The Devil's Cave: A Humorous Fantasy Novel (The Legends of Damon Arkon: The World's Greatest Swordfighter)

by Everson Cook

  Damon was keeping himself busy making faces at a beautiful young maiden with blonde hair, a perky attitude and even perkier breasts when he heard something he had been expecting, yet dreading.

  "Please present Damon Arkon."

  7

  "Please present Damon Arkon," Tamyron repeated. He looked at the remaining criminals and to the guards for assistance.

  Damon Arkon checked around to see if anyone else would step forward in his place. Before anyone was given the chance of sacrificing themselves for the world's greatest swordfighter, Damon was roughly shoved forward by the guard standing behind him. Damon straightened his tunic and glared back at the guard.

  King Glendorrys leaned forward on his throne.

  The jester violently thrust his hips back and forth.

  The kid screamed, "Cut off his dick," with all of his might.

  "Geez, what's with that kid, huh?" Damon said. "Sounds like he might have some real issues. Watching all of this violence might not be in his best interest. Maybe he could use some new role models or something. Join a camp, learn some sports. Really just spitballing some ideas here."

  "Hmmm, join a camp. Or something," King Glendorrys said. His thoughts were clearly elsewhere.

  "I mean, every time he yells for you to cut off the person's dick. Has that ever worked?"

  The jester continued his thrusting. Just really getting into it. Like someone who had been waiting their whole life to do something and when they were finally given the ok, they just completely overdid it.

  King Glendorrys shot the jester a look. The jester's humping slowly subsided. When his thrusts came to a complete halt, the jester slumped away to spend some time alone with his thoughts. To contemplate whether this was even what he wanted to be doing with his life. He had been told that his mom wanted him to be a healer or a scholar, but he had always felt comedy was his calling. Maybe he was wrong. He just didn't know anymore.

  King Glendorrys said something to Tamyron. Again, he shielded his mouth to prevent anyone else from hearing. Tamyron nodded and dashed off the stage.

  "I know that no level of groveling or begging for my life is going to save me. So, I'm not going to say I'm sorry. And honestly, if I did, it would just be a lie anyway. I will admit though that I made a mistake."

  "That's... nice of you?" King Glendorrys said, unsure of what Damon was getting at.

  "Yes, the mistake of getting caught. I clearly see that now," Damon continued. "And I will have to live with that mistake for the next couple minutes of my life."

  "Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't say you've got a really swell place here. I was a little nervous at first, but the guards treated me with respect. For the most part. I do need to say that there was this one guy though, real piece of work--"

  The guard standing behind Damon cuffed him upside the head.

  King Glendorrys made a gesture to Damon that indicated he should really speed it up.

  "And look, again, I shouldn't have slept with, or more importantly gotten caught with, your betrothed. Although, I did teach her some things that I think you're going to like. Some next level stuff. Some stuff she'll probably break out on your wedding night--"

  Again, the guard behind him hit him against the head. Damon turned and glared at him.

  King Glendorrys felt his face getting hot. No one had ever disrespected him so blatantly before. He was the king after all. He could have people killed with the snap of his fingers. This meant that most people showed him nothing but respect, even if they didn't mean it.

  "She didn't love you, you know," he blurted.

  "What's that?" Confusion washed over Damon's face.

  "Princess Nortia. She didn't love you. Not really."

  "Oh," Damon said. "Whew. Well, that's a relief."

  "What?" King Glendorrys said. It was now his turn to be confused.

  "I'm just glad that she didn't love me, is all. Love is so messy and complicated. The last thing I need is some woman following me around, hanging all over me, complaining about how much I drink, and getting in my way as I'm doing amazing sword stuff. And it means there's still a chance for you. Really, no harm, no foul, right? So, I'll just leave. You can forget we ever met. Eventually."

  Damon turned to walk out, but was promptly grabbed on both shoulders by the guard behind him and turned back around.

  "You can't leave. You," King Glendorrys paused before spitting out the next word with disgust, "fornicated with my betrothed."

  "Right, right. That happens sometimes. When you're the world's greatest swordfighter, women just tend to throw themselves at you. It comes with the territory. And," Damon put his hand by his heart, "I feel pretty bad about it, but again, mostly only because I got caught. I've gotten caught way less times than not. Really you should be pleased with how tight your security is here. Another ten, fifteen minutes and you might've never known."

  "You're the world's greatest swordfighter?" King Glendorrys said. "How is that even possible? Your hands are so tiny."

  The crowd laughed. Damon lifted his bound hands up and looked at them as if doing so for the first time.

  "Huh, you know, I've never really noticed. And, quite honestly, no one has ever complained. You think they're tiny though?"

  Damon continued holding his hands up. He turned from side to side making sure the entire crowd got a good look. A couple women in the crowd nodded. Some looked unsure. And even more bit their lower lips and swayed their hips seductively.

  Damon shrugged. "Well, I might have tiny hands, but I've got a really big d--amn," Damon reached up and rubbed his head at the spot that just got cuffed again by the guard standing behind him. "Ouch. Seriously. That hurt," he said to the guard. Then he turned back toward the king, "I was going to say dream. A really big dream. Of proving to you, all of you, someday, that I'm the world's greatest swordfighter."

  King Glendorrys chuckled. He held his hands out as if to apologize. "I don't think you're going to have a chance to live that dream of yours Damon Arkon. Sad." The king stuck his lower lip out in a mock pout.

  "However," King Glendorrys continued, "If we can't make your dreams come true, maybe we can make the dreams of someone else come true."

  The crowd perked up.

  "What do you think people of Flenshorn? Should we make someone's dream come true today?" King Glendorrys shouted.

  "Yes!" the crowd screamed back. They started cheering and stomping their feet.

  King Glendorrys nodded. A sneer crept across his face.

  "Cut off his dick."

  The kid in the crowd who had kept making the request looked at the people around him. His eyes were wide open and wild. His jaw dropped and he shook involuntarily. He was in shock. He never expected he would see the day. He began to jump up and down, clapping spasmodically. Tears of joy rolled down his cheeks. It was the happiest day of his life. So far. He was an odd kid.

  Damon's jaw also dropped. But for different reasons. He was unsure what to think. On the one hand, he probably wouldn't die. He had seen remarkable improvement from the burly man with the axe since the earlier incident. The burly man seemed to be much more in command of his weapon and Damon expected it to be an accurate cut. But, on the other hand, his dick was his favorite part on his body and he would truly miss it. A finger or a toe he could live without. But his dick? After taking quick inventory of all the parts of his body he came to the same conclusion. Nope. He most definitely could not live without his dick.

  He turned to King Glendorrys to protest. It was one of the rare occasions where Damon was lost for words. "But...but..."

  "I'm sorry," King Glendorrys said. His words dripped with sarcasm. "All decisions truly are final."

  8

  "But...but," Damon continued to stammer.

  The guard nudged him toward the killing table. Damon went without resistance. He was too busy trying to figure out a way to keep his dick.

  The guard then shoved Damon forward, slamming his head on the wooden slab below. Damon could fe
el the warmth of the previous people's blood on his cheek. Yet it didn't bother him. He was too busy sputtering.

  "But... but..."

  "His dick," the kid screamed."You have to take his dick out!"

  "Yes, please, take his dick out," several women said in chorus.

  The guard roughly pulled Damon off of the table.

  "Go on. Off with 'em," the guard barked.

  Damon considered the alternatives, but there didn't appear to be any, so he stopped.

  Damon gripped the waist band, slowly pushed his pants down, and fished out his dick. He dropped it on the table with an audible thud.

  "No! Please don't cut off his dick!" all of the women screamed upon seeing it. "Let him keep it!"

  King Glendorrys shook his head.

  A skirmish then broke out in the stands over who might take the dislodged appendage home with them.

  The burly man with the axe strode over. He brought the handle down on his hand a few times. His chest was puffed out. If the black sack had a hole for the mouth it would've shown that he was smiling for the first time all day. He couldn't wait to chop off this man's dick. The dick of the world's greatest swordfighter. Although, he could've sworn King Glendorrys said this man's name was Damon Arkon. And he was confident that Lance Polehea was the greatest. But it wasn't something he was going to spend too much time worrying about. One way or another, he was going to tell his kids once he got home. They'd maybe respect his profession a little more once they heard what he had done. He wouldn't mention Damon by name though, just in case he was wrong. Also, he'd probably keep the fact that he chopped off the man's dick to himself as well. If he was being truly honest with himself, he'd probably just completely make up something about how great his job was and about how important his role was to the safety of the kingdom. It had never dawned on him before to try this approach.

  "But...but..." Damon kept muttering as if stuck on a loop.

  The burly man raised his axe over his head. The sun overhead glinted off of the shiny blade. It was truly a pleasant day for everyone except for those who had died or lost people who had died. Or were about to get their dick chopped off.

  "But...but..."

  The burly man slowly brought the axe down in a practice swing. He then raised it back up. He was ready. Sweat dripped down his face. Black wasn't the best color to wear in this heat.

  His muscles flexed. On his bicep was a heart tattoo that read "Mom." The movement of his arm made it look like the heart was getting chopped by another tattoo of an axe.

  "Ring of Ashmara!" Damon suddenly blurted.

  "Wait!" King Glendorrys yelled, leaping from his throne and throwing his hands up. He waved them frantically hoping to catch the axe man's attention.

  But the burly man was already committed to the swing, bringing the sharp blade down with tremendous force and what looked like surprising precision.

  9

  The burly man twisted the axe at the last second, barely missing Damon Arkon's sizable dick. He did, however, manage to chop off another guard's hand.

  The kid gasped when Damon's dick remained intact. He had never been more disappointed in his entire life and he was nearly eight. The kid slunk out of the stands. He was determined to live long enough to someday cut off dicks on his own. And if he did, he knew exactly who was going to be his first victim.

  Tamyron rushed back carrying a large burlap sack that was tied off with a rope. The sack hung low from the weight of whatever was inside. He watched as the hand went skidding off the table and landed right into a basket of heads.

  "I'll get another gift basket," he said to the king.

  King Glendorrys nodded sadly. He opened his mouth as if to speak. Before he could say anything, Tamyron interjected, "The last guard ended up dying from too much blood loss, so I'll just give this guard whatever was left over."

  The Flenshorn historian, in his old age, forgot about the previous incident and went to remove the "Days Since Last Accident" sign. He stared at it in confusion for a couple minutes, shrugged, and walked away.

  Damon stood back from the killing table. He rolled his neck from side to side working out the stress knots.

  He looked up at the king with a smile. "The Ring of Ashmara. I know where it is," Damon said as he pulled his dick back into the relative safety of his pants and then pulled them back up as well.

  The women in the crowd groaned with disappointment.

  "You know the location of a missing ring? The most powerful ring in the world? You expect us to believe that?" King Glendorrys said with a laugh.

  The spectators laughed right along with him. It was one of the crazier things they had ever heard. And all of them had heard a lot of crazy things. Like that time the woman who lived by herself on the edge of Flenshorn and Agorda claimed to not be a witch. While no one was ever definitively able to prove it, and despite her protests and her insistence that she wasn't one, it was quite obvious that she was and had been burned to death appropriately. At least they no longer had to worry about her stealing their children.

  "Well, yes, actually. I do," Damon said.

  "Many have searched for the Ring of Ashmara for hundreds of years. What makes you think you'll succeed where others have failed?"

  "Overconfidence," Damon said with a smirk. "If I don't find it and bring it back, I'm destined for that chopping block over there. What's one last adventure before I'm summoned to the land of everlasting darkness?"

  "That seems a little too deep, even for you," King Glendorrys said.

  "First, no one has ever complained about me being 'too deep,'" Damon said, causing a few of the women in the stands to blush. At least one woman passed out as far as Damon could see. "Second, I read it on the back of a latrine wall once. I think it had something to do with poop. I don't know. Seemed to fit the occasion. But, I do expect you to believe it, because I know its location. Look, I'll go get the ring and bring it back here. You can give it to Princess Nortia. Women love big things. And Princess Nortia is no different. I've had firsthand experience. Then we can put this whole thing behind us. Ok? I'll trade you the ring for my life. My entire life, not just the dick part."

  The king motioned to Tamyron to hand him the sack. Tamyron cracked a knowing smile at Damon as he hefted it over.

  King Glendorrys took the sack and untied the rope. He threw the sack at Damon's feet.

  "I don't think the ring will do Princess Nortia much good I'm afraid."

  The sack hit the ground and Princess Nortia's severed head rolled out.

  The crowd collectively gasped. This was a direct act of war. And with the impending harvest, they weren't sure how they were going to both fight and farm.

  Damon's looked down at Princess Nortia's head. Her mouth was shaped in an "o" and her eyes were bugged out. It reminded him of how she looked right before the guard found them. Only she had a little more color in her face then.

  Damon directed his attention back up to King Glendorrys. The king glared right back.

  Eventually, King Glendorrys blinked.

  "I really do want that ring though. For myself at least. Now that I've cut off the head of the first daughter of King Cassinius of Gonst, it's really going to come in handy, what with the sure to be forthcoming war. So, all right. Damon Arkon, you've got yourself a deal. The Ring of Ashmara for your life."

  For the second time today, Damon breathed out a sigh of relief.

  "That's fantastic! You won't regret this. I'm a man of my word. So, I'll definitely be back with the ring." Damon raised his tied hands up. "You think I could get these cut off? And maybe a sword?"

  "You know what, I'm pressing my luck here. You're already being overly generous, what with not killing me and all. I'll figure it out later." Damon turned and patted the guard behind him on the chest. He gave the guard a wink. He began whistling as he worked his way back from where he had entered the courtyard.

  As he got to the door to the outside, the guards, well, guarding it, dropped their battle axes bl
ocking his exit.

  "Uh, excuse me fellas. Maybe you didn't hear all the way back here, but I'm free to go."

  "Mr. Arkon," King Glendorrys shouted.

  Damon turned back toward the king. The king waved his hands beckoning Damon back.

  "I'll be right back," Damon said to the guards. "See what I can do to clear up this confusion. I get it. Just doing your jobs. Keep up the good work protecting the kingdom. There are a lot of bad people out there. Trust me. I know."

  Damon made his way back to the stage.

  "Sorry, do you need me to fill out some paperwork or something? The guys at the gate won't let me leave." Damon pointed over his shoulder with his thumbs at the guards who were back to standing stiffly upright and staring straight ahead. "I told them you said it was ok. Maybe you could give them a thumbs up or a wave or a nod of your head or something while I'm standing here." Damon turned back and waved at the guards. They did not wave back.

  "Mr. Arkon," King Glendorrys began.

  "Damon, please. Mr. Arkon is so formal. I feel like we're maybe on a less formal level, you know? You have seen my dick after all. I mean, I'll still refer to you as king though. That's fine."

  "Mr. Arkon," King Glendorrys started again.

  "Oh, so we're going to stick with the whole formal...? Sure, no problem. Your prerogative."

  "Did you seriously think I was going to just let you leave?" King Glendorrys continued.

  "It would be pretty hard for me to get the Ring of Ashmara for you if you didn't."

  King Glendorrys laughed.

  "You're not going to get the ring for me. You're going to tell me where the ring is located. Then I'll send my men for it."

  It was Damon's turn to laugh.

  "No, that's actually not how it's going to happen." Damon shook his head.

  "Then I'll just have you killed." King Glendorrys gestured for the guards to seize Damon.

  Damon shrugged. "Suit yourself, but if I die, so does the location of the ring."