Crimson Snow

by Ina Carter

  I stared at him a little dumbstruck because Kevin was way deeper than most people I knew. He drew philosophical conclusions about life, and they resonated deep into my own soul. I was also guilty of the same – for years, the memories were more real than the present, or the dreams of being free and independent were my source of happiness. Kevin was right that today felt real because I didn’t want to be anywhere but here with him.

  “You have to give me that book when you are done.” I nod at the novel on the table. “The one Coelho book I’ve read was Veronica Decides to Die, and it was appropriate when I was in the loony bin. Someone left it in my hospital room. Apparently, it was a popular read for mental patients, considering it was about a girl who had a mental illness.”

  For some reason, I didn’t have the usual reservation talking to Kevin about the fact that I was once in a mental hospital. I knew he was not going to judge me. He placed his hand on top of mine over the table and grazed my fingers with his thumb.

  “Was it your PTSD?” he asked quietly.

  “No, it was my punishment for running away from home. I didn’t have an episode or anything. I told you I was happy when I was free, and my parents didn’t like it. So, they had to lock me up and numb the joy with meds.”

  Kevin’s brows scrunched again, and I felt bad for upsetting him with my trip down memory lane. I pulled my hand from under his and poked him in the chest with one finger.

  “Hey, happy thoughts, remember. Don’t get lost in that daydream of committing premeditated murder.”

  “Am I that obvious?” He smirked, to which I nodded.

  “You know, I am starving.” He smiled and changed the subject “How about we go get some lunch? If I eat something else from Starbucks again, Miranda will kick my butt.”

  “Miranda?” I questioned.

  “My nutritionist – Miranda Feldman. She is totally a bitch when it comes to my off-season routine and wants me to keep a full diary of every bite I put in my mouth. Sleep, weight training, cardio…”

  I had no idea that his sports routine, even as a college player, was that demanding. Kevin was totally set for a professional career if he already had people working to keep him healthy and in good shape.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?” Kevin noted my silence. “You know Liam has two personal trainers and different programs he needs to follow everyday offseason and on game days.”

  “No, honestly, I am happy for you. You are already half-way to the dream. You should tell me what you shouldn’t eat, so I don’t leave it in the fridge and tempt Miranda to kill me. Does she do home inspections?” I joked.

  “Don’t even mention something like that, or you’ll give her ideas. She can hear from miles away, I swear.” He looked around like he was checking if his advisor might be hiding somewhere, feigning a fearful expression on his face.

  Kevin put the book in the back pocket of his jeans and threw the empty cup from his coffee in the trash can so he could take my hand. We were just about to leave when a group of girls in Trojan’s sports attire entered the coffee shop. One tall brunette saw Kevin and her whole face lit up. She split from her friends and came to his side, placing her hand on his chest.

  “Hey, Kev. I got your text the other day, but it has been crazy busy. I was about to text you back and see if you have time this weekend to maybe catch up?” she said to him, her tone familiar like they were close.

  She was gorgeous with coffee-colored curly hair, big brown eyes with long lashes, almost as tall as Kevin, killer body with long, toned legs. She was obviously an athlete, wearing a jersey with the USC logo and fitted tiny shorts. In the mesh bag on her shoulder, I noticed the volleyball, so I didn’t have to guess what sport she played.

  Kevin was smiling back at her, but he was still holding my hand. The girl looked down and noticed our embrace, and her smile disappeared. “Oh, I see,” she mumbled a bit disappointed. Kevin seemed oblivious to what was going on or to the wrong signals we were sending.

  “Hi, Natalie. Congrats on the win against UCLA. I watched only the recaps, but it seemed like you guys killed it. Yeah, it’s been a busy few weeks for me too, but text me when you have time, and we can go out for coffee.” He offered.

  I pulled my hand from his, and he looked at me surprised.

  “Hey, this is Lauren.” He introduced me to his friend or girlfriend or whatever they were. We didn’t have time to chat about relationship statuses, but I was not surprised that Kevin might be involved with someone, especially with a beautiful girl like Natalie. I didn’t want her to get the wrong impression about our relationship, so I smiled and offered her my hand.

  “Natalie, right? I think Kevin mentioned you the other day.” I lied because she was still staring at me with a pout on her full lips, obviously unhappy.

  I looked at Kevin, hoping he would clear things up and say something, but he lifted an eyebrow like he was not getting why I was lying. Men could be so clueless sometimes.

  “He did?” Natalie asked, looking at him more amiably, a small smile returning to her face. “How do you two guys know each other?” She still felt the need to probe.

  “Oh, we are old friends.” We both answered in unison. Kevin laughed and then pulled me to him, looking down at me, smiling.

  “Lauren is my oldest friend, Nat. We’ve known each other since we were kids,” he said, but then he looked at his phone, checking the time. “Sorry, but we got to get going. Text me when you get a break, okay!”

  He was suddenly in a hurry to leave, and the poor girl was a bit let down. She tried to hide her disappointment behind a fake smile and waved at Kevin on the way to rejoin her group of friends, but Kevin barely looked at her departure. He put his hand on my back and steered me towards the exit.

  Once outside, he turned to me, and his eyes probed mine. “What was that about? You didn’t have to lie to Natalie.” He confronted me.

  “Hey, I wasn’t sure if you guys were dating or anything… I just didn’t want her to assume…” I started saying defensively. Kevin rubbed his neck like he was nervous of where the conversation was going.

  “Listen, Lauren. Natalie and I are not dating. We went on one date over the summer, but… It’s not going to work with her…” he said elusively.

  “Why? She is super pretty; you are both athletes…” I didn’t know why I was pressing him, but I was seriously curious, not about Natalie in particular, just about Kevin. In the last few weeks, I figured out that he was not into the partying scene in college, and didn’t like the slutty or stuck up girls. I honestly hoped he was not a hermit and found time to have relationships.

  “That’s the problem. Yes, she is pretty, but like me, she has her own goals and wants to go pro. Our game seasons don’t match, and she was clear she is not looking for anything serious. I am not in a mood to have a fling, so…”

  “So, you are serious relationships guy, ha?” I smiled at him.

  “Yeah, I am. What about you. Any current boyfriends?” he probed.

  “Besides my fake boyfriend, Liam? No, no other boyfriend at the moment.” I didn’t want to go into details and tell him there was just one boyfriend in the past, not some really long list.

  “Don’t you like Liam?” Kevin nudged me. “He is a pretty boy, and you two seem to be getting along well.”

  God, I had no idea what was up with him, assuming I was into his brother.

  “Okay, let’s just set things straight. Liam did me a huge favor to offer me to stay in his place, and I like him a lot, but as a friend. Honestly, there was never a spark between us. True, he is handsome and a good guy all around, but… I don’t know – there has to be…”

  “Thunder…” Kevin added with a knowing smirk on his face.

  “Yeah, thunder, lightning, something… He was interested in me before we met, but that’s because he knew of my history with you. I think we bonded quickly and became friends because we both cared for you.”

  Kevin looked at me, and his eyes shadowed like som
ething made him sad.

  “Do you still think of me as your brother, Lauren?” he asked.

  I had to look deep into my heart and give him an honest answer. When we were kids, we shared a bond so deep it went beyond friendship or family relationships. He was the center of my world, and for many years I held to that feeling, not to the label of what he was to me.

  “We were never siblings in the conventional sense of the word, Kev.” I voiced my thoughts out loud.

  “Even as kids, we never told anyone we were related.” He also added. “It wasn’t because I didn’t think of you as my sister, Lauren. You were the closest thing I had to a family then. The truth is, I never felt like Connie was my mother. I was one year old when she abandoned me, and to me, she was more or less a stranger. I didn’t want people to know about her.”

  He took a deep breath like he was bracing himself for his next sentence. “I had to let Julie go, too. For years I’ve been calling you Lauren in my head, even when I was mad at you. Not because my feelings for you changed. I’ve been missing you every day for the last twelve years. Just my perceptions of family changed.”

  “When Liam’s parents adopted you, right,” I concluded.

  “I was finally a part of a family unit, Lauren. Richard and Larisa not only took me in and gave me a home. In the last eight years, they have been like real parents to me and treated me like I am one of their own children. Same with Liam. He and I became brothers first, friends second. With you, I think it has always been the other way around.”

  It was obvious he was worried that he might hurt my feelings by saying he didn’t feel I was his sister, possibly even when we were kids, but I understood more than he knew. My perceptions about family changed as well, even though it was for the opposite reasons.

  “I stopped thinking of you as my brother as soon as I accepted my new name too, Kevin. I hated Lauren for a long time because it was a name my new family chose for me. But then I accepted the name and I accepted them. Wanted or not, they are my real family. Bianca is my only sibling, even though we don’t have any love for each other. I learned that sometimes friendships matter more than family, and you were my best friend, Kev. I hope you like Lauren one day, as much as you liked Julie,” I said hopefully.

  Kevin smiled. “Julie wore flower wreaths in her hair, but now you are Lauren, and you should wear your crown proudly. You know the meaning of your name, right?”

  “Actually, no. What does it mean?” I asked curious.

  “Lauren comes from the Laurel plant – in ancient Rome, they made Laurel crowns as a symbol of victory for emperors or generals. To this day, this is a symbol of achievement in the Olympics. You have overcome a lot in your life, so let your name be your triumph. And Julie is still part of you. I see her in your eyes and your smile, so she is not gone, just grown up. We’ll have time to define our adult friendship and see if we can build on what we had, right?” He grinned, and once again offered me his hand.

  “About that, I know we were both affectionate as kids and held hands everywhere, but maybe we might be sending wrong signals to people,” I suggested, even though I liked the closeness of his touch.

  “Does it feel weird to you?” Kevin asked, unsure, pulling his hand away. “I am sorry, Lauren. Since last night I am clinging to you, maybe afraid you will disappear again… If it’s making you feel uncomfortable, I’ll stop.”

  I shook my head at him as a no. “It's only weird if we make it weird, Kevin. Holding hands and cuddling is comforting and reassuring, that's why children do it with their parents. I am a bit deprived since no one ever coddled me, even Connie. She would hug me occasionally, but in general, she was not really a maternal type. Friends should be able to rely on each other for that kind of intimacy without feeling uncomfortable, right? My friend Marina is a hugger, and we act the same as you and I. Just people wouldn’t think I am dating her when we hold hands in public.”

  “Some would totally think you are dating her, but who gives a crap what people assume. We know where we stand, and that’s what matters, right?” He smiled widely, and laced his fingers with mine, setting the rules of the new friendship. “Maybe we should avoid cuddling naked like we did when we were kids because that would totally be weird,” he joked.

  “Oh, My God – you mean the fight we had over who should be the Ruler of our Kingdom?” I threw back my head and laughed, remembering that silly day he was referring to.

  When I was six and Kevin was eight, we were playing around the pond at the end of our town. Someone had dumped a recliner in the water, which wasn’t strange considering the whole area was a garbage dump. We decided to drag the chair out of the water, and Kevin said this would be the Throne of the Kingdom since we played knights all evening. We were too young to think anything of it, so we stripped to our underwear, and skinny-dipped in the water. We pushed and pulled until we dragged the faux leather chair to the shore. We fought over who was going to be the King or Queen of the Land, but then Kevin saw I was shivering and pulled me to the chair to sit between his legs. We forgot all about the fight, and we stayed like that, barely wearing any clothes, my back pressed to his chest, his arms wrapped around me for warmth, and talked until the sun set.

  “Okay, no naked cuddling, I agree,” I said, laughing.

  “Do you mind if we get home?” He changed the subject when we got to the car. “I can make us lunch, and we can watch a movie on Netflix or something…” he offered.

  “Miranda approved lunch it is, and then we watch baseball. You better teach me the basics, so when I come to watch you at Dodgers stadium, I don’t end up rooting for the opposing team or something. Everyone hates the person who comes to the game for the hotdogs and peanuts, right?”

  “Everyone comes to the game for the hotdogs, Lauren. That’s just part of the package deal. Like, imagine a movie without popcorn or birthdays without a cake. So, forget Miranda! If we are watching baseball, I am making hotdogs,” he declared.

  We stopped by the grocery store to stock up on supplies, and like total homebodies, lounged all day on the couch in front of the TV, eating all of the above, including the cake, since Kevin said we’d missed twenty-four birthdays together. I bet I shot up to the top of Miranda’s hit list for being a bad influence on her coveted client.

  Chapter 15

  I wondered if the memories I had of Kevin were deflected through the lens of my limited experiences as a little girl. The emotional pain my new family inflicted on me was so overwhelming at times that maybe I idolized my childhood friend and the happy memories we shared, to cling to something good. The heart has a tendency to venerate the people you love and blind you to some of their flaws, so sometimes I wondered if the Kevin I remembered was an illusion, not a real person.

  After we reconnected and in the month that followed, all those doubts disappeared. We fell into the old pattern of finding solace in each other’s presence, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Both of us had changed over the years, that was clear. As a kid, Kevin was more outgoing, more exuberant than the man he had become. Not that he lost his zest for life, just it was more subtle, and not that loud. His jokes were wittier than the physical comedy he entertained me with when we were kids, but he still made me laugh. We were still slowly filling the gaps, sharing things we missed in each other’s lives, but with every day that passed it was getting easier to speak of the not so happy memories without feeling overwhelming sadness.

  I was happy, and I needed to share the joy with the other people in my life who I loved. I finally called Marina, and with a long overdue conversation, I caught up my bestie on all that had changed in my life. Mari was stunned to hear that I had found the lost boy from my childhood, and she cried with me when I told her my deepest secrets, and how Kevin and I got separated twelve years ago. It was strange that sharing the story with her was not that painful either. Trauma had a strange way of finding a resolution, and after I reconnected with Kevin, my brain was giving me a reprieve, acknowledging the
pain, but not letting it hold the same power over me. In many ways, Kevin was a cure for my soul wounds.

  “So, has he changed, Lauren?” Marina asked.

  “Yes, but not in a bad way,” I answered her honestly. “He is more complicated than the easy-going boy I knew. I am peeling the layers one by one, finding out his new quirks. Growing up I was shy and more introverted, and he was sociable and had more of an A-type personality. Now we are somehow meeting in the middle, Mari. Some evenings we just sit and read a book, simply being in the same room and his presence is enough to make me feel at complete peace. When we talk, conversations are easy, though he says now I am way more outspoken, and some things I say make his jaw drop. Your frankness might be rubbing off on me,” I joked, and Marina laughed.

  “Good, I am glad he is not some prude and likes dirty talk. You need more friends like me, that’s for sure! I am coming to L.A. in a week, so I can’t wait to meet the competition!” she joked.

  “There is no competition, Mari. I can have two best friends, right?” I tried to argue with her.

  “I am going to relinquish the title to your Kevin, babe,” Marina said more somberly. “You two are so lucky that you found each other again. I do understand what it must feel like for you to reconnect with someone you shared such a strong bond with. You know that I lost my older sister when I was twelve, and she was also my best friend, so I can’t imagine what it is to have a second chance in life to be with the person you love so deeply.”

  Marina understood love and loss and her confession made me realize why reconnecting with Kevin had lifted years of depression and trauma off my shoulders. I thought I had lost him forever and finding him was really like starting anew. My life was definitely changing.

  Liam also called me and was more than happy to hear that Kevin and I had solved our disagreements and were friends again. He probably heard both sides of the same events since I knew he spoke to Kevin even more often than me, but I was happy that I had one more friend to share the new memories I was slowly building.