My apartment in Portland features a huge picture window with a picture perfect view of Mt. Hood. I’d grown into the habit of waking up before dawn so I could watch the sun rise over the mountain in the mornings.
I sighed heavily, looking down at the infant in my arms.
I miss my old life, if I’m being honest.
I missed my circle of friends, my simple routine of waking up in the morning and watching the sun come up, then spending the day doing whatever I pleased, working on my commissions, hanging out with my friends.
Somewhere along the way, everything changed.
I tried to think back to where it all went wrong. Perhaps when I started dreaming of a new world, a new way of life. I’d created a huge mural in exchange for a little ghost town near the mountain and from there, my imagination went wild.
It all started innocently enough, but things got out of hand and I did things that I never should have done.
Kidnapping Libby was the worst.
As it always did, when I thought about Libby, my heart seemed to crack a little wider. I looked down at Grace’s baby and tried to put those feelings onto her, but still, it just didn’t work.
She smiled up at me, cooing gently, her little fingers clenched around my finger. She was beautiful. But she left me feeling cold and empty, the hole in my heart no less filled because I possessed her.
It wasn’t just any kid I wanted.
I wanted Libby.
“Maybe you’ll grow on me,” I whispered to her. “I need to just give it a little more time.”
She snuggled into me and I tightened the blanket around her. My stomach growled and I nodded.
“Right, food,” I said to the empty room. I’d been so busy concentrating on making sure the baby’s needs were met, I forgot about my own. I grabbed the diaper bag and the car seat, buckling Sadie into it and leaving the hotel room.
I drove to the nearest restaurant I could find and carried Sadie inside with me, plastering the most matronly smile I could muster on my face.
CHAPTER NINE
GRACE
Twenty minutes and one Lyft ride later, I was at the KATU headquarters. After a tense showdown with the security guard, I was ushered up to Diana’s office.
“Put me on the air!” I demanded as I burst into her office.
“Grace!” she cried, standing and running around her desk and pulling me into her arms. I allowed her to hug me, but I quickly pulled away. “Where’s Ryder?”
“Probably at the hospital by now and freaking out because I’m not there.”
“I see,” she nodded. She understood, I could see it in her eyes, and that acceptance of my frantic worry was extremely comforting. It wasn’t long ago that she didn’t know where her husband was and I was comforting her.
“I’ll let him know you’re here. I think we should wait for him. The Gods have had hundreds of posters made and they’re plastering them all over the city as we speak.”
“Good,” I nodded.
“Ryder’s interview aired last night,” she said.
“I know,” I said. “But I want to do one myself.”
“Are you in any shape to do that?” She said, looking at the huge bandage on my head wrapped around my stitched-up wound and the purple bruises I’d woken up to this morning.
“I’m fine!’ I insisted.
She paused, looking me over a moment, before nodding slowly.
“Okay, my slot airs in an hour,” she said. “I need to clear it with my producer, but I know they’ll allow it. I’ll be right back.”
“Thank you, Diana,” I said, trying to muster a smile of gratitude. She hugged me again.
“I’ll be right back,” she said. “In the meantime, you should eat something. There’s a muffin and some juice on my desk.”
I nodded and sat down as she walked out. Taking a deep breath, I tried to gather my thoughts. Now that I was out of the hospital, I needed a plan. Coming up with that plan was proving harder than expected, because while I may be cool-headed and calm in the face of other people’s trauma, I was having an extremely hard time keeping my shit together now that it was my child involved.
My stomach churned with worry, my hands trembling as I sat there, trying to go over every second I could remember before everything went black.
But there was nothing.
Not a thing. I didn’t even remember the car door opening. I didn’t remember Ryder going into Starbucks, although he told me we had an entire discussion about it.
I remembered leaving the hospital and making sure Sadie was safely secured in her car seat, and that was it. I hung my head, cradling my face in my hands. I hated that I couldn’t remember anything. I hated that I’d not protected my child.
“Hey,” a soft voice called out.
I lifted my head and saw Ryder standing there watching me. Behind him stood an angry looking Bones, and Slade and Wreck with boxes in their arms.
I ran over to Ryder and he pulled me into his arms.
“So you broke out of the hospital, huh?” he said. I looked up into his eyes, clouded with pain.
“I couldn’t stay there any longer,” I cried.
“It’s okay,” he shrugged. “I brought the Doc to you.”
I looked sheepishly at Bones.
“You’re a very bad patient, Grace,” he winked.
“I know,” I said.
“Let me just look you over a minute, and then you’ll be cleared to do whatever you need to, okay?”
“Thanks,” I muttered. He did a quick exam, looking in my eyes and examining my stitches.
“Okay,” he shrugged. “But no physical activity outside of walking, got it? No heavy lifting and no drinking.”
“Got it, thanks Bones,” I said, turning to Ryder. “Diana’s going to put me on the air. Is there any news from Riot?”
“No, babe,” he shook his head. “But we’re using all the manpower we have. Some of the Gods are putting up posters, others are fanned out scouring the city and neighboring towns, Riot’s trying to trace all the security footage he can find on the route the car took to see where he stopped. We even had t-shirts made.”
“This is unreal,” I said, my eyes filling with tears.
“We’re going to find her, babe,” he insisted. “I promise.”
“You don’t know that,” I said, a wave of helplessness washing over me.
“Yes, I do,” he said, grabbing my arms, his eyes peering intently into mine. “And you have to believe that, Grace. You can’t give up. You can’t.”
I nodded. He was right.
“Yes, yes,” I said. “Yes, we will.”
Slade walked past me and dropped the box on Diana’s desk, opening it up and pulling out a t-shirt with my baby daughter’s face on it.
“Don’t you worry, Grace,” he said. “Nothing’s going to keep us from finding your baby. We’re the fucking Gods. There’s nothing we can’t handle.”
“Fuck, I love you, man,” Ryder said, shaking his head.
“Love you, too, brother,” Slade said. He pulled me into his arms. “Grace, you’re the strongest person I know. But you don’t have to be strong now. Let us do the heavy lifting, okay? We got this shit. Believe it.”
I nodded.
He was right.
I took a deep breath and exhaled, pulling the shirt over my head as Diana walked in.
“We’re all set,” she said. “And the more the merrier, so you should all stand behind Grace as a show of support.”
One by one, Slade, Wreck, Bones and Ryder pulled off their shirts to change in the hallway outside of Diana’s office, providing everyone interested with an amazing view.
CHAPTER TEN
MONA
“How old is your baby?” the waitress asked.
“About a week old,” I said.
“She’s beautiful,” she said. “You must be so proud.”
“I am,” I said, doing my best impression of a beaming mother.
“Did you have an e
asy delivery?” she asked.
I paused and then nodded.
“It wasn’t too bad,” I replied. God, she was fucking nosy. Is this what it’s like, I wondered? Everyone prying into your business.
“I guess not if you’re up and around by yourself after a week!” she replied. “I didn’t leave the house for a month, I think!”
“Oh,” I nodded, trying to smile, trying not to punch her in the mouth. “Guess I’m one of the lucky ones.”
“You are,” she said. “Well, enjoy her! Time flies.”
“It does,” I nodded, thinking about Libby. I couldn’t believe how much time had passed since I’d given birth to her. She was a grown woman now and I’d missed it all. Everything.
I ordered a huge breakfast and when I asked for a second cup of coffee, the waitress’ raised eyebrow wasn’t lost on me. Let her judge me, what did I care? I wasn’t really breast feeding and coffee was going to be a necessity if I kept this up for too long.
Sure, I was used to getting up early, but no sleep for days on end might just do me in. So far, so good, but I knew how quickly a baby’s demeanor could change. I was just waiting for the storm to come. I mean, at the very least, she’d start teething soon, right?
I had no idea when babies started teething, but I knew it was something parents complained about a lot. I made a note to stop at a book store and pick up one of those books about what to expect.
The waitress came by again to fill up my coffee cup, but when I looked up, I saw something different in her eyes as she glanced at Sadie curiously. I glanced behind her, and saw the news blaring on the television mounted in the corner. Grace stood behind a podium, the Gods by her side, all of them wearing t-shirts emblazoned with little Sadie’s face on them. I couldn’t hear what she was saying, the volume was turned down, but it didn’t matter. The anguish on her face said it all.
“Terrible, isn’t it?” the waitress asked.
“It really is,” I replied, shaking my head sadly. “I can’t imagine what the family must be going through.”
“Yes,” she nodded, looking back at the TV.
“Could I have the check, please?” I asked, reaching over and covering Sadie’s face with her blanket.
“Of course,” she nodded, pulling it out of her apron and placing it on the table, before walking away.
I threw a twenty on the table, gathered up the baby and her things and walked out, the look in Grace’s eyes haunting me as I drove back to the hotel.
Guilt threatened to break through the surface, but I pushed it away.
“You deserve this, bitch,” I muttered to myself.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
GRACE
“They don’t have any leads at all,” I said, hanging up the phone, and pacing around Diana’s desk. “The cops are worthless.”
The television appearance left me exhausted. Or, maybe it was the concussion. Most likely, it was the stress.
I couldn’t stop thinking about Sadie. I was worried if she was safe, if she was eating, and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out who would take her. I hung my head in disappointment. The life I’d chosen to lead had led to this.
The anger I’d riled up in the hearts of evil men by bringing them to justice had come back to bite me in the ass in the worst possible way.
“Tell Riot to make a list of everyone who’s still alive that we may have pissed off,” I said.
“He’s already on it,” Ryder replied. “But it could be a stranger. It could have been random.”
“I doubt it,” I said. “Someone was following us.”
He sighed and wrapped his arms around me. I wiggled away, feeling claustrophobic.
“I need to do something! Anything!” I insisted.
“It’s maddening, I know,” he said. “But what you need to do is take it easy. You heard what Bones said. Why don’t you sit down, babe?”
“Yeah, right,” I said. “That’s not going to happen.”
“Babe,” he said, his voice a soft, low warning.
“I just can’t sit still!” I cried.
“I know,” he said, shaking his head. “I feel the same way. I just want to punch something.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said.
“I should have never left you alone,” he insisted, running a hand through his long, dark hair.
“You had no idea this was going to happen, Ryder,” I replied, shaking my head.
“Look, you two are a fucking mess right now, okay?” Slade walked in, taking one look at us and shaking his head. “Even if we had leads to follow, you two need to be out of the fray. You’re going to have to let us handle this. I just got off the phone with Riot and he’s going to start working his way down the list he made. We’re going to check out each person personally.”
I looked at him and the other Gods standing behind him in the hallway, grateful for each of them. Tears filled my eyes and I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. Breaking down in front of them was not something I wanted to do again, though.
“I need to use the restroom,” I said, stepping around Ryder and avoiding his eyes, filled with concern and pain and probably a perfect mirror of my own.
I wandered down the hall in search of the bathroom. As soon as I closed the door, I took a deep breath and then another.
Tears stung my eyes and I tried to hold them back long enough to make it to the stall, so I could have complete privacy for the breakdown I knew was coming.
I’d just locked the door when my phone rang.
I answered it quickly, hoping for some word about Sadie. “Hello?”
“Hello, Grace. It’s Mona.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
MONA
“Mona?” Grace asked, her voice full of bewilderment. “I don’t have time to deal with you right now. I can’t believe you’re calling me.”
“I want Libby.”
“What did I just say?” Grace asked, her voice shaking. She was a mess, I could tell by just the few words she’d spoken. Good. Now she had a taste of what I felt like. She needed to understand the pain she’d put me through. “I can’t help you. Libby doesn’t want anything to do with you. I have to go —.”
“— I’ll trade you.”
“Trade me?” she asked. “You don’t have anything I want, Mona.”
“I have Sadie.”
The silence cracked through the phone like something breaking. Her breath, ragged and pained, found its way to my ear and I smiled again.
She’s a mess, I thought.
“In fact, she’s cuddled safely in my arms right now,” I continued. “She’s beautiful, Grace. Really pretty. She looks like you, you know.”
“Mona,” she whispered raggedly. “Please.”
“No need to beg, don’t be pathetic,” I replied. “I told you I’d trade you. My daughter for your daughter. Seems only fair, don’t you think?”
“Libby’s an adult. I don’t own her, and neither do you.”
“I know that,” I replied, wrinkling my brow. “Do you think I’m a monster? Oh, you probably do, don’t you?” I sighed. “Nobody ever understands me, Grace. I only want to do good. I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone.”
“You’ve hurt a lot of people, Mona. You’re hurting me now.”
“Oh,” I quipped, “well, to be frank, you’re the exception. You hurt me. So, it’s only fitting you get a taste of your own medicine. I’ll be honest with you, though. This baby of yours? I don’t really feel anything for her. I look at her and there’s just nothing. Did you feel like that when you took Libby from me?”
“I didn’t take Libby from you, Mona.”
“You did, though.”
“Mona, please, just tell me where you are and I’ll be right there.”
I took a deep breath and the baby stirred, cooing softly.
“Can you hear her?” I asked.
“Yes,” she replied raggedly, her voice barely a whisper.
“I’ll text you an address. But you can’t call the
cops, Grace. You can’t bring that army of cock that follows you around, either. Just you and Libby. In fact, I have people watching you and your precious clubhouse, so I’ll know if they’re on the move. If you bring anyone else, you’ll never hear that sweet little sound again. Do you believe me?”
“Yes,” she cried.
The poor woman’s heart was breaking. She was probably paralyzed with fear. My heart filled with joy.
“What if Libby says no?” she asked.
“Then I guess you don’t get Sadie back,” I replied. “Like I said, it’s only fair.”
I hung up before she could say anything else.
I didn’t want to hear her cry.
I mean, I wanted her to cry. I wanted her anguish to be ten times as strong as what I’d felt.
But she should suffer alone.
Just like I did.
I looked down at her baby, her tiny little hand wrapped around my finger.
“You’re so fragile,” I said to her. She smiled up at me, her big eyes darting around and seeing nothing and everything all at once. “So vulnerable. It would be so very, very easy to stop those little lungs from breathing.”
I smiled down at her, caressing her fat little cheek. Bending my head, I brushed my lips across her soft forehead before placing her back into the portable crib I’d set up in the hotel room. Staring down at her wiggling little body, I sighed.
“I’m pretty sure your mama loves you, though,” I said. “And as long as she does what I say, you get to keep breathing, little one.”
I covered her gently with the blanket and turned off the light near her crib. I grabbed my phone and texted an address and time to Grace and laid down on the bed, my head swimming with what I’d say to Libby when I finally got to see her.
I had so much to say.
I just needed her to listen.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
LIBBY
“You sure are quiet this morning,” Julia said, as I stood at the kitchen counter spreading butter on my toast. “Everything okay?”
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