by Ina Carter
“How come you never approached me? I think I would have recognized you if you stood in front of me,” I whispered. After all, I did recognize him from one picture at a baseball game. My question made Kevin chuckle.
“Actually, I did approach you a few times.” He smirked.
“When?” I asked startled.
“I was an idiot, Lauren. Promise me you won’t be mad. In the last few years, I did have the same notion, that if you haven’t forgotten about me, you would recognize me. I hoped that maybe we could reconnect and be friends again. One time I followed you to Starbucks. You were having coffee with some blond chick. I sat across from you and stared at you like some demented moron. Your friend noticed me and even gave you a sign, probably thinking I was checking you out or something. You barely lifted your eyes to look my way. One other time, I ran next to you down at the beach, you slowed down, and stopped to make me pass you. Not even a glimpse…” He sounded a bit hurt.
“Jesus Kevin. I didn’t look at you probably because you are…” I looked at his muscled arms and solid chest and blushed trying to find the right words to explain it to him.
“I am what?” He pressed me.
“Because you are a hot guy, and I don’t look at studs like you.” I spilled the truth.
I was afraid to look at him to see his reaction, but he lifted my chin and made me meet his eyes. They were like the ocean in rage, ready to storm the shore and crash everything on its wake.
“They did a lot of damage on your self-esteem, didn’t they?” He sounded angry, but his actions were a contradiction. He pulled my head to his chest and held me there. His heart was racing hard, thumping in the same rhythm as mine. I wanted to calm down the tempest to bring back a smile on his face.
“I did recognize you, though. I saw your picture at one of your baseball games last year. This is why I made a deal with my parents, so they would let me come to USC, and I would get a chance to meet you. My Dad wanted to send me to Stanford, and he only agreed to let me stay here if I joined that sorority,” I said.
Kevin’s arms tightened around me. He probably still felt guilty about that day.
“You told me you were desperate…” he whispered, remembering the words I said to him. “I am sorry, Lauren. I should have talked to you like a normal person that day. I just got so mad, thinking I was wrong about you, and you were like them. Watching you from a distance, you seemed more like the girl I remembered, and… I was disappointed when I saw you wearing that short skirt and being part of that crowd.”
I knew that he was still mad at himself for how he acted that day, and I now understood why, but something about it made me laugh.
“When you raced me to the field, you did make me look at you, didn’t you?” I chuckled and felt his chest shake with laughter, too. When I looked at him, his face relaxed, and there was another sparkle in his eyes.
“You know what’s even funnier. I also turned down Stanford because of you. I started getting the college acceptance letters, but all I could think of was that you were here in California, so I couldn’t leave,” he admitted. His confession did something to me, my chest expanded hard to contain my heart.
Kevin cared. All those years, he never let go, no matter what. Liam said they never knew why he turned down so many big opportunities, and it was because of me.
“I am making you sad again,” Kevin noted. “How about we have a fresh start. I know eventually we’ll have to talk more about the past, but let’s do that one thing at the time. Leave this heavy stuff behind for now. Can we be friends, Lauren?” he asked hopefully.
“We were always friends, Kevin,” I told him.
“No, Lauren. I thought of you as my sister, who was also a friend. But now things are different, we are different. Can we start fresh and have an adult friendship and build new memories together?”
He was right, and we did need a fresh start. The past was filled with too much misery, and if the two of us wanted to move on, we had to let go of everything.
“I would love that, Kevin,” I answered quietly. He kissed the top on my head and let me out of his embrace.
“Okay, so then go change, and let’s do something fun today,” he declared.
“Oh, don’t you have stuff to do?” I asked. It was surprising that he was still here. By this time the previous week, he was out of the house before dawn to go to the gym or to baseball practice.
“It’s okay. I called Jason, my trainer, and told him I am not feeling well. Here – this is my class schedule.” He pointed to the paper he put on the fridge next to my own calendar. “Let’s coordinate time, so we can find when we can hang out together.”
Kevin seemed eager to spend time with me and that made me happy. We were finally up to a new start.
I rushed to take a shower and to dress quickly. Kevin was waiting for me in the living room, his hair still wet and messy, but he looked good in his faded jeans and a fitted green t-shirt. I was not kidding when I told him he was a stud. I barely had a glimpse of his tattoos last night, and I was tempted to examine the details of the pictures he marked permanently on his body, but I didn’t want to stare like I was the one checking him out. That’s not what friends did.
“Ready? It seems we have a few hours before you have to go to class?” he noted, apparently already aware of my schedule for the day.
“Where are we going?” I asked eagerly. This was going to be fun. A carefree day with my old friend, without worry or arguments.
“Library.” He deadpanned, but I was not sure if he was kidding. It was our old hang out spot once, after all.
“Kidding, Lauren. I said we should build new memories.” He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and lead me to the door.
We took his car since he knew where we were going. We stopped by Starbucks to grab coffee and breakfast, but I didn’t ask more questions because I wanted to be surprised. The drive was short, and we made a turn to the Dodgers stadium. The baseball season was over, so I had no idea what Kevin had in mind. He showed a card to the gate attendant, and the guy let us pass through. Kevin parked at the top level of the parking lots and came to open the door for me.
“Do you need to pick up something for Liam?” I tried to probe, but Kevin just gave me a mysterious smile.
He took my hand in his, and we walked to the top of the stairs to the stadium entrance. I’d never been here, but the view from the top of the hill was amazing. We stopped for a moment to watch the Los Angeles skyline and the Hollywood sign visible in the distance. Kevin held my hand, watching my starry-eyed reaction to the beauty of our surroundings.
“Makes you feel like you are on top of the world, doesn’t it?” he spoke quietly, even though he was looking at me, not the view.
“Wow, Kevin. It’s beautiful.” I looked into his eyes, and they were the color of the trees below us, intense green like they were charged with the life of nature and speckled with sun kisses.
“When I started playing for Liam’s Dad in high school, after my first strike in a game, he gave me the most amazing gift anyone has ever given me- season tickets for the Dodgers. It was a big deal, considering I didn’t even have ESPN to watch baseball. When I first came here… I did feel like I was on top of the world. Especially the one I knew. Those were my happy memories, and this was my happy place.”
And he wanted to share them with me. Now I got why he brought me here. I didn’t know anything about baseball, but I understood what it was to have a dream. Seeing the happiness on his face, the way he took a deep breath, inhaling the essence of this place, told me how special it was for him. He pulled my hand and led me towards an entrance on the side of the building. We passed by the Dodgers’ gift store, and I peeked inside.
“Hey, can we go inside so I can get a t-shirt? The jersey Liam gave me is comfy but too large for me,” I asked. Kevin pulled on my hand, urging me to keep going.
“It’s a long line, Lauren,” he murmured.
“There is no one inside,” I stopped and poi
nted out at the empty store. I had no idea what was wrong with Kevin all of a sudden.
“I meant it is a long line for Liam’s fan club.” He frowned.
“Oh, my god, do you think I jumped on Liam’s fan train? It is just a t-shirt, Kevin. And I like Liam, but not in that way.” I cleared up, rolling my eyes at his stupid assumption. He looked at me and smirked.
“Sorry, Lauren. That came across wrong. I am a bit peeved he has the name Tanner trademarked, and everyone in L.A. is wearing it on their backs already. How am I supposed to leave my own mark one day?”
“Oh, poor baby. If I was you, instead of being jealous of your brother, how about you set some goals for yourself? Let’s say in five years when people see a Tanner jersey, it would be Kevin that comes to mind, not Liam. Until then, let him have his glory days,” I suggested.
This made Kevin grin, like I offered him my full water bottle in the middle of the desert and told him to drink it all. “You know how to calm the beast, Lauren! You are a wizard,” he joked.
“It’s a witch, but okay. You know if it wasn’t for Hermione, Harry and Ron would have been dead in book one, right? So, you are welcome!” I teased him, and my book reference made him laugh while he led me to the entrance of the stadium.
Inside the gate was an open terrace with a view to the field below. Kevin approached a security guard standing behind a kiosk, and the man beamed widely at him like he recognized him.
“What’s up Tanner?” he greeted him and reached over the stand to fist bump him. The man was an older, African-American who had a big open smile and warm eyes.
“Hi James, I know it’s not a tour day, but do you think me and this young lady can sneak in? My friend here has never been to a baseball game or seen the inside of a stadium, so I wanted to show her around.”
James looked at me, raising his eyebrows. “You kidding me. You are friends with Tanner and never saw a game?” He gawked.
“I am an old friend, from before Kevin started playing baseball. We just recently reconnected, so I guess he is trying to sway me to come to his games.” I went with the truth.
The man looked between us, and his lips stretched wider. “I see. Go ahead, kids; it’s dead in here, so no one would bother you. And Kevin, if anyone asks, just tell them you are scouting the facilities. You know the Dodgers are keeping an eye on you for the draft. You had a great practice with the team this summer, son. Too bad you are a long shot for us, but we can dream, right?”
“Ha, ha! No way they can handle two Tanners on the same team. Who knows, if I get drafted somewhere else, maybe they’ll trade me to the Dodgers eventually?” Kevin joked. “Thanks, James, I owe you one.”
Kevin and I walked to the railing and looked down at the stadium. I gasped when I saw how big it was. It was built on a slope, and it looked like a coliseum, the field like a small picture on a postcard, surrounded with rows and rows of seats. I looked at Kevin, and he still had this dreamy look on his face like he was lost in some fantasy.
“You are not jealous of Liam, Kev. I think I know what’s your secret. This was “your team,” and you want to play for the Dodgers too, alongside your brother.” I poked him.
Kevin looked at me surprised, but his smile was a bit sad. “That’s the thing, Lauren. Chances of that happening are slim. A lot of stars have to align for that, and I don’t think luck strikes you twice. I think I already got one wish, so that would be it for me.”
He pulled me to him and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. My heart was about to burst. He meant me – finding me was his wish come true.
“Let’s go downstairs. Wait until you see the stadium from below. It’s magnificent.” Kevin sounded excited.
We took the elevator to the first floor and bypassed some rooms that looked like training facilities. Kevin said he would show me around later, but he seemed in a hurry to get to the baseball park.
We climbed a small set of stairs, and the crisp air and smell of freshly mowed grass welcomed us outside. On our right side was the Dodgers’ dugout, with a long row of wooden benches, and the team logo on the wall behind them. Kevin looked at the dugout and then at me, a shadow crossing his face.
He pulled on my hand and turned me to him, his eyes troubled. “I need to apologize to you, Lauren,” he whispered, “I was an asshole that day when I made you scrub the dugout at Dedeaux field.”
Kevin was still guilty, and even though the memory was not happy for me either, I didn’t want him to dwell on the past on this day. I wanted to bring back the smile on his face.
“Oh, I’ll get you for that, I promise. I’ll find you the dirtiest job around the house. When Liam comes back, his house better be licked clean,” I tried to joke.
“As you did to my grandma’s house yesterday?” Kevin mumbled. He was silent for a moment, watching me with some strange expression, like the wheels in his head were spinning, and he was contemplating something.
“Thank you, Lauren. You keep cleaning my messes, and… You were right, I should have cleaned that dump a long time ago. I am hanging on to all this baggage, which is dragging me down,” he admitted.
“You don’t have to thank me, Kevin. I didn’t clean that house by myself.” I told him the truth. “Your next-door neighbors Jose and Maria came to help, and then most of the neighborhood joined them. Those people did that for you. Everyone there loves you.”
Kevin seemed surprised to hear his neighbors stepped in to help, and he seemed touched, his eyes sparkling with moisture.
“They are all good people, Lauren. It’s why I go back there every week to repay them for their kindness. Jose and Maria and some other people from the hood… if it wasn’t for them, I would have probably ended up in juvie or started dealing on the streets to get a bite to eat. They fed my grandma and me almost every night…” he whispered.
“I am curious about what happened with your grandma, but you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to talk about it today. You said we should focus on the good stuff…” I offered.
His voice was calm and matter of fact when he spoke, “It’s okay, Lauren. I need to get this off my chest and let go of it. We can’t move on, make peace with the past if we keep it locked inside us. For years I did exactly that – held on to the memories, let them torture me, and at times ruin good moments that I should have enjoyed with the people who loved me. I don’t want to keep secrets from you and let them affect our relationship.” He smiled a little, his fingers grazing over the side of my face. He used to do this when we were kids and tell me that I had a smile button bellow my ear. He pressed it every time I was sad about something and wanted to cheer me up. Maybe he was right because my lips stretched in response to his touch, completely involuntary, even though my heart felt heavy, waiting to hear a story that was not a happy one.
“Before I came to live with my grandma, I was in a few foster homes in Dallas. How I ended up there is another story that I’ll tell some other time. That one, I need more time to gather the strength to share. Anyway, the foster parents were not bad people, but I was trouble. I kept acting out, stealing money, and running away. Trying to make it to California… The last time I got on a bus, I made it almost to Arizona before the driver noticed I was alone and called the police on me. The social worker in charge of my case started digging and found Connie’s mother. They were estranged for years, and I’d never met her before. Jack’s parents were both dead, so she was the only living relative I had. I didn’t understand why Letty came to get me, all I cared about was that she was going to bring me to my final destination. To you.” He paused; his eyes heavy with emotion. It was surreal to hear his admission that finding me, keeping his promise, was his only desire for years after we parted. My heart was doing somersaults in my chest, feeling overwhelmed by the fact that I mattered to Kevin that much. It was cruel that after he spent years trying to come to California, my father crushed his soul and let him believe I had forgotten him and didn’t want to see him.
“When I moved here
, Letty’s house was not as bad as you saw it. They assigned a social worker who came to check on us for about six months. At the time, grandma had a part-time job as a cashier at the grocery store, and with the government benefits for my care and some welfare support, we made ends meet. The thing about passing a child to the care of a relative is that once it’s established that the care is adequate, the government washes their hands of responsibility unless someone alerts them of neglect or abuse.
“Letty was not mean to me, and at the beginning things were somewhat normal. I helped her around the house because she was disabled, walked with a cane everywhere. At the time, I had no idea she was hooked on painkillers because she was somewhat functional. Before she came to take me from Texas, she had a bad fall and broke her hip. After the surgery, they gave her oxycodone for the pain, and she got dependent. Come to think of it, she probably took me because she needed the extra money for my care to feed her addiction.
“Seven-eight months later, she got fired from her job for being shaky and nauseous all the time, and things went downhill. I was thirteen and had no idea how to help her or how to deal with her addiction. When she wasn’t sleeping, she would go out from one free clinic to another, trying to get another prescription and money to pay for it. Then came the hoarding. She would drive around town on weekends, go to garage sales, and take everything that people didn’t sell and planned to throw away. She thought she could somehow find useful stuff in their garbage to pawn or resale.
“The thing about addicts is that they are irrational and driven only by their cravings. At first, I tried to clean the bags and the junk, but she yelled at me not to touch her stuff. I think she had moments when she had no idea who I was or if I was even living under her roof. If it wasn’t for the neighbors, or later for Richard and his family, I don’t know if I would have made it…”
Kevin stopped talking and took a deep breath, obviously having difficulties sharing with me the nightmare he had to endure. I didn’t want to interrupt him, but I reached for him and wrapped my arms around his waist, hugging him closer to me.