Laughter on the TV gets my attention, and I look up long enough to catch up on the show I’m watching. I watch longer than I intend to, and when I look back at the computer screen, I see the words: Connection lost. Paul has left the chat.
With a huff, I slam the computer closed, and Noodle jumps awake at my side.
“I’m sorry, boy,” I say, rubbing his head when he closes the distance between us. I set the laptop back onto the coffee table and pull Noodle into my lap. I absentmindedly pet him while watching TV and sipping my wine.
“I wish you were the only man I needed, Noodle.”
He looks up at me with his big, crystal-blue eyes and lets out a whimper.
I laugh. “I know, I’m pathetic. Let’s go outside before bed, huh?”
With the magic word, he jumps off my lap and heads for the door. I open it, and he trots out across the lawn to do his business. I sit on the front step, gazing off into the darkness. My life certainly hasn’t turned out the way I pictured it. Back when I was in high school and head over heels in love with Memphis, I thought I knew how my life would turn out. I saw us getting married the moment we graduated high school. I thought we’d get right to work on building our home and starting a family. He’d work with his dad at his garage, eventually moving up to management and then owner when his father retired. I saw myself as a stay-at-home mom, taking care of the family and doing some online classes to maybe start up a business of my own. I thought we’d grow old together, watching as our children grew and moved out for bigger and better things. I shake my head at myself. Who thinks that way when they’re seventeen? That’s how in love with Memphis I was. College was never top priority for me. Neither was moving out of this small town I was born and raised in. I never dreamt of escaping, but apparently, Memphis did, and that’s exactly what he did the moment he graduated high school. He took the only thing I had left to offer, and he ran off with it, shattering my heart into a million tiny pieces.
Noodle is back and pulling me from my thoughts. “You ready to go to bed, boy?”
He doesn’t bark, but I see the little brown spots above his eyes lift up as a reply.
“Okay, let’s go.” I stand up and open the door, watching as he runs inside. I lock the door behind me and then quickly turn off the lights and TV in the living room before heading to my bedroom, where Noodle is already in bed, waiting for me.
I laugh as he tries crawling his way beneath the blankets. I pull down the comforter and slide under it. Noodle nuzzles down in bed, against my side. Even though it’s going on eleven and I have to work in the morning, I’m not sleepy. I grab my phone off the bedside table and pull up Facebook. Like a cruel prank I play on myself, I pull up Memphis’ page and scroll through for any updates.
There’s a picture of him sitting on the beach with a beautiful girl on either side of him. In the background is the water and setting sun. The post reads: Goodbye Florida. See ya next time, old friend.
I wonder where he’s jetting off to now. I don’t have time to focus on that because the look on his face steals the air from my lungs and has my heart doubling its pace. His big green eyes sparkle, the setting sun shining in them. They hold so many memories and feelings. I remember looking into those eyes and feeling like I was the only thing in the world that mattered to him. His lips are tipped upward in the corners, giving him just the hint of a smile. His shapely jaw is covered in a light scruff, not enough to be a beard, but just enough to make him look dangerous and sexy, and his dirty blond hair is cut so short, it’s standing straight up despite the water beaded up on his face and chest. I can still feel his rough, calloused hands on my body when we’d get a little carried away in the back of his fathers garage. I can still taste his lips on mine. I can still smell his scent on this old T-shirt I still wear that used to be his.
If Pearl knew that I still had this shirt, let alone still wear it, I know she’d be planning a bon fire, and it’d be the first thing to get thrown in. I pull the collar of the shirt up over my nose and breathe in deep. It’s been worn and washed many, many times over the years, but that part of my brain that’s still in love with him can still smell him on the thin material. I think back to the day he tossed me this shirt.
We’d been playing around by the pool. We were laughing and joking around as he lunged for me, wrapping his strong arms around me. He pulled me against him to tickle my sides. I jumped away and fell right into the pool. When I broke the surface, I couldn’t even be mad. He was standing there, eyes full of tears from laughing so hard. His smile was breathtaking. He pulled me out of the pool and took me into the house to dry off. He insisted on drying my clothes and gave me this T-shirt to wear while I waited. When my clothes were dry, I refused to give it back. I loved the way the soft fabric felt against my skin. But most of all, I loved being surrounded in his scent.
When he drove me home that night, I matter-of-factly told him the shirt was payback for making me fall in the pool, and he didn’t bother to argue. Instead, he placed his hand under my chin and pulled me closer for a kiss, whispering something about how he liked the way it looked on me.
A sigh escapes my lips when I relive that memory. A place in my chest sends a sharp pain through me, reminding myself of just how broken I really am. No wonder I can’t fall in love with anyone in this town. Deep down, I know that he’s the only one who can put all my broken pieces together, but I’m determined to find a way around it. He’s long gone and doesn’t look to be missing me in the slightest.
I drop the phone back onto my table and turn off the light, sinking down into my bed. Noodle crawls up until I can wrap my arm around him. I pull him to my chest as I lie on my side, dreaming of the day that I get to meet Paul, the only person who’s willing to try and save me from my past.
Two
Memphis
“I’m so glad you’re home,” Mom gushes as she pulls me in for a hug the second I walk through the door.
I hug her close. “Me too, Ma.” I kiss the top of her head before she pulls away.
“Come on in here and sit down. Let me make you something to eat,” she insists, dragging me into the kitchen and pushing me down into a chair in the kitchen.
“Where’s Dad?” I ask, fiddling around with the place mat on the glass table.
“You know your father. It’s Thursday night.”
“The Place,” we both say at the same time and laugh.
“They’ve got dollar beer on Thursday nights. He’ll sit there, drink his fair share of beer, and put away a bucket of wings. Then he’ll stumble home three sheets to the wind.” She rolls her eyes before topping my sandwich with the second slice of bread.
She brings the plate over to the table and sets it down in front of me before moving to the fridge and grabbing me a bottle of water. She sits at in the empty chair to my side. “So, tell me what’s going on in your life.”
I shrug as I pick up my sandwich and take a bite. “Not much of anything, I guess,” I say around a mouthful. “Just been taking it easy and trying to find my place in life now that I’m out, you know?”
She nods. “Well, if you need something to help pass the time, I know your father can use an extra set of hands at the garage.”
“What happened to Greg? I thought he’d been helping out?”
“He did, well, does when it fits into his schedule. But he needs someone to be there day in and day out instead of rushing back to the garage at all hours of the day and night to receive a late delivery. Plus, he’s getting old, honey. You know it’s always been his dream to see you take over the place. And I know you have dreams of your own, but deep down, I think your father has only kept the place to wait for your return. He didn’t want to sell it while you were away and then have you return to nothing.”
I nod at her words as I chew my sandwich and think about the possibility of returning to the shop, the place I escaped almost ten years ago.
“I see Jade from time to time,” she says, pulling me from my thoughts.
&
nbsp; My eyes leap up and lock on hers. “She’s still around here?” I ask, knowing damn well that she is. I haven’t been able to stop myself from Googling her over the years, wondering if she got the love she always deserved. I expected to see her married with a few kids by now, maybe even a white picket fence.
Mom smiles. “She is. She’s working at Doc Marshall’s. We always chat when I take Butter in and we run into each other here and there at the market.”
I look down at the mini Aussie at my feet, sleeping away. When I saw that Jade had posted about the mini Aussies being sold in town, I sent a screenshot to my mom, who had also been looking for a pet. She went the same day and picked out Butter. She and Jade settled on their names together…without me.
“She always asks about you, you know?” she adds.
“Mom, Jade and I…”
“She still loves you. I can see it in her eyes every time we run into one another. Why you left that girl the way you did, I’ll never understand.” She shakes her head.
I take a deep breath. “You know the reason, Mom. And please don’t bring me up to her again. She deserves to move on and find a man who will treat her right. She’s always deserved more than I could offer.”
“Memphis Andrew Styles,” Mom chastises. “I don’t know why you can see yourself the way I see you. You’re a catch, and you’re good looking. Any woman would be proud to have you on her arm.” She stands up and pushes in her chair. “And just for the record,” she levels her eyes on me, “I don’t bring you up. She does. What do you think that means, Mr. Know-It-All?” She turns and walks out of the kitchen, down the hall, and to her room. I hear the soft click of the door closing between us.
Fuck. Has Jade been waiting on me all this time? There has to be a reason she hasn’t moved on, right? Surely, she can’t still love me, not after all these years, not after the way I took her virginity and left her without a goodbye or even an explanation. At the time, it seemed like the best choice I could’ve made. I knew saying goodbye would be too hard on both of us, but I knew it was something I had to do. I had to see what else was out there. I had to find myself and try escaping the life I knew was expected of me, a life where I would have simply taken over my father’s garage. I never would have escaped this town. I never would have seen what else the world had to offer. And telling her goodbye, that would’ve killed me. I would’ve died having to watch the tears fall from her eyes. Just thinking about it feels like a knife to the gut. But my biggest reason for leaving the way I did: I didn’t want to give her the chance to talk me out of it. I didn’t want to risk the chance of backing out. I knew what I had to do, and I did it, ignoring the explosion I knew would go off the second she realized I was gone. This way, things were just easier, cleaner. I know it makes me a dick, but it was the only way that made sense to me at the time. I was just an eighteen-year-old kid who felt like his whole life had already been planned out.
I finish my sandwich and put the plate in the dishwasher before starting it and heading back to my old room. I’ve been gone for nearly ten years, but I’ve come home for a visit or two here and there. I was always careful. I never wanted to run into her or anyone who would tell her I was in town. I laid low, just hanging out at home or in the garage with my family. So, while it hasn’t been ten years since I’ve been in my room, it has been nearly that long since I actually looked at this room.
I’m standing in front of my dresser, putting away my clothes, when a framed picture catches my eye. I pick it up and look closer. It’s a picture Mom had taken from the football stands. We’d just won the big game and Jade rushed into my arms. I had just taken off my football helmet, and my hair and face were covered in dirt and sweat. But she didn’t care. She jumped into my arms and I caught her, pulling her against me for a long, lip-crushing kiss. At the time, I had no idea the moment was being captured, but looking at this picture makes me happy that it was. Just seeing this picture of us kissing has my heart racing. My lips tingle the way they always did when I was lucky enough to have them on her. My stomach muscles tighten as the intense yearning to go find her takes over.
I shake my head, clearing the thoughts. I can’t go find her. I won’t allow it. I’ve caused her enough pain. I don’t know how long the two of us can live in the same small town without bumping into one another, but I do know that I won’t force myself back into her life. I can at least give her that much.
When I get to the bottom drawer of my dresser, I find that it’s still packed full of my old clothes, things I haven’t seen since high school. I sit on the floor and dig through it all, holding up shirt after shirt. I bought most of them as donations for the school: my football camp T-shirt, sock hop shirt, graduating class shirt, spring fling. Then I get to the last thing in the drawer. It’s the suit I wore to prom. I remember when I took it off. I was so annoyed, I buried it, never wanting to see it again. Prom was amazing and I had the time of my life, especially the time I spent with Jade. But I had been planning on breaking the news to her about me leaving. I chickened out, though, and instead took the one thing I could never give back: her virginity.
I woke up that next morning so pissed at myself that I wanted to forget that it even happened. I wanted to forget, but I never did. I stuffed it down in this drawer in hopes of never remembering the way she made me feel.
I pull out the shirt and toss it into the pile of clothes to throw out. The jacket is next. It still has the blue flower pinned to the lapel. I take off the flower and place it on the dresser, then I throw the jacket behind me. I pick up the dress pants, and something falls out of the pocket. I toss the pants onto the stack and pick up the small piece of lace that fell from the pocket. I hold it out, finding the pair of panties that Jade had been wearing that night.
They’re black and completely see through. I remember the way I felt when I got a full view of her in these. Her alabaster skin was practically glowing in comparison to her jet-black panties. I remember kissing my way up her thigh, then pulling these off and tossing them onto the floor to finally reveal all of her. Just the memory has my dick hardening and straining against the zipper of my jeans.
I wad up the panties and turn to throw them into the discard pile, but my hand won’t release them. This is all I have left of her. This, a few pictures…and all these memories. Instead of throwing them away, I stuff them into my top desk drawer, wanting to hold onto this piece of her a little while longer.
Three
Jade
A week has passed, and I’m slightly annoyed by the fact that I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to Paul. We have an outstanding online date: every night at eight o’clock, we both log on no matter what we’re doing. He hasn’t signed in all week, and a part of me is left wondering if he’s tired of me already. Even though I don’t know if he’s real, I feel like I’ve lost a friend. I pull out my phone and look at the picture he sent me. His dark hair is styled perfectly and combed neatly to the side. His blue eyes are striking against his tanned skin. And in this shirtless pic, his muscles ripple. It makes me wonder how a man that looks this good isn’t already tied down, which only makes me worry more that what we have isn’t real.
“How’s it going?” Pearl asks, sliding into the booth on the opposite side of the table.
I pick up my beer and take a drink. “Good, I guess. How are things with you?”
She smiles wide, and it warms my heart to see her this way, finally happy and in love, with a bright future ahead of her. “Really good. Blake…he’s better than I ever could’ve imagined. He’s always surprising me with these little romantic gestures, you know?”
I nod as I feel my forced smile begin to fall.
“How are things with you and… Paul, is it?” She frowns at trying to remember a name to a man she’s never met.
“Things are good. We’re still talking every night. Well, every night that he has internet connection.”
“Have you guys Facetimed yet?”
I shake my head. “He doesn’t have a str
ong enough connection. The few times we’ve tried, it was so grainy and cut out so often that we had to end it.”
She presses her lips together tightly. I can tell that she’s holding something back.
I tilt my head to the side. “What? I can tell you want to say something. Just come out with it already.”
She takes a deep breath. “It’s just that…”
“Yeah?”
“Well, it’s just that I hate seeing you this way, Jade. I mean, why don’t you start dating some guys from around town, a guy you can actually see, and touch, and be with? What if this is just some middle-aged man sitting in his mom’s basement fucking with you?”
I get where she’s coming from. Nothing she’s said is new to me. I’ve thought of it all already, but it strikes a nerve with me tonight. I’ve already had a shitty week with Paul’s absence. I don’t need her doubts and fears right now. I just need to hear someone say that he is real, that he does have feelings for me, and that everything will work out.
I scoff. “How many times do I have to tell you, Pearl? He’s real. He is. I mean, look at all these pictures he’s sent me.” I pick up my phone and start scrolling through our conversation to show her the pictures.
“Jay, anyone can steal pictures off the internet. Find a real guy! A real man would get you over that Memphis heartbreak in no time.” She grabs a French fry and dips it in ketchup before eating it.
My eyes snap up to her. “Who says I’m still heartbroken over Memphis? I mean, God, Pearl. That was almost ten years ago. If you think I’m still hanging onto that asshole, you’re dead wrong.”
She smooths over her features. “Am I though?” she asks, lowering her voice.
“Yes! Memphis and I…that was so long ago, and we were practically children. It wasn’t real. It was two kids pretending. What I have with Paul is more real than that crazy fantasy.” I lift my beer and take a drink, needing to cool off a minute. I don’t want to fight with Pearl. She’s basically the only friend I have. “I know you’re concerned, okay? But there is no reason to be. Paul’s real.”
Grand Lake Colorado Series: A Complete Small Town Contemporary Romance Collection Page 10