “Kate, I want to know why he came. Did he come just to see if I was okay or did he want closure or seeking atonement? Then the biggest question is does he want another chance with me?”

  “If he told you he wanted another chance, what would you have said?”

  “I don’t know. He’s Peter, the love of my life. There was no one else in my heart, no one else I ever imagined myself with.”

  “And after being with him, how do you feel now?”

  Maddy turned her head back and forth uncertainly. “When I left Chatham, I was in a state of shock. I was so preoccupied with those migraines, with my eyes, I didn’t think about losing Peter. Part of me assumed I’d be right back, or I’d be in touch with him as soon as it was all over, and I could only think about what could be wrong with me. Was I going to be diagnosed with a terminal illness or was I was going to—to die.” She tipped her head yearningly toward Kate. “I wanted Peter so badly, and yet I didn’t want to pull him down with me. He had a future, a life to live. Then after that surgery was a failure, I was certain he would never want me again. I felt so sorry for myself. Maybe I was just selfish. I don’t know.”

  “Madeline, we were all in shock.”

  “Do you know what I was thinking this morning, Kate? This is the first time I’ve ever really sat down and thought about what it must have been like for him. Isn’t that strange? All these years I’ve been struggling, and that idea never crossed my mind.” Tears ran down Maddy’s cheeks.

  “Well, he wasn’t faced with a life-altering condition. He didn’t lose his sight and have to begin again, relocate, and embark on a whole new life path.”

  “No, but his life was altered in a different way. I was thinking last night about something he said at the school, when I didn’t know who he was. He said he had known what it was like to lose someone, the one he loved most. He said it with such pain in his voice. Katie, he was talking about me. Without any warning or explanation, what we had—what we shared—was gone. I know people live together, have sex, get married, but how many can honestly say they’ve found their soul mate? I can. There were moments, times where we were utterly consumed with one another—spiritually, mentally, physically.”

  “Yet, we never heard from him.”

  “I made Mom promise not to contact them. All I could think of was tying him down to a miserable wreck like me, when he had so much to live for. Kate—” Maddy turned to her. “Did I ruin my own life out of cowardice? Was it only my own insecurity that destroyed everything for both of us?”

  “Oh, darling.” Kate took her hand. “My darling Madeline.” Kate shook her head softly back and forth, tears in her eyes.

  They sat together in silence.

  “Madeline, a lot’s happened in the past couple of days,” Kate finally said, taking Maddy’s hand in both her own. “It’s going to take some time for things to become clear. You’ve been doing so well. Just give it time.”

  “But don’t you understand?” Maddy straightened. “I don’t need time. I need answers. I need to know what he wants.”

  “There must be some way we can find him. It’s not going to hurt us to try, right?”

  “What if we found him? What could I possibly tell him?”

  “If he’s your soul mate, then you won’t need to wonder. I’m going to make a few calls. You just rest.” Kate let go of Maddy’s hands and pulled the Yellow Pages out of the back of a kitchen drawer, reaching for the phone.

  Maddy sat back in her chair. She carefully picked up the coffee pot and poured Kate another cup, one finger over the rim, listening as Kate asked for a Peter Michaels, waited a few seconds, said thank you, and asked again, over and over. When Kate called the last hotel, the delay was a little longer than the others.

  Maddy sat quietly listening to Kate write after she hung up. “Katie, did I ever tell you? He was my first.”

  “Peter?”

  Maddy nodded. “My first and last. We made love on the beach one afternoon at the end of that summer, and that was when I knew I wanted to be with him forever. He was so tender. So much a part of me.”

  Kate leaned forward. “Maddy, what if Peter came to tell you he longed for that, too? What if he really was sincere? Maybe his motive for lying to you—maybe it was real fear, maybe he thought it was the only way he could get close to you.”

  “What if? What if? How do I know the answer to what if? My head hurts from all the what ifs.”

  “Remember, Maddy. We were the ones who moved away.”

  Maddy frowned. “But why didn’t he try to find me or write or call? He says the Grants knew where we were. They still live right down the street from his parents. It’s been twenty years.” Maddy shook her head. “He just couldn’t see himself with me blind and helpless.”

  Kate began to laugh. “You may be blind, but the last thing you are is helpless.”

  “Do you see what I’m doing?” Maddy’s voice broke. “I keep second-guessing myself. One minute I think I understand Peter, and the next minute I don’t know him at all.”

  Kate picked up the phone and started to dial.

  “Who are you calling?”

  “There’s only one person I can call,” Kate said. “Daddy.”

  Chapter 18

  Listing

  Tom Marsden had always put his daughters first in his life. As a professor at the University of Boston, he had worked diligently to make the English Department one of the best in the state, at the same time that he bragged he had changed diapers and assisted in nightly feedings when the girls were young. He was passionate and obstinate, committed and inflexible.

  Kate gripped Maddy’s hand when Tom’s voice came over the line. “Dad, I’m here with Madeline. Yes, she’s fine. But we’ve decided she needs to know more about Peter—”

  Maddy heard his voice come loudly through the phone.

  “I know that, Dad, but if it’s hurting my sister it does involve me. It’s not fair to keep it from her. You have his parents’ number, and Madeline needs to find him.” Kate paused. “Daddy, if you refuse to cooperate you know I can make a few calls to old friends. I can get the number on my own, and you can’t stop me. She has a right to—Dad? Dad!” Kate shouted. “Oh, this is ridiculous.” She slammed the phone
down. “I can’t believe he hung up on me! Don’t worry, I know whom to call. I’ll get it, you’ll see.”

  “What are you going to do?” Maddy put a hand to her chest.

  “What we should have done in the first place.” Kate dialed the phone again. “I’d like a listing in Boston for a Mr. Peter Michaels, please.”

  Maddy’s heart pounded as she heard his name.

  Kate was scribbling something down. “Thank you.” She hung up and turned to Maddy.

  Maddy sat very still in her seat and rested her fingers on the table. After a moment she cleared her throat. “So, are you going to tell me what you just wrote down? Because I can’t see it, remember?”

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Kate laughed. “I got four numbers: Peter A. Michaels, Peter J. Michaels, P. Michaels, and Peter Michaels. Which one should we try first?”

  “I can’t believe how fast—” Maddy paused, her breathing shallow. “Peter was not a J or an A. He didn’t have a middle name. The last two, maybe.”

  “Mr. P. Michaels, tighten your seatbelt.” Kate dialed the number for P. Michaels, and an answering machine played an older man’s voice.

  “That’s definitely not his voice,” Maddy said after a moment. “I’ve just been listening to it for the past two days.”

  “Perfect. Only one left. Shall we?” Kate squeezed Maddy’s hand as she dialed.

  The phone rang three times before the answering machine picked up, and Kate put the phone against Maddy’s ear. Her face brightened, and she nodded. “That’s him. That’s his voice. I’d know it anywhere.” She took the phone from Kate and quickly hung up.

  “So we know his number.” Kate’s voice quivered with excitement. “You have to leave a message.”

  “What should I say, Kate? No, I don’t know what to say.”

  “Just tell him that you want to talk to him. You have to give him your telephone number. Make sure you do that. All right? You ready? We have to do this.” Kate dialed the phone. “It’s ringing.”