Playing by Heart

by Cleary James

  Grayson lifted her hand and held it between both of his, playing with her fingers. ‘So, that tour ... does it take in your bedroom, by any chance?’

  Lisa nodded. ‘It starts there.’ She gasped as his finger dug into her palm, heat building inside her. ‘I know you’ve seen it before,’ she said shakily, ‘but—’

  ‘It’s always worth a repeat visit.’

  The way he was looking at her as his finger stroked her palm sensuously was doing crazy things to her. Her insides melted and her blood felt like it was on fire. ‘Let’s get the bill and get out of here,’ she said.

  Chapter Fourteen

  They were walking along the high street hand-in-hand, hurrying back to her flat, when Lisa saw Katya coming towards them. She felt unaccountably anxious as Katya spotted her and waved, quickening her steps to catch up with them.

  ‘Hi!’ she beamed as she reached them.

  ‘Hi,’ Lisa smiled back at her, but her face felt stiff. ‘Grayson, this is my friend Katya,’ she said to him. ‘Katya, Grayson.’ She felt her shoulders tense as she introduced them.

  ‘Hi, Grayson!’ Katya gave him a friendly smile, shielding her eyes from the sun as she held out her other hand to him. ‘It’s lovely to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.’

  ‘Really?’ Grayson grinned, raising an eyebrow as he shook her hand firmly. ‘I’m afraid I can’t say the same.’

  ‘I’m sure I’ve mentioned Katya,’ Lisa mumbled defensively, a knot of tension forming in her stomach.

  ‘Oh, don’t worry about it.’ Katya waved away her concern. ‘Lisa doesn’t get to see you that often,’ she said to Grayson. ‘I’m sure she has better things to do than talk about me when she does. But we were actually starting to doubt your existence,’ she said with a little laugh. ‘Well, I was. Martha always believed you were real. It’s a pity you couldn’t make it to our exhibition last week.’

  ‘Oh ... yeah.’ Grayson shrugged, giving Lisa a curious look.

  Lisa willed her friend to stop babbling, too on edge to pay proper attention to what she was saying. She glanced at Grayson. He was chuckling as Katya prattled on, and he didn’t appear to be annoyed. But maybe he was just being polite.

  ‘You missed a good night last night’ Katya said, unaware of Lisa’s mounting tension. ‘I think I went overboard on the margaritas, though. How was your head this morning, Lisa?’

  ‘It was fine,’ Lisa said quietly. She felt Grayson looking at her, but she couldn’t meet his eyes. She just hoped he wasn’t finding Katya too irritating.

  ‘So what are you two up to today?’ Katya asked breezily.

  ‘Lisa’s just showing me around the place. I wanted to see where she hangs out.’

  ‘Well, in that case you should come to the Anchor tonight. I know it’s not your kind of thing, but it’s where everyone around here meets up.’

  Grayson raised his eyebrows. ‘Sounds good to me,’ he said.

  ‘My boyfriend’s band are playing. They’re really good.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Grayson said. ‘Maybe we’ll check that out.’ He flicked a glance at Lisa.

  ‘Yeah, maybe,’ she said faintly.

  ‘Great!’ Katya smiled happily. ‘Well, I might see you later, then.’

  Lisa relaxed a little as she seemed about to go.

  ‘And if not, maybe I’ll see you at Martha’s tomorrow? She’s going to start taking it personally if you keep refusing her invitations to dinner.’

  ‘Um ... yeah, maybe.’ Lisa gave Grayson a nervous glance

  Katya laughed. ‘Relax, I’m just kidding. Martha totally understands. And she’ll get to meet you next week anyway,’ she said to Grayson. ‘You’ll definitely be here for Lisa’s birthday, won’t you?’

  Lisa’s heart plummeted.

  ‘Um ... I—’ Grayson looked at Lisa questioningly. ‘I’m ... not sure yet.’

  ‘Oh.’ Katya’s smile faded and she looked taken aback. ‘Well, I hope you can make it.’ She cast a worried glance at Lisa.

  Grayson frowned slightly. ‘I’ll ... do my best.’

  Lisa was grateful he hid his confusion from Katya, but she could tell he was puzzled – and hurt, she realised with a stab of guilt.

  ‘Well, it was nice to meet you,’ Katya said blithely to Grayson as she turned to go. ‘See you both later maybe.’ She gave them a cheery wave and strode away up the road.

  ‘Sorry,’ Lisa said as Katya walked away.

  ‘For what?’ He frowned.

  Lisa shrugged. ‘Katya – she chatters a bit.’

  ‘I thought she seemed lovely.’

  ‘She is.’ She smiled, relieved that he didn’t seem annoyed by Katya’s prattling. He was obviously put out about something, though – and it wasn’t hard to guess what. The mood had changed, and he fell silent as they started to walk back to the flat. His pace had slowed, all the urgency of earlier gone.

  ‘So ... big night last night?’ he asked eventually.

  ‘Not really.’ Lisa blushed. ‘I just had Katya and Martha over for dinner,’ she shrugged, trying to play it down.

  ‘Sounds fun. And what’s this show that I wasn’t able to make?’

  ‘It was just a little exhibition we put on for a charity auction in the village hall.’

  ‘You didn’t mention it. I could have come if I’d known.’

  ‘It wasn’t a big deal – certainly not worth coming all the way down from London for.’

  Grayson nodded, but she could tell he wasn’t satisfied. ‘Lisa, can I ask you something?’ he said, stopping. He looked uncomfortable, and his hesitant tone unnerved her.

  ‘Sure,’ she said, her voice a little shaky. She licked her lips nervously, bracing herself for whatever he was about to say.

  He looked at her carefully, his expression serious. ‘Are you—’ He paused for a moment, as if trying to formulate the question in his mind, unsure of what he wanted to ask. ‘Are you ... seeing someone else?’

  ‘No!’ Lisa gasped, shocked. Where on earth had that come from? ‘I promise, I’m not,’ she said urgently, putting a hand on his arm and looking pleadingly into his eyes. ‘I swear,’ she said, panic mounting inside her.

  ‘Hey, calm down,’ Grayson said softly, putting a hand over hers. ‘I mean, you can tell me if you are. It’s fine. We haven’t said anything about being exclusive. I suppose I just assumed...’ He sighed. ‘I just want you to be honest with me.’

  ‘I’m telling the truth. There’s no one else. Why would you even think that?’

  ‘Because you told me you wanted to work last night, and now it turns out you were partying with your friends.’ He shrugged. ‘I don’t know what to think.’

  ‘Look, I would have asked you to come, but it wasn’t anything special – just Mexican food and beer.’ She looked at him beseechingly.

  Grayson huffed out a laugh. ‘And what, I live on caviar and champagne? I like Mexican food and beer.’

  Lisa’s insides were starting to churn. He wasn’t shouting at her – not yet. His tone was still reasonable and quiet, his manner calm. But she started to feel a familiar knot forming in her stomach, and she desperately needed to make this stop.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, desperate to appease him. ‘But Katya and Martha are good friends and I feel I haven’t been spending enough time with them lately, so ...’ She trailed off helplessly.

  Grayson frowned, looking puzzled. ‘It’s not that.’ He shook his head and let out an exasperated sigh. ‘You wanted to spend a night with your friends – I get that. I don’t expect an invitation. But why lie to me about it?’

  ‘I just ... I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, I guess.’

  ‘It still doesn’t explain why you were behaving so oddly when Katya was talking to me just now. You visibly tensed up, like you were terrified she was going to say something she shouldn’t. What were you so afraid she was going to tell me?’

  Lisa shrugged. ‘Nothing. I was just worried she’d annoy you by talking too much.’
/>   He frowned, looking unconvinced by her answer. He shoved his hands into his pockets and resumed walking. Lisa fell into step beside him.

  ‘So it’s your birthday next weekend?’ he asked quietly, glancing at her.

  ‘Um ... yeah. On Saturday.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  Lisa shrugged. ‘It’s not the sort of thing you tell people out of the blue, is it? I didn’t want you to think I was angling for a present,’ she said with a shaky smile, trying to make light of it.

  He didn’t smile back at her. ‘It’s something a boyfriend should know, isn’t it? I’d like to give you a present, Lisa. I’d like to be with you on your birthday.’

  Lisa squirmed uncomfortably. She took a deep breath. ‘Look, I would have told you it was my birthday and suggested we do something to celebrate together, but I arranged ages ago to have people over for dinner, so ...’ She shrugged helplessly.

  Grayson frowned at her in bemusement. He was quiet for a moment, and she glanced across at him to find him looking at her warily. She felt slightly panicked by his solemn expression.

  ‘Lisa, are you ... ashamed of me?’

  ‘What?’ she gasped incredulously. ‘No! Of course not.’ How could he think such a ridiculous thing?

  ‘Ashamed of us, then – of our relationship?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I know the way we met was pretty fucked up, but I thought we'd got past that. It doesn't have to define us.’

  ‘It's not that.’

  ‘Then why don’t you want me to meet your friends? We never spend any time here, and even when we do you always seem to keep them away when I’m around. We don’t go to the pub because apparently it’s not ‘my kind of thing’. We don’t go for dinner with your friend Martha, though Katya seems to think I’ve been invited. And you clearly don’t want me around on your birthday.’

  Lisa stopped in her tracks. She was silent for a moment, too stunned to speak. Had she really been doing that – deliberately avoiding having Grayson and her friends meet? But as soon as he said it out loud, she realised that it was true. Without even thinking about it, she had contrived to keep her life neatly compartmentalised, with Grayson in one section and her friends in another – as if she could only have one or the other, but not both at once. And it hit her with sickening clarity why – because that was how it had been with Mark. He had demanded exclusivity. He had never wanted to meet her friends and he resented the time she spent with them, not happy until she had shut out everyone but him. Anything that took her attention away from him had to go – even her painting.

  Grayson was looking at her expectantly, waiting for her to speak. He looked so hurt and bewildered, and her hand flew to her mouth as it hit her like a thunderbolt how unfair she’d been to him. He’d been so open and generous in sharing his life with her, and she’d been shutting him out of hers.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, her eyes welling up. ‘I didn’t mean to do that. I just—I didn’t think you’d be interested in meeting my friends.’

  He frowned, looking unconvinced. ‘Why wouldn’t I want to meet them?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ she said with a shrug, too ashamed to admit the truth. How could she tell him that, albeit subconsciously, she’d been treating him as if he was the same as Mark, carefully arranging everything to avoid confrontations and jealous rages. Mark’s conditioning was so deeply ingrained in her psyche that it had become automatic, an instinctive survival strategy. But Grayson was nothing like Mark. He didn’t grudge her spending an evening with her girlfriends. He would never try to manipulate or control her. It sickened her that Mark’s influence still had the power to damage her relationship with Grayson.

  ‘I’m not him,’ he said, as if he could read her mind.

  ‘I know,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry if I’ve treated you like you are. I just—I got so used to—to keeping things separate.’

  Grayson nodded understandingly, his features softening.

  ‘Forgive me?’ Lisa sobbed.

  Grayson pulled her into his arms and kissed her forehead. ‘Hey, I’m sorry,’ he said, brushing away her tears. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you.’

  She looked into his kind eyes, and her heart leapt as it hit her that it didn’t have to be that way with him. She could introduce him to her friends. She could have all the people she cared about together all at once, and she didn’t have to constantly choose between them.

  ‘Come to my birthday party next week,’ she said, smiling. ‘Dinner at my place on Saturday.’

  Grayson smiled. ‘I’d love to,’ he said. ‘But don’t feel you have to invite me. I don’t expect you to spend all your time with me. I totally understand if you’d rather just have a night with your friends.’

  ‘I wouldn’t. I really want you to come. Please?’

  ‘Really?’ His face relaxed, and he gave her the most gorgeous smile as he took her hands in his.

  ‘Yes,’ she said, surprised and gratified she could make him so happy with such a simple thing. It startled her to realise she had such power over him. ‘Please?’ She squeezed his hands for emphasis. ‘It would make it perfect if you were there.’

  He grinned. ‘Well, in that case, I’d love to come.’ He leaned in and brushed his lips softly against hers. ‘I don’t want to intrude on your life, Lisa. But I’d very much like to be part of it.’

  ‘I’d like that too,’ she murmured against his mouth. ‘Very much.’

  Chapter Fifteen

  Grayson arrived early the following Friday to help Lisa get ready for her dinner party.

  ‘Happy Birthday!’ He dropped a kiss on her cheek and handed her a carrier bag with two bottles of champagne as he came through the door.

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Have you had a good day?’ he asked, loosening his tie as he followed her through to the kitchen. He had gone straight from a client meeting to the airport and was wearing a beautifully cut dark suit and crisp white shirt.

  ‘Yes, it’s been lovely so far. Thank you for the flowers.’ She nodded to the stunning arrangement of white and purple orchids in a tall vase on a side table. It had been a wonderful surprise when they had been delivered in the afternoon. ‘They’re beautiful.’

  ‘I’m glad you like them.’ He leaned in the doorway of the kitchen as Lisa put the champagne in the fridge. ‘Mmm, something smells good,’ he smiled.

  ‘It’s slow cooked lamb,’ Lisa told him.

  ‘I hope you haven’t spent your whole birthday cooking,’ he said.

  Lisa shrugged. ‘I liked doing it.’ She had had the day off and had enjoyed taking the time to prepare a special meal for the most important people in her life.

  ‘Well, I just have to get the rest of my stuff from the car, and then I’ll get changed and join you.’

  ‘Here, I got you these,’ Lisa said as he turned to go. She took a set of keys from her pocket and handed them to him.

  ‘Really?’ Grayson seemed touched as he looked down at the keys in his hand.

  Lisa shrugged. ‘It’ll save me running up and down the stairs every time you come,’ she said gruffly, making light of it. But it was a big deal for her, and she could tell he appreciated that.

  ‘Well, thank you.’ Grayson leaned in and kissed her. ‘I’ll be back in a minute.’

  When he returned, dressed more casually in black jeans and a cream sweater, Lisa poured them both a glass of wine and they chatted companionably as they cooked together, effortlessly falling into sync as they moved around each other in the tiny kitchen. Lisa was struck by the mundane domesticity of it: she was cooking with her boyfriend, getting ready to have friends over for dinner on a Friday night. It was the sort of thing most women her age would take for granted, but she couldn’t quite believe that this was her life now, and she suddenly felt overwhelmed with happiness. Tears stung the backs of her eyes as she watched Grayson bend to put a tray of gratin potatoes into the oven.

  ‘Right, what’s next?’ he asked, brushing his h
ands as he straightened. ‘Lisa?’ His eyes widened in alarm as he saw her face. ‘What’s wrong?’

  She shook her head, brushing away a stray tear. ‘Nothing.’ She smiled reassuringly at him.

  Grayson frowned, stepping closer. ‘It’s something.’ His gaze flicked over her face. ‘What is it?’

  ‘I’m just being silly,’ she said as he put his arms around her.

  ‘Tell me,’ he said softly, brushing her cheek with the back of his hand.

  ‘I’m just so happy, that’s all.’ She felt her cheeks flush in embarrassment. ‘I’m so happy that you’re here, doing this with me.’

  Grayson smiled gently, his eyes crinkling at the corners. ‘Me too.’ He swept a strand of hair behind her ear. ‘I can’t quite believe that I get to be here with you,’ he said, echoing her thoughts. He bent to kiss her, his lips warm and firm as they clung to hers in a sweet, tender kiss.

  Lisa melted into his body, her eyes fluttering closed. She’d never felt so safe and loved as she did in his arms. They kissed softly, lingeringly, their lips coming together again and again as if drawn by an irresistible force. They only broke apart when the hiss and sizzle of hot liquid hitting the stove brought them back to the moment. They turned to find the water in one of the pans bubbling over.

  Grayson sighed. ‘We’d better stop or we’ll never get this dinner ready,’ he said, pulling away reluctantly.

  Lisa nodded. ‘You keep an eye on things in here, and I’ll go set the table.’

  She hadn’t been so excited about her birthday for a long time – not since her grandparents were alive – and she felt a little fluttering of anticipation as she arranged colourful candles and a tiny posy of flowers in the centre of the table. She was looking forward to Grayson meeting her friends and she felt so lucky that she could celebrate with all the people she cared about most.

  It would be a squeeze around her little table, but she knew no one would mind. She smiled to herself as she looked around the room, pleased with how pretty and festive it all looked. She had draped fairy lights around the window frame and placed candles along the shelving, so the room was lit by a soft glow. It felt cosy, intimate and informal, and was a million miles from the elegant dinner parties she had organised for Mark in the past.