by M.G. Marquez
CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN
GUJI
“What is the date today?”
I can’t help but smile. I’ve heard this question a thousand times from her, every single day. “June 18th, love.”
“What year?”
“2014,”
“Do you think Yvan will visit me now? Do you think he has forgiven me?”
“Probably,” I sat next to her wheelchair and waited for the break of dawn. She requested me to accompany her today. She said she wants to watch the sunrise with me. She asked me to almost every day.
She hasn’t seen the sunrise ever since.
“Did the sun shine now?”
I could see the sky turned purple to red, to orange. From the distance, I could see the golden disc slowly coming out. “It’s here,”
“How was it?”
“Greater than yesterday, I say. It’s brighter, fuller of life.” I turned to face her and watched how the sun rays painted her face, making her brighter. I placed a hand over hers and squeezed them. “Are you excited?”
I saw her lips curved into a huge smile I haven’t seen for days. “I am.”
I led her back to her room. Everybody’s excited today, even I who don’t get excited very often. We even decorated this room with balloons and sunflowers. There’s food for everybody, and we especially provided chocolates for her. No, it’s not yet her birthday. We’re celebrating a milestone in her life.
“I’ll take the bandages off now, okay?” Janella nodded as Dr. Chavez started taking the bandages off her eyes. It’s been three months since she woke up from coma, a month since she had her eye operation. Seeing the bandages fall down the bed is making me feel anxious. Did they make it?
I felt Fred holding my right arm, Klein on the left. I crossed my fingers.
“Open your eyes now, Janella.”
We waited until she opened them. She squinted and closed them shut at once, cursing. “Burns…”
“Burns? What’s burning in here –”
“Stop being so stupid, Fred. Her eyes might be burning in too much light,”
“Turn the lights off then!”
“Wow, great idea.” I rolled my eyes at him then shifted my focus on Janella, who’s been trying to see things around her. She keeps on covering, uncovering them that she looked almost funny. Well, she is funny.
“You can’t be serious,” she muttered under her breath. “I have never seen the lines on my palms so clear in this distance,” she extended her arms at full length. “Or my toes. Or the petals of the sunflowers at the other end of the room – Woooow! My eyes are really brand new! I love love love them – oh wait. Why are there sunflowers in my room?”
We all laughed at her. Nikki kept on elbowing me, while Fred pushed me ahead. I couldn’t get myself to look at her straight in the eye now. I know that they’re not hers to begin with. If I looked at them, it is as if I’m reliving the day I lost that person.
The scars are hurting anew.
“Well, uhm. We just want you to see beautiful things when you open your eyes again. Sunflowers are beautiful, right?”
“Beautiful, yes.”
I looked back at them and glared. When Klein got my mental message, he dragged them all out of the room. Dr. Chavez patted my back and told me she should get going. She reminded me not to exhaust Janella too much because her eyes were still adjusting. When Janella and I we’re the only ones left, I decided I should sit beside her and hold her hand between mine. I smiled at her, avoiding her eyes.
“You can close your eyes first if it hurts,”
“Not when I want to see you so bad,” she placed a finger under my chin and made me face her. I made sure I was looking past her. “You want to tell me something?”
“I love you,” and she smiled. “Anything else?”
I looked down and searched for the right words to say. When I can’t find any, I just reached for the bedside table and opened a drawer. I took out two CDs and gave them to her.
“What are these?”
“Isn’t it obvious? They’re CDs –”
“Don’t start me, BD.”
“Okay, okay! It’s a presentation we made for you. You missed a lot of things last year – your 18th birthday, our graduation, our anniversary. We documented every single event so you won’t be left out,”
“Oh, exciting.” I expected her to jump out of her bed, rush to the TV and play the CD. But she did not. She stayed beside me. “Anything more you want to say?”
“It depends on what you want to hear.”
“Where are my eyes from?”
I wasn’t surprised when she asked me that. I’ve been prepared for quite long time already for her questions. But when she asks about Yvan, I don’t answer her directly. I don’t want to give her a shock, especially when she’s still recovering from trauma.
“Guji?” Before giving her an answer, I took one CD from her. I jumped out of the bed and went straight to the TV. I put the CD on and in five seconds it played. When I went back to sit beside her, I whispered to her ears.
“You can hold my hand while it plays. I know it will be hard,”
“I know.”
The presentation started with stolen pictures of her when she’s still young. These pictures were taken at some random places, but they all showed happy faces of Janella at a distance. Even as a child, she’s too beautiful.
“The first time I saw you, you were playing by the dike.” Yvan started narrating, his voice still sounded like Yvan. “I was attracted by the little things you do. Every small movement, every curve of your skin beside your eyes when you smile, I was fascinated by them. That’s when I started taking stolen photos of you. When I started falling in love with you,”
I have watched this presentation ten times before this, and I’ve always wondered how she will react when she sees this. When I looked at her, she’s just pokerfaced.
“By the time I sent you this presentation, I have flown to States already. I’m going to study photography there. By the time I sent you this presentation, I have given up on you. But I still love you. You’re the best damn thing that ever happened to me. I love you present tense,”
Now we could see Yvan on screen, smiling and alive. Before this, I specifically played this part over and over to see him, to hear him. I would pause at 8:56 so that I could stare at him smiling at me. I do that every time things get hard on me, when I couldn’t take the blaming anymore.
The Retard Family, they hated me ever since I came into Yvan’s life and now that he’s gone, the hate was multiplied by three. They don’t want to see me anymore, never accepted my apology, my condolences. I did not attend his burial, never went to his wake. It’s hard. I feel like I’m in his coffin too, gasping for air, trying to escape. I couldn’t stand it.
“I want to let you know that I’m crying,” she said, sobbing. “My tears aren’t just flowing, I don’t know why.”
I wrapped my arms around her, cuddling her.
“This,” Yvan continued saying. “This will be the last song I’ll ever sing for you. I hope you appreciated the time I stayed by your side.”
“I do, Yvan. I really do.” I felt her trembling, her chest going up and down at such pace that worried me. She’s crying, but no tear ever shed. “He’s gone, isn’t he? He’s gone. Tell me the truth, Guji.”
Half-heartedly, I nodded. “He saved me. He saved you. He left a message for you before he left – to take care of his eyes for him. That he wants to see the world with you, too.”
She buried her head on my chest, screaming. She’s screaming the words “I’m sorry, Yvan” over and over again, while I tried to be strong for her.
Lift your head, baby don’t be scared
Of the things that could go wrong along the way
You’ll get by with a smile
You can’t win at everything, but you can try
Baby you don’t have to worry,
‘Cause there ain’t no need to hurry
No one ever said tha
t there’s no easy way
When they’re closing all their doors
And they don’t want you anymore
This sounds funny but I’ll say it anyway
Girl, I’ll stay through the bad times,
Even if I have to fetch you everyday
I’ll get by with a smile
You can never be too happy in this life
In a world where everybody hates a happy ending story
It’s a wonder love can make the world go ‘round
And don’t let it bring you down
And turn your face into a frown
You’ll get along with a little prayer and a song
She fell asleep on my chest. I lulled her to sleep because she’s getting more restless by the hour. When she woke up the next day, she was unbearable. She was even more unbearable the day after. She refuses to eat, throws everything on the floor, and gets mad easily. On some days she’s quiet and obedient.
I did everything I can to please her, to cope up with her moods. Her doctor told me she’s having a hard time controlling her emotions because of too much depression and trauma. I barely left her side.
One Saturday she asked me if she could see my dad. I told her no, she can’t. The both of them can’t see each other yet because they’re both devastated, emotionally unstable. If Janella can’t cope up with the pain just yet, Dad’s even worse. He saw everything that night, blamed himself for all of it, and attempted to kill himself too many times.
Like father, like son.
“Hey Guji, your psychologist called me yesterday and told me you should see him immediately. You’re not meeting him lately, he said.” Klein sat next to me, handing me a glass of orange juice. “You don’t need him anymore?”
“I think I’m okay,”
“Well, that’s good to hear.” We sat in silence and watched Janella sleep. He let out a laugh. “She’s a miracle, isn’t she?”
“God knows a lot of games, rewards too.” I stood up when I saw her woke up. She asked for water and I gave her immediately. When she saw Klein, she waved.
“How are you feeling buddy?” Klein asked.
“Tired,”
“I wonder why.” He smiled and sat on the other side of the bed. I glared at him because he’s actually crossing her personal space which by self-proclamation is my personal space too. “Why don’t you try to let go and be happy like how you’ve been before? Guji’s doing great for instance,”
She looked at me. “Don’t you get tired of me?”
I laughed at her. “I never get tired of you.”
Klein stood up and told me he should get going. He patted my back before he left and told me something about Jason. “He’s waiting outside by the way. He wants to talk to you,”
Just by hearing his name makes my blood boil. I kept both of hands on my pockets to restrain myself from hurting him. I’m past that phase already. I’m a changed man. I don’t hurt people physically anymore.
“I came back to tell you I’m sorry.” He started.
“Sorry? Where will your sorry take me to? That won’t patch-up the things you destroyed.”
“I was just hoping –”
“Man, I trusted you. And you broke my trust beautifully.” I decided I should get inside and leave him standing there, but I stopped for a while, grabbed his collar and pushed him to the wall. He choked. I don’t hurt people physically anymore, just this once. “I’m warning you. I don’t want to see your ass around my territory again, you hear me?”
I let him go when I saw him already dying for air. “Just one question…” he asked me, coughing.
“What is it?”
He looked up to me. “How is she?”
“You don’t have the right to know. Go home.” Before I could hurt you.
I am no God not to forgive. But I am human and I am limited. I could not forgive people who refuse to give forgiveness to others, especially when they have crossed my line too far. I could not forgive someone like Jason.
Grandma’s overseeing my training at the company South Bound, since Dad wasn’t around anymore. She’s preparing me for something big, she said. While I’m at it, I find time to attend mass and be a part of a Religious circle. It helped me managed my anger and learned how to be grateful for everything that has happened, both good and bad.
I barely go home, actually. I spend my time mostly at the hospital, or the company. The gang visited often and kept Janella happy every time. Her sister Janine was one of the doctors who were assigned to her and that made her extra happy.
One day, Janine walked up to me, handing me a cup of coffee.
“She told me you were gay,” we both laughed. “Turned out, you are her secret boyfriend. And so far, you’re doing great at it.”
“Thanks. But I’m sorry this happened –”
“Don’t be. If this didn’t happen, I still think that you’re gay.” She turned her back on me and started walking ahead. She stopped for a while and said, “Thank God she’s alive, because if she died, I swear I’ll kill you.”
“Don’t sweat. I’ll do it myself,”
She turned around and gave me a wink. “I’d love to have you as my brother-in-law, been meaning to tell you.”
I will be, I mentally replied.
I went back to her room and sat beside her, watching her sleep. When her eyes flipped open, I smiled at her. She sat up and grabbed a pillow to hug.
“Remember the time when I asked you why do you live?” I asked her. She nodded. “Is your answer still the same?”
“Is your answer still the same?”
I shook my head, and reached for her hand. “I only live because you live. When you die, I die with you. You are my life supply, Janella. Your end will be my end.” She smiled. “How about you? Why do you live?”
She looked outside first before answering me. “Now, I have the will. I live because I wake up with you. Not just because my body wakes up, but because I wanted it to. That night, I struggled just to wake up. I want to see you. I want to feel you. I want to be with you longer. And it’s worth it. All of the struggles, the pain – they’re worth it. Thank you for waiting for me. Thank you for being the first person I saw after the days of darkness. Thank you,”
“Have I told you I love you?” She laughed, shaking her head. “I love you, Janella.”
I hugged her, careful not to break her apart.