The Boy I Once Loved

by Cara E Holt

  She fans herself with her hand. “Now that boy is gorgeous. Tell me was he that good looking before puberty hit?”

  I scoff. “You think he’s good looking?”

  She looks at me like I have suggested the earth is flat. “Well yes, me and every other girl in this sixth form and the school! You don’t think he is?”

  I shrug again. “Well, I haven’t seen him for over three years, but back then I thought he was too pretty looking. I like my guys a bit more rough and ready.”

  She grins and gives me a confident smile. “Well, three years is a long time, let’s wait until you get a glance of seventeen-year-old Dylan.”

  "Three years isn't long enough," I mutter under my breath.

  My next class is English Lit. As soon as I walk into the class, I hear her voice. A voice that hasn’t changed one bit in the three years I have been absent. She is sitting on her desk chatting with two girls and she twirls her hair around her finger. Her hair is the same brunette colour but is longer than it used to be and falls way down her back. One of her friends says something to her, and then all three sets of eyes turn to me as I take a seat near the back.

  “Ella Harrison?! Wow, you’re back.” She looks genuinely floored.

  I lean casually in my seat. "Hey, Beth."

  She stands and saunters over to my desk. Beth still walks with that confident swagger and ease I remember. She leans on my desk and looks down at me.

  I lean forward. "You want something, Beth?"

  Her eyes narrow. “You shouldn’t have come back.”

  I smirk. “Oh, really? And why is that?”

  “Because you don’t belong here,” she warns me with a frosty glare.

  I lean forward right into her space and lower my voice so only she can hear me. “Remove yourself from my desk princess before I forcibly remove you.”

  She hesitates but then must clearly see the intent in my eyes, so she whips her hair out and flounces off back to her seat. I smirk at her two friends, who quickly avert their gaze. If Beth Jones thinks I am still the same weak girl I was back then, she is sadly mistaken. Death and being let down by everyone around me had made me tough. I wouldn’t let anyone push me around and if they tried, they would know about it.

  Uncle Matt was a fitness freak, and he got me into boxing and the gym. Now I couldn’t function if I didn’t get a gym session or a session on the pads regularly. I hadn’t been the easiest teenager to be around these last three years. I had been angry, angry at my mum, angry at Dylan and angry at the world, but somehow my Uncle had channelled that anger into something positive. He gave me some stability at a time in my life when I felt complete upheaval. He has only been gone a day and I am already missing him. My relationship with my mum is strained. She is being overly attentive, the guilt for what she did clearly eating at her. She seems determined to show me she is the perfect mother, but I’m not interested. English passes quickly and I leave the classroom to find Amber waiting for me.

  "I thought you'd want to sit with me at lunch. You know, with it being your first day and all."

  I smile. I couldn’t help but like this girl. “Thanks, that is really thoughtful.”

  The school canteen has had a revamp since I was last here. Luckily, sixth formers have their dinner later than the younger kids. We walk in and some of the dining tables are already full as students sit eating and chatting. I follow Amber to the food counter and she points out a table over to the far left. “That’s our table. My friends Erin and Megan are over there, and my boyfriend Josh and his mates Blake and Otis should be along soon.”

  I look over to the table she points to and see two girls, one with ginger curly hair and an Asian girl with long dark glossy hair. We select our food and I follow Amber to the table.

  "Girls. This is Ella. She's new and I said she could sit with us." I take a seat beside Amber and smile in greeting. "Ella, this is Megan and Erin."

  “Welcome to Lilford Ella. I’m sure you’ll soon find your way around the place. It’s a small sixth form. The table to our right is the drama gang’s table. They are all dramatic and artsy. Across from us is the science nuts table.” Erin points with her finger to two other tables. “Those tables are the sports boys and their little clingers.”

  I follow her fingers to the two tables which are now partially occupied and my eyes land on the one person I had no desire to ever see again. Dylan James sits in the centre of one table, a pretty brunette girl to his right and Connor to his left. My heart stutters at the sight of him. He is still Dylan, but he has changed. He is taller and has muscles where once he was all gangly and slender. His dark brown hair is shaved short at the side but longer on the top, and he wears a fitted grey t-shirt that hints at perfect abs underneath. Connor says something in his ear and then suddenly both their eyes meet mine. I feel like a rabbit in headlights; I want to turn my gaze away, but I can't. I can't fathom the look that crosses Dylan's face, it looks like a mixture of shock and recognition. Pulling myself together and I turn my attention back to the three girls at our table.

  “Uh-oh. Did you see that?” Megan comments looking at me with a sympathetic look on her face. “She spotted Dylan and now she’s a goner.”

  Erin finishes pulling her ginger locks into a messy bun and pats my hand. “Don’t worry, you won’t be the last to be left speechless by his good looks.”

  “You girls talking about me again?”

  I look up to see two guys approaching the table. One with shortly shaved brown hair sits beside Amber and drops a kiss on her cheek. The one who spoke sits next to Megan and stares openly at me. “Who’s this?” He runs a hand through his dirty blonde hair and he winks at me.

  “Ella, this is my boyfriend Blake and his best friend Otis.”

  Otis leans forward and gives me a wide smile. “Well, hello new girl. You are welcome at our table anytime.”

  Megan groans and nudges him with her elbow. “For god’s sake Otis, don’t start hitting on her.”

  Otis laughs and dramatically rubs his ribs where she elbowed him. "I can't help it. It just happens whenever there's a pretty girl around me."

  Amber and her group of friends are all really nice and they make me feel welcome and at ease in their company, but I am unable to fully relax as I know he is there. I don’t look over to his table again. I daren’t, scared of the emotions it will trigger. “I need another drink. Anyone want one?”

  “Oh, could you grab me a water?” Erin asks, shaking the almost empty water bottle in her hand. Assuring her I will, I stand and head over to the fridge full of drinks. I’m perusing my options when someone coughs behind me. Turning, I freeze when I find Dylan standing in front of me. Hands in his pockets, he studies me intently.

  “It’s really you?”

  I nod and look anywhere but at him. “Yeah, it’s me.”

  “You look good. I mean, you’ve changed.”

  “Why did you come over here?” I sigh.

  He looks slightly taken aback by my direct question. “You just disappeared El.” My heart hurts when he calls me El, only he and my brother had called me that. “No one knew what had happened and then my mum saw someone from your mum’s works, and they said you had gone to live with your uncle.”

  I turn away from him and grab two bottles of water from the fridge and head to the till. He follows behind me. "Are you home for good?"

  I close my eyes briefly trying to reign in all the emotions I'm feeling, keeping my back to him I reply. "I'm here until my mum takes up the drink again and forgets she has a daughter."

  “She’s doing really well El, cut her some slack.”

  I whizz round and face him. How dare he! “Cut her some slack!” I hiss quietly. “You know nothing about this.”

  “Actually, I do.” He chews on his lips. “I help your mum out. She pays me to mow the garden lawn and do odd jobs around the house for her. I know how hard her recovery has been for her.”

  I laugh then, and he looks surprised and unsure what to do. �
�Well, let’s all give my mum a pat on the back. Are we done with this conversation?”

  He frowns, his blue eyes assessing me. “Don’t be like that. Look I-,”

  I don’t give him a chance to finish. The minute the lunch lady gives me my change, I flee and hurry back to my table, leaving him standing there in mid-sentence.

  “Everything okay? That looked intense,” Amber asks me, her eyes a mixture of concern and intrigue.

  “I’m fine,” I insist.

  “Hey Josh, mind if I squeeze in?” The whole table falls silent as Dylan stops at the table. Josh nods and he budges over to make room for him. What the flip was he playing at?

  “What are you doing?” I hiss, glaring at him and going red in the face with embarrassment.

  He leans his elbows on the table. “I’m not letting you push me away again, that’s what.”

  “Push you away?” I scoff in disbelief. “I didn’t push you away, Dyl, you did that all by yourself.”

  He looks at me perplexed and hurt. “What did I do to make you hate me, El?”

  I sling my bag over my shoulder and stand. “I am done with this conversation. Stay away from me, Dylan. Just let me be, okay?” My last words are almost a plea, and my voice wavers with emotion. Feeling eyes watching me, I walk as quickly as I can out of the canteen. I lean myself against the wall in the corridor and try to calm my breathing.

  “This conversation is not over.” I open my eyes to find him right in front of me. His hands are leaning on the wall on either side of my head. “We were best friends, El. I want you back in my life.”

  My ability to string a sentence together fades as I look at him close up. God, he is as beautiful as I remember, maybe even more so now. “Why are you doing this to me?”

  “Look, I was fourteen Ella. I was an idiot. Are you going to hold that against me forever?”

  “You weren’t there for me.” I blurt out and it comes out in a half sob. “The one time I needed you more than ever and you weren’t there. My brother died.”

  He closes his eyes and rests his forehead against mine. “And I hate myself for it, but you told me to stay away from you.” He keeps his eyes closed and I can feel his breath against my cheek. He smells of mints and expensive aftershave. “I’m not staying away this time, El. You can push me all you want, but I’m not going anywhere.”

  I duck under his arm and run as fast as I can down the hallway. I hear him call my name, but I don’t look back, I just keep on running, away from the pain and the memories that I thought I had long buried three years ago.

  Chapter Two

  Next class, I have double Media Studies and my heart dips when I walk in and see Dylan standing at a table talking to a cute guy with glasses. I take a seat near the front, hoping that Dylan will sit somewhere near the back. To my utter despair, he takes the seat beside me. I groan and lower my head to the table. "Will you take the hint and fuck off."

  He chuckles. “Told you Ella umbrella, I’m not going anywhere.”

  My breath catches in my chest when he calls me that. I haven’t heard that nickname for a long, long time. He would always call me that when we were kids. He would sing my name, ‘Ella, Ella, under my umbrella.’ As in the Rihanna song. Ignoring him, I pull out my pad and pen and rest my head on my hand to block him from my view. The class goes by painfully slow. When I do briefly move my head from my hand, I can feel his gaze upon me, unnerving and unsettling me. For the first time in three years, I feel out of control of my own emotions and I hate it.

  As soon as the class is over, I bolt out of there like a rocket. Luckily, I hear him get waylaid by a girl and I grin to myself in thanks. I high-tail it to the school car park as fast as I can and start the bike, throwing my helmet on. As he bursts out of the school doors, I grin to myself as I whizz out of the car park right past him. I am a master at avoidance.

  I arrive home to the smell of food. I’m not sure what is cooking, but boy does it smell good. I dump my schoolbag in the hallway and head straight into the kitchen at the back of the house. Mum stands at the oven, her hair up in a messy bun. She is stirring the contents of a large pan.

  "Hey, honey." She greets warmly, all smiles and over-enthusiasm. "How was your first day back? Did you see Dylan?"

  I take a seat at the kitchen island. “It was okay and yes, I saw Dylan briefly.”

  “Ah, he is such a lovely boy. It will be nice for you two to hang out again.”

  “We won’t be hanging out,” I scowl. “Dylan and I aren’t friends anymore. We haven’t been friends for a long time.”

  My mum gives me an exasperated look as she plates the food out. Chicken casserole - my brother’s favourite. The smell of the food and the memories of us sitting around this very kitchen all eating together hit me with a jolt. “You made his favourite?”

  She flinches at my reference to him. “Oh, I thought this was your favourite.”

  I shake my head. “No, it was his. Mine was always your spag bol.” I stand from the stool. I can’t be here right now. “Look, I’m really not hungry. I’m going to make a start on my homework in my room.”

  My mum’s cheery face drops. “I was hoping we could eat together like old times. You know catch up properly.”

  “Why?” I snap. “You haven’t wanted to catch up for the last three years, so why?”

  She visibly winces at my accusing question. “I’m trying here, Ella.”

  “Yeah, well,” I smirk, “you should have tried three years ago. Why did you make me come back here? I was happy with Uncle Matt. I’d built a life there.”

  She holds onto the worktop as if grounding herself. “I wanted us to be a family again.”

  I scoff. “We haven’t been a family since the day he died, and you checked out on life.” Without a backward glance, I leave the room. Once in the safety of my bedroom, I throw myself on the bed and I allow myself to cry. I don’t want to be back in this stupid town with all its dark memories.

  I’m lying on my front on the bed a few hours later catching up on some reading for English when I hear the doorbell go and hear my mum’s cheery voice greet someone. A second later, she shouts up for me to come down. Curious who it could be, I throw on a jumper and head down.

  I stop still, three-quarters of the way down the stairs when I see him standing there. My Mum stands beside him, all encouraging smiles. "Look who is here. Dylan's come to see you. Isn't that nice?"

  I fold my arms and come to a stop on the third step from the bottom. “Why are you here?”

  He grins, ignoring my cold welcome. “I thought we could catch up. Mums made muffins and she would love to see you.”

  I hesitate. I loved Dylan’s mum; she was funny and kind, and she had been like a second mother to me growing up. “I’m busy. I have homework.”

  “Nonsense,” my mother states. She wraps her arm through Dylan’s. “Come on in, love. I don’t have muffins, but I do have cookies.” He grins in response and allows her to pull him through to the kitchen. He looks over his shoulder at me and winks, and I clench my fists in response. What part of I wanted nothing to do with him did he not get?! He sits at the kitchen island with a familiarity that hurts my heart. I stand there hovering like an idiot. Mum grabs the cookie jar and opening it offers him one.

  “They are your favourite,” she tells him, smiling. “Double choc chip.”

  I snigger. Really? She makes his favourite cookies.

  “Sit,” she demands, the insistence clear in her tone. Scowling like my life depends on it I sit around the other side of the island. If I have to sit there, I am sitting as far away from him as possible. I feel his eyes upon me, and I fidget under his gaze.

  “How is school?” She asks him as she pours him a glass of cola.

  “Good,” he grins. “Especially now I have Ella back there with me.”

  My mum looks at him like she thinks he is the sweetest boy she has ever met, and it just makes me even angrier.

  “Are you still dating the delightful B
eth?” I ask, plastering on the fakest smile.

  He scoffs. “God, no! That girl is high maintenance.”

  "Really?” I cock a brow. “I would have thought she would have suited you. You know, with her not being frigid or flat-chested."

  He chokes on a piece of cookie and my mum pats his back whilst giving me daggers. “I’m okay,” he tells her, keeping his eyes on me.

  “More the pity,” I mumble, but clearly, I don’t say it quietly enough though, as the look on both their faces tells me they heard me.

  “Connor and I are heading over to a friend’s house this evening and wondered if El would like to come. You know it would be a great opportunity for her to get to know some other kids from school.”

  My mum’s face lights up. “That is so thoughtful. Ella would love to go.”

  “Actually no, Ella wouldn’t,” I tell her firmly.

  “Nonsense. It will do you good and I insist, especially if you want your pocket money at the weekend.”

  I want to scream at the top of my lungs but instead I do it silently in my head, all the while imagining myself kneeing Dylan in the balls. “Really mum? You are resorting to bribery? Besides, I’m sure Dylan has a string of other girls he could invite.”

  He smiles then. A challenging smile that tells me he isn’t going to go away quietly like I had hoped when I warned him away earlier on today. “Scared of spending time with me El?”

  I scoff and glare at him. “Nothing about you scares me, Dyl.”

  "Good, then that is settled." My mum claps her hands together. "Go and get ready."

  Glowering at her, I jump down off the barstool and stomp out of the room. I can hear them happily chatting away like old friends as I climb the stairs.

  When I get to my room, I lean back against my door and I let out a big breath that I have been holding in. Grinning to myself as I head to my wardrobe. Okay, I will go with him, but as soon as I am there, I will detach myself from his company and make my own entertainment. I dress in something that I think is as far as what he would find attractive and make my way down into the kitchen. They are laughing together over something when I walk in, but the laughter stops as they take me in.