A Selfish Kind of Love

by Bella Jay

“Who’s G?” Shayla asked.

  “Her best friend.”

  “Oh she needs new friends,” Shayla commented as the door flew open and two girls came in laughing until they saw Kyree.

  “Ummmm.” One of them tapped at the sign on the door. “Ladies room.” She gave him a dumbfounded look.

  “My bad.” He gave Shayla an evil eye.

  Kyree huffed as he stood, tucked his arms underneath Tessah and lifted her into them. She moaned and fought against him before opening her mesmerizing eyes, sucking him in. She stopped her resistance. “Ky?” she questioned with a bemused expression.

  “Yeah.”

  She dipped her head into his chest and relaxed in his arms. By the time they got Tessah into his car, the parking lot had cleared out.

  “I don’t know who she’s staying with and Landon’s not picking up,” he said to his cousin. He ran his hands over his forehead.

  “Looks like it’s you then.”

  ❖❖❖

  Tessah’s eyes fought to stay open as the bright light from Kyree’s enormous window blinded her. She groaned and turned over to find the spot Kyree slept in, empty and untouched.

  Had she dreamed falling asleep on his chest?

  Her memory was distorted but there were certain things which stood out from last night. Shayla finding her in the bathroom, Kyree carrying her out of the club, and him rubbing her back as she vomited everything in her stomach. Maybe she’d only wished being next to him before she succumbed to sleep. If she wasn’t in his house, she’d think he were a figment of her imagination.

  She’d fucked up with the turn up but if it wasn’t for his cousin finding her in the bathroom, she’d still be there.

  Sleep overtook her again. The next time she woke up, she found her never failing knight in shining armor placing pills and water on the bed-side table.

  Her eyes met his. He was beautiful in every sense of the word and she’d fucked it all up. “I didn’t mean to wake you.” He cleared his throat.

  “What time is it?” she grumbled.

  “Two something.”

  “Shit.” She made unpleasant noises as she sat up in bed. “Fuck.” She reached for the medicine and he handed it to her. Her eyes closed as she pushed the ibuprofen down with the water. “Damn. I’m sorry about last night.” She patted her smushed hair. She sighed at the hot mess she must’ve looked like.

  Kyree sat on the edge of the bed. “Why were you getting that drunk by yourself?” he scolded her.

  “Because of you.” Kyree jerked his head back at her response. “You gave me such a cold shoulder when you saw me. I was in my feelings I guess.”

  It hurt. The way he’d only said one word to her hurt. After Gynah abandoned her because Landon’s enthusiastic response to Adalyn’s pregnancy announcement disgusted her, no one was there to stop her from being dumb. She’d mixed vodka, henny, tequila, and champagne.

  “I ain’t have nothing to say to you.” He turned his gaze away from her and focused on the floor.

  “I get it.”

  “Do you get it? Do you get all the shit you put me through or better yet all the shit I put myself through for you?” He chuckled but there was nothing light about it. “And let’s not forget the whole Emery situation.”

  “You never let me explain.”

  “Fine.” He gave her his undivided attention. “Here’s your chance. Enlighten me.”

  Her throat sealed, and she grabbed the water. Now or never. “I was afraid of letting him go,” she said after taking a gulp.

  Kyree huffed. “Was he supposed to be a back up if I didn’t “take care of you” the way you wanted?”

  “No.” She reframed for rolling her eyes at the valid question. After thinking more about her and Emery’s situation, she understood why it’d been so hard to end things with him. She had been afraid to let him go not because of what they’d shared intimately or his money, but because he’d been her protector. She didn’t have her dad or her brother so she clung to him once he saved her. “Emery has protected me ever since he pulled the next door neighbor of our group home off me. He saved me from getting raped and I had this attachment to him I didn’t realize. It freaked me out to lose the one person who’d been there for me the longest. The only constant from my childhood. Despite what our friendship grew into — he is my family. It had nothing to do with his money.”

  “So you strung him along and played me.”

  “I didn’t play you or cheat on you. There was a fear I didn’t understand until after I cut him off. I made the situation much bigger than it was and I fucked up there and I accept I led him on. But every part of me has been yours since our first date.” Kyree scoffed as she continued. “Emery knows now, and I told him right after he sent the text about the Super Bowl. He wished I would have been upfront sooner, but he doesn’t want to step on your toes. That’s not him.”

  “That’s fine because we’re not together, anyway.” He stood as if he hadn’t taken a blow at her heart. “If you think you can eat, I ordered food. You can have some when it gets here.”

  He didn’t look back to see her nod before he disappeared out the room. Tessah sighed and tried to make everything she’d done make sense again like she had for the last few weeks. To make things right about what she’d done but seeing him again last night tore her heart to pieces of confetti she couldn’t put back together.

  Tessah climbed out of the bed and took her time getting her life in order as much as possible. Her headache simmered down and by the time she made it to the kitchen, Kyree was fixing himself a plate of food from her favorite Thai place.

  Still the same Kyree even when he didn’t want to be - attentive to her.

  Pure silence as they stood in his kitchen moving around each other.

  And not the kind from their first date.

  This kind made her nervous and her senses on twenty. She jumped trying not to be in his way as they both reached for the spring rolls.

  “Sorry,” she mumbled, brushing against his arm. Her yoni creamed from the small interaction. The tension turned her on and killed her soul at the same time.

  She gazed at him.

  His eyes lingered on her.

  Then it happened.

  They were kissing. Scratching, grabbing, and growling at one another as animalistic moans escaped both of their mouths. Tessah gripped his shirt drawing him to her as his hand clamped around her neck holding her face tight to his.

  No words were spoken, but they said everything as the calfs of her legs rested on his shoulders and he filled her insides. She moaned uncontrollably as he gave her body more than it asked for yet not enough.

  Actions. Everything was in their actions.

  She dug her nails into his back.

  He pulled her neck back by her hair.

  She moaned, and he growled and she creamed all over him.

  When his lips crashed into hers, tears welled into her eyes. She loved him. She’d never told him but she did and as he gave her his most intimate part, she wanted it forever.

  Him forever.

  “I’m sorry,” the words came out in a moan but they were never truer.

  Kyree buried his face into the nook of her neck and she wrapped her arms tighter around him. His scent enticed every inch of her and his smooth skin laying on top of hers, sent waves of pleasure through her body and out her core.

  “Fuck,” he groaned, slowing his pace as he pulled away from her hold. He stared at himself as he entered and exited her and the lust coating his eyes told her she’d left her mark all over his penis.

  Tessah whined her hips underneath him for instant gratification to her clit.

  “Tell me what you want?” His husky voice made her toes curl.

  For you to love me. “For you to fuck me.”

  And he did.

  The silence returned with the aroma of sex lingering to remind them of their sins.

  A defeated sigh left Kyree’s throat as he pulled up his sweats. “We can’t do th
at again.”

  He didn’t give her time to respond as he stalked out the kitchen. She slid off the counter top and her eyes landed on her plate of food that had become one with the floor.

  “Shit.” She grabbed the broom to clean the mess. When he returned with a deep frown and wrinkles etched in the middle of his forehead, she cringed. Was falling back between her legs that stressful for him? She wanted to ask but silence worked better for them.

  She left him alone to go rinse him off her and when she returned, he sat at the table with untouched food in front of him.

  “I need to ask you something.” His piercing stare made her stop in her tracks across the table from him. “Last night… you said something. I’ve been going back and forth in my mind about bringing it up.”

  A lump formed in Tessah’s throat. Had she told him in her drunken state how she felt? If she ever got the chance to tell him she loved him, she didn’t want it to be while she was inebriated. “What did I say?”

  “That you’re sorry but you couldn’t be the cause of someone dying again.”

  Tessah’s hand gripped the back of the chair in front of her as her knees weakened. He had told her biggest secret to her. The one thing she’d told no one.

  “What did you mean by again?”

  “I-I—”

  “Tessah I don’t want anymore lies or half truths or whatever the fuck you be selling me. Be honest with me. What were you talking about?”

  She needed to sit down.

  “My parents.”

  “What are you talking about? Your parents died in a car crash.”

  Tessah’s eyes welled. “But they were arguing about me. I don’t remember much about being a child but I remember that night. I was being a brat in the backseat. My mom was arguing with my dad about him always catering to my bratty side and he needed to stop babying me. I could do no wrong in my dad’s eyes. I was his Cherish, and he was you. It was raining, they were arguing, my mom screamed something, my dad screamed back and then I woke up in a hospital with no parents.”

  “Tessah you were a little girl. Whatever happened wasn’t your fault and you can’t hold on to that.”

  “If they weren’t fighting about me, my mom would have been—” A loud sob fell out her mouth. She did her best to stop herself from ugly crying as Kyree rounded the table and consoled her. “It was my fault.”

  “No, it wasn’t. You were a child and their responsibility. It sucks what happened, but you didn’t kill them. Have you talked to your brother about this?”

  “I’ve told no one this. Siah wasn’t in the car and he’s never asked me what happened. I’ve lived with this guilt by myself. I don’t want him to know.”

  “You should talk about it with him. He’ll tell you not to blame yourself, ba—” The word almost slipped from his lips but he caught it and her shoulders slumped more.

  A moment passed before she wiped her face and said, “When I saw you in the hospital with Cherry on your lap after you woke up… I had to let you go because of her. I never want a child to be without their parents like I did and you could’ve died because of me. So, I did what was best for you.”

  “Tessah what’s best for me and will always be my priority is protecting the people I love. What you did was make a selfish decision based on you.”

  She strained her neck. “How was it selfish? I was being selfless by putting you before me.”

  “Because you decided for me and abandoned me when I needed you most. I’m only now getting back to myself, but the last six weeks has been a hard recovery. I wish you would’ve been upfront with me with all of this instead of going about it the way you did.”

  Tessah couldn’t deny the facts he laid out for her. In her head, she’d done the right thing. Cherry needed him more than she did but he needed her. Her messed up way of thinking had damaged their relationship more than once and she hoped like hell they could mend it.

  “I have a lot of growing and learning to do but I am sorry.”

  Kyree nodded as he gathered his still full plate of food. When he returned from the kitchen she forced the words out, “Where do we go from here?”

  “Nowhere.” His response sliced her in half and then sliced her ten more times. Hadn’t they had a moment of rectification? “The way we went about shit might have been wrong but you’re in Miami and I’m getting used to having Cherry twenty-four-seven — the timing isn’t right. I’m glad we could clear the air but even with everything you’ve told me… I’m not in a space to put myself out there again.”

  Her heart pounded out of her chest as he said his peace, ripping her at every end. She had no response, but she nodded and gave one anyway, “I see.”

  Kyree grabbed his keys off the table. “I gotta go get Cherry from Quint’s. I don’t mean to sound like an ass but I need you to be gone before I get back. She’s dealing with enough not having Chan around and I don’t want her to see you and—”

  She raised a hand. “I get it. I’ll be gone.”

  He picked up a vast envelope on his table. “These are the photos from the shoot I did. I’m sure you want them.” He handed it to her.

  “Thanks.”

  His eyes swept over her. “I wish you the best Tessah.”

  “You too,” she whispered as he planted a kiss on her cheek and disappeared out of her life.

  April

  “It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride.” — John Ruskin

  KYREE STOOD AT THE entrance of Crayola Experience in defense mode. He hadn’t wanted to agree to meet with her but he’d gone against his better judgment and hoped she didn’t make him show his ass.

  Another two minutes passed before his eyes landed on her light brown skin. On the outside, her skin glowed, her hair was fresh, and her beauty couldn’t be missed.

  “Where is she?” Chandra asked as her bow legs approached him.

  “Inside with Shayla. I wanted to make sure you didn’t show up on any bullshit.”

  Chandra nodded. “As you should have,” she conceded. “I promise I’ve been sober for two weeks.”

  He wanted to congratulate her, but it pained him who she’d become. His mom raised him better though. “That’s good to hear.”

  “Thank you.”

  Kyree turned, and she grabbed his elbow. “Can we talk first?”

  “Chandra.” Hot air blew out of his mouth.

  She raised her hands in surrender. “No. Not on any ‘be with me’ shit. I get it now. I’m getting past what I held on to but that’s why I want to talk to you.”

  Kyree stuck his hands into his pockets before giving her the floor.

  “I’m sorry for being a shitty mom. You nor Cherry deserved what I took y’all through. It happened fast. One wine cooler turned into a case which turned to hard liquor. The liquor wasn’t enough, so I found a connect who hooked me up with the pills.”

  “When did it start?”

  “The light drinking started in October. I bought the coolers for my clients but I thought I could have one. I was fine but as things with us got worse, so did I.”

  “So you’re blaming me again?”

  She held up her hand in protest. “No. I put myself back in this situation. It was all me just like I fucked up with Cherry. I wasn’t paying attention to her because my anger about you got the best of me. You were right for taking her from me when you did.”

  Her truth angered him but it also gave him peace of mind because she owned her mistakes. He couldn’t ask for anything more at this point.

  “Thank you. I don’t want you to ever think I want to keep Cherish from you but I need to make sure she’s in the best environment.”

  “You were being her father, and you kept her safe. One reason I loved you is because you’re gonna do what you gotta do for the people you love. At the time I was too high and angry to see that but deep down I never pursued anything legally because I knew I needed help.”

  “
Have you gotten it or did you sober up on your own?”

  “My own but it hasn’t been easy to be honest. That’s also why I wanted to talk to you and to see Cherry. I need help and time to find myself again. I don’t know how I became the girlfriend I ended up being to you, but I know I can’t take the easy way out when things get hard. Pills became my easy way.”

  “What is your plan?”

  “I found a program I wanna do. It’s long term for a minimum of 6 months and it’s in California.”

  “Cali? There was no place closer?”

  “Not for what I feel like I need. I don’t want you to think I’m abandoning Cherry. But, I need to do this to be the mom she deserves.”

  “Okay.” He drew her into a hug. “But I’m only keeping her until she’s ten. Once she gets into puberty and shit she gotta go.”

  Chandra and Kyree shared the first laugh they had in over a year and it made him smile. At one point he had loved her and even though that changed, he wanted the mother of his daughter to be good always.

  “Sooooo I gotta question though,” she said as he opened the door to the establishment. “Is your girlfriend in here?”

  “We ended things.”

  “Wait, what?” Genuine shock graced her face. “Please don’t say it had something to do with me?”

  He shook his head. “We’re in different places in our lives. She’s young and has growing to do and I’m—”

  “Being stupid.” Kyree cocked his head at her. “The reason I got furious over her is because of how you came at me about her. I saw how much you cared about her and you’re telling me we could be back fucking right now.”

  “Chandra.” He chuckled.

  She smirked. “I’m just saying I didn’t fall back off the wagon for you to break up with the girl.”

  “I’m not talking about this with you but thanks for your input.”

  “Fi—”

  “MOMMY!” Cherry’s squeal had them both snapping their head in their little princess’s direction as she came sprinting their way. Kyree smiled because he lived to see his daughter exude happiness. He hoped one day he’d get his back.