Millions of Pebbles

by Roberta Kagan

  One of the girls he’d become infatuated with was his law partner's niece, who came to visit on Christmas, and the other was a girl who worked in the hat shop where he bought his hats. Neither of them ever knew of his secret desire. And although his heart fluttered when he saw them, he never let things progress. Instead, he made excuses why he was unable to attend his business partner's holiday party. And to avoid the other girl, he found an alternative shop to buy his hats.

  In the beginning of his marriage he was satisfied, if not completely happy, with his wife. She was obedient. And she was not an altogether bad person even if she did brag to the other women about how much money he made. And even though she did spend his hard-earned money far too readily, she took care of his home and family. But for years now, since his twins were born, he’d felt as if something inside him had died. His sexual desire for his wife had completely faded. He began to think it was just a symptom of aging. But since his tryst with Ilsa in the barn he began to feel alive again. His sexual juices had begun to stir. He tried masturbating to quench his needs. But all that served to do was make him want Ilsa even more. He yearned for her so deeply that he could not return to the city. He lied to his wife and told her that he was not ready to go home because he was still prostrate with grief over losing his father.

  “You take the children and go home,” he told his wife. “I want to stay on here for a while. If I am here, I can help my brother with the farm. And besides that, I need to be close to my father’s grave. At least for a little while longer.”

  “I don’t mind staying with you.”

  “No. I want you to go back. Take the children and go back.”

  “But why? And what about your job?”

  “I need to be here alone. I just need you to do as I ask. As far as my job is concerned, I will speak to them. I am a partner, and I’ve never taken a holiday, so they will understand. You go home now. Your mother and sisters are in the city. They will help you with the twins. Besides, I think having the children around is too hard on my brother and his wife right now. I think seeing the children is a constant reminder to my brother’s wife that she is barren.” He was firm. And his wife, a girl who had always done as he told her to do, finally agreed to go home.

  Then Peter told his brother his plans to send his family back to the city. “I’m going to stay for a short while to help you on the farm,” Peter told his brother, Alexander.

  His brother was surprised as Peter had never shown any interest in farming. But working the farm alone was a daunting task, so he just nodded and said, “Thank you. I could certainly use the help.”

  After Peter’s wife and children boarded the train back to the city, Peter left the train station and made his way to the Guhr family farm.

  “Peter?” Adelle quickly smoothed her hair as she opened the door. “What brings you here?”

  “I came to buy some things for my brother and his wife.”

  “What can I get for you?” she asked. Her hands were trembling, so she tried to hide them in her apron.

  “Milk, cheese.” He smiled. This will be easy. I can see it in her eyes. She is very attracted to me. And Ilsa’s right, she’s no beauty, but she’s not a bad-looking woman for her age. Still not nearly as exciting as her stepdaughter.

  They went out to the cooler by the barn. She bent over to retrieve a round wheel of cheese.

  “Let me help you. A beautiful and delicate woman like you shouldn’t be lifting something so heavy. You might hurt yourself.” He smiled. Her lips quivered as she returned his smile.

  “Thank you,” she stammered.

  “I don’t want you to think me forward, but well, I don’t know how to say this . . .”

  She looked away.

  Then he continued, “I sent my family home. But I stayed on. Do you know why?”

  She shook her head.

  “I stayed on because, well, because I wanted to get to know you. I realize we are both married. I realize that I have no right to speak to you this way, and you are probably going to slap my face, but I am very attracted to you. I think you are beautiful. I have wanted to say this since the first moment I saw you.”

  Adelle glanced up at him. “Oh!” she stammered, suddenly shocked and embarrassed. Her face turned red and hot. You should go,” she said in a soft but unconvincing voice.

  “Yes, I probably should.”

  She nodded. “Let me get you the milk.”

  “By the way, when do you go to the market?”

  “What?”

  “Do you go into town?”

  “Not often. Why?”

  “Have you ever been to a nice restaurant?”

  “I’ve never been to any restaurant.”

  “I’d love to take you.” He smiled.

  “Peter, I don’t think so.”

  “Oh, come on. I promise to behave.”

  Adelle quickly glanced into his eyes. He was so handsome. His clothes were tailored, and his shoes looked like fine leather. She compared him to her husband. Hans was a farmer, dirty and sweating most of the time. He had never been a very demonstrative man. And he had never been one to openly show appreciation or affection. She assumed Hans loved her, but he never told her so. In fact, in all the years they’d spent together he’d never once said she was beautiful. It would be so exciting to go to a real restaurant. I don’t have a nice enough dress though. I would have to wear my church dress. It’s wrong. All this is very wrong, and I must be mad for even considering it.

  “I can’t go to a restaurant with you. What if someone sees us?”

  “I know a very secluded little place where no one would ever find us.”

  She looked at him and thought about his wife’s beautiful clothes. Her fine leather shoes and handbag. Her expensive hat. She thought about her own handmade dresses and how she had to beg Hans for money to buy fabric when she needed a new one. And he’d always insisted that she fix her old clothes rather than buying anything new. In fact, it had been years since she had made a dress for herself.

  “Dinner?” she said, cocking her head. “In a restaurant? What would I wear?”

  “It doesn’t matter. You would look beautiful in whatever you chose to wear.”

  She hesitated for a moment. I will not be young forever, she thought. Then she said, “All right. I‘ll go.”

  CHAPTER 47

  Adelle put on the only decent dress she owned, then she walked into the kitchen where Ilsa was shelling peas. “Ilsa,” she said, “you must watch your brother for me for a few hours. I have to go into town.”

  “At this time of evening?” Ilsa toyed with her.

  “Yes,” Adelle said. Then when Ilsa gave her a questioning look, she added, “Yes, Ilsa. I don’t want to tell your father yet because I don’t want to frighten him. But I am going to see a doctor. I’ve been having female problems.”

  Since Adelle almost never left the house without her son, Ilsa assumed her stepmother was going to meet Peter. She had to cover her mouth with her hand to hide her smile. Everything is going according to my plan, she thought.

  “Of course I’ll watch him, Mother. You go on,” Ilsa said in her sweetest voice. “I hope everything is all right.”

  Ilsa heard the door open to the little farmhouse at nine o’clock in the evening. She giggled a little as she lay in her bed. I wonder if my stupid father will believe she went to see a doctor in his office at this time of night. Ilsa wished she could hear the conversation between her father and Adelle, but they were too quiet.

  The following morning, Ilsa made her way to Peter’s father’s farm with a freshly baked pie. “I just wanted to drop in and see how you were all doing.” She ignored Peter addressing his sister-in-law instead.

  “As best we can without Dad,” she said.

  “I understand,” Ilsa said. “Well, my stepmother asked me to bring this over.” She handed the pie to the woman. “I hope you enjoy it.”

  “Tell her thanks so much. I am sure we will.”

  Ilsa
smiled then she left. As she was walking back home, Peter caught up with her.

  “You sure do walk fast,” he said, out of breath from running. “I am glad you came by. I was hoping to see you.”

  She stopped and turned to look at him. “And? Did you ever do anything about what we talked about?” Ilsa wanted to be sure that Peter and Adelle had seen each other the previous night.

  “In fact, yes. I did. I was going to tell you in church on Sunday. I saw Adelle last night.”

  “And? Did you?”

  “Have intercourse?”

  “Yes, did you?”

  “Yes,” he said.

  “Good. That’s perfect. When do you plan to see her again?”

  “I don’t know. What about us? What about you and I?”

  She giggled. “One more time with Adelle. Then I’ll keep my promise to you. But this time I want to know where and when you are going to meet her. I have to catch the two of you together to verify that you have really done what I asked.”

  “You’re not serious?”

  “Oh, yes I am.”

  “Meet me at the creek tonight at ten. I’ll go and see Adelle this afternoon while your father is out working. I’ll arrange a time and place. I’ll give you all the details tonight.”

  She nodded. He touched her hand then brought it to his lips and kissed her palm. Ilsa pulled her hand away. “Not yet,” she said.

  That night, Ilsa arrived at the creek fifteen minutes late. Peter was waiting for her, pacing anxiously.

  “So, did you arrange to meet Adelle?”

  “Yes, your father is going into town on Monday. He should be gone for the entire day. Adelle is planning to send you and the baby to visit her sister, your aunt. She said she will arrange to be alone, and I can come and see her at your house.”

  “What time are you coming?”

  “Early afternoon. About one”

  “Perfect. Take her to bed, and keep her there all day if you can.”

  He grabbed her and pulled her into his arms. Then he kissed her. She let out that high-pitched cackle that had become her sound of triumph. “Soon enough,” she promised.

  CHAPTER 48

  On Sunday night when everyone was asleep, Ilsa went downstairs and loosened the wheel on her father’s wagon. It would take a few miles of riding before it fell off entirely. That would be perfect. It would give Peter and Adelle just enough time to get into bed and get started.

  In the morning, Hans hitched the wagon and grabbed the lunch Adelle had packed for him. Then he set out to go to town.

  “I want you to take the baby and go to Aunt Mary’s farm. She said the apples are ready for picking. Go with Falk and pick a basket. You can stay there for the day. Tomorrow we can make some pies. I know how much you enjoy picking apples,” Adelle said.

  “Have you asked Aunt Mary if it’s all right?”

  “She said she would love to have you and Falk for the day.”

  “Then I’ll get the baby and go.” Ilsa smiled sweetly.

  Adelle had been treating Ilsa much nicer since she and Peter had been seeing each other. That was because she needed Ilsa to care for Falk so that she had the free time she needed. It made Ilsa smile to know she was about to expose Adelle’s secret.

  Ilsa walked about a half of a mile, then she sat down on the side of the road with her stepbrother and waited. She tried to amuse the child so he wouldn’t cry. He giggled and tugged at her hair. Then he threw his arms around her neck and kissed her. Falk loved attention, which Ilsa found annoying. She would have preferred he weren’t with her.

  Once the sun was high enough in the sky to let her know it was well past noon, Ilsa began to head back to her parents' farm. She came into the house quietly, but her brother cried out. “Mama. Where is Mama?”

  She would have liked to strangle him to keep him quiet. Damn you, Falk, she thought. Surely Adelle had heard him. Ilsa had to work quickly now. Ilsa searched the house, running through the rooms as fast as she could, but Peter and Adelle were not inside. She put her brother into his crib. He immediately began fussing and reaching for her. She didn’t pick him up. She closed the door, and when she did she heard him begin to wail.

  Quickly, Ilsa walked out to the barn, then she stood outside and listened. A smile washed over her face when she heard her stepmother moaning. This is even better than finding them in the house. This is perfect. Take your time, Peter, she thought. If my calculations are right, my father should be home any minute. It was a quarter of an hour before her father came riding home on the horse without the cart. She ran to meet him. “What happened, Father? Are you all right? Did you have an accident with the cart?”

  “No, the wheel fell off. I had to come back home to get some tools to fix it,” he said in his matter-of-fact voice.

  Then, just as Ilsa had hoped he would, her father walked into the barn. Ilsa followed behind him. Peter and Adelle were naked lying on a pile of hay. Ilsa saw the look of shock and fear on Peter’s face. He hadn’t been expecting Hans. He thought Ilsa would come in alone, but here was Hans red faced from heat. There was shock, disbelief, and then pain in Hans's eyes. Adelle grabbed her dress to cover herself. She got up and ran to Hans. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what came over me. I never meant to do this.”

  He shook his head. “I never thought you would do anything like this,” he said. He looked at Peter and at the straw where he’d just seen his wife naked beneath another man. Then he turned his gaze back to Adelle’s eyes. In a small voice Hans asked, “Have I been such a bad husband to you? Have you ever gone hungry?”

  Adelle began to cry. She reached out her hands for Hans, but he turned away leaving her in the barn with her head bent. Peter glared at Ilsa. She cracked a smile. Peter stood up and got dressed quickly. Then as he was about to leave, he walked over to Ilsa and whispered in her ear, “Meet me at the creek at ten tonight?”

  “Yes, you’ve earned it.” She smiled, remembering what the boy had said to her when he gave her his mother’s pen. Then she said, “I’ll be there.”

  Peter could not look at Adelle. Once he was dressed he walked out of the barn.

  Adelle began putting her dress back on. Her hands were shaking. “Your father is going to leave me,” she said, “and I deserve it.” She was still crying. “Where is the baby?” she asked.

  Ilsa didn’t answer. “You stupid bitch,” she said. “You don’t even know what happened, do you?”

  Adelle looked at Ilsa blankly. There was pain in her eyes. She’d hurt Hans, and she felt terribly guilty. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “I set you up. It was me. It was all me—Butterball. I sent Peter here to seduce you, and you fell for it like an overripened apple falls to the ground. Of course my father is going to leave you. Peter is going to leave you too. He’ll go back to his family. You will be all alone, and your reputation will be so soiled that no one will have anything to do with you. And by the way, I just saw you naked, and you're getting fat. Perhaps your new nickname should be Butterball.” Ilsa let out her high-pitched shriek. Then she turned away from Adelle and left the barn.

  Ilsa was glad that her father was in his bedroom with the door closed when she went into the house. As quickly as possible, she gathered the few things she owned and put them into a cardboard suitcase that had belonged to Adelle. Then she took all the emergency money her stepmother kept in a jar in the kitchen and tucked it into her dress pocket. Falk let out a cry, but Ilsa ignored him. The front door of the farmhouse where she’d lived her entire life snapped shut as she walked out and began trekking down the dirt road. Not even once did she look back. Everything in that house was in her past. And Ilsa Guhr was done with the past.

  The dusty road was covered with the colorful leaves of fall. She marveled at their beauty. Then she thought of Peter waiting for her by the creek tonight. She thought of how shocked and hurt he would be when she never came. He is nothing but a pig. He deserves to suffer. That stupid man was more than willing to r
uin a woman’s life just so he could take a young girl, who is too young for him, into his bed. I don’t feel a bit sorry for any of them. They all got what they deserved. Ilsa shook her head. Then her high-pitched laughter broke the silence of the afternoon. She laughed so hard that she had to stop walking for a few minutes and clutch her side.

  Then she took the money she’d stolen, out of her dress pocket, and put it into her handbag. My new life begins today!

  CHAPTER 49

  November 1934

  Ilsa got into town just before sunset and wandered into the local beer hall. She ordered a beer and smiled at an older man who was sitting across the bar. She didn’t recognize him, and being that it was a small village meant he was not from the area. Within a few minutes, he was sitting beside her buying her drinks and rubbing her thigh under the table.

  “I need a ride out of here,” she said bluntly.

  He nodded. “All right.”

  Ilsa grabbed her suitcase and followed the man outside.

  She never knew his name, but it didn’t matter to her. Ilsa gave him sex, which was what he wanted, and he drove her all the way to Berlin. Once they arrived, they checked into a cheap hotel where they had two days of wild sex. In the morning on the third day, he told her that he’d had a good time with her, but he had to get home to his wife. She wasn’t upset that he didn’t care about her. She’d never expected him to. But as he walked out the door, she felt a little afraid being alone in a big city. Taking her handbag, she descended the flight of stairs from her room to the main lobby of the hotel. She walked up to the clerk and explained that she would like to pay to keep her room for a full week. But when she opened her handbag, all the money she’d taken from her stepmother’s emergency fund was gone. Damn that bastard. He stole my money. If that man would have been standing in front of her, she would have grabbed the scissors off the hotel clerk’s desk and stabbed him. Desperate, Ilsa begged the hotel clerk to let her stay for a few days until she was able to find work and pay, but the woman refused. “I’m sorry, it’s not our policy. Pay in advance is the way we do it here,” the clerk said.