The Shoebox

by Lisa Fernandez

  Madeline handed the photo to Sheila, and Sheila adjusted the glasses dangling from a chain around her neck. She lowered the photo and looked at Peter, who was watching the game. She smiled faintly, and then raised her shoulders, unable to speak.

  “I’ll ask Daddy.” Madeline took the photo and, before Sheila could object, raised it to Peter’s face. “Who is this?”

  Peter turned his eyes from the television to his daughter and smiled. He lifted the photo, and his smile faded.

  Maddy stood in front of her home in shorts and a bikini top, squinting a bit and smiling at the camera. Only twenty, with her chocolate-brown hair, her hazel eyes, and the little wrinkle on top of her nose. Madeline was right—she was like an angel. Peter lowered the photo and looked at Sheila, who was suddenly busy with the yearbook. He glanced at Madeline and nodded.

  ““Do you know her, Daddy?”

  He exhaled and gave Madeline the photo back. “A friend of mine. She lived across the street. Her name was Maddy.”

  “Like Madeline? Hey, I like Maddy for short. How come you never call me that?”

  “I don’t know.” Peter was facing the television, his face expressionless.

  “What happened to her? Why did you say her name ‘was’? Did she die?”

  “No, honey! She just moved away. It was a long time ago.”

  “That’s sad.” Madeline knelt at Peter’s side and leaned into his leg. “Was she ever your girlfriend?”

  “Now, look at this one of your Daddy.” Sheila suddenly put a photo in Madeline’s hands. “Look how sweet he was—”

  Peter took the opportunity to move down the couch closer to Richard, his heart pounding. When he lifted his beer to his mouth, his hand shook.

  Madeline shuffled through the photographs next to Sheila and tossed back her hair with that gesture that reminded Peter so much of Tara. “Grandma, what are we going to do tomorrow?”

  “Your grandfather and dad are going to check on the boat, and they said we can come along. We’ll have lunch in town.”

  “We will school you in the Michaels family trade.” Richard made a fist in the air. “We of the sea!”

  “Oh, honey.” Sheila shook her grey head at him. “Your grandfather’s such a ham. We’re going to have fun. Then in the morning I’ll make us all blueberry pancakes.” Sheila smiled and stroked Madeline’s face.

  “Do you make them as good as Daddy’s?” Madeline beamed up at her. “Cause he’s my hero.”

  “And where do you think that recipe came from, young lady?”

  Madeline leaned over and touched Peter’s leg, looking up at him from the floor. “My Daddy,” she said sweetly.

  But Peter was miles away.

  New Year’s Eve 1965

  Peter and Maddy sat in his car by the curb in front of the Marsden house with its black shutters over white in the moonlight and the azalea pots covered with small caps of snow. Maddy shivered as he fussed with the heater and wrapped his new woolen scarf around her neck, rubbing her arms up and down.

  “Are you feeling warmer? I hope you don’t mind that we left early.” Peter took her hands in his.

  “Honestly, I didn’t want to be around all those people when the ball dropped. There’s only one person I want to be with on New Year’s Eve.” Maddy laughed quietly as her teeth chattered.

  “Maybe this will help warm you.” Peter whispered, leaning in to kiss her. She kissed him back and ran her hands through his long, silky hair. They were burning against each other in the dark car, snow falling silently around them. After a long minute she pulled away.

  “Don’t stop,” he whispered dizzily.

  “I have to go, Peter. I don’t want to, honestly. I’d much rather stay.”

  “Won’t that be heaven?” He nuzzled her soft hair. “When we can go to bed together every night and wake up in each other’s arms. Knowing that even when we’re apart we’ll be together soon in our own home.”

  “It feels so far away.”

  “Nonsense. I can see us married in a year and a half.”

  Maddy lifted her body away from his, her back pressed into the steering wheel. She touched his face with her finger and kissed his chin. “I love that you’re planning ahead, thinking about our lives together. Usually that’s something guys just say. Girls are the ones who think about when and how long, things like that.”

  “Are you calling me a girl?” Peter growled at her.

  Maddy kissed his bottom lip, pulling slightly. “I love you so much.” She kissed him again. “Tell me what it’s going to be like.”

  “Being married?”

  “For instance: Sunday nights.”

  Peter laughed a little. “Well—” He thought for a moment. “Sometimes if there’s a game we’ll have Jake and his new girlfriend Amanda over for deep-dish pizza.”

  “Company already?” Maddy laughed. “But they have to leave as soon as the game is over.”

  “Certainly. Then we’ll clean up side-by-side, obviously.”

  “You do the dishes. I don’t like to do dishes.”

  “I’ll do the dishes. Then we can—”

  “How about dinner? Do we go out on Sunday nights—do we have sandwiches?”

  Peter shook his head. “There’s only one thing to eat on Sunday nights. Pancakes.”

  “At night?” Maddy’s voice went up.

  “That’s the very best time.” Peter shifted under her weight, his hands on her hips. “I make these great blueberry pancakes. I use plenty of butter so the edges get golden brown and a little crunchy, and then I cook them until the blueberries are about to pop from the heat. I warm the syrup, and I serve them with a tall glass of cold milk or coffee.”

  “That sounds great—”

  “—And we can eat them in bed while I have my way with you.”

  “After we eat, of course,” Maddy said fastidiously. “I wouldn’t waste blueberries.”

  “Naturally.” He leaned in to kiss her. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and they kissed and kissed, lost in each other, in the heat and electricity and timelessness. Then he pulled back and whispered against her lips. “Are you wearing it?”

  She pulled his woolen scarf away from her neck and showed him the shiny silver heart dangling with its small diamond. “I never take it off.”

  Peter smiled and looked into her eyes. His smile faded as he looked down at her hands, and he slowly removed her left glove.

  “What is it, Peter?” Her eyes widened.

  “Maddy, it’s time for me to ask,” he said after a moment, lacing her fingers with his own. In the distance they heard bells begin to chime and fireworks popping. “This is our moment. Madeline Marsden, will you marry me?”

  Maddy closed her eyes for a second, then opened them and smiled, crinkling her nose. “Peter Michaels, you know I will.”

  “You won’t get tired of me and leave me for a better cook?”

  “Never! Never! Never!” She tightened her arms around his neck and kissed him emphatically between each word.

  He kissed her back and touched the dangling silver heart. “I promise you, Maddy. A gold ring will follow the diamond.”

  1999

  “Dad!”

  “I’m sorry, honey. What where you saying?” Peter shook his head, startled.

  “Where were you?”

  He smiled tenderly at her. “Thinking about pancakes.”

  “You were listening to me!” Madeline got up and sat on Peter’s lap, and he hugged her hard. He wondered if he would ever be able to stop. He could still hear her young voice only weeks earlier, sobbing in the night behind her closed bedroom door.

  Chapter 34

  Balance

  The Charles Moore Arena was just as Peter remembered it—the music and lights, the smells and the glare of the ice rink under the stars.

/>   “Uncle Peter, can you help me?” Hope lifted a foot with an ice skate and its long laces dangling.

  “Of course.” He knelt in front of her. “The trick is to wrap them around the ankle a bit. Keep them snug and then lace the top ones. They support your ankles, and the laces won’t come undone.”

  “Daddy says you used to play hockey in high school.”

  “A very long time ago.”

  “Were you good?”

  “What do you think?”

  Hope smiled and kissed his cheek. “You were good! Daddy says you were a hound dog. Thanks, Uncle Peter.” She stood and sailed into the rink while Peter watched with his own skates in his hands. “Janie! Madeline!” she called. “Wait up!”

  “Peter, you were supposed to let us treat.” Amanda appeared behind him, her face rosy in the cold air. Wrinkles radiated from the corners of her eyes now, and if he looked closely he could see the traces of tension across her forehead, but her eyes still sparkled with the same familiar warmth. “Jake!”

  “I’m sorry, babe.” Jake leapt up the steps behind her. “Mr. Ice Man almost knocked me over getting at his skates.”

  “Honestly, Amanda,” Peter said, “It’s not my fault he’s a beginner.”

  “I can skate!” Jake lunged into Peter with one shoulder. “Just because I didn’t race around high school hitting on the girls like Mario Andretti flirting with my long, lovely lady-hair—”

  Peter grabbed Jake in a headlock.

  “Dad! Uncle Jake! Grow up, you guys.” The girls skated past, laughing.

  “Buy me a hot chocolate later.” Peter gave Jake a final squeeze and released him. “We’ll call it even.”

  “Where did the kids go?” Jake glanced around the rink as Amanda and Peter sat on the bench to lace up their skates.

  “I helped Hope lace up, and Janie was already out there pulling Madeline around. I must say, those two take care of Madeline like big sisters.” Peter stood on his skates and watched the girls go by again holding hands. He smiled.

  “I can’t believe Madeline turns fourteen next week,” Amanda said. “Just yesterday Hope and Janie were babies, and now I have teenagers. Crazy!” She held her hand out, and while Jake was busy with his skates Peter extended an arm to her. In a moment she was up on her feet.

  “Can you go solo, or do you need help?” Peter asked her.

  “Let’s see—” Amanda let go and wobbled into his arms. She laughed out loud.

  “Babe, I told you to stop drinking.” Jake smiled and took her arm. He shoved Peter ahead of them onto the ice.

  “I’m going, I’m going!” Peter pretended to flail. “You don’t have to push. Remember, I’m not seventeen anymore dude and I have bad knees.”

  “Be a man, Gretsky. Show my woman how good you skate.” Jake and Amanda slid around him on the ice, Jake holding her arms as she tried to stabilize.

  “Oh, the pressure!” Peter called out, and he took off suddenly and skated past them so smoothly and quickly that Amanda jumped and screamed. Peter turned and laughed when he saw her face.

  “You bum!” Amanda was laughing so hard she could barely stand up.

  “I told you he was fast!” Jake held onto her.

  The girls rushed, screeching, across the ice toward Peter.

  “Daddy, you look so good skating! My dad’s cool, huh?” Madeline hung on his arm, her face turned up smiling into his from the bundle of his old woolen scarf around her neck.

  “Come with me, sweetheart.” Peter took her hand and held her by the waist, and they began to skate gracefully around the rink. Peter picked up speed and turned to face her as he skated backward, smiling to see her brown hair blow back as she followed him.

  “I want to do that,” Amanda said to Jake, pointing after them.

  “Let’s try.” Jake took Amanda by both hands, but as he let go of one hand to skate backward. Amanda lost her balance and fell, and Jake fell on the ice next to her, arms and legs flying. He leaned over and kissed her sloppily while she laughed.

  Peter let Madeline go sliding into the arms of Hope and Janie, and he bent low into long, hard strokes across the ice toward Jake and Amanda. He swerved neatly to a stop in front of them. “Guys, get a room!”

  “Peter, I want to skate like you,” Amanda whined. “Jake isn’t as good.”

  “Nice! Knock me down, and then say I can’t skate?”

  Jake stood, and together he and Peter pulled Amanda up. Jake brushed ice crystals off his legs and Amanda.

  “Let me show you how it’s done.” Peter smiled fiendishly at Jake. “Sorry, man, you’re dust in my wake. I’m taking your woman for a spin.”

  Peter took Amanda’s arms, skating backward slowly in front of her as he steadied her between his hands. At first she hunched with her legs apart, but he coached her to straighten and bend her knees slightly, and as she followed him they began to pick up speed.

  “See, you’re doing it,” he said encouragingly.

  “I’m skating, Peter. I’m flying!”

  “Don’t get carried away, now. If I let go, you really would go flying.”

  Madeline skated past laughing between Hope and Janie, Jake pushing them from behind. Amanda turned to look and lost her balance, but Peter caught her and straightened her, and before she hit the floor he was skating alongside her holding her by the waist.

  “That was close!” Amanda clung to him laughing, but she lowered her voice quickly. “Now that we have a moment to ourselves—talk to me, Peter. Tara’s gotten a clean bill of health from her doctors. The cancer’s gone, and she’s off to her ‘recovery’ weekend in the Berkshires. I know we’re all feeling a new lease on life, you three especially. But she also told me things had changed for you two during that time. She finally had come to grips with how you both feel about each other. I think after all these years my sister has finally grown up.”

  “She’s come a long way.” Peter skated smoothly by Amanda’s side, one arm around her. “We’re all just grateful she’s safe and we have each other.”

  “I know, babe, but underneath that macho exterior lies a man who longs for something more than platonic friendship. Something deep.”

  “I have what I need, Amanda. You know it’s never been about sacrificing my life for Tara’s. It was always about Madeline. I belong with my girl. And with you guys, of course.” He laughed, glancing at Jake and the girls in a tangle on the ice as they passed them. “Okay, maybe not so much Jake.”

  “Stop joking, Peter. I wish you would let us help you more—take more time off work, spend evenings with our friends. You need to rely on other people.”

  “I’m simply focused on my daughter now. She needs me. She was so terrified when she thought she was losing her mother, Amanda. I’ll never forget the look on her face the night of this last surgery. It’s been a tough year for all of us. But thankfully Tara is past the worst of it now, and Madeline can finally concentrate on being a teen.”

  “But Peter—what about Maddy?”

  Peter glanced at Amanda, the pain rushing to his face. “Why do you bring her up?”

  She clutched his hands. “I know how you felt about her.”

  “That’s ancient history.” He paused, skating more slowly with her hands in his. “Madeline needs her parents.”

  Amanda glanced to where Hope and Janie were dragging Madeline by both arms across the ice, all three shrieking and laughing uncontrollably, and turned back to Peter with an involuntary smile. “Are you certain you’re all right?”

  “Sure. I’m used to skating backward.”

  She laughed. “You know what I mean.”

  “I think the girls are enjoying themselves, don’t you?” Peter turned quickly and pulled Amanda around, and she let out a scream. He laughed. “Stop worrying about me. I’ll let you know when I’m desperate.”

  “You’re insan
e.” She laughed in his arms.

  “I can skate faster if you want me to.”

  “Oh, you’re scaring me!”

  “You asked for it!” He began to pick up speed, skating faster and faster, and Amanda screamed all the way across the ice straight into Jake’s arms.

  Chapter 35

  Honored

  It was early evening in Denver, the mountaintops still pink with the sunset. The lamplight shone down on Maddy on the corner of her bed and caught golden highlights in the deep chocolate brown of her hair. Maddy appeared thinner now, her cheeks hollowed and her hair cut short beneath her chin. Maddy smiled as Kate bent over her and carefully applied her lipstick.

  Sam came through the bedroom doorway and paused to watch.

  “What are you doing?” Kate asked over her shoulder.

  “Just looking at the beauty queen.” Sam smiled and touched Maddy’s arm. “You look wonderful, Madeline.”

  “You always have something kind to say.” Maddy sat very still in an antique lace blouse and cream-colored skirt that lay across her knees, her feet close together in ivory sandals.

  Kate clicked her tongue. “If you don’t stop smiling you’re going to be wearing the lipstick on your teeth.”

  “I’m sorry, Katie. But I can’t stop thinking how ridiculous I must look. I’m too old for this.”

  “You’re fifty-five, not a hundred!” Kate laughed.

  “You girls!” Sam smiled fondly at the two heads close together, so similar and so different. “Guys don’t need any of that stuff.”

  “You know, we’re working here.” Kate nudged Sam with her elbow.

  Sam caught the elbow and kissed it. “I just wanted to tell you your parents have arrived.”

  Kate turned to smile as Sam walked out of the room. When he was gone, she tapped Maddy on the cheek. “You are not old, my girl. You look fabulous. Luckily enough there are a lot of single fathers at that school.”

  “Kate, please.” Maddy put up her hand.

  “Please what?” Kate flicked Maddy’s cheeks with the blush brush. “Face it—you’re still an attractive woman. Why is that so impossible to comprehend?”