The Shoebox

by Lisa Fernandez

  “Sweetheart.” Peter sighed. “Sometimes people think they can keep the ones they love safe from pain and grief if they just try hard enough, if they just take enough of the burden on their own shoulders.” He paused. “Anyway, she did write. Well, her mother did. But your grandparents—” He paused. “You have to understand. I was a very impulsive when I was young. Passionate! Your Uncle Jake says I had a sort of nervous breakdown after she disappeared. I started ranting about not caring about anything but going after Maddy, just unreasonable, uncontrollable. It was the middle of the Vietnam War, and I’d have been drafted if I had dropped out of school. So your grandparents—”

  Madeline looked down at the table. “But she was so sweet in the photo, so happy. Didn’t you do anything to help her?”

  He shoved his chair back unexpectedly and hit the wall. “I would have! I would have done everything possible! But we’re talking about the 1960s. We didn’t have computers and access to things like we have today. We didn’t have the Internet. It wasn’t so easy to locate people then. It took me twenty years to find her!”

  Madeline paused, touching the table with her fingertips. Suddenly she looked up at Peter where he leaned against the wall. “Were you with Mom by then?”

  “When I finally found Maddy again? Yes. I was. I didn’t keep secrets from your mother.” Peter put his hand to his face. “I was perfectly honest with her!”

  “You weren’t in love with her.” She looked at him, her eyes wide.

  “I thought I was. I was over forty; we were a good foursome, best friends with Uncle Jake and Aunt Amanda. We were happy—enough.”

  They were quiet. Peter made his way to the sink and picked up a glass, running cold water from the faucet. He drank it while Madeline watched, and then he wet his hand and touched his forehead, running his fingers through his long hair.

  Madeline’s chair creaked. “So what happened? How did you find Maddy again after all those years?”

  Peter shrugged. “Something I found. A shoebox I had put away long ago.” He glanced at the shopping bag, and Madeline followed his gaze.

  “It’s in that package, isn’t it? What you want me to deliver.”

  Peter looked at her and nodded silently.

  Madeline sat back in her chair, rubbing her temples. “I can’t talk anymore. I need time to think. I need to sort things in my mind and on my own.” She stood and took her purse from the counter, digging for her keys.

  “Where are you going?” He reached the table. “Madeline, please. We need to talk. You need to understand.” He gripped the back of a chair.

  “I’ve heard enough.” Madeline went to the kitchen door. She paused and looked back at him over her shoulder. “I’m going out.” Then the screen door closed behind her with a slam.

  Peter followed her to the door and watched as she slid behind the wheel of her car. She bent her head, the car started, and she turned to back down the driveway. He opened the screen door and walked step-by-step onto the porch. He sat down on one of the rocking chairs, closed his eyes, and breathed in the warm August air.

  The sound of Madeline’s car pulling into the driveway hours later made his heart jump. She got out and walked to the porch, his eyes on her. She climbed the steps and sat in the other rocking chair.

  Peter met her gaze, and when she glanced up at him her eyes were red. He extended his trembling hand, and she reached to take it.

  “Your mother and I were best friends, sweetheart.” He gripped her hand. “You were the most important thing in the world to both of us. If I had the chance, I would do it all over again if it meant I would have you. I wasn’t living two lives and, no, it wasn’t the conventional family picture, but it worked for us. You knew from a very young age your mother and I were not a regular husband and wife.

  “Marrying would have ruined us. We both knew that. I never stood in the way of her finding happiness with anyone else, she made her choices, and I respected them. When she passed, she told me to go find Maddy. We understood each other, honey. Now it’s finally time to tell you about it.”

  Madeline looked away.

  Peter leaned across the space between their rocking chairs. “Madeline,”

  He took her chin between his fingers. “- you have to understand I had to be a father to you, one you could count on and be proud of. I knew my priorities. It was always you first. Always. There are sacrifices we make for the most important people in our lives and sometimes we have to choose which people those are.”

  Madeline looked up at Peter, his eyes were filled with tears. She smiled slightly. “I may not always understand you, but I know one thing. Even when you make me so angry that I could just scream, I still love you.” She got up from her rocking chair and knelt to embrace him. “Don’t you get it? Don’t you see? You’re the first thought I have in the start of the day and the last. Why do you think I call you a million times a day?”

  “Because you miss me.” Peter smiled down into her eyes.

  Chapter 44

  Longing

  Peter hesitated at the top of the brick stoop. He glanced back at the tinted windows of the Lincoln town car idling by the curb with Madeline’s head at the window. Beyond her, the mountains of the Denver skyline rose against the blue sky.

  “I can’t believe you insisted on coming,” Madeline had said over and over, even as the plane touched down at the Denver airport. “Daddy, think of your arthritis.”

  “Life is shorter than it seems, sweetheart.” Peter had patted her hand, smiling indulgently, as he had so often seen Richard smile at him so long ago. “When you’re my age you’ll understand.”

  Now Peter stood in the late afternoon sunlight and rang the doorbell. He heard voices inside.

  An older, balding man with broad shoulders and a warm smile appeared at the door. “Can I help you?”

  Peter was opening his mouth to reply when he saw Maddy come through an archway into the foyer. His heart leapt. There it was again, that sharp palpitation that pulsed into the lower part of his throat, like nothing else he ever felt. “I’m here to see Maddy.”

  “Who is it, Sam?” Maddy crossed the floor quickly, her face alert.

  “Peter Michaels. Maddy.” Peter lifted his voice. “It’s me—Peter.”

  Maddy’s hand went to her chest as she stopped short.

  “Peter Michaels?” Sam repeated. He looked over his shoulder at Maddy. “Your Peter?”

  She nodded quietly.

  “I know I’m unexpected, but please—” Peter directed his question to Maddy. “May I come in?”

  Maddy nodded to Sam, her face still in the shadow of his shoulder.

  “I’m sorry.” Sam put out his hand. “I’m Sam. Maddy’s brother-in-law.”

  “Of course. Kate’s husband.” Peter extended his hand and shook Sam’s with affection.

  “Yes, I was.” Sam said somberly.

  Peter looked at Maddy, whose eyes filled with tears. “I’m so sorry to hear that Sam. I had no idea.”

  “Thank you Peter. Please come in.”

  Peter stepped inside as Maddy remained standing in the same position, frozen in her place.

  “How are you, Maddy?”

  Sam glanced from Peter to Maddy and stepped back. Maddy came forward into the light, and Peter caught his breath.

  She stood slightly smaller than Peter remembered, still as graceful as ever, with her perfect posture so like her mother’s. Her chocolate-colored hair was pulled in a bun with streaks of grey at the temples, and she wore faded jeans and a comfortable cotton shirt that opened to reveal a white T-shirt. Her figure was slender, her skin porcelain white, and her face delicately defined.

  Peter, frozen at the sight of her, started suddenly at the sound of footsteps on the brick stoop behind him. He turned and smiled, his face lighting involuntarily. “Maddy, Sam. This is my daughter Madeline.”


  Maddy reached to touch Madeline’s hand and smiled at the feel of her engagement ring. “I can’t tell you how I’ve wanted to meet you, “Madeline said gently.

  Madeline looked at Peter, her eyes softening.

  Peter glanced toward the archway into the living room through which Maddy had come. The house was small and spacious with minimal furniture and chairs. Only a brown velvet couch stood against one wall with a blue tufted chair at its side, a cozy and comfortable arrangement. There were no coffee tables or smaller items that might get in the way for Maddy.

  Maddy took Sam’s arm. “Peter, Madeline. Won’t you come in? Would you like a cup of tea?”

  Sam guided Maddy through the living room toward a table under a far window that looked out on a small garden of late, overblown roses and fading hydrangeas, where the afternoon sun lay across a grey stone patio along a neatly-painted garage wall.

  “I’m going to excuse myself, if you all don’t mind.” Sam held Maddy’s chair for her. “I have some work to do in the garage. You call if you need anything.” Sam touched Maddy’s arm, and she smiled up at him, her eyes crinkling at the corners. She covered his hand briefly with her own.

  Madeline leaned on Peter’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, but I really have to run as well. I have a meeting.” She touched Maddy’s hand, where it lay pale on the table. “It’s been so wonderful to meet you. Thank you for opening your home to us.” Madeline nudged Peter and handed him the bulky paper bag she had been holding under her arm. “I’ll call to find out what time to pick up my father.”

  “Good luck, sweetheart.” Peter kissed her.

  “You too, pops.” Madeline’s eyes twinkled up at him.

  “Wait, Madeline.” Maddy stood and put out her arms, and for one long, golden moment the two women Peter loved most in the world held each other close.

  Maddy reached up to touch her face gently.

  “It is a pleasure to meet you, Peter’s daughter. You must be a beauty. I can just tell.”

  “You are too kind. You are the true beauty.” Madeline leaned in to hug Maddy and then she turned to her father and smiled.

  The front door closed behind Madeline, and the house became quiet. Peter studied Maddy’s face as she reached behind her for her chair and sat again in a graceful motion. She had aged beautifully. Her face was not as angular as it once had been, but her features were still as soft and fine as he remembered.

  Maddy rubbed her hands nervously.

  “So how are you?” Peter pulled out a chair and sat across from her. “You look wonderful.”

  Maddy reached up and smoothed her hair back from her temples. “I’m doing well, thank you.”

  “I know I caught you off-guard.” Peter pulled at his collar. “However, when my daughter told me she was coming to Denver to research the college here, I realized I had no choice but to come with her.” He laughed. “I can be a little pig-headed.”

  “I would agree.” Maddy smiled. “May I make you some coffee?”

  “I’m actually fine, thank you. We had breakfast at the airport.”

  Maddy was silent.

  Peter fidgeted. After a moment he cleared his throat. “Are you upset that I came? That I’m here?” he said softly after a moment.

  “No. I’m not upset. I guess the word I’m looking for is shock. I’m a little numb—Peter.” She said his name musingly. “Peter Michaels.”

  He heard again that familiar tone he had heard the first time she had ever said his name, as though she had been saying it all his life. “I’m sorry.” He pushed back his chair. “Perhaps Madeline was right. Perhaps I should have just sent the shoebox.”

  “What shoebox?”

  Peter lifted the paper bag from the floor beneath his chair and pulled out the box. He set it on the table and opened it.

  “What is it?” She reached to touch its sides.

  “My mementos from when we were together.”

  “Really?” Maddy’s voice caught in her throat. “May I?”

  “That’s why it’s here.” Peter folded his hands awkwardly in front of him as she pulled the shoebox across the table to her.

  Maddy reached inside. She shook her head as Peter began to speak. “I’ll tell you what I find, okay? Then you can describe it to me. There’s a postcard.” She ran her fingers over it lightly. “A small horizontal stamp curling up on the corner.” She began to laugh. “Lipstick. What does it say?”

  “It says, ‘Press lips here.’ ”

  Her clouded hazel eyes were shining. “That’s from when I went to the Outer Banks with my family that time. I remember.” She held it to her chest. Then she reached into the shoebox again, nodding. “There are photos, the old sticky kind with the crinkled edges. Yes, I remember them.”

  He smiled. “Here’s one of you in your navy bikini with your hands on your hips striking a sexy pose. That bikini was something else, I’ll tell you, especially for 1965.”

  Maddy smiled. “Oh, to be young again.”

  “If anyone could pull it off, it was you.” Peter shook his head. He felt the old heat course through his body.

  Her cheeks changed color. “What else?”

  “One of me that you apparently took.” Peter hesitated as Maddy began to giggle. “Playing my guitar.”

  Maddy reached for the photo and caressed it with her fingers. “Why do you laugh? You used to sing to me. I could listen to you play guitar all day.”

  Peter smiled. “You were bewitched by my charm.”

  “Perhaps you were a devil.”

  They laughed out loud at the same time. Maddy clasped her hands and leaned forward girlishly. “What else?”

  “One of both of us. I’m holding you in my arms while you pretend to struggle as I snap your picture.”

  “Oh, that.” Maddy flushed and waved a hand. “You were always trying to snap my picture when I didn’t want you to. What are these in the bottom of the box—ticket stubs?”

  He paused and coughed briefly. “The ice-skating rink. New Year’s Eve, 1965.”

  “Peter.” Maddy put the ticket stubs to her lips. She closed her eyes gently. “A snowflake fell between us.”

  He nodded, unable to speak, while she held the tickets to her mouth for a long moment.

  “There is one more item.” Peter pushed back his chair with an effort. “I brought something I thought you might like to have. It’s old, and I know you can’t see it, but in my heart I thought you would want it.” He pulled the paper bag from under his chair again and removed the old framed picture from Frani’s. “Do you remember that photograph that hung over our booth in the coffee shop the day we first met?”

  Maddy turned her face to him as he spoke. She reached out, and he placed the frame carefully in her hands.

  “I went there a week ago and found out that the owner had passed on and no one claimed it. So I asked if I could have it.”

  “They gave it to you, just like that?”

  “Yes.” His face was quiet. “Just like that.”

  “Frani.” Maddy touched the dusty glass tenderly with one finger. “And Michael.”

  “You remember.” Peter watched her as she traced the old frame where the miter joint was pulling apart.

  “They were in love, but they were too shy to say it. So they waited and waited until they were each sure the other felt the same way. I said he was chicken.” She began to smile. “And you were annoyed with me.”

  Peter laughed out loud. “He was not chicken! He was simply waiting for the right moment.”

  “You twisted that leather bracelet you used to wear.” She smiled softly. “No one ever claimed this?” Her eyes became pained. “I love it so much. Thank you.”

  Peter bowed his head to her. “I knew you would.”

  They sat together over the old photograph as Maddy’s fingers moved, leaving trails
in the dust on the glass. Peter felt the jitters once more in his stomach.

  Finally Maddy cleared her throat. “So how is everyone? How’s your sister Amy, with her hair always in her eyes, secretly watching us out the front window every time we said good-night?”

  Peter smiled. “She’s wonderful. She married a chiropractor, and they have two children in high school, a veterinarian and a marine biologist.”

  “Little Amy the mother of teens? That’s hard to believe! How about your friends—how is Jake? Do you still see him?”

  “All the time. He’s well, really well. He married a wonderful woman, Amanda.”

  Maddy looked up joyfully. “Did he? Of course he did! And they’re happy?”

  “Fat and sassy, with two beautiful daughters and more grandchildren than I can count.”

  “Oh.” Maddy sighed. “Such a blessing. I’m so pleased for them all.”

  “And you. Sam lives here with you?” Peter tugged at his collar.

  “Yes. When Katie passed, I inherited a big brother. I should say a bodyguard, actually, because that’s how he acts.”

  “Boxer,” Peter whispered.

  Maddy clicked her tongue. “My Boxer. I miss him so. That’s what makes life bittersweet, I guess. Loving so much, even those you know someday you will lose.”

  Peter held back the tears. It had not been fair. He knew she had always intended to have children. She bent her face away so the afternoon light through the window caught the grey in her hair and the golden strands among the dark brown that shone on her finely shaped head. She had such a fragile face, and yet so strong.

  He would have given anything to spare her the need for that strength, and still he was so thankful she had it.

  Chapter 45

  Deliverance

  Peter heard the shower running from the kitchen as he whisked butter into the béarnaise sauce. He checked the filet mignons on the grill.

  “Just about done.” He licked his fingers. He had once loved to entertain all the time, but now he was cooking the most important dinner of his life.