by Ina Carter
“Shit!” He swore, and before I could react, he was pulling away. “No, not gonna be a pity fuck, Lauren.”
He was already getting out of bed, ready to bolt. “Kevin, wait.” I managed to get the words out of my mouth. He looked at me, his body rigid, and his eyes blasting with desperation.
“Don’t you understand. I want everything from you, Lauren. You are my everything. And… I don’t think we are on the same page…”
I opened my mouth to say something, to tell him he was wrong, but before I could utter a word, he was gone.
This was not happening. I jumped out of bed and ran after him. We didn’t need any more misunderstandings or unspoken secrets. I also wanted everything from Kevin, and I didn’t care if I shouted it in front of the world. The party had moved inside, but I didn’t even look at them. All I saw was Kevin as he grabbed his jacket, opened the front door, and left, shutting it behind him.
Barefoot and desperate, I dashed after him. “Wait, Kev. Please, wait.” I shouted after him, but I don’t think he heard me. He got in his car and was already pulling out of the driveway.
I stood there watching him leave, and my heart wept. What was it with him and his assumptions? Why would he think I would be with him only out of pity? Maybe it was my fault that for weeks I tried desperately to hide my attraction to him and kept telling him I loved him as a friend and would do anything to take away his pain.
“Lauren, you okay?” Liam stood behind me, looking at me worried.
“Why did he leave? Did he say anything to you?” I asked.
“No, he just stormed out… Did something happen between you two? I thought you…”
“I am in love with him, Liam.” I blurted out because I had to get it off my chest. When the words were spoken, they felt right, like the earth stopped spinning, and my heart expanded to accommodate all that Kevin was to me at this moment.
“I know, Lauren. And Kevin loves you, too.” Liam chuckled. “Did you tell him?”
“I didn’t get the chance… He just dropped the bomb and stormed out…” I sighed, exasperated.
Liam smiled at me and took my hand. “He does this, Lauren. When his feelings get too overwhelming, he takes off to clear his head. When my parents asked him if he would like to be part of our family, he didn’t say a word, just left. He came back an hour later when he was able to talk and told them how much he loved all of us and would love to be a Tanner. He’ll come to you, just be patient, okay.”
His reassurance actually made me smile. Yes, I remember a month ago how difficult it was for Kev to start talking to me and listen to what I had to say. But when he did, his feelings erupted, like the volcanic pressure was released, and all the ash cleared out of his soul.
“Let’s get inside and get you a drink,” Liam offered.
“You better tell your friends to clear out before Kevin gets back because this house has thin walls,” I joked, and Liam started laughing.
“You are right. I better head back to Florida then, since I might not get any sleep once you sort things out.”
“Smart man,” I encouraged him.
We went inside, but I didn’t feel like rejoining the party. I also needed time to figure out what to say to Kevin and make sure he understood the depth of my feelings for him. I apologized to Liam and headed back to my room. I lay on my bed and smelled the pillow that still had Kevin’s scent on it. I closed my eyes and fell asleep with a smile on my face. Kevin loved me, and nothing else mattered.
Chapter 19
Kevin was not back in the morning when I woke up. I started to worry that something might have happened, but my phone beeped, and there was a text from him. “Sorry I took off last night. I’ll be back later today, and we need to talk.” It ended with a heart emoji, which he usually added when he texted me, but this time I felt the true meaning behind the sentiment. I was tempted to reply and add “Heart you,” but confessing my feelings was something I wanted to tell him in person and watch his reaction, not spoil it in a text.
I was both anxious and walking on clouds all day, but also wondering what kept Kevin away. It was a late evening, and Liam and I had just finished dinner. I was doing homework on the couch, and he was binge-watching a new Netflix show, listening to the sound with headphones, so he wouldn’t disturb me.
I offered to go to my room to work and not inconvenience Liam, considering this was his house after all, but he told me to stay, and that he liked the company. Kevin was right about his brother having issues being alone and always being in a better mood with people around. I wondered if he felt lonely or if there was more to it.
Liam didn’t hear the door, but I almost jumped out of my seat when Kevin walked in. He looked at me and smiled, and I forgot to breathe. This man. He literally stole my breath just with his presence. Kevin looked tired, his t-shirt wrinkled, but his eyes still sparkled with joy when they met mine. I was tempted to run to him and greet him properly, but I looked at Liam and changed my mind. I reminded myself to be patient.
Kevin dropped his bag by the door and came into the living room, sitting on the armchair across from me. He didn’t hug me like before, which made me sulk, and I dropped back to my seat, watching him.
Liam finally noticed Kevin, took off his headphones, and said, “Hi.” Kevin barely looked at his brother or returned his greeting. His gaze was fixed on me like he was hypnotized. Watching me with an intensity that was making me shiver all over.
With my peripheral vision, I noticed Liam get up. “Okay, anyone up for coffee? Kev, you look like you need it,” he asked us, but neither Kevin nor I responded. All I knew was that he was gone, leaving us alone.
Kevin leaned back and relaxed somewhat, smiling a little.
“What are you reading?” he looked at the book in front of me.
“Analyzing Shakespearean sonnets,” I answered, wondering why was he tiptoeing around the conversation we were supposed to be having. If not the one about where we stood in our relationship, at least tell me where he was all day.
“Oh, which one is your favorite sonnet?” he probed.
“I am analyzing #6.” I wondered if Kevin knew that one, but by the smirk on his face, he was a Shakespeare fan.
“Really, Lauren? The one that says you are too beautiful to stay single, and we should fuck like rabbits and pop ten children?” he blurted. What stunned me was the fact that he said “we” again in conjunction with sex and kids. That seriously was getting on the fast track.
“Are you trying to psychoanalyze me through Shakespeare, Kev?” I stared him down “My professor assigned us that one; it’s not my favorite. Which one do you like then?” Two could play this game.
He was still smirking, but he answered immediately like he really knew Shakespeare by heart.
“I would say, sonnets 46 and 47. In 46, William is talking about the argument between the eyes and the heart. Basically, the oldest internal battle there is – between desire and love. The eyes want your beauty, while the heart is holding on to the precious memories of you. Of course, the judge, in that case, is my brain trying to resolve the argument. But see, Lauren, the brain can see things only as black and white, and in the end, he just splits you in two, giving each a half.
I don’t like that judgment. I can’t think of you as two separate people, where I can divide my love and my desire. Call me an idealist, unrealistic, or whatever, but I like Shakespeare’s conclusion in sonnet 47. My eyes and my heart have made a deal, he said. When the eyes can’t see you for a long time, they can reach into the heart, and have their fill on the memory of you. When I see you and want you, the heart would be there to make it more, to provide the love…”
Kevin stopped talking, watching me. I was choked by his confession, even though it was veiled in the words of Shakespeare, not his own. I knew exactly what he was trying to tell me. That if I was purely lusting after him, he wouldn’t have it half-way. He wanted it all: love, sex, everything. Even the things I planned to say to him all day evaporated
out of my head, stunned by how casually Kevin dropped his heart in my hands right from the moment he entered.
“I’ll go take a shower, and we can talk later, Lauren. I have a lot to tell you.” He got up and headed upstairs, leaving me speechless and stunned.
“Can you two stop this nonsense and speak to each other like normal people?” I heard Liam’s voice coming from the kitchen, and my head snapped to him. He had heard the whole exchange.
“Listen, Lauren – this is Kevin for you. He always had problems talking about his feelings, so he would veil them as literary references, or he’d circle around the issue. Can you go and tell him how you feel? Simple is the key. Shake him out of this and get him out of his misery,” he offered his advice.
“Liam,” I looked at him. “Would it be weird to kick you out of your own house, for like… twelve hours or something?”
Liam choked on his sip of water, but recovered quickly, and then snickered. “Not a problem. Let me grab a change of clothes, and I’ll head to Pasadena to stay at my parents for the weekend. Just don’t destroy furniture, okay?” he joked. “On the other hand, do whatever… Happiness can’t be bought; tables and stuff are replaceable…”
“Can you stop giving me ideas of where to have sex with your brother and get going already?” I had a plan to put in motion, and he was stalling.
I looked at my clothes and thought of changing into something more suited for seduction, considering I was wearing a simple shirt-dress, but what was the point? I needed Kevin to hear me out, not jump me, the moment he saw me.
When I went upstairs, I stopped in front of Kevin’s room, and my palms felt sweaty. I was nervous. I thought of Liam’s suggestion to keep it simple and just tell Kevin I love him, but he was not a simple man. After that poetic confession downstairs, I felt I needed to bear my heart and say everything I’d been holding inside. He had to understand the depth of my feelings for him. There was no noise coming from the shower, so I walked in, without knocking.
He was standing in the middle of the room, shirtless, wearing only sweatpants, drying his hair with a towel. I closed the door and leaned back on it. Kevin looked at me, surprised, and his lips opened to say something, but I stopped him.
“Don’t. Please don’t speak, just listen. It is my turn to tell you the things I need to say to you. Not in some profound way, not in poetic or metaphorical terms, Kevin. Just simply in the words of a girl who loves you. And I do love you. Not just as the boy who was my world for fifteen years. That boy was my friend, and I can never forget him. When I felt lost and unloved, the memories of him kept me sane, reminded me that out there somewhere existed one person who unconditionally loved me…
“The man I found was different and more complex than I remembered, and I loved everything about him. I love your brilliant mind; I love your strength to overcome the past. I love the confidence and ambition you have; I love your caring heart. If I was telling this to my friend, I would say I respect you, admire you for all those qualities. I didn’t fall for you gradually, and my feelings for you didn’t just evolve slowly, Kevin. It was thunder. It hit me so hard that I was overwhelmed by the power of my emotions. My heart beats faster, my soul wants to merge with yours, and I want to take away your pain if I can.
“And Desire … I want you like I’ve never wanted another man. I might not have that much sexual experience, but I am not a good girl either. My fantasies are far from innocent, and you are in all of them. I might never allow myself to do the things I want to do in bed with you with another man, because I don’t trust anyone the way I trust you. Is it simply lust to want to touch you, kiss every inch of your body, and feel you inside me, Kevin?
“I don’t know how to separate my feelings because they overlap. I wish God split you in three – my best friend, the man I love, and my lover, so I could have clarity, but it’s just you. So, sometimes I’ll love you when we do simple everyday things – share a quiet moment, read a book, eat dinner. I’ll love you when I cheer at your baseball games and watch your success. Sometimes I’ll need my best friend to share my secrets and keep me afloat when the world falls apart. And sometimes I’ll simply drag you to bed and get my fill of you. Don’t make me choose, Kevin, because I can’t. You are my everything,” I whispered the last word, because my emotions were seeping into my whole being and forming a clump in my throat, choking me.
Kevin was frozen like a marble statue and not a single muscle on his body moved while I spoke. Even his chest was barely moving like he was also afraid to breathe. When my voice died, he came to life. He moved like a predator towards me, and in a second, caged me with his body. Maybe my senses were heightened, but I was looking into his eyes, and they were iridescent, forest green, a shade of color I had never seen before in my life.
Kevin hovered over me but only his forehead touched mine, his lips winged inches from where I needed them.
“Lauren,” he whispered, “I hope you understand what’s going to happen now, right?”
“Yes,” I uttered breathlessly.
“It’s going to be intense…but I am not going to kiss you right now. If I do, I won’t be able to speak for a long time, and I do need to tell you about my love for you…”
Kevin reached for me and slowly, with exact precision and measured moves of his fingers, undid the top button of my dress. His voice was like a husky rumble, like a tremulous flowing river.
“The Greeks had seven words for Love, Laurie. And somehow, I know I’ll experience all of them with you… Philautia is the only selfish love and for a long time I didn’t love myself. When I doubted myself, I remembered you, and how you used to look at me. To you, I was a giant, someone who could move mountains and conquer dragons. Even now, you look at me the same way, and I feel stronger in your hands, and want to be a better man…”
He was telling me things that were making my heart hammer in my chest, but at the same time, his fingers were burning fire on my skin, because with every button he undid, he caressed the skin underneath. Kevin was seducing me with his words, and I was melting under his fingers.
“When we were kids, my love for you was Philia – a brotherly love, that innocent feeling you have for a friend. It might have been platonic, but just because you are small doesn’t mean your capacity to love is less. In fact, a child’s love is unbridled, unconditional, the purest form of emotion I can think of… And you and I will always have that… To this day, I feel Philia for you, and I always will.”
Kevin then leaned and placed a kiss over his name on my chest, leaving an imprint more permanent than the engraving on my skin.
“Philia, baby, is also the love of the mind, and it is what makes us feel safe in each other’s presence. With you, I am not afraid to share any of my struggles, and you freed me. I carried so much pain internally, but you took it away…”
Then Kevin took my face between his palms and kissed my cheek, in the same gentle way as the young boy of my childhood did when I was sad – he always kissed the tears away. I started to tremble like a leaf, from the onslaught of emotions, but he was there to catch me. When I leaned back to the wall for support and looked into his eyes, something was changing, and they were more intense, more sweltering.
He parted my dress, his hands reached under it, and glazed over my bare shoulders, moving the fabric away and making it slide down my arms. I was not wearing a bra underneath the loose garment, so when the dress fell off my body and pooled at my feet, I stood in front of Kevin in nothing but a scrap of lace. His hand slid down my hips, and he slowly removed the last piece of fabric, leaving me completely bare in front of him.
He moved away to look at me, and his nostrils flared with the big intake of breath he took. The way he looked at me was like a physical touch, like a scorching caress of fingers leaving marks everywhere. I saw myself through Kevin’s eyes, and there was no doubt in my mind that in this moment, I was beautiful. I understood what gave confidence to a woman – it was the man who looked at her like Kevin was looking
at me.
“What I am feeling right now, babe. This is called Eros. You have always been the most beautiful girl I’ve seen, but now… This is how I want to remember you the day I have to leave this world. Because you are exquisite. I wish I had flirted with you, experienced Ludus – that easy playful love when you slowly fall for someone, but like everything with you, it was intense and not easy. Ludus is fun love, and maybe we can do that later, when I don’t want you so desperately that I hurt. On that day when I saw you dancing in the kitchen, I felt not Thunder, Lauren. It was like a meteor that struck the earth and shattered me. I wanted to kiss you so badly, to consume you… Maybe that’s why I didn’t talk to you for a while because I needed time to sort my feelings. It was never innocent for me. When I touched you - I burned, when I held you to me, I had to cover the fact that I was hard as a rock. After the first night I laid with you in your bed, I had to stay away because I was not able to control myself. Right now, I am at the end of my wits, prolonging the torture because I am afraid, I’ll frighten you with my need and the thing I want to do to you…”
“Jesus, Kevin! We are talking too much. You don’t scare me, big boy...” I crossed the distance between us, reached behind his neck and pulled him down, finding his lips.
Chapter 20
To inhale Kevin’s scent was an intoxicating, vibrant, and sensual sensory experience. He smelled like clean linen, citrus, and spice. It quickened my breath, and I felt a bit overwhelmed and lightheaded. He moved his head to the side, and his lips brushed my chin and traveled to the lobe of my ear. I could feel his lips part, and he let a whispered groan. “Lauren,” he moaned, “you have no idea what you do to me.” He inhaled deeply, and his mouth traveled back to my cheek, trailing small kisses.