The Devil's Cave: A Humorous Fantasy Novel (The Legends of Damon Arkon: The World's Greatest Swordfighter)

by Everson Cook

  "Once again, you've wasted a perfectly good ale." Damon lifted the beard hairs into his mouth and sucked off what he could.

  "I said, how so?" Belosic repeated. If it was possible, his frame seemed to loom a little more ominously over Damon who casually removed his beard from his mouth.

  "You have some real anger issues, you know that?"

  Belosic growled in frustration. He wasn't sure why he was wasting his time trying to get an answer from Damon when he was perfectly capable of going inside and checking on Kaateria himself. He stood and tossed open the door. He entered the house and made his way to the back. Damon followed closely behind.

  Harry was sitting on a wooden stool to the side of Kaateria. His glasses were low on his nose and the magnifying lenses were in place. Beads of sweat dripped down Harry's cheeks leaving trails from his head to his chin. He was poking the areas he had put the tar-like substance on with a thick stick. The stick was so thick, that it was actually slightly more accurate to call it a branch. Although that too would've been somewhat of an over-exaggeration. The substance moved with each poke and prod. Then it snapped back into place. Each time it moved, the substance got lighter in color giving it the appearance of getting smaller.

  "How is she?" Belosic asked. He looked at Kaateria who remained on the table. Her eyes fluttered behind the lids. Occasionally they would clamp down. She was either having a scary dream or the pain was still present. It didn't matter. Belosic was just happy to see increased signs of life.

  "She's...good..." Harry said with a hint of surprise in his voice. He dragged his arm over his face wiping away the sweat. "I think you'll have to spend the night, unfortunately." Harry cast his eyes on Damon. "But by tomorrow our patient should be right as rain. The stuff just needs some more time to seal the wound and stave off any infection. You should be good to go by breakfast."

  "Never doubted you for a minute Harry," Damon said. He slapped Harry on the shoulder.

  "Bah." Harry shrugged Damon's hand off.

  "Thank you," Belosic said. "I really appreciate all that you've done for her."

  Belosic bowed his head. Harry waved it away.

  Damon walked over to the counter and picked up the bladder full of ale. He rummaged around for two clean mugs and then filled them with the amber liquid. He offered one to Harry. Harry placed his prod on the table next to Kaateria and took the beverage in hand. Harry raised his mug to Damon and took a sip. He sighed and smacked his lips.

  "That really hit the spot."

  Damon raised his mug and said, "I'm glad you saved her Harry, but I'm disappointed Belosic doesn't get to kill you. Mona is a beautiful woman and she deserves a real man." Damon winked, adjusted his crotch, and threw back his drink.

  Harry tossed his unfinished drink at Damon's head. Damon ducked just in time. The mug shattered against the wall. The remaining ale splashed on the counter and the floor.

  "Bless the Gods, what's with everyone throwing away perfectly good drink today?"

  "Don't worry Harry," Mona said as she bustled into the room. "You're all the real man I need."

  "Thank you dear," Harry said. He adjusted his glasses. Mona sat on his lap and gave him a peck on the lips.

  Damon elbowed Belosic in the side. Belosic groaned.

  "Oh, sorry about that. I totally forgot you were stabbed. You know, you should probably get that looked at. Since we're here anyway. Although Harry has had that sip of ale now, which generally isn't good, and he was successful already with saving Kaateria, so the odds are further stacked against you...Yeah, you should definitely get that looked at." Damon grinned.

  "Was there a reason you elbowed me or was it just to give you an opportunity to babble some more of your nonsense?"

  "You know there was a reason, but I've totally forgotten what it was. It'll come back to me eventually."

  "When it does, keep it to yourself," Belosic said.

  Mona got up from Harry's lap. She straightened her skirt. "I'll fix you boys up a place to stay."

  "It won't be necessary," Belosic said.

  "Won't be necessary?" Damon said. "It will be necessary. I need a proper bed. I haven't had one in... what? Two days?"

  "We'll be staying here. In this room. Keeping watch over Kaateria." Belosic tilted his head toward Damon. "And that one. I can't let him out of my sight."

  "What did he do anyway?" Harry asked.

  "I didn't do anything you wouldn't have done," Damon said to Harry.

  "He slept with the future queen of Flenshorn," Belosic said.

  "I wouldn't have done that," Harry said.

  Mona patted her husband on the arm.

  "Of course you wouldn't have dear."

  "You would've if you'd seen her," Damon said. He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

  And savored another sip of his ale.

  25

  Damon, Belosic, Harry, and Mona decided it was best for Kaateria if they all left the room and allowed her to sleep in silence. The stuff Harry had slapped on appeared as though it was continuing to work its magic. Or at least everyone hoped it was.

  The group moved into another room. Harry picked up some sticks and threw them in the fireplace. He knelt down and began rubbing his hands together quickly. He felt the heat start to build in them. Then he blew on his palms, directing the breath toward the wood. With a pop and a crackle the sticks started on fire.

  "Neat trick," Damon said.

  "I picked it up from a wizard who passed through here many moons ago. After I healed him I found I could do it"

  "Did you lay hands on him?" Damon asked.

  "Of course."

  "It's probably a disease."

  "Bah," Harry said.

  Mona threw some stuff she had collected in the woods earlier into a giant pot and placed it over the fire to cook.

  She took a seat on the bench next to her husband. Harry handed her a glass of ale. Mona took it and snuggled in closer, enjoying the warmth provided by the fire and her husband's body. Belosic and Damon sat on separate chairs on either side of the bench. Damon sat on the one closer to Mona. His lips were wet with ale and his eyes were beginning to look a little glassy. Belosic, after pledging to Damon that he wouldn't throw anymore ale under any circumstances, was reluctantly handed a cup. He cradled the still full mug in his hands and stared into the flames.

  "I feel bad for your neighbor," Damon said.

  "Which neighbor?" Harry asked.

  "The one who lives in the cave."

  "What happened to him?"

  "That's a good question," Damon said.

  "Oh, I hope he's ok. He's such nice young man," Mona said. "Strong. Always willing to help out when Harry is gone. With anything I need really."

  Damon watched as Mona absentmindedly rubbed her fingers over the lip of the mug in her hand.

  "Well, I mostly meant that I felt bad for him because of all the dead bodies we left behind. It's going to take him a while to clean up the mess. Not to mention the smell. He better hope that cave doesn't get too hot during the day or he's going to need to find a new home. There was also a picture hanging on the wall that looked like it had been slashed by some claws."

  "Of what?"

  "Of who. It appeared to be a picture of him. I couldn't say though. I never met the guy."

  "Blonde hair. Blue eyes. A look on his face of questionable intelligence?"

  Damon thought about it. "I'm fairly confident that was him. Maybe it had something to do with what caused Kaateria to scream?"

  "No," Belosic shook his head. "It didn't."

  "Are you sure?"

  "Positive."

  "Then what was it?"

  "Couldn't say."

  Damon stared at Belosic who returned it back. Seeing that Belosic wasn't going to break, Damon dropped it.

  "Fine, don't tell me."

  "I won't."

  Belosic took a sip of his ale. He licked his lips and looked at the liquid inside his mug with interest. He caught Harry's eye and lifted his mug
in a sign of appreciation.

  "See, I told you it was good," Damon said having watched Belosic try it. "Sometimes you just need to lighten up. You're always so serious. Learn to enjoy things."

  "Someone needs to be serious," Belosic said. "Otherwise we'd never complete our mission."

  "Eh, let Kaateria be serious," Damon said. "That's more of a woman's job."

  "What's the mission?" Mona asked. She took a sip. She never looked up from the fire.

  "I don't think that's--" Belosic started.

  "We're going to get the Ring of Ashmara," Damon blurted.

  Harry choked on his ale. Mona patted him on the back.

  "The Ring of Ashmara?" Harry eventually coughed out.

  "Yes, why? Do you know where it's located?"

  "No one knows where it's located," Harry said.

  "Wrong. I know."

  "Impossible."

  "Is it?" Damon took a sip of his ale and winked at Harry over the rim.

  Harry eyed him. He had the misfortune of being aware of Damon Arkon for several years, ever since the Battle of Balognya. He was pretty sure he could read when Damon was lying. And it didn't seem that he was.

  "You best be careful Damon Arkon, if you know what's good for you," Mona said.

  "Come on Mona. You know me better than that. I never know what's good for me and I'm rarely careful."

  "What do you know that you aren't sharing?" Belosic asked.

  Harry looked from Damon, to Belosic, back to Damon, then back to Belosic. "Look, I don't like you, either of you. He's...well, he's Damon Arkon, nothing more needs to be said about that, and you threatened to kill me. But my wife seems to like Damon for some reason, and I'd hate for my saving your friend's life to go to waste. So, I'll give you this piece of advice -- When fighting Meridtora, keep your eyes up north. If you drop your eyes low enough, and you get sucked into her...," Harry rounded his hands and moved them from the top of his chest to the bottom repeatedly. "Well, let's just say it's over for you before you can really enjoy the view."

  Belosic nodded his head gravely.

  "Oh, I'll find a way to enjoy the view," Damon said.

  "So, how is it you came to know of the location of the ring?"

  "Well, after I slept with the princess, which, let me tell you was amazing, I was thrown into jail and my cellmate told me of it's location."

  "And how did he know where to find it?"

  "He just did. He said telling me was his part in fulfilling a prophecy."

  "And you believe him?" Harry asked Belosic.

  "We don't really have a choice," Belosic said. "However, it's either the ring or his dick, so he better know."

  Mona gasped. Harry shot her a look. She shrugged.

  "What? It seems kind of like an unfair trade."

  "I know where it is. Don't you worry," Damon said.

  "How long are you giving him to find it?" Harry asked.

  "As long as I need," Damon said.

  "Which better not be very long," Belosic said.

  "How far is it to Grenberg from here?" Damon asked.

  "Not far," Mona said.

  "Are you saying it's located in Grenberg?" Belosic asked. He straightened in his chair. "Unbelievable. It's been within a hard ride this whole time." Belosic shook his head.

  "Hard ride," Damon repeated with a laugh. "No, I was just wondering. It's a beautiful spot. Might even be a great spot for a...hard ride..." Damon smiled. "You two heard him say 'hard ride' right?"

  Belosic slouched back in his chair. He sighed heavily and rubbed his hand over his brow. Was there nothing that Damon couldn't turn into a sex joke? Harry groaned his disapproval as well. He shook his head, stood up from his chair, and exited the room. Mona stifled a laugh. Then she shot Damon a stern look.

  "What? He said it. Not me."

  "I know dear. I think it's time to call it a night."

  Mona gave Damon a peck on the head and followed her husband out of the room.

  "We should check on Kaateria."

  "Sure, sure," Damon said. He stood from his chair, a little too quickly, and just as fast sat back down. He looked into his empty mug. Then threw it across the room, shattering it.

  "What? Everyone else was doing it," he said with a shrug when he noticed Belosic's look of disapproval.

  Belosic helped Damon to his feet and they moved into the other room where they'd spend the rest of the night. Kaateria remained asleep on the table. Her body periodically spasmed as the black gloop supposedly continued to work its magic.

  Belosic searched the room for a place to tie up Damon. He looked past the shelves lined with vials of various medicines, past the cupboards that struggled to remain closed, and past the counters. There was really only one spot that would work.

  "I need to get some sleep. That battle, and this thing with Kaateria, have taken a lot out of me. I'm going to tie you up to the table, as I don't have anyone to watch you. If you try anything, so help you--"

  Damon held his hands up. "Don't worry. I wouldn't dare."

  Belosic glared at him. Then he nodded. He grabbed the chains in one hand and carefully lifted the table with the other. Then he twisted the chains and slipped them around the table leg. He set the table back down on the floor.

  "Ok, see if you can escape."

  "I'm telling you that I won't."

  "Just try."

  Damon sighed.

  "Fine."

  He pulled up on the table. It didn't budge.

  "Huh. Did you put some kind of spell on this while I wasn't paying any attention?"

  Damon tried again. His feet slipped and slid on the floor and he quickly found himself there as well.

  Belosic was pleased. He walked over to the corner of the room where he curled up into a surprisingly tiny ball. He quickly dozed off and began to snore. It was loud and horrible. Even if Damon wanted to sleep, he knew he wouldn't be able to with all that racket.

  So, instead, he watched Kaateria sleep.

  And that's where he remained until the sun began to rise.

  26

  Kaateria's eyelids fluttered as they slowly adjusted to the sunlight that streamed in through the window. Her body still ached and she gave a little yelp as she tried to move into a sitting position.

  "Bless the Gods, you're alive," Damon said.

  "I feel like I'm dead," Kaateria groaned. Her voice was dry and scratchy.

  "I think you might have been."

  Kaateria's eyes went wide.

  "But only for like a minute. Look, what do you expect when you get taken to Hope and Pray Harry?"

  "To not get taken to a guy named... 'Hope and Pray Harry' was it?

  "It was the best we could do given the situation," Belosic said groggily from the corner. His body unspooled from the tight ball it had squeezed into. He yawned and stretched as he struggled awake.

  "Also, most people just call me Harry," Harry said as he walked into the room. He went over to the fireplace and stoked the ashes which had maintained their glow throughout the night. There was a puff of smoke which was followed by a tiny flame that soon built into a roaring fire.

  Belosic rose to his feet and walked over next to Kaateria.

  "Belosic, I'm glad you're alive," Kaateria said.

  "That makes two of us," Belosic said.

  "Yep, just two," Damon said.

  "I'm glad you're alive as well," Belosic said, ignoring Damon.

  "That also makes two of us," Kaateria said.

  "Nope, three of us," Damon chimed in. "Actually three of us are happy you're alive."

  "Good Morning, dear," Mona said as she rushed over to Kaateria. She picked up Kaateria's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "We're all glad you were able to pull through." Mona shot Damon a look.

  "Right. Right. Sure."

  "Thanks," Kaateria croaked. "Do you think I could get some water?" Kaateria motioned toward her throat.

  "Oh, of course dear. Right away."

  Mona bustled out of the room and retur
ned moments later with a mug filled with water. Scrawled along the bottom of the mug in a shaky hand was the name "Chad." A line trailed off from the "d" to the edge of the mug as if the person had died midway through writing it or had been otherwise startled.

  Kaateria propped herself up on one arm. She carefully took the mug in the other, being sure not to drop it.

  Kaateria sipped the cool, refreshing beverage slowly at first. Then she took some much bigger gulps. When she was nearly to the bottom, she tossed her head back and took what was left of the water with it.

  Mona took the empty mug from her. She bustled out of the room again. And came back quickly after with more water. Kaateria gladly accepted it.

  "How long have I been asleep?" Kaateria asked. Her voice sounded smoother than before. Better lubricated. The water had done one of its essential functions.

  "Less than a day," Harry said.

  Katerina swung her body around on the table.

  "That's too long," she said. "We need to get moving."

  "Now hold on just a second. Hold on. You're not going anywhere. I need to check and make sure you're completely healed."

  Kaateria cautiously got to her feet. She reached for the handle of her sword and pulled it from its sheath.

  "Whoa, whoa, whoa," Harry said. He held his hands up and retreated. He bumped into a chair and sent a bowl crashing to the ground. It shattered on impact.

  Katerina swung her sword. She twisted her body. She gritted her teeth as the pain shot through her. She just needed some time. But that time could be worked out on the road. She returned her sword to the sheath. Then she picked the sheath up and tied it around her waist.

  "Can we at least eat first?" Damon asked.

  "Yes, dear, why don't you have some breakfast? Then you can hit the road," Mona said.

  Kaateria nodded agreement. Mona went off to rustle something up.

  "We should probably take some ale for the road, too. Don't you think Belosic?"

  Then turning to Kaateria, Damon said, "What Harry lacks in medicinal skills he more than makes up for in brewing."