“What’s wrong, Jaden?” She came close. Too close.
He shook his head several times. “I don’t think I should be here.”
“Why not? What do you mean?”
“This. Me helping out here. It isn’t a gut idea.”
“Why?”
Ach, why did she have to look so pretty standing there? Why did she have to show such concern for him? Why did she have to smell like cinnamon and sugar? Or was it sugar and spice and everything nice?
“Because I might…” He couldn’t stop his hand that lifted to her impossibly soft cheek, seemingly of its own accord. Neither could he stop the lowering of his head. Nor could he stop the touch of his lips to hers.
When Martha stepped into his embrace, time seemed to stand still. He tilted his head slightly and deepened the kiss at the touch of her fingers feathering through the hair at the nape of his neck. His hat slipped off and fell to the floor. He pulled her closer still, but he couldn’t seem to get enough. If they stayed like this forever, it would end too soon.
A gush of wind from outside broke the spell, and he finally came to his senses. Ach, what on earth was he doing?
“Martha.” He swallowed. “Ach, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”
He looked at her. Saw the longing in her eyes. Her love for him. And it all but killed him. Because he knew a real relationship between them could never work.
He turned and raced out of the schoolhouse.
“Jaden!” Martha’s troubled voice hollered after him.
He ignored her and kept running. He needed to get away. Not from Martha, but from himself. Why had he made such a mess of things?
“Jaden, wait!” Ach, was Martha following him?
He hadn’t wanted her to.
“Jaden! Stop. Please.”
He could probably sprint for a couple of miles without stopping, but he wouldn’t force Martha to follow after him, which is what it looked like she intended to do.
He stopped, then turned around. “I don’t want you to follow me.”
“Too late. I’m here.” She panted.
He was actually surprised either of them had that much energy after the kisses they’d shared.
“Why did you run away?” And that was one of the things he both liked and hated about Martha. She was bold and to the point and she spoke her mind.
“Martha, we can’t do this. I can’t do this.”
“Why? Why, Jaden? What’s wrong with me?” Tears shimmered in her eyes.
Ach, he hadn’t wanted to hurt her. He hated seeing her tears, knowing he’d caused them.
“You?” He blinked. “Nothing is wrong with you. You are wonderful.” He frowned. “It’s what’s wrong with me.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“I’m no good for you. I’m no good for anyone. But especially you.”
“Jaden, why do you say that? Why are you talking this way?”
Emotion welled up in his throat, clouded his eyes, but he suppressed the tears. “Because it’s true.”
“No, it’s not.”
“It is.” He squeezed his eyes closed at the onslaught of tears.
“Tell me why.”
“Nee. You wouldn’t understand. Nobody would.”
“Let me try. I want to help you.”
“Nee. I can’t be helped! I’m cursed, don’t you see? I’m cursed for life!” He spun around and took off in a sprint back toward the schoolhouse. This time he wouldn’t let her catch up to him. He would jot a quick note, then hide out until she left with her bruder’s buggy.
Ach, this had all been a big mistake. A mistake he’d never be able to live down.
NINE
Martha sat on her bed, staring at the wall. A box of tissues was on one pillow and a bag of chocolates on the other. A pile of soiled tissues and empty wrappers lay in a heap in front of her.
How could such a wunderbaar evening have gone so wrong?
She closed her eyes, recalling every sensation she’d felt while she’d been in Jaden’s arms. Ach, he was such a fantastic kisser. Of course, he was the only one she’d ever kissed, so she had no one to compare him to. But still. She couldn’t imagine any kiss being better than that one.
But as wonderful as it was, it had ended in disaster.
She’d had fantasies about Jaden staying after their buggy ride and indulging in some of her coffee cake. She’d thought about the two of them sitting alone in the schtupp, after they’d spent time playing games with the rest of the family, and everyone else had gone to bed. She’d thought Jaden would tell everyone of his plans to teach and to help out at the school for a week, and she imagined Dat offering to let him use the dawdi haus, so he wouldn’t have to hire a driver twice every day. She would have pretty much had him to herself for an entire week.
Instead, she’d returned home alone. She’d refused to speak with anyone, so she figured the family probably had guessed how it went. Most likely, they were all feeling sorry for her now, thinking she’d be destined for alt maedel-hood for the rest of her life.
At one time, she may have believed it too. But not now. Not after Jaden’s kiss.
Now that she knew how Jaden felt about her, there was no way she was going to let him slip through her fingers. They loved each other, plain and simple, and no one was going to convince her otherwise.
Not even Jaden. She didn’t know what he was going through, but she was determined to help him overcome it.
Love was enough to get one through anything, wasn’t it?
She bowed her head. Dear Gott, please help Jaden with whatever he’s going through. Help him to see that You love him and that You can help him overcome anything. Denki. Amen.
~
He hated himself.
How could he have done that to sweet Martha—the best person he knew? He had to be the biggest dummkopp to ever walk the earth.
Why had he gone and ruined their friendship? What they’d had was precious. Now, it was non-existent. Because he knew in his heart she’d never think of him the same way again. He’d blown it.
A tap on the bedroom door stole his attention. “Wanna talk about it?” Josiah.
“Nee.”
“You haven’t said a word since you got back. I think you need to work through this—whatever’s bothering you.” The closed door muffled his words, but Jaden got the gist of them.
“Just go away. Please.”
“Jaden…” His brother’s voice sounded laden, like his own heart. “Okay. But I’d like you to come with me tomorrow.”
“Where?”
“Sammy’s.”
Jaden frowned. “Who’s Sammy?”
“Sammy Eicher is Michael’s grossdawdi. You remember my friend Michael, ain’t not?”
“Jah.”
“Well, the guys get together every Saturday morning. We enjoy a time of fellowship, usually over coffee and breakfast. Sound good?”
Jaden groaned.
“Listen. You don’t have to say a word while you’re there. Trust me, there’ll be plenty of talking without your needing to put in your two cents. You’ll have a gut time.”
“Fine.” He sighed. “What time?”
“We’ll leave here around six thirty.”
“And I thought I was on vacation.”
“No such thing, bruder.”
“So much for sleeping in,” he mumbled.
“What was that?”
“Nothing. Guten nacht.”
“Good night, Jade.”
~
“And who is this new fellow joining us today?” A spry older man, whom he guessed was Michael’s grossdawdi, eyed Jaden.
“This”—Josiah’s hand clamped his shoulder—“is my younger bruder, Jaden.”
Sammy stretched out his hand, a smile glistening in his eye. “Gut to meet you, Jaden.”
He shook the older man’s hand, already feeling at ease around him—something that wasn’t typical for Jaden. “You too.”
“I’m guessing you know everybody else
?” Sammy asked.
“Jah.” But he wasn’t sure if being around Martha’s brothers was such a gut idea. What had Martha or her father or brother said when returning Silas’s horse and buggy? Jaden had been the one to borrow it. He should have been the one to return it too. That would have been the responsible thing to do. Another failure on his part.
“We ready to start?” Paul rubbed his hands together.
“Jah, I’m starving.” Jaden smiled.
Everybody seemed to stop what they were doing and turned to look at him. He looked at Josiah. “What?”
“You didn’t tell him?” Michael said. “That’s not nice.”
“Tell me what?” Jaden’s brow furrowed.
“Bible before breakfast.” Sammy nodded. “That’s how it goes in this home. Seek ye first the kingdom of God.”
Jaden turned to Josiah, his brow raised.
“We have a Bible study first. But you can grab a cup of coffee. Breakfast will be in about a half hour.”
Jaden’s stomach chose that moment to grumble loudly.
Sammy chuckled. “Don’t worry, bu. You won’t starve to death.”
“No you won’t.” Paul yawned and stretched wide. “I brought some of Jenny’s cinnamon rolls.”
“And I brought Kayla’s quiche.” Silas added.
“Quiche? I’m not sure I’ve tried that,” Jaden said.
“Ach, you’ll love it,” Michael said. “It’s kind of like a breakfast casserole in pie crust.”
Jaden shrugged. “Sounds good.” Of course, at this point in time almost anything would qualify as sufficient fodder.
“Time to start. Get your coffee, buwe, and mosey on over to the living room.” Sammy directed.
“Timothy isn’t coming today?” Paul looked at Silas.
“Nee, Bailey needs him,” Silas said.
Josiah whispered in Jaden’s ear as he poured his coffee. “She’s in the familye way.”
“Oh, wow. I hadn’t realized…” Jaden supposed since Bailey and Timothy had been married several months now, it was certainly possible. He just couldn’t get over seeing his niece as a little girl, even though he’d attended her wedding in December.
“They grow up fast.” Silas locked eyes with Josiah and they both nodded.
“Don’t I know it.” Sammy shook his head. “At this rate, I’ll be a gross, gross, grossdawdi before too long.”
“Is there such a thing?” Jaden chuckled.
Michael sighed. “Mei sohn is nineteen, so there’s a gut chance.”
“Jah, well. Let’s chust hope and pray he doesn’t move as fast as his vatter did.” Sammy eyed Michael.
“Right.” Michael nodded.
Sammy sat in what looked like an ancient hickory rocker, while everyone else took whatever other seats were available. “Enough chit chat. Let’s pray.”
~
Jaden sat open-mouthed as each man gave his testimony. Ach, if Der Herr could forgive some of the stuff he’d heard about today, was it possible there was forgiveness for him as well?
They went on to read the testimonies of different men in the Bible, and how Gott delivered each one out of the bondage of sin.
Jaden’s eyes burned. It couldn’t be that simple, could it?
“So you see,” Sammy said. “Their sins were no match for the grace of God. There is no sin He won’t pardon, no transgression too wicked for our Lord’s love to cover.” He looked at each of them. “What a mighty, wonderful God we serve. Let’s give Him thanks.”
A half hour later, Sammy joined Jaden on the porch swing. The older man sipped on a fresh cup of coffee. “That breakfast sure was gut, ain’t not?”
“Ach, you guys were right. It was wonderful,” Jaden said.
“A fraa that can cook is a blessing from Der Herr indeed.” Sammy nodded. “My Bertie was a blessing, for sure.”
“How long has she been gone?”
“About seventeen years now. There isn’t a day I don’t still miss her. I reckon I’ll be joining her in glory before too long.”
“It must’ve been hard to lose someone that close to you.” Jaden had never lost anyone close to him, though, for a time, he thought his bruder Josiah may have died. But when a body was never recovered, it was difficult to accept his death as a fact. Jaden hadn’t known if it was intuition or what, but he’d always had a question in the back of his mind about his brother’s disappearance all those years ago. So when he’d encountered him on the street one day, he hadn’t been totally shocked. It had just been confirmation that what his heart had suspected was indeed true.
“Der Herr got me through it. Sent Michael’s fraa Miriam to help me out and she brought a bit of sunshine back into my life. And then when Michael came back and then the kinskinner came along, well, my joy is pretty much complete. I couldn’t ask for a better life.”
Jaden nodded. What would it be like to be normal? To have a normal life like those around him? But a normal life would never, could never, exist for him.
“What about you? You got anyone?”
He shook his head. “Nee. Not really.”
Paul happened to step outside just as Jaden was answering. “Don’t let him fool you, Sammy. He’s got his eye on my schweschder, Martha.”
Sammy’s brow rose. “Is that so?”
Jaden glanced at Paul, then at Sammy. “I’d rather not talk about it.”
“I see.” Sammy nodded.
“Ach, our ride’s here.” Paul turned and opened the door to Sammy’s house. “Let’s go, Silas. The driver’s here.”
Silas joined Paul outside. Both brothers bid them farewell before hopping into the car.
Sammy trained his gaze on Jaden again. “Let me know when you’re ready to talk, sohn.”
There was something about Sammy. He wasn’t sure if kindred spirit was the right phrase, but it was pretty close. He felt like he could just sit and talk with Sammy for hours and share his whole life story with him.
He felt safe. And that was something he couldn’t say he’d ever truly felt before outside the four walls of his home.
Could this man be an angel in disguise? Ach, Jaden wouldn’t be surprised in the least.
TEN
“So, tell me your plans for this week.” Josiah glanced at Jaden before shoving a pitchforkful of hay into one of the stalls.
“I don’t have any plans.” Jaden carried the bucket of fresh water to one of the stalls.
“What?” Josiah set the pitchfork down and wiped his sweaty forehead with his shirtsleeve. “I thought you were helping out at the school in Bontrager’s district.”
Jaden’s lips pressed together. “Not anymore.”
“Why?” His brother stared at him. “What happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“No.” His bruder frowned. “Jaden, you’re not going to do this.”
“Do what?”
“Shut everybody out like you always do.”
“Like I always do? How would you know? You weren’t even around for most of my life.” He tamped down his ire.
“I was there for some of it. I’ve seen it enough to know.”
“Jah, well. Some things are just better left unspoken.”
“And some things need to be talked about. Talked through.” Josiah insisted. “Didn’t you go to the Millers’ yesterday?”
“I did.”
“And?”
“I had dinner with the family, and then I visited the schoolhouse with Martha.” He shrugged.
“I don’t understand. Why aren’t you helping out there, then?”
“I blew it, okay?” He threw the bucket on the ground. “Are you happy now?” So much for restraining his anger.
“Easy, bruder.” Josiah stepped near and squeezed his shoulder. “Tell me what happened. Please.”
“I…I kissed Martha.” He sighed.
“And?” His brother smirked, but he ignored it.
“Never mind. I guess you wouldn’t understand.”
/> “I’m trying to, if you’d just let me into your world.”
He bent down and picked up the bucket he’d thrown. “You don’t want to be in my world.”
“Fine. I’ll let it go. But if you ever want to talk, I’m right here, Jade.” Josiah touched his forearm. “Okay?”
“Jah.”
~
That morning, when Jaden had left the men’s fellowship meeting at the Eichers’, Sammy had encouraged him to read his Bible every day. He’d suggested starting in the book of Romans, saying it was full of hope and encouragement. And right about now, Jaden could use some of that.
Ach, he could hardly live with himself right now. What was wrong with him?
He opened the Bible Sammy had given him, although he wasn’t sure where the book of Romans was. Studying the Scriptures for oneself had never been encouraged in his Amish g’may. He’d been admonished that those who studied too much would be filled with hochmut, pride. But Sammy seemed to know an awful lot about the words of Der Herr, and he hadn’t seemed prideful about it at all. Jaden couldn’t wrap his mind around a body wanting to study the Scriptures when they weren’t in a position of leadership in the church. The thought befuddled him.
On the other hand, he could see that it had benefitted the men at the Bible study. None of them seemed to struggle like Jaden did. Not that their lives were perfect—they just seemed to know what to do when things got messed up. And he wanted to learn that too.
For the next half hour, Jaden shut himself in his room and read through the first chapter of Romans. But…where was the hope and encouragement Sammy had been talking about? He hadn’t found any. Nee, what he’d found was condemnation and guilt. Eventually, he slammed the Bible shut.
Could it be that Sammy had suggested the wrong book? But, nee, he’d said Romans. Maybe Jaden had heard him wrong or had gotten confused when they’d been reading. Something wasn’t clicking for him.
He huffed. He supposed there was only one way to find out, and that was to talk to Sammy again.
Hopefully, Josiah wouldn’t mind if he left for a while. He needed answers. Or more accurately, he needed the hope and encouragement Sammy had been referring to.
~
“I see you’ve returned,” Sammy smiled, holding the screen door open for Jaden to enter.
The Teacher (Amish Country Brides) Page 5