Grand Lake Colorado Series: A Complete Small Town Contemporary Romance Collection

by Alexis Winter

  Violet straightens from hugging Margo, and she offers me a weak smile. “Hey,” she breathes out.

  “Hi,” I say, forcing the words out through my teeth. I’m sure she probably thinks I’m angry with her, but really, I’m angry with myself for wanting her as badly as I do. Why can’t I ever stick to what I agree on when it comes to her? Anything else and there’s never a problem, but with her, I want her, and that’s all that matters. I’m pathetic.

  “Come on, Violet, let’s go play until the pizza gets here,” Margo says, pulling her into the living room and up the stairs. Violet follows without argument. As she’s walking up the stairs, she turns and looks back at me, her eyes finding mine, and I can’t help but to see the expression on her face. It looks pleading, almost like she’s silently asking me for something.

  But what?

  She couldn’t possibly be feeling the same way I am, could she? Does she want me as badly as I want her? Does she know how much pain she’s been able to take away from me, just by being here? I doubt it. She doesn’t know anything because I haven’t told her.

  Why haven’t I told her? She needs to know all of me, but can I allow that to happen? I haven’t opened up to anyone since Kate. There it is…Kate. Again. She was always my strength before. Why is it that she’s now holding me back? Am I strong enough to push her away, to reach out and take what I really want?

  Nine

  Violet

  I thought I was strong enough to come back here. I thought that I was strong enough to resist the way I feel about him. But coming back here has proved one thing. I’m not strong enough for anything. Just walking through those doors told me that. The first thing I wanted to do was walk up to him and kiss him, kiss him until I am dizzy and can’t breathe. I want to drag him back upstairs and push him back onto his bed. I want to feel his body pressed against mine. I want to never leave.

  I know, I know. That can’t happen. For one, we don’t know one another very well yet. If we jump into any kind of sexual relationship, Margo could get hurt when things end badly. And two, he’s still very hurt by his wife’s passing. I’m not a savior. I can’t save him from himself. And three, well, now I suddenly can’t remember. Before I got here, I could’ve given you ten reasons why Carson and I aren’t a good idea. But now that I’m here, I can only think of the two that are right in front of my face. Her picture is still on the mantel, and their daughter is clinging to my hand like I’m her best friend in the world.

  Margo and I play tea party until Carson yells up and tells us that the pizza is here. The two of us head down the stairs, finding the kitchen table covered in food.

  “Would you like a beer?” Carson asks.

  “Sure,” I agree, willing to take the sharp edge of this pointed knife in any way that I can. Maybe it will help me to relax and think more clearly for our discussion later. The table is already set. While Carson gets us all a drink, I help Margo fix her plate. She asks for one slice of cheese pizza and one piece of cheesy bread with sauce.

  Once her plate is fixed and she’s digging in, I grab myself a piece of pizza with everything, a chicken wing, and a piece of cheesy bread. I cut off a small bite of chicken and pop it into my mouth. The warmth of the sauce hits me, but Carson is handing over my cold beer just in time.

  “I hope you like this pizza place,” he says, sitting next to me. “We haven’t tried it yet.”

  I nod. “It’s the only place in town, but it’s good.” I swallow my food and take a bite of pizza.

  Over dinner, the three of us eat and talk and laugh. For a moment, I almost forgot why I’m here and just enjoy being here and being around a father and his little girl. Their relationship is the cutest. He’s a great dad, and she’s the sweetest little girl I’ve ever met.

  After dinner, Margo wants to go outside and play on the beach, so I take her while Carson cleans up the kitchen. We play and splash in the water on the shore, we play in the sand, building a lame excuse for a sandcastle, and then we race to the door when Carson calls her inside for a bath.

  “I’m going to throw her in the tub and put her to bed. Can you wait?” Carson asks.

  “Yeah, sure.”

  “Okay, good,” he says with a smile.

  The two of them disappear into the house, and I take a seat on the deck chair, looking out at the lake. The sun is going down for the day, and it offers the perfect view. I grab and sip another beer while I watch it, enjoying the sounds of the birds and the crickets chirping.

  It feels like at least an hour has passed. The sun is no longer visible in the sky, leaving me in darkness, with only a little light on the porch filtering out front the glass windows. The door opens and Carson steps out. He takes the empty chair next to me. He has a beer in his hand, and he takes a drink as he thinks over what he wants to say.

  “Thanks for inviting me to dinner. It was fun, and I think Margo really enjoyed it.”

  He flashes a weak smile and nods. “She really did. You’re her best friend.”

  I shrug. “Only for a couple more months. Then she’ll be starting school and making friends her own age. I’ll cherish the moments I get with her.”

  “I’m glad to hear you say that, because to me, she’s what’s most important here.”

  “I totally agree.”

  He waits a moment then says, “So, we’re on the same page then? That what happened last time shouldn’t have ever happened?”

  “We’re in agreement, Carson,” I tell him but feel a pain in my chest as I say the words. “I mean, I had a great time, and I’d love to do it again and again, but Margo is what’s important. We need to do what’s best for her, right?” I look over at him and he’s staring at me.

  “Right,” he says, but he sounds as unsure as I do.

  “But…” I start, I don’t know what words are going to come out of my mouth or even how to stop them. I think it’s too late. “One more time can’t hurt much, right?”

  His eyes light up with a hot fire. “I don’t see how it could,” he says, lost in the same desires that I am. We both stand up at the same time and then we’re crashing into one another. His lips are on mine, and my arms are wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer. His hands land on the small of my back, moving up my shirt. Suddenly, they fall down to my ass, and he picks me up against him, carrying me into the house. We kiss as he takes the stairs two at a time. He kicks open his bedroom door and then I’m lying across the bed.

  He rips his shirt over his head and then his body is on mine, his hot skin nearly burning me as he works to remove the clothing between us. Without warning, he thrusts into me, and I’m filled unbelievable full. We both let out a relieved moan at the sensation.

  “Fuck, Violet,” he whispers against my skin. “You’re so perfect. You feel too good to stay away from.”

  I lace my fingers into his hair and tug his mouth back to mine. This moment is already perfect. I don’t need his words too. No, I don’t want his words. Hearing how much he adores me will only make letting go that much harder.

  When I explode beneath him, he works me over until the very last wave has washed over me, then he pulls out, flips me over, and enters me from behind. The added pressure is almost too much to take, and I want to erupt all over again instantly. He keeps his hands on my hips, pulling me back into his powerful thrusts. With each one, he lets out a soft, hushed moan. It only takes us minutes in this position before we’re both falling to pieces.

  He collapses at my side on the bed, out of breath. His breathing is almost as fast as my heart is beating. This time, I don’t feel that awkwardness. The room doesn’t feel too small or like I have a thousand eyes on me. I feel like I’m alone with him, not being judged.

  I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Do you want me to leave?” I ask, hoping he’s feeling as comfortable as I am this time.

  “What? No, I don’t want you to leave. I mean, if you need to, I’ll understand, but don’t leave because of me. I like having you here.” He pulls me
closer, and I lay my head on his chest.

  There’s a long drawn out silence as we both take in the moment. “Tell me something,” he says.

  “Hmm?”

  “How is it that you haven’t gotten with someone in town yet? How are you still single?”

  I giggle. “In a town this small, everyone knows everyone’s business. If I would’ve gotten with someone, everyone would know about it. Everyone would know when we have sex, when we fight, and all the gory details of the break-up. I’ve just always wanted to avoid that.”

  “What about me? I live in this town now.”

  “Yes, but you’re different. You’re not going to run and tell everyone the things we do. You want just as much privacy in your life as I do. Plus, you used your adorable daughter against me. She hooked me and you reeled me in,” I joke.

  “It wasn’t my intention.” I can hear the amusement in his voice.

  I turn my head so I can look up at his face in the darkness. “What was your intention?”

  He shrugs one shoulder. “I guess nothing. I was fine being lonely and miserable. But it was like the moment I stopped looking for happiness, it found me.”

  “After your wife passed, you gave up on ever being happy again?” I ask, trying to understand his mindset.

  “Basically,” he agrees. “I didn’t think I deserved to be happy, not when she was gone.”

  “What happened?” I ask, and I hope he understands what that means. I’m asking what happened to his wife, without using the words to avoid causing him to feel more pain.

  “I used to be a lawyer, and I worked eighty hours a week. As you can probably imagine, with a workload that heavy, it didn’t leave much time for anything else. I barely had time to eat and sleep, let alone, spend time with my wife and daughter.

  “So one day, she caught me off guard and made me promise her a night out. We agreed to get a babysitter and go out for dinner, but I made it very clear that I didn’t want to go dancing or out drinking with friends. I was exhausted, and I only wanted dinner and then to go home to catch up on some sleep. I was so tired. I never should have let myself get that tired.

  “Anyway, we went out for dinner and Kate had a couple glasses of wine. She was so happy, she practically glowed. She was excited to be out of the house, spending some alone time with me. Dinner went wonderfully and then we loaded back up into the car for the ride home. But Kate wasn’t ready to go back home. I think she was trying to seduce me into staying out with her a little longer. She took off her seatbelt and leaned in toward me. She was just being fun and playful, kissing my neck and nipping my ear. I was so tired and distracted by what she was doing that I didn’t see a car run a red light. He hit us, T-boned us. He drove right into her door going what the police think was about fifty miles per hour. The speed limit was twenty-five in that section of town.

  “I tried to swerve at the last second, which ultimately made the crash worse. The sudden jerk and then the hit, it flipped the car over on its hood. I hit my head and was knocked out. When I came to, all I could see was her lying on the roof of the car, broken and twisted up in these horrifying positions. She was covered in blood and couldn’t breathe.

  “Anyway, I’ve always sort of blamed myself. If I hadn’t been so tired, I could’ve avoided the crash. Or if I had told her I was too tired to go, I would’ve been in trouble for backing out, but at least she’d still be alive.”

  I reach up, cupping his jaw. “It wasn’t your fault, Carson.”

  “Yeah, I know,” he says, but it doesn’t sound like he believes it.

  “Really, Carson. You can’t be in control of everything. Some things in life just happen. We just have to learn how to go with the flow and let go when it’s time.”

  “Yeah, easier said than done,” he mumbles, sitting up and pulling on his clothes.

  I take a deep breath, then do the same. He’s probably feeling too exposed right now, being naked with me, a woman who isn’t his wife, and talking about his feelings. But this side of him is a side I hadn’t seen before. I see how broken he is, how much pain he’s in. What’s happening between us isn’t because he has feelings for me. What’s happening between us is just physical for him. He’s not recovering from his wife’s passing. He’s just masking the pain with something else, with me. I know if we continue going down this path, it’s only a matter of time before we all end up hurt, Margo included. And she’s the last person I want to hurt in all of this.

  I stand up and pull my clothes back on, and he walks over to the door and flips on the light. In the bright, harsh light, I can see all his pain and worry on his face, making each line and crease seem that much more prominent.

  “Carson,” I say, sitting down to put my shoes on. He looks over at me but doesn’t speak. “I’m afraid we’re moving a little fast for you. I think you know it, too, but you’re…I don’t know, too afraid of saying in for fear of hurting my feelings for something.”

  He doesn’t respond. That tells me that I’m right.

  “I feel like if we keep this up, someone will get hurt. I’ll either fall in love with you, a man who’s unavailable because he’s holding onto the past, or you’ll freak out when you realize that I’ve distracted you from thinking about your wife. And the last person I want to hurt in this is Margo. She doesn’t deserve that. And I don’t want to hurt you either. You’ve been through enough. So, I won’t be coming back here. This thing we’ve started, I’m ending it.” I stand up and turn to face him directly. “I think it’s best for all of us.”

  He grinds his teeth together, causing his jaw to flex, and he nods.

  “I’m sorry for everything, and please feel free to bring Margo to see me at the bakery. You’ll always be welcome there. But I can’t keep doing this when you’re still so in love with your wife. When you heal, come find me. Maybe it won’t be too late.”

  I reach forward and cup my hand around his jaw. His eyes level on me, and for the first time, I see all the pain and suffering he’s going through right now. He gives into my touch a little, tilting his head to press his cheek more firmly into my hand. Without another word, I let my hand fall back to my side. I try to offer him a small smile, but I’m afraid that the only thing that I can pull off is a sad one. I walk out of the bedroom, down the stairs, and out the front door for the last time.

  I make it to my car before the tears start to fall. How can I be this upset already? Carson and I, we weren’t dating. We never talked about dating or the future we could have. We’ve only slept together twice, but each time, it felt more and more right. Now I feel like the future I thought I was going to have has been pulled out from under me like the rug I was standing on. I hope this feeling passes quickly. I don’t know how to get over someone I never truly had.

  Ten

  Carson

  She’s one-hundred-percent right, and I can’t stop her from walking away. The truth is, I’ve been using her, and I can’t blame her for not wanting to be used. I’m in no way ready to let go of my past and my wife, and until I can do that, I can’t give myself to anyone. It doesn’t matter that I think she’s beautiful, nice, and a good person. It doesn’t matter that Margo loves her like a mother figure. What matters is that I can’t treat her the way she wants to be treated. She wants to mean something to me, and I can’t feel anything for her. Not yet. Not when Kate is still taking up my whole heart.

  I have to figure out a way to let her go, to heal, to be more than I am. Not only for Violet, but for myself and my daughter. Margo doesn’t know any different right now, but soon, she’ll grown up, and when she looks at me, I don’t want her seeing a lost and lonely man staring back at her. Moving here was the first step at moving on with my life. I guess it’s time for me to start working on the rest of those steps.

  I don’t know how to let her go, though. I wish I knew how. It would make this process a lot easier. How do I live through a day without thinking of her? Even when I’m in the garage and keeping myself busy with work, she’s still in
the back of my mind. I remember things we did or said in the past, or I just sit with her inside of my head, imagining a conversation that we would be having if she were still here. I guess that isn’t completely healthy. It keeps her alive in ways I shouldn’t. She’s gone, and I need to force myself to believe it.

  Time passes by slowly, too slowly as it always does when you’re working on something. In my case, it’s myself. Each day, I put forth an effort to think of Kate a little less. Each day, it gets easier and easier, although not by much. Time also passes slowly because I haven’t been man enough to show my face around Violet again, and Margo is not letting me off the hook. It’s been three weeks, and she still asks to go see her every day. But I can’t. Not yet. Not until I get my shit under control.

  I made the decision to put Margo into the daycare here in town. This lets her meet some friends her age, and it keeps her out of the garage so I can work. It also gives her something to look forward to every day. As she makes new friends, she mentions Violet less and less but never forgets her completely. She says things like, “My friend Violet,” or “Remember when we’d go get those yummy donuts and you would talk to Violet?”

  She doesn’t understand why we can’t go see her, and I can’t tell her why. I wish I could’ve kept myself in check with her, but I slipped up and let her in before I was ready. The thing that stands out the most to me, though, is how all those hours I’d spent thinking of Kate before are now spent thinking about Violet. I remember the nights we had together, and I miss her company. I miss her laugh and nervous smiles. I miss feeling how hot and tight she always was when she welcomed me into her body.