by Ina Carter
“I feel guilty sometimes that she died, and I didn’t do much to help her, Lauren. When Richard took me under his wing and started bringing me to his house, I found an escape and excuse not to go back to that place. I let her rot in there…” he whispered.
“Kevin, no.” I looked at him pointedly. “You can’t blame yourself for what happened to your grandmother. You were just a kid, and she was supposed to take care of you, not the other way around.”
“Yes, I know that logically, but later I kept wondering if I should have done things differently. If I shared with Liam or with his parents what was really going on at home, they would have called social services. She might have gotten help and rehabilitation.
“When I went to their home, it was the first time in my shitty life that I saw what normal families were like. They loved each other, took care of each other. Their house was clean, both Richard and Larisa cooked dinner together, laughed with their children. It was another world, and I wanted to belong to it, even for a snippet of time. It was selfish of me, Lauren. I was ashamed to tell them about the nightmare I was running away from, about grandma’s opioid addiction, about anything that I had endured since birth. Richard saw something in me, nurtured my potential, and made me believe in myself, and I was afraid I’d disappoint him if he knew the truth.”
“I don’t blame you, Kevin,” I whispered “We were both conditioned to be ashamed of who we are, and of circumstances we had no control over. Remember those kids who made fun of us and called us trailer trash? Even the teachers at school were condescending, not expecting too much of us. Shame has always been congenital in our psyche, and people have proved to us over and over that they would judge us, regardless of how hard we tried to overcome our upbringings. My parents used my own shame to manipulate me and stomp on the little fight I had in me for years. Deep down, I believed I was less because I was put down so many times,” I admitted.
Kevin pulled me tighter to him like he wanted to take away the pain, or because he understood it perfectly.
“I know. That’s why we read all those books because we wanted to prove the world wrong and show everyone we were smart. But that doesn’t really fix your own belief of self-worth, does it? I got lucky that in the last eight years I had people who rebuilt me as a person, Lauren. The Tanners not only gave me their name but made me discover my worth and believe my dreams were not impossible. You never had that, and it breaks my heart when I see the insecurity in your eyes.”
“I am not insecure, Kevin.” I slapped his chest because he was drawing the wrong conclusions from what I said to him. “I had good people in my life too, and I learned to love myself. I think I said fuck you to my parents' attempts to make me feel inferior when I was sixteen, and ran away from their house. It was a journey of self-discovery, and probably the best decision I’ve ever made.”
“You what? You ran away?” He was surprised by my admission.
“Yeah, for three months, I couched-surfed with friends, camped on the beach, and discovered my own worth. When they returned me back to the golden cage, I was already a free spirit and knew what I wanted in life. They knew they couldn’t manipulate me any longer, so they found other ways to exert control…” I said elusively.
Telling him about Max and Tyron meant admitting my father still had cards in his deck to beat me, and I was trying to convince Kevin I was stronger than he gave me credit for.
“Why would you think I am insecure? Because I said I won’t look at hot guys?” I nudged him, but it was more like I was trying to change the subject. Kevin smirked because it was exactly what crossed his mind.
“Oh, my God. It’s not like I haven’t dated good looking guys, Kevin. My last boyfriend was actually a total dreamboat. I just got badly burned and decided to stay away from attractive men because they rely on their looks and don’t care to put the work in a relationship.”
I was totally exaggerating my dating experience, but I had a point to make.
“So, do I need to beat the dreamboat for you?” Kevin chuckled.
“No need. I dropped him pretty bad, and he landed hard. How about instead of threatening my exes, you do your duty as a friend and entertain me.” I poked him. This seemed to lighten the mood, and he grabbed my hand, leading me to the baseball field.
The grass was so neatly trimmed it looked like someone had cut it with small scissors to make it look completely uniform in size. I was afraid to step on it and leave an imprint. Kevin seemed unperturbed and pulled me onto the turf after him. He got onto the infield and dropped down, grabbing my waist and making me sit in front of him. I nestled between his legs and leaned my back on his chest. His closeness felt familiar, just like when we were kids, and we had done the same when we read a book. Not that we were kids anymore, but it seemed that our affection had not changed. We had picked up from where we had left off twelve years ago, and it felt right.
“So, there it is, Lauren. The dream.” He looked up at the empty seats and sighted next to my ear.
He was right that from down here the stadium looked even more glorious than looking at the field from above. I could imagine what it would feel like to have those seats filled with a cheering crowd, people screaming your name, celebrating your success. Thousands of fans who came here only to see you. Kevin’s chest was rising and falling, like he was also taking it all in, losing himself in the fantasy he might play here one day.
“You have no idea what it was like to play here for the first time. The energy of the crowd seeps into you and makes you crave it. I want to do this every day for as long as I can.”
“You played here?” I was surprised.
“Yup, they have a College Baseball Classics game each year before the major’s season starts. You should come to watch me in March and see what I am talking about,” he said wistfully.
“Be a fangirl? Don’t you have like hundreds of them already?” I teased him.
“It’s why I want it so bad, isn’t it – for the fame, the money, and of course the women?” he laughed. “No, but seriously, this felt like a victory. The little redneck kid from the middle of nowhere, Texas, playing in one of the largest baseball stadiums in the world.”
“Liam said that they started scouting you in high school, Kevin. Why didn’t you enter the draft then?” I asked cautiously. He admitted this morning he turned down opportunities to play for a better college team, so he could stay in California. Because of me. A pinch of guilt pinged in my chest, thinking he might have turned down a professional career for the same reason.
“It was a multitude of factors,” he said his voice trailing. “First, I wanted to go to college and get a degree. I am majoring in business, so now I have a plan “B” if baseball fails. Also, when I was eighteen, I wasn’t ready. Baseball is a mental game and to play on a professional level, you have to know how to handle the pressure. At that time, I was still a mess, not sure of myself, figuring things out. I had this big gap in my heart…”
I turned my head to him, and our eyes met. Some energy passed between us, which made me feel a strange connection to Kevin that was new. The thought of sharing his dream and watching him achieve it suddenly felt like a need, not a wish on my friend’s behalf.
“What about now?” I said quietly.
“Now, I am finally where I wanted to be for a long time,” he whispered, but there was something unspoken. Something deeper passed between us than the bond we once had. My lips parted, trying to form the next question, maybe afraid to even ask him what he meant.
The fleeing moment between us was shattered by a spray of cold water. The sprinklers turned on, and Kevin jumped quickly, still holding on to my waist, and he carried me with him as he ran to the gravel outside the field.
He put me down, looked at my wet t-shirt and averted his eyes. I took the main hit of the water stream, and my white t-shirt was drenched. It turned almost transparent, and my blue bra underneath was clear to see. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and started laughing because thi
s was hilarious.
“Now, I’ll have to go buy Liam’s jersey.” I teased him.
Kevin rolled his eyes, “Okay, I think he has some spares in his locker. Let’s get you changed before James thinks our tour ended in the showers.” He smirked.
Yup, that guy totally assumed Kevin brought me here as his date and might assume it went a little too well.
Chapter 14
When we got back into the stadium, Kevin opened a door leading to a hall full of awards lined in glass cases on the walls. He was not in a hurry to get me out of my wet t-shirt and started showing me around, pointing to different golden gloves, world cup trophies, and telling me about the baseball players who won them, or the games that got the Dodgers the win. He was a fascinating historian, and even though I had zero knowledge of baseball, his love for the game and the men who played it before him, made me listen to every word he said. Kevin was telling me about the most famous Dodgers player, a name I’d heard before – Jackie Robinson, and the award named after him for Rookie of The Year. At the end of the wall, he pointed to a wooden plaque and grinned.
“Recognize this guy’s name?” he nudged me. I read the engraving that said, Liam Tanner.
The pride on Kevin’s face was obvious. After listening to his explanation about this sport that had millions of fans around the world, it must be something exceptional to be related to someone who had reached the highest level of achievement. Kevin was looking at me, measuring my reaction, like he was curious if Liam’s fame was getting to me.
“Wow. You know how to warm my gold-digging heart, don’t you?” I teased him again. “But you can’t fool me, Kev. You are solidly on Liam’s fan train, too.”
His lips stretched wide, and he nodded in agreement. “Of course, I am proud of him, Lauren. Liam is my best friend, and his success has always been an inspiration for me.”
“Wow. That totally hurt.” I joked, holding my heart dramatically, “I better step up my game, then, and reclaim the spot of best friend.”
Kevin looked at me pointedly, like he was about to say something, but changed his mind, “Let’s get you out of those wet clothes because it’s getting late.”
He opened the door to the Club House, which was basically a large locker room. I looked around curiously, reading the names of players above each cubicle, but none of them sounded familiar. I bet some diehard fans would have a field day if they were in this private room where their favorite players spent most of their time. The room looked like a lounge with comfortable couches, tables, and big screen TV’s, like it was not just a place to change clothes, but to relax and prep for the game.
Kevin went straight to a locker at the end of the room and entered a code on the digital keypad. I arched an eyebrow at him in surprise, and he grinned. “Liam is bad with passwords. He uses the same one for everything, and I learned it before junior year in high school.” He admitted.
He rummaged through the few belongings inside and pulled out a white and blue jersey, handing it to me. He got up and opened another door leading to something like a dining room with a long table and a bar counter for food setting.
“You can change here.” He smiled and handed me the jersey. I was quick to strip out of my wet t-shirt and slip on the dry one. It was, of course, too big on me, hanging almost to my knees. I gathered the shirt at my waist and was tying it into a knot, murmuring stuff about giants, when I went back to the locker room. Kevin was down on one knee, writing something on a piece of paper. He stuck it in Liam’s locker, closed the door, and entered the code to lock it.
“Oh, love notes! What did you write to him?” I asked and made his mischievous smile make an appearance. It was the side of Kevin I loved the most when we were kids. It was good to know the prankster was still alive and well.
“I wrote him to have a good season on the top, and he better make MVP in the next few years because I am on his tail. He might be the best pitcher in the league, but there is no one who knows all of his tricks like I do. If I get to play against him, he is toast, and he knows it.” Kevin winked. I started laughing because Liam said something along the same lines. Not that I’d tell Kevin – he seemed to have a pretty big ego when it came to baseball and didn’t need to hear that his brother agreed with him.
“Rivalry. I love it.” I leered. “Too bad I was never into gold-digging to challenge my sister Bianca on something. Though I am sure if my Dad informed her that I was dating Liam, she is already eating her little heart out, thinking I snatched a real Major League player, while she is merely dating some wannabe from Stanford.”
Kevin lifted an eyebrow. “You have a sister?” He seemed surprised.
“Yeah, you wanna meet her? She would totally trade her boyfriend for you in a heartbeat, considering she likely Googles all MLB draft prospects and their potential contracts.” I joked.
“It seems there is no love lost between you and your sister, ha?”
“Yeah, put her on your hit list. She was not any better than my parents, Kev. Always hated me. I bet all of them wished I was never found. Honestly, I wished the same…” I admitted.
Kevin lowered his head, and his fists clenched at his side. He turned to me and grabbed me like some protective instinct took over him.
“I will never let them hurt you again, Lauren!” His low voice came as a threat as much as it was a promise. Somehow, I knew this time he was going to keep it.
We drove home so I could change before I had to go to class. Kevin insisted to come with me to campus like he was not willing to let go of me. He walked with me to the building and told me he’d wait for me at Starbucks on campus when I was done.
For some reason, I couldn’t focus on the lecture, and English lit was my favorite class this semester. My mind kept wandering off, thinking of the events that had transpired in the last day. It was surreal to even think that Kevin and I had been on good terms for less than 24 hours, and we had fallen into the old patterns of our childhood friendship so quickly.
It was a bit different, though – Kevin was different. There was an edge to him that he didn’t have as a kid; conversations were intense, like he kept a lot inside and didn’t wear his heart on his sleeve like when we were little. The easy-going boy had turned into a complicated, multilayered man.
Professor Thomson was talking about 14th century English poetry which should have been an interesting subject, but all I kept thinking of was 21st century baseball. It was strange that during the tour of Dodger’s stadium, Kevin had made sports interesting, showing me how much history and culture hid behind something that was meant as entertainment. I also understood his love for the sport. He always strived for perfection, learned things not because he was competitive, but because it was his personal challenge.
(thirteen years ago)
I heard on the school notification system, “Kevin Mason, go to the principal’s office at lunch,” and my heart sank. Was Kevin in trouble? After class, I ran as fast as I could to the school’s office. The door to principal McAllister’s room was ajar, and Kevin was just sitting across the desk from her. I took the chair closest to the door and listened to what they were saying.
“Kevin, Mr. Peterson told me you don’t want to participate in the school math competition. He said you have the highest grade in your class, and he doesn’t understand your reluctance.”
Kevin was quite like he was thinking of how to answer. I didn’t know he was good at math. Last year he was saying he didn’t get the numbers and had bad grades.
“I know what you think, Mrs. McAllister, that I can get an award or something. I don’t care for those. Many people are only happy when they win something, but that ain’t me. I just saw something I was bad at and wanted to know the answers. Winning is to prove you are smarter than anyone else. I studied the math books, so I could prove to myself I ain’t stupid, and now math is easy, that’s all.”
I peeked inside, and Mrs. McAllister was smiling at Kevin.
“You have a good attitude, Kevin, and you
are right. Sometimes the personal achievements are the most important ones.”
After my class was over, I hurried to Starbucks. Kevin was sitting at a table in the corner, his head buried in a book. Things really hadn’t changed that much. What had changed was the picture of Kevin, with his broad shoulders, muscled arms, and crooked smile hunched over a small paperback. I looked around the coffee shop, and there were a few groups of girls, and even some guys, staring at him with glazed eyes. Yeah, he was a not only handsome, but obviously smart.
He lifted his eyes from the book to look at the door and saw me watching him. His lips stretched into a full-on smile, and he put down the book, I walked to his table and took the empty chair next to him.
“What are you reading?” I glimpsed over the title. “Oh, The Alchemist. Searching for answers to all existential life questions, ha?”
Kevin started laughing. “Yeah, I had a lot of them in the last week or two. I remembered Paulo Coelho was full of wisdom, so I decided to read the book again. Listen to this…” He picked the book and read me a short passage. “‘I don’t live in either my past or my future. I’m interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man. Life will be a party for you, a grand festival because life is the moment we’re living now.’”
“And yet, all day, we’ve been talking either about the past or the future.” I nudged him.
“No, we were remembering the past and talking about the future, but we were present, Lauren. There is a big difference, you know. What Coelho means is that sometimes people get stuck when they are able to feel emotions only in past tense. I have done it plenty of times, getting lost in memories, which were more real to me than what was happening in my life at the time. To live in the future is when you start getting ahead of yourself and daydream too much. When the goals become more important than what you have in front of you.”