The Things We See in the Light

by Amal Awad

  Luke’s entire body changes when he sees me. His tense expression softens into a smile. ‘Hey.’

  I move closer and pull him towards me.

  ‘Are you OK?’ he says.

  I lean in, suddenly hyper aware of the fragility of our connection, barely constructed. In a moment, Khaled could collapse it all.

  No. I am the destroyer. Everything I have kept hidden, once in view, will demolish all that I have built.

  I don’t respond, but find myself resting my forehead against Luke’s. He places a hand to the back of my head then kisses me on my crown.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ He steps away, resting his hands on my forearms, like he’s trying to keep me steady. ‘Sahar.’

  ‘I have to tell you something.’

  Luke waits but I give him nothing. ‘I’m guessing it’s not something good?’

  ‘I just don’t know where to start.’

  Luke is trying to stay neutral; I can see this in the way he studies me, how he stays close, his hands still on me. I move in and give him a hug.

  ‘I’d ask if you’re breaking up with me, but this isn’t generally how people do it,’ he says, trying to lighten the mood. He cracks a smile then brushes away some stray hairs from my face.

  ‘Do you consider me your girlfriend?’ I say, knowing this is hardly the point.

  ‘You can tell me anything,’ he says. ‘But I don’t think we should be talking about this in the pantry.’

  ‘After work at your place, then?’

  ‘OK.’ Luke hesitates then kisses the top of my head. ‘Get back to work,’ he says in a mock-stern tone, but I can see he is worried, his body tense as he returns to his task, his face no longer lit up by a smile.

  I’m on edge all day. I make mistakes with every task I undertake. I stare at my bag, because it contains my phone: the one link Khaled always has to me. Last night I sent him out of the apartment, but I have no idea where he landed.

  Khaled’s call comes at midday, just as I’m binning a botched tray of maple-glazed cinnamon scrolls. They are my recipe. I know how to make them by heart. They are burnt and bitter.

  I escape out onto the street to take the call.

  ‘I’m at a serviced apartment,’ Khaled says matter-of-factly, and I realise he had planned ahead. I forgot how wily he can be.

  ‘I’m busy, Khaled.’

  The sooner I see him, the quicker he’ll leave. I know this, and yet I want to delay proceedings. To cling to normality. Pretend that when I go into the bakery, I can be carefree, share flirtatious looks with Luke, and where my biggest problem will be Kat’s disapproval.

  ‘Sahar.’

  ‘Fine. We’ll meet tomorrow. I’ll message you the details.’

  Then I hang up and consider how and where I can end this once and for all.

  After work, Luke and I share a tense trip in his car back to his apartment, during which I try to formulate my explanation. What do I tell him? What do I owe him? How do I face him again once he has the truth?

  I look over and he meets my gaze with a half-hearted smile. He places a hand on my knee and squeezes it, then returns his hand to the steering wheel.

  When we reach his apartment, Luke switches on the lights then heads straight to the fridge. He offers to get me a drink. ‘I can make you tea, but I’m going to need a beer.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ I say. The nerves are crawling through my body, and I don’t want to draw this out. I take a seat on the couch and wait. Behind me I can hear Luke’s movements in the kitchen. There’s the sound of a beer bottle cap being released, a cupboard door being swung open followed by the flip of a rubbish bin lid.

  Then he’s beside me, taking a seat on the couch but allowing for some distance. He looks so different now that we’ve been together, and I want to forget I ever said anything and slide into his arms instead. I have never had a Luke before. Only a Khaled and a Naeem. Nothing and too much.

  ‘Would it help if I ask questions?’ he says, but his tone has a hint of frustration to it.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘What are you afraid of?’

  ‘You won’t look at me the same way after I tell you this.’

  ‘Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?’

  I swallow my nerves and take a deep breath. ‘Everything I told you about my time in Jordan is true. But I was in an unhappy marriage. I couldn’t have children. I stayed busy by working. And I loved my work.’ I turn to face Luke properly. ‘The person who got me the job was my brother-in-law.’

  I stop. Time seems to dissolve before I steady myself. I don’t know how long I sit there, waiting for the moment where it feels safe to release the truth.

  ‘We cared about each other. We didn’t have an affair exactly … but I loved him.’ I force myself to look up.

  Luke’s gaze is focused on something on the floor as he takes in the information.

  I feel tears threaten to spill out, but I finally let myself say the words I’ve been holding onto for so long. ‘He died in that explosion.’

  ‘OK,’ Luke finally says, like he understands. ‘OK.’

  ‘I didn’t want to tell you because I’m ashamed, and also because it’s in the past. But I think I needed to. And because … my ex-husband showed up last night.’

  Luke’s eyes widen but he lets me continue.

  ‘He wants something. I can’t bring his brother back, and he and I don’t like each other. But he’s not going to leave until he’s satisfied.’

  Luke exhales. As he makes a move, I expect him to get up, but then he surprises me by abandoning his beer bottle and taking my hand. ‘Sahar, we’re still new here. I don’t know when the right time is to talk about something like this. Maybe you didn’t need to tell me.’

  I flinch. ‘I understand.’

  ‘What do you understand?’

  ‘We’re new, so better to end it now, right?’

  Luke chuckles. ‘That’s not what I said.’

  ‘You didn’t need to, Luke. I can see it in your face.’ I release his grip.

  He lets out an exasperated sigh. ‘Sahar, you’ve just told me I’m competing with a ghost. I need a minute.’

  ‘You’re not competing with him. You’re just you.’

  Luke smiles. ‘But he’s still in your head. Still inside you. Right?’

  ‘I’m sorry, Luke. I swear, you weren’t an answer to a problem.’

  ‘I don’t want you to be sorry. I just want you to be OK. Do you need help with your ex?’ Luke is still here, making space for me. His hands find mine again.

  ‘No. I know him. He’ll tire himself out. I should go,’ I say, scrambling out of my seat.

  ‘You don’t have to,’ Luke says. He sweeps past me before I can reach the door. ‘Stay.’

  ‘After all that?’

  But then Luke’s hands, warm and soft, are brushing away the hair from my face, and his unwavering gaze remains on me. ‘I told you, Sahar. It’s a lot to take in, but I wasn’t telling you to go.’

  Relief fills me up and I move into his arms. Soon enough, his lips are on mine, his hands sweeping down my body.

  I wake to a dark room, a sliver of moonlight casting a silvery glow through the bedroom window. I’m beside Luke in his bed. I check my phone. It’s late, almost eleven.

  I have three messages from Khaled. I worry that he’s been by the apartment, but my fears are assuaged when I see I have no messages from Lara.

  Like a thief, I get out of bed and slip into my clothes. Thankfully, Luke doesn’t stir.

  At the door to the bedroom, I take one last look at him then I quietly gather the rest of my things from the living room and carefully open the front door.

  I am not going to drown myself in regret, but I have no business being here, trying to stop the inevitable destruction.

  The facade built in haste will crumble quickly. But I can stop it from hurting Luke.

  I come into work extra early on Monday and head straight to Maggie’s office by appointme
nt.

  Maggie indicates for me to sit, but I stay where I am, arms crossed.

  ‘Sahar, what is it?’ she says, kind but also curious.

  ‘I need a couple of days off, Maggie.’

  ‘I see. Including today?’

  I nod. ‘Yes. There’s something I need to handle and I think it’s going to cause some issues if I’m at work.’

  The idea of Khaled turning up here fills my mind, but it’s not an unrealistic possibility. I can see it happening; an ordinary day in the bakery, and he appears at the door of the kitchen, ready to disrupt my life.

  ‘Just a couple of days. I’m sorry, Maggie, I’m—’

  ‘In recovery. I know.’ She maintains her steady gaze, her eyes warm, concerned. ‘Are you in any sort of danger?’

  ‘No. I don’t think so.’

  This hardly appeases Maggie. She clasps her hands together on her desk. ‘Take longer, Sahar. Even if you think you don’t need it. Take the week at least.’ With a sigh, she rises from her seat to come towards me. She envelopes me in a hug and it’s too much. The loving act threatens to set me off, but I can’t detach and I begin to sob quietly in her arms. It feels like minutes have elapsed when I finally extricate myself.

  Maggie places her hands on my shoulders. ‘You came in here all those months ago ready to turn everything upside down. You’ll have that fire again, Sahar. You’ll see.’

  ‘Thank you, Maggie.’

  ‘I want you to check in with me. And we’re going to check in with you.’

  I leave Maggie’s office red-eyed and emotional. In the kitchen, Kat, Inez and Luke are gathered at his counter. The moment I appear, Kat and Inez make their way towards me.

  ‘Fucken hell,’ Kat murmurs, pulling me into a rough embrace.

  ‘You’re not leaving, are you?’ Inez says, and I shake my head.

  ‘I just need to sort some things out,’ I say. I look up and see Luke watching me, his face full of confusion.

  When they release me, Luke steps forward. ‘Can I talk to you alone?’

  I farewell Inez and Kat and follow Luke out of the kitchen. He leads me to the chocolate studio. It feels strange to be here with him. Our entire relationship was built in this space. It’s the first place I ever saw him, the first time I watched him at work and fell in love with his abilities.

  I feel numb, unsure what to say. But then Luke pulls me in for a hug and it’s not asking anything of me. I can sense it in the way he holds me. Tears spring to my eyes again, and I feel safe but also guilty. I had Luke under false pretences. He has every right to hate me, but instead, he’s taking care of me.

  I pull away.

  He looks down at me. ‘Why did you leave like that?’

  ‘Because I shouldn’t have stayed. I was just confusing things more.’

  ‘Don’t I get a say in that?’ When I don’t respond, he lowers his voice. ‘Don’t go.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Luke. I have to sort this out.’

  Luke shakes his head. ‘Let me help you. You don’t have to do this alone.’

  But I do. When I don’t respond, Luke moves away. ‘I guess I’ll see you when you’re back, then.’

  I nod. My mind sweeps longingly to our recent union, our bodies entwined. For a stretched-out moment, my past is buried. I can’t bear to leave him like this, so I move towards Luke and he wraps his arms around me.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ I tell him.

  ‘Me too.’

  I start to walk away, Luke’s hand still attached to my arm. Eventually he has to let go, but the look on his face almost makes me change my mind.

  The moment I leave the bakery, I feel like I can finally breathe. My departure felt like a goodbye. It wasn’t. I can’t imagine not returning. Everything I have worked so hard to achieve, and now Khaled’s presence has threatened to shatter it all.

  It is not an illusion, I tell myself. All of this, no matter how quickly I tried to put it together, means something.

  I walk down King Street and dial Leo.

  Chapter 26

  Control on the way down.

  It’s approaching sunset, and the sky is a glorious watercolour of orange and pink. Khaled is waiting for me outside Musicale. He’s dressed well for the occasion: tailored pants and a dress shirt. He looks like a young Arab bachelor, the type Dina used to make fun of when we frequented Abdoun to smoke shisha and spy on her latest love interest.

  I feel a pang of remorse for the loss of my relationship with her. The possibility that she exists in the world hating me physically hurts. But I understand why she hasn’t made contact. She was always the one who saw the truth of things, and I hope that even now, amid tragedy and loss, she can spiral to the heart of what has transpired.

  ‘We couldn’t do this at your place?’ Khaled is speaking in Arabic again. His English is strong, almost American because of his education, but he carries more weight speaking his mother tongue.

  I remember now. This is what he did when we were married: pushed me to speak in English so that he could improve, but when he was unhappy, I had to learn his language.

  I reply in English. ‘There’s no way I’m going to be alone with you, Khaled.’

  His eyes light up in anger. ‘Have I ever laid a hand on you?’

  ‘I’m not worried you’ll get violent.’

  ‘What then?’ he says in contained fury.

  I don’t answer, waiting for his emotions to fizzle out. I trail past him and knock on the door. I provide the password, and the door swings open.

  ‘You OK?’ Leo gives me a cautious smile.

  I nod. ‘Thank you for letting me use the space.’

  ‘I’ll be out of your way, but on standby.’ He gives me a look and I nod again. Really, I want to hug him, but Khaled will think I’m only doing it to provoke him.

  ‘Come on,’ I say, and Khaled follows me in, Leo maintaining some distance behind us.

  The room is empty and dimly lit. Instruments and microphone stands line the stage. I lead Khaled to a small table in the middle of the room. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Leo signal to me then disappear into the kitchen.

  Khaled is unimpressed. ‘I come all the way here and this is where you bring me? So you’re a drinker now?’

  ‘I’m not. But you’re one to talk.’

  He chuckles. ‘I forgot how smart you are.’ He drapes an arm around the back of the seat. He is a good-looking man, dripping in the kind of confidence most people only dream of having. ‘Can we at least get a drink, then?’ He looks to the bar.

  ‘What are you doing here, Khaled?’

  ‘You know what I want.’

  ‘I have no idea.’

  His eyes bright, Khaled cracks a smile like he knows a secret, then leans towards me. ‘I used to think there was no way you were really so innocent. No one’s that sheltered. Now I know you’re a good actress.’

  ‘OK, Khaled.’

  ‘Do you think I’m stupid?’

  ‘I think you’re a lot of things. But you’re not stupid. Just selective.’

  ‘Meaning?’

  ‘Ignorance is bliss.’

  ‘I wasn’t ignorant. Did you fuck him?’

  My breath catches in my throat. I raise my head to face Khaled, to look him in the eyes. ‘I didn’t sleep with him. But I did love him.’

  Khaled sucks in a breath. His eyes grow dark. ‘You were still acting like a slut. What do you think people are saying about you? What do you think they’re saying about him? Who comes out looking the best, do you think?’

  ‘I can only imagine what people must be saying about you, Khaled.’

  Khaled’s voice is a furious whisper, but it’s getting louder. ‘Do you really think he loved you? You were a novelty to him. Magda spat him out when she saw what he was. A dreamer. Some big-shot doctor who wanted to save the world.’

  ‘You’re upset. I understand. But I wasn’t the right wife for you,’ I say, my own anger now rising. ‘You didn’t even care about me. Why did you let me come
? Why did you make me stay? You’re so fucking proud!’

  Khaled tries to stare me down, but long-held resentment is boiling within me, and my words are finally tumbling free.

  ‘Do you think I was happy? Do you think I enjoyed being ignored by you? The only time you looked at me was when you wanted to fuck me.’

  ‘God damn that mouth of yours, Sahar.’

  ‘I would curse the day I met you. The only thing that stops me is that if I hadn’t met you, I wouldn’t have met your brother.’

  Khaled jolts and knocks over the vase in the centre of the table. He’s breathing deeply, but I’m not afraid of him. It’s not Leo’s hulking presence, nor the comfort of an empty, forgiving space. It’s the removal of the mask, at last. I no longer need to pretend. I have grown too much to go back.

  Still. I know my part in this, and I train my gaze on Khaled. ‘If Naeem could still be alive and the price was that I never get to see him again, I swear to God I would want him to be alive. I’m not going to make excuses for what happened between us. It wasn’t right, but I couldn’t stop it.’

  A few tears unexpectedly but rapidly spill from my eyes. Khaled’s anger dies down. Now he is morose.

  ‘I’m sorry for my part,’ I tell him. ‘I never intended to make trouble for you or your family.’

  Khaled’s energy slowly thins out – it’s not soft, but the edges of his emotions are now blunt instead of sharp and ready to cut into me. He plays with the overturned vase, his eyes downcast. I wait for the next onslaught, but instead he breaks down into tears.

  I don’t know what to do. But as I watch him sobbing, his body shaking, his breath coming short and sharp, I realise I have to do something. The release is painful. It physically hurts. I know from experience.

  I move my seat closer to him and tentatively extend a hand towards him.

  Khaled grabs my hand, then turns and leans into me, and I find myself allowing it. I can barely contain him in my arms.

  ‘He’s gone,’ Khaled sputters.