by Ina Carter
I parted my lips to take a breath and fill my empty lungs with life. Kevin lifted his head back to look into my eyes, then he lowered his head and captured my parted lips with his.
The kiss saturated my senses and soaked through my clouded brain. It was gentle and exploring, but then Kevin moved his hands from the wall, and his fingers tangled in my hair, holding me in place.
The kiss became more urgent, and he slipped his tongue inside to touch mine. He tasted like peppermint and clean water. Sliding my hands up, I gently touched his chest, and his groan resonated through my body.
His hands traveled down my back, locked against my spine, and he pulled me close to him. I could feel every muscle trembling on his body and his heart beating against mine. He was hard and solid, and with the distance between our bodies gone, I had to lift my hands and wrap them around his neck. I could feel his desire and his arousal brushing at the side of my leg. Excitement surged through my body. Kevin wanted me as bad as I needed his touch.
The heated kiss ended so abruptly I got startled and confused. Kevin pulled away and grinned, and then in one swift move, stripped off his sweat pants and his boxers with them. He stood there, devilishly gorgeous, fully bare for me. My eyes grew large and liquid, trying to photograph in my memory every single part of him. Kevin Tanner was the most amazing sight to behold. In his stillness laid perfection. Every single part of him was beautiful.
His chiseled jaw was covered with soft stubble as he hadn’t bothered shaving it today, and it made him look more licentious than ever before. His eyes were still clouded and piercing through my system, talking to my senses, and whispering everything I needed to hear. He was built like an Adonis, with broad shoulders and strong muscular arms. My gaze traveled down to his abdomen to see the ripple of muscle there.
His body was like it was artfully painted by the brush of a master artist, with particularity for details. Every single muscle was perfectly defined, with long strokes and depth, and formed an absolutely perfect masterpiece. I was looking at him intently, and he stood still, unmoving, letting me have my fill of him. His effect on me was like from the waves of a stormy, turbulent ocean hitting every one of my senses, and leaving imprints that would be etched there in my soul for centuries.
When my eyes glazed over his tattoo, I noticed something new. The skin over his chest and on his left arm were still red and swollen around the new additions. From the sun on his chest, another ray extended, crossed over his collarbone and reached to his left biceps muscle. There it wrapped like a ribbon around a heart, perfectly shaded with highlights, and in the middle of it was my name. The blasted man was about to make me cry. He did this for me – included me in his future.
“I got a little ahead of myself… hoping you would love me the way I love you, Laurie…But even if you didn’t, you already had my heart,” he said, his voice trembling.
“So, you are not afraid you’ll have to give explanations to some future girlfriend?” I whispered.
“I am afraid that there won’t be a need to explain. I can’t ever lose you again, so I guess I’ll have to work like hell to keep you.” Kevin proclaimed. The permanence of his words was not something that scared me because I knew what he was saying. We were young, but this connection between us was way too strong to break. It was as old as the world, and I knew with certainty there would never be another man who I could love as much as him.
“I think I might have to keep you too, Kev. As long as you put in the hard work to keep me happy, not just make promises,” I teased gently, but yeah; he was stalling, and I needed him.
“I better get to work then.” he grinned.
Kevin moved towards me, lifted me off the floor, and gently laid me on his bed. Then he followed, and I could feel our bodies merging. He laid on top of me, and I felt the warmth and the softness of skin with every cell of my being. He held himself up on his elbows to look into my eyes, but every other part of our bodies were linked. He was still, unmoving, just looking at me with wonder. I could feel his hardness at my center, but he didn’t move, or touch me yet.
Kevin just lifted one hand, and with his finger, he caressed my jaw. He started tracing a path on my face like he was painting a picture of my features. He traced my eyebrows and my nose; he touched my eyelids and my cheeks. His fingers lingered on my lips, caressing them with a velvety touch. All I could do was tremble from the tenderness in his amazing jade-colored eyes and by every touch of his fingers. His exploration continued down my neck. With just the tip of his finger, he stroked my arm and continued down the length of my hand.
Kevin’s fingers entwined with mine, and he brought my hand up and touched his lips to the back of it. Then he unlaced our fingers and opened my palm. I followed his every move. He was not in a hurry. He took his time to look at my small hand in his big one, and the only movement was the trembling of his lower lip.
With his fingertip, he traced all of my fingers one by one, and it was such a soft touch. I could only feel a tiny tingle on my skin. When he reached my pinky, he lowered his head and gently kissed the center of my palm. Then he did something that I never expected. With his fingertip, he traced a heart on the same spot he had just kissed, and folded my fingers to enclose them over it.
“Laurie, would you hold my heart while I make love to you?” he whispered.
I felt a heavy knot in my throat and chocked from the emotions bubbling inside me. A tear slid down my cheek, but it was from happiness this time. He undid me. This small gesture was the most meaningful thing he could have said or done. He wiped my tear with his thumb and kissed my cheek then lowered his head to mine.
The butterflies inside me were awakened from their sleep, and I could feel their fluttering wings like a million tiny caresses in my belly. Kevin leaned over me, and starting from my collar bone, his lips traveled down my torso. When he reached the peaks of my breast, he gently sucked on my nipple and made my body shake from the exquisite sensation.
His hand left my tummy and traveled between my legs. His other hand wrapped around my other breast and he gently circled the globe, like it was made of fragile crystal, and he was afraid to hold it. His fingers at my center moved in unison with his lips. He inserted two fingers into my opening and, with his thumb, mimicked the motions of his lips on my breast. The stimulation was so overwhelming a cry escaped my lips.
His fingers were like of a trained pianist that knew the exact tune of my body by heart and played it like a virtuoso. Suddenly the slow seductive melody he created with his fingers hit a crescendo, and I exploded in his arms, falling apart and letting go of all the hurt and sadness inside me. He held me tight to him until my trembling body relaxed.
He hugged me close, and I knew at this moment how much I loved this man and how I trusted him with my heart. Now I was about to trust him with my body, too. I looked at him and smiled gently.
“Make love to me, Kev,” I said simply, and to prove my words, I kissed him with an eagerness that was showing him how much I craved this connection with him. He started trailing kisses downward and reignited the fire inside me again. I laced my fingers in his hair to keep him close to me. His head lowered to my breasts, and he sucked and nibbled on them with more eagerness than before. There was urgency in his worship of my body this time, and I knew that he was not stopping until we were joined as one.
He reached into his nightstand and took a box of condoms and picked one package, putting it on the pillow next to me. Then, he quickly returned his attention to my body and made me moan in pleasure. His lips traveled down to my stomach and then lower. He stopped at the edge of my abdomen and kissed the small little bird, just like he did before. And like before, the heat exploded inside me, wanting more. Kevin chuckled, reading my cues, and he kissed the inside of my thigh where I was most sensitive. The jolt of pleasure surged through every cell. His lips found my sensitive nub, and he gently took it in his mouth, making me whimper in pleasure. I was close to release, and he understood. These were new experiences
for me because this was lovemaking, not some rush for the finish line.
Kevin pulled away from me, and I knew he was not going to let me come undone under his lips. He ripped a package with his teeth, and rolled the condom on his hard erection. I felt his arousal rubbing at the place in my center, and the slickness of the friction was like nothing I felt before. He was hard as steel, and I knew that soon I would feel this strong power inside of me. He slid a few more times on top of me and moaned in pleasure. Before I could say anything to encourage him, he shifted his body slightly, and I felt the thick head of his penis penetrate my opening. This was happening. I stilled, waiting for the next move, but he just moved inside me with a few shallow dips, not going further.
Then with one swift push, he penetrated my walls and buried himself deep. I felt stretched and full. He stilled, not moving an inch. I just felt his pulse inside me, beating in the same rhythm with my racing heart. I felt complete, and there was nothing for me that felt more right at this moment. Now I understood what I had missed about sex. This felt like joining my soul with Kevin’s like we were one person. Real happiness was only when you didn’t wish for anything else, and at this moment I knew real joy. The time stilled and we were both not moving either.
“Kev,” I whispered in his ear, “I think you can move now.”
His body shook with laughter, and he whispered back in my ear.
“I would, Laurie, if you let go of me a little.”
Just then, I realized I had my legs wrapped around his hips, and I was holding him in an iron grip. It was impossible for him to move, and I was keeping him impaled deep inside me. I chuckled too and released my hold to let him free. Kevin pulled back a little without moving his hips and looked into my eyes. He brushed a string of hair from my face and gently tucked it behind my ear. Then, he moved. I could feel the friction he created inside my body, and it felt different. It was a completely new sensation for me. It was like a volcano inside of me that was building steam. My whole body felt the trembles of the force that was building up.
I tried to reassure him and show him how I felt and what was happening in my body and tried to match his moves with my own. I met every one of his thrusts in the middle, slightly pushing my hips up. He understood my need and increased the tempo. Soon we were both franticly searching for release, and with one last deep thrust, he took me over the edge, where I free fell into oblivion, at the same time he shuddered inside me.
I never knew sex could be such a mind-blowing experience, and it wasn’t just sex. In my heart, I knew it was this man. He made me feel like a goddess in his arms and made my heart sing. Kevin didn’t pull out of me right away. His arms wrapped around my body, and he held me tight without saying a word.
“Kev, what are you thinking?” I whispered quietly, and traced my finger over his bottom lip, swollen from my kisses.
“Thinking? There was no room for thought, Laurie. I was just feeling…” He looked at me, and there was such poignancy in his eyes, like the emotions were too overwhelming to put into words.
“I know this is the worst time to talk about existential questions, but I think I had a little epiphany…” Kevin whispered, “I know why God didn’t take me away twelve years ago, babe. It was so I could have this perfect moment with you. How could I go to Heaven, when my Heaven was here on earth?”
“Jesus, Kev, you can’t make me cry, saying things like that, when I am so happy.” I reproached him softly. But he was right, that at this moment it all made perfect sense. All of our struggles, and the long journey we took to find each other, it all happened, so we could appreciate this moment of pure bliss.
“Kevin, is it normal that I want you again?” I moved my hips and pushed closer to him. He was still inside me, and I felt when he hardened again, which was an answer to my question. He chuckled in the crook of my neck. “We are just starting, babe. The night is long…”
The second time our lovemaking was not gentle or slow, and it exhilarated me that I could make Kevin lose control like this. He let go of all inhabitations and made me scream his name when he took me over the edge. He let me explore his body, the way he did mine, and to create a map of all the spots that gave him pleasure. When I collapsed in his arms, I knew that even intimately we fit like two perfect pieces of one soul. My guy was soft and hard, and I loved all sides of him. Sex for sure was never going to be boring with Kevin. The best part was that he was my friend who I could tell my fantasies without reservations, and now I knew he would make all of them come true.
Chapter 21
The dream that woke me up was actually a memory:
When I was twelve, I snuck out of my room one night and wandered into the back yard. The full moon was reflecting over the still water of the pool, looking like a sun in the middle of the sky. It drew me in, like I was seeing hope in the darkness of the night. Still in my pajamas, I dipped my toes in the water, and then I walked right in, trying not to create ripples, so I wouldn’t disrupt the reflection of my sun. I reached closer to the glowing reflection and stopped when the water came up to my nose.
And then I saw it – a small baby bird feather, floating like fluff over the surface. It was so beautiful, catching the glow from the moonlight, like it was shining from within, radiating outwardly energy. The air current would bring it up a little, and then it would dip, barely touching the water. I was so scared, afraid that the liquid would engulf this little miracle, would dampen its luminosity, and take away the magic. I started breathing heavily, my fear rising. Every breath I let out, created a small ripple in the still water, and my little bird feather floated higher. I was supporting it with my air, and even when I was between breaths, and the little orb touched the surface, those were little feather kisses over the source of happiness...
I felt them – the oh-so gentle tiny kisses over my skin. Kevin’s hot breath gliding like a caress over me, just before his lips touched my body. This was not like the passion from last night, he was waking me up with magic.
And when my eyes opened, the source of my happiness was there to meet me. “Good morning, sleeping beauty,” he said with a sleepy rasp to his voice, his own eyes were still partially closed.
“Hmmm… I think you just made it better than good.” I couldn’t help but reach and trace a finger down his shoulder while I leaned in to kiss him. He met me with the same softness of his lips, like the feather kisses that made my skin tingle all over.
“Do you want me to tell you what’s my favorite sonnet, Kev?” I remembered something from last night.
“Oh, it’s not the one about screwing like rabbits?” He smirked but seemed to be waking up quickly. The evidence was already pressed to my stomach.
“No, you insatiable beast. I don’t know how I’ll be able to walk today. No, the sonnet I liked the most was #8. It speaks about love in my terms – it’s about music. It says that alone you are like a single note, just noise really, but when you find the one you love, you create harmony, and when you join, it becomes a melody. A whole symphony if you ask me.” I confessed.
“So, you like my hidden talents, I gather.” Kevin grinned “Well, you are right, babe, we do create music together. I don’t know about a symphony; it was more like a rock concert with you as the lead belter,” he teased me.
“You shook the stage, Rock Star,” I shot back.
“I know it’s part of the lifestyle, but this Rock Star might have developed a little addiction… scratch that – after last night it’s dependency… You might have a serious problem kicking me out of your bed to get some sleep, Laurie.” Kevin kissed me hard like he was ready to pick up where we left things a few hours ago.
“Sleep is totally overrated,” I murmured into his lips. I rolled on top of him, ready to explore the wonders of morning sex, but when I grabbed his arm, he winced. I pulled away my hand and looked at his new tattoo. The skin was still red and swollen, oozing a bit.
“Ouch! You should probably put some moisturizer or an ointment on this. Did your tatto
o artist give you something?” I smiled, still feeling a bit giddy that he inked my name on his skin permanently. I had his tatted over my heart, but that was different – It was the name of the little boy I missed for twelve years. Maybe I should add a heart around his name, just as Kevin did?
“I think I barged into Brett’s parlor and kept him hostage after hours to do his magic on me, and he forgot to give me the after-care package. I put some lotion on last night, but might have to go to CVS later.”
“Is this where you disappeared yesterday? To get inked?” I asked, kissing his lips, but he pulled away and looked at me more somberly.
“Sorry about that, babe. I should have stayed and listened to you, but… I still have trust issues and insecurities. When I told you about Jack and what he did to me, it unleashed inside me that old belief that I don’t deserve love. If your parents – the people who by default should love you since you are part of them — have shown you time after time that you are not worthy, you start questioning it. I am sorry I projected this on you and assumed that you wouldn’t return my feelings…”
“I know, Kev. Maybe I did the same to you. For the last few weeks, I was afraid thinking that you saw me only as your friend, and if you found out I had romantic feelings for you, I would lose you. Deep inside, we both have that fear that we are unlovable. I hope we free ourselves from it, love each other so much that we heal the wounds, and all that is left is the happiness.” I kissed him softly, trying to relay with my touch that he should never doubt how much I love him.
“You know when I was under the needle and felt the pain, I did understand something else too,” he continued. “When you love someone so much, their pain becomes yours. Every time you cry, I weep with you inside. Every person who hurt you, I hate. I looked at my ink and wondered – I had a family who loved me, so who were the people who built you up? I saw Marina’s love for you yesterday, but after what you told me about your other friends, I wanted to know all of them. So, when I left the tattoo parlor yesterday morning, I knew what I had to do. I got in my car and drove to San Pedro. Slept in the back seat until the jail opened for visitor hours.”