That was what I told Ben when he came over Sunday for pizza night.
He disagreed with me, however. And thought I was an ass.
We’d planted ourselves down in my sitting room for the usual fest. Pizza, cookie dough ice cream, and beer.
He sat before me in the armchair shaking his head and giving me that pensive stare I hated because it meant he wasn’t going to be of any use to me. He was supposed to agree that I’d been an ass to kiss Paige and put my career on the line, not an ass to take charge of myself before I did worse than just kiss her.
“Ben, for the love of God, tell me you see my point.” I sat forward in my chair.
“No, you won’t do that thing where you talk all sorts of shit to me so I agree.” He continued shaking his head and a lock of his light blond hair fell forward and hung over his left eye.
I frowned. “I’m not doing that. You know my situation Ben.”
“Ryan, the way I see it is this…if you didn’t like this woman we wouldn’t be talking about her right now. If you didn’t like this woman on some level before the kiss, you wouldn’t have agreed to help her the way you have. If you didn’t like this woman on some level then you wouldn’t have messaged me that first night you met to tell me what happened to you. You like her and this, my friend, is the thing I cautioned you about when you told me about the ultimatum.”
Ben said all that the way he would argue a case in court. Ben was a criminal defense attorney and I’d pitied the fool who thought they could cross him because what he did was point out the obvious and twist you up in the truth in a way that left you unable to speak anything but the truth.
I rolled my eyes at him and frowned. “You asshole. Couldn’t you just agree with me this once?”
When Dad gave me the ultimatum Ben said it was unfair. Sure, punish me and yes, tell me that if I didn’t shape up I’d be shipped out. What he had a problem with was the whole part about me staying away from all women associated with St. Michael’s.
They were all essentially off limits to me and the crux of the whole ultimatum was that if Dad even got the slightest suspicion that I was seeing somebody there, he’d fire me.
I didn’t have to do anything else. Even setting the building on fire would elicit more compassion than being seen with a woman. I never thought it would be a problem, until now. It wasn’t like I had problems meeting new women outside the hospital, so I brushed it off.
“Ryan, we’re grown men. We’re thirty years old and no one has the right to law down such a law on you. Not even your father who—forgive me—on occasion thinks he’s God. He isn’t. He absolutely isn’t. This might just be one woman and you might feel different about her in a day, or a week, or a month, but the problem is still there. You can’t just turn off your feelings to someone you’re attracted to. We’re attracted for a reason.”
This would be the part where I’d tease him about his girl. Amanda thought she was a witch. She was always coming up with all manner of things that confused the shit out of me. But Ben liked her. They’d been together for two years and when I saw she wasn’t going anywhere I stopped with the major teasing and stuck with the best version of being friendly I could summon.
“It’s not that easy Ben. I’m doing well. For the first time I’m actually doing well in everything. Maybe not the relationship part but perhaps I needed to be kept on a leash in that aspect to be better.” That was all fact. I was a lot better than I’d ever been. Did I want to ruin that?
“Well it seems to me like you have it all figured out. I suppose you like her enough but if you wanted the woman you’d do something about it,” he said with a firm nod.
I didn’t know where he got that idea from.
I never said I didn’t want Paige. It wasn’t that at all. That was never the problem.
“What if I did want her?” I said just above a whisper.
He tried to bite back a smile and failed. “I think you’re asking the wrong guy. I don’t know what to tell you Ryan. I guess it all just depends on what you want to do.”
“My career comes first.” I said that more to myself than to him.
“Well, there’s your answer.” He snapped his fingers.
The answer…
Okay. I would just keep telling myself that.
My career came first. It came first and foremost.
***
Monday morning came and I had my head screwed right back on. It was very early. Four a.m. early. I came in again at this unearthly hour to prep for the day. I’d fallen behind on my own work and wanted to do some catching up. I had a little over a month before the clinical trials begun for my research and I wanted to get everything in order well in advance.
I headed straight to the library and stopped in my tracks when I saw Paige sitting at the same spot she was in last week when I took that step to see if I could offer my help.
Seeing her now waved two possible choices in front of me. I could keep walking and stick to the plan I had for myself for this morning, or I could go speak to her.
Speaking to her was on my to-do list because I didn’t plan on just not saying anything to her about the kiss and things being weird between us. I would have hated that, more so because I still wanted to help her.
I never got the chance to contemplate what I should do properly because she lifted her head and saw me standing across the way, watching her.
The only option was talking to her now, even though I didn’t know what exactly to say. Yesterday I’d decided on an apology. I’d apologize and take it from there.
Apologize for the kiss.
She sat up straighter as I approached and tensed when I lowered in the chair opposite her.
“Morning,” I said first.
“Hi.”
“Early again?”
“I wanted to catch up on stuff. I found this extra reading for a condition one of my patients has.”
“Oh…wow. It’s useful to read.” That sounded so lame, as if we didn’t all have to read about various conditions to enhance our knowledge. “Look Paige…I’m sorry about Friday.” Better to jump straight to the problem at hand before the elephant between us got any bigger.
“You don’t have to apologize.”
“I do. I…shouldn’t have kissed you.” I wanted to say more but found I was stuck. It was the way she was looking at me, with those green eyes of hers open with expectancy. I couldn’t have thought of anything to say that wouldn’t make me sound like an asshole. I actually led her on. I flirted with her big time and initiated the kiss. I was the ass that took her out in the first place. So apologizing for the kiss made me seem like more of a jerk.
“It was just a kiss, didn’t mean anything. I…” Her voice trailed off then it was like she suddenly remembered something and started packing up her books. “I have this thing I forgot to do.” She shoved her books in her bag and stood.
I stood too. To stop myself from looking more like an ass I thought pieces of the truth might be necessary here. Truth she may already know since her friend was a second-year resident here.
I grabbed her arm as she was about to go and pulled her back.
“Paige wait…”
I released her and she gazed up at me.
“What is it?” she asked.
“I’m sorry for the kiss, but not for kissing you.” I realized that made no sense, but she seemed to understand. “There was some stuff that happened last year and it got all thrown out of proportion.”
“I heard,” she answered.
I guessed she might know but I hated that she did. “Well, so you know what happened to me. The truth was I needed the wakeup call. I have to focus on my job. I shouldn’t have encouraged anything between us. I want to help you, and I plan to do a lot of work with you this week.”
Her expression softened. “Thanks, and I get it. It’s fine. It is. No biggie.”
Even though she was saying that, I got the impression that it wa
s a big deal.
“See you later?”
“Of course.”
I watched her walk away again. This time she didn’t look back.
Chapter 12
Paige
Why couldn’t I forget one stupid kiss?
I was like a teenager. Worse. It was a stupid kiss and it wouldn’t be happening again.
Just as I’d suspected, Kelly had been watching from her window. She’d seen me kiss Ryan, and she also saw him leave.
Her advice was he was thinking about his job.
Boy was she ever right.
One kiss and the man had me liking him more than I thought I would. One stupid kiss I thought was unforgettable even though I’d acted like it was no big deal. It was days ago but all I had to do was think about it and my lips would burn.
What kind of fool was I?
I should have better sense than this. It was so unlike me to go pining over a guy who didn’t want to be with me.
It was just that this morning, when he explained himself, I clung on to the part of his explanation where he said he wasn’t sorry for kissing me, just the kiss. It felt like one and the same thing, but I did understand.
I was just pissed because I was certain he must have known he’d worry about his job well before kissing me, or hell, making me feel like he was interested in me.
Today was three weeks since I’d known him. It was Monday again. it was three Mondays ago that we met in the bar and I really did not know I’d go from thinking he was hot, to thinking he was an asshole, to liking him, then fighting myself to get him out of my head.
I’d had four sessions with him today. The morning huddle, the lecture on radiation and the benefits for patients with thoracic tumors, the practical he gave on the different pieces of surgical equipment, and now I was in the afternoon case study.
The only breaks I got from him was when I saw my patients.
Each time I’d seen him I’d successfully managed to zone out on all his teachings because my head was filled with him. How soft his lips were, what he tasted like, how he kissed me like he wanted me.
I really wished I’d heeded Kelly’s warning and stayed away from him on any form of social level or off record time.
Thank God he didn’t ask me any questions today because he wouldn’t have gotten an answer.
I was really hoping I would come out of this funk I’d put myself in but the next day was roughly the same.
He’d spoken to me briefly in the morning to let me know I should go to the labs near the lecture halls instead of following the others to the case study. My simulated mannequin had arrived and he was going to spend time with me going over stuff I missed from last week.
He sounded so businesslike when we spoke, very much like how he was in the beginning. It made it worse and made me feel worse too.
I didn’t realize that the days that followed would be the same. I didn’t know how he did it. It must have been the art of a true player. To not feel anything after a kiss like the one he gave me. I was the one who felt it. It was all in my damn head.
At least in the space of that week I was able to work on the mannequin, and I was fine. I’d walked into the lab that afternoon, seen the mannequin on the table, and it didn’t bother me. I worked on it the way I would a body for that whole week and the week after. And I was okay.
I’d never known a doctor to be more right than Dr. Marion. Everything she said was exactly how it was. The mannequins weren’t real, the patients I saw in surgery were alive so none of those brought on my attacks.
It was definitely good news since it meant I just literally had the one small but big problem to focus on. One small but big problem that was manageable if I knew what brought it on and how I could manage it.
I’d do it. I’d manage it and get rid of it. I certainly fucking would because if it was one thing I knew, it was my work was the one constant in my life.
I could always rely on it to be exactly what it was supposed to be. It was hard work and hard going sometimes but I had the mind and the drive for it. All the while I was off getting better, all I thought about was getting back to the path that would lead me to my career goals.
Things like relationships weren’t like that because, as I saw, people could be unpredictable.
They could be unreadable and I wished I could switch off.
I wished I didn’t notice the glances I’d seen Ryan cast my way, or the way that his eyes appeared brighter when he spoke to me. I wished I could switch off and zone out the way he had on me, and I for damn certain wished my stupid heart wouldn’t keep betraying me.
It betrayed me again Monday afternoon.
It seemed I was destined to have shit Mondays.
I was on my way to the labs again for my session with Ryan when I saw him standing on the first-floor balcony. He was with a dark-haired nurse. A very pretty dark-haired nurse, with the kind of looks you’d find on a fashion model. She was exactly the type of woman I’d expected to see him with. Definitely.
Beautiful and perfect, sexy and confident.
They looked like they were together. It was the way she stood, so close to him, and the way she looked at him and the way he looked at her.
She ran a finger over his chest and he leaned in like he was going to kiss her.
I had to turn my head away, not wanting to see.
Not wanting to feel like more of an idiot. Clearly that whole thing about his job was a lie.
Why did he lie?
Why didn’t he just tell me he didn’t want me, instead of that shit about his job?
Was it pity?
I’d trusted him not to take pity or sympathy on me because of what happened to me. Maybe this was outside the remit of that expectation because it wasn’t work.
A sort of “let me down gently” kind of thing so I wouldn’t lose my mind. Maybe that was what he thought.
I went inside the lab and started on my mannequin. Usually I’d wait for him. I didn’t think there was any need to today. I was supposed to be practicing my incisions, trying to make them as seamless as possible. I could do that by myself.
Five minutes later he came in and glanced over to me when he saw I’d started. He frowned too because I hadn’t changed into my protective wear. My hair was down, I didn’t have on any gloves, no facial mask, no apron, nothing.
“Paige why aren’t you wearing your protective wear?” he asked.
“It’s a mannequin Ryan, Dr…whatever. I don’t need it.” I knew I wouldn’t get away with saying something like that to anyone else. I could hardly get away with saying it to him.
“I want you to practice like you would in a live environment. And you got started without me. Why?”
The memory of him with that woman came flashing back in my mind, infuriating me all over again. I was holding a scalpel and instead of setting it down with the other instruments I stabbed it in the mannequin’s heart. It made a whooshing sound.
“You looked busy,” I answered giving him a full on stare. “Didn’t know when you and your nurse friend were going to stop checking each other’s teeth. Since I have things to do I got started without you.” I must have sounded so immature and jealous.
“What are you talking about?” He gave me an incredulous stare.
“The nurse. Dark-haired Barbie with her hands all over you. You know what, I get it. There was no need for you to take pity on me. I’m a big girl. I can handle the truth. If you didn’t want me all you had to do was say so. All you had—”
I didn’t get to finish my rant.
The air left my lungs as he captured my lips for a kiss that left me breathless.
He claimed me, shattering my nerves with the cruel ravishment of his mouth. His lips, hard and searching, kissed me with a hunger I recalled from the first kiss.
I melted against him as he moved with me and pinned me against the wall. I didn’t even have a second to think beyond what I felt at the mome
nt.
Desire, raw and carnal desire, swept over my body and it was like I couldn’t get enough of him.
It was the loud beep of his pager that ripped through the madness of the passion that took us. His pager beeped and vibrated in his pocket. It only went off like that in emergencies.
He moved back, eyes clinging to mine. Wild and brimming with sexual energy.
“Wanting you is the problem,” he breathed and headed out the door.
Silence filled the room but my heart pounded in my ears.
I went home an hour after. I saw my patients earlier than planned and headed home hoping Kelly was there.
If ever I needed to talk it was today…tonight.
She wasn’t home though and when I called her phone went straight to voicemail, then I got a text letting me know she was with Jeff. I was pretty certain she’d told me about Jeff, but I couldn’t remember who he was or when he happened.
Had to be somewhere in the course of last week or the week before.
Women like Kelly had it easy when it came to men because they took charge and didn’t end up losing control. Not like me.
Earlier I lost control when I’d started ranting about Ryan and the nurse and I lost control when he kissed me.
Wanting me was the problem. It didn’t make sense, and not when I was here wanting him too.
When the doorbell rang later that night I thought Kelly must have come back for something and forgot her keys. Or worst case scenario was something bad happened with Jeff to send her home.
When I opened the door and saw it was Ryan, shock made my heart still in my chest.
I wasn’t sure why he was here, and if it was to apologize again I didn’t want to hear it.
“Paige—”
“Don’t.” I cut him off. “I can’t stand another apology. I get it.” I was talking shit because I didn’t get anything. I was just saying anything I could so I wouldn’t have to hear him apologize.
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