She bit the inside of her lip and reached across the table to tap my hands gently. “I just realized, on second thought, this game might not be the best right now. I’m sorry I didn’t think.”
“It’s okay. It’s not you. It’s our default cheer up strategy when the going gets tough. That or good old Ben and Jerry’s. It’s me. I just feel…numb.” Last night I cried and gave her the gist of what happened with Ryan’s dad. I never told her about the part before all that happened, where Ryan told me he loved me. It hardly mattered now.
“It’s understandable Paige. I wish I knew what to say to you. I want to say that things will work out but I…can’t. I wish I knew what was going to happen so I could make you feel better, but I get why you told him to choose his job. I just think his dad’s an asshole. It’s like blackmail. Do what I say or you’ll lose what you want.”
She got that right. It didn’t matter what Ryan was like way back when. His dad had taken things too far. It was blackmail.
“I wish I could think of something to stop me from feeling like shit. I don’t want to go to work today.” I had patient rounds in an hour. Maybe I could go for that, stay till lunchtime, then head home. There were two lectures this afternoon and a case conference. I hated missing anything but I felt today called for it.
“You should probably stay in there, or would it be a case of using work as a distraction?”
I shook my head. “I can’t. I’ll see my patients then go home. Ryan’s supposed to be at the case conference later. It’s going to be hard seeing him and knowing we aren’t together anymore.”
The actual truth was I didn’t know if I could stand to work at St. Michael’s anymore and not be with him. See him every day because we worked in the same department and know we weren’t together anymore. How could I do it?
It wouldn’t be like when I wanted to transfer to a different mentor group. It would be worse because we’d come this far. We’d spent so much time together that when I thought of being without him it didn’t feel right. We’d spent every chance we had together. That wasn’t the sort of thing you just got over.
“Paige, you’re going to have to see him at some point,” Kelly said, interrupting my thoughts.
“I know. I just think it’s hard.”
“Are you thinking although you made it easier for him, that he chose his job over you?”
I shook my head. “No, he’s got a really good opportunity Kelly. What gets me is how it happened. I know if you play with fire you get burned. And I got burned. I was just hoping it would work out.”
Now she gave my hand a squeeze. “It still might. He loves you Paige. I could see it and you love him too. It can’t end like this.”
“It is. The thing is I don’t want him to have to choose. He shouldn’t have to. We were stupid for keeping our relationship secret. I think that just made it worse. He wanted to speak to his father about us in a few weeks, and he was against the idea of sneaking around in the first place. A big part of me wishes I never came up with the idea in the first place. He would have probably spoken to his dad sooner.” Ryan probably would have spoken to his father months ago, and maybe this wouldn’t be happening to us.
I just got so lost in him when I was with him and when we were together we were so wrapped up in each other that we didn’t think about anything else.
No worries, no consequences, nothing. Not until it mattered.
“How about you try to stay positive and not think of the what if’s along the way?”
“Yeah that’s all I can do.”
The door to the restaurant opened and I frowned when I saw who came in.
Alana. She walked right in and her eyes widened when she saw me.
It was a look of slight surprise then it turned into amusement, the way she looked yesterday when she tried to play queen bitch.
Yesterday I was in a vulnerable state, hiding my secret relationship with Ryan, and giving into my fears when she practically made me feel like nothing.
I might not be with Ryan anymore but I sure as hell had ammunition today to put her in her damn place.
She turned her head away from me as she walked over to the shelf with the Belgian waffles.
Kelly followed my gaze and frowned too.
“I can’t stand that woman,” Kelly huffed.
“Me too, and I have a thing I have to clear up with her.” For me there was no better time to air out the shit from the cupboard than when I felt like this. If I had time to think and cool off I’d return to my reasonable self again.
Kelly gasped as I stood and made my way over to Alana, who was now picking up a carton of orange juice. She set it back down when I approached.
“Good morning.” She smiled.
“Yes it is good, isn’t it?” I replied, surprising her. “It occurred to me yesterday when we had that little conversation of ours that I didn’t say much, and clearly you must be hurting as the woman scorned. That was how you put it, wasn’t it?”
She raised her brows at me. “Yes I said that, but I’m not hurting. As you can see I’m fine in every sense of the word.”
“It’s alright, you don’t have to pretend you’re okay.” I made sure the sarcasm was evident in my voice. “I get it, if the man I wanted was with someone else, I would feel bad too. I wouldn’t have done what you did though by making yourself look like the pathetic ex trying to work immature high school shit on the woman he’s seeing.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me,” I said a little too loud. “You damn well heard me. Anyway, you look like a nice enough person so I’m going to cut you some slack and tell you to fuck off out of my business, and only speak to me in regards to my patients. Don’t come for me like that ever again. You won’t like the outcome.”
She was so shocked I spoke to her like that. I shocked myself too. There was no need to wait for her answer; she looked like she got the message and wouldn’t be bothering me ever again.
Strength was what I exhibited there. Strength Kelly looked truly impressed by.
I just wished I could use the same strength to heal my heart. I looked like a woman who knew what she was doing, but I didn’t.
I didn’t know what I was going to do or how I was going to get over Ryan.
I wasn’t sure it was possible.
Chapter 22
Ryan
I hung up the phone and smiled.
Good.
The plan was in motion and I was feeling better than I had in a long time.
I shoved the phone in my back pocket and went out to the garage where Ben was working on my motorcycle. It looked like he was just finishing up because all the parts were put back together and it looked better than new.
I hadn’t used it in a while and definitely not at the hospital. Dad hated it. He said it didn’t do anything for my image and made me look unprofessional. I was going to use it today.
Ben lifted his head and nodded at me as I approached him. “Consider this an early birthday present,” he chuckled. “I not only replaced the back wheel so you could have a smoother ride, but I worked a little magic on the engine too. You should go lightning fast.”
“Perfect. Thank you,” I answered. Fixing up motorcycles were his thing. I liked it too, but I wasn’t as good as him.
Ben had pretty much came right after Cole left this morning. He’d ditched work today, same as me. Well me partially. I was pretty certain Dad expected me to come in early today as per usual. It was nearly two in the afternoon and I was just about to head there. I was only going to speak to him though to give him my decision.
“You look like you have news. All okay?” Ben looked at me with anticipation.
I nodded. “It worked out.”
“Really?”
“It did.” I couldn’t believe I’d managed to figure things out and jump into action the way I did today. It was like an epiphany had dawned on me and suddenly I knew what to do.
; “So it’s happening?”
“It’s happening.” I’d just gotten off the phone with the program director at Lennox Hill Hospital.
I was going to transfer there. That was the answer and the plan that I’d just set in motion.
I was transferring my final year of residency there. It was going to be a long process but that was okay. I’d make it happen. This was me doing better to make sure I got what I wanted. The things I wanted most in life.
Paige and my career. Both, and in that order.
“Damn man, this is good.” Ben nodded, smiling. “You really stepped up.”
“Yeah. It’s the answer Ben. I can’t wait to see her and tell her.”
“I just love being right.” He gave me a smug expression.
“What exactly were you right about, this time?”
“Everything. I told you from the beginning you more than liked her. I also told you that you’d have to sort the sneaking around shit out sooner than later. I’m very wise.”
I rolled my eyes at him. Truthfully he was right. “Okay I’ll give you some credit.”
“That seems fair. Well this is good to go.” He pointed to the bike and gave me a pat on my back. “Update me later.”
“You can count on it.” I grabbed my helmet and got on the bike.
“Well done man.” Ben laughed.
I put my helmet on then gave him a firm nod. Time to go. Time to go and fulfil the next part of the plan.
I set off down the road lightning fast, feeling like a whole new person. Like a new man.
This morning Cole said this was all Dad. He was right, but there was something I didn’t quite realize until we spoke today. It was that I relied on Dad a lot. I relied on him and unknown to me I saw him as my safety net.
Cole and I both went to college at Pittsburgh because he was there. Never mind the fact that I got accepted into twenty other universities and I got scholarships. We worked at the hospital because he was there.
For Cole I thought he was exactly where he wanted to be. He’d always spoken about the college and the hospital like it was a given in his life. Like that was the natural path he would follow because he wanted to follow in Dad’s footsteps.
For me though…it was different. I wanted to follow in Dad’s footsteps too and yes I’d always wanted to be a surgeon, but I followed a path that meant I’d be somewhere where Dad would always get me out of the shit I always landed myself in.
That was sort of the hidden message behind Cole’s advice this morning.
I could do better, and I did.
Most people claimed to have left the proverbial nest when they went to college. Well, this felt like my moment. I was late by years and it was laughable. What mattered was that I was doing it.
***
When I stepped into Dad’s office he seemed to have that same firmness about him from last night. I could tell he’d assumed I was here to grovel. Then he scanned over my biker jacket and jeans and seemed more cautious.
“Take a seat,” he told me, motioning to the chair in front of him.
I sat down but never took my eyes off him.
“You weren’t here all day. I’m surprised by that,” he said, steepling his fingers in that habitual way.
“I was taking care of a few things,” I answered.
“Okay. We won’t waste time getting into that. Do you have an answer for me? I want to know what we’re about going forward.”
I nodded my head. “Dad, I want to thank you for all you’ve done for me. I want to thank you for all that you’ve taught me and the for all the opportunities you’ve given me. It’s opened many doors. I doubt Scientific American would have looked in my direction if not for the research opportunities you gave me. I thank you for them, and all the chances you’ve given me. But I’m here to let you know I will be leaving St. Michael’s.”
The shock that suffused his face caught me off guard. I never expected him to be so taken aback. The blood literally drained from his cheeks as I revealed my decision.
“Ryan, this is ridiculous. This is the decision you’ve come to?”
“That is my decision Dad. I’ve spoken with the program director at Lennox Hill about transferring the remainder of my residency to them, and they’re sending over the paperwork to me today. If it’s okay with you I’d like to finish the month here to tie up everything with my patients, mentees, friends, and colleagues. The last thing I’m going to ask of you is to sign whatever needs to be signed so the transfer can take place.”
“Ryan, why? Why would you come to this decision? And for a woman?”
I tensed and hardened my stare. “Dad, you say it like that but you’re not taking note of what it all means. You’re completely missing the point. I’m deeply sorry you had to find out about Paige the way you did.” I hadn’t even addressed the embarrassing factor of my father finding me in bed with my girl. “I’m sorry about that, and sorry I didn’t man up and tell you about us before. The thing is, this wasn’t just about her. It’s about you and me. I hurt you last year in a way where you might not be able to trust me ever again because things could have gone south and damaged all of us. That made you fearful of what could happen and you took over control of my life in a way that nearly made me lose the woman I fell in love with.”
His hands dropped to the table and he stared at me with realization. “Ryan…you’re in love with her?”
“I am, so I’m doing the first right thing I’ve done since I met her and probably in my life.”
“By leaving? Ryan, this can’t be the answer. I don’t want you to leave. You’re one of the most talented surgeons here.”
“I have to leave, Dad. It’s for the best. You shouldn’t have to work in a place where you’re always worrying that your son’s going to do something to drag your name through the dirt. Right here we’re good but if I stay there will always be that thing in the back of your mind. This year taught me a lot and I see I can do more. Lennox Hill has a better research center than us. I’m more suited there. I can do more there with the tech they have and the resources.” The program director knew of my research and was only too happy to get my call. “It’s where I probably would have gone if I didn’t rely on you so much.”
He pressed his lips together and sighed. “I can’t argue with you about being more suited there. I just want you here for myself. For us here. I have my reservations, Ryan, but I never meant for it to come to this. I never expected you to come here today and take the option to leave.”
“I know. It’s always been like that though. I do something, you threaten to take away something I want, I give in. Until next time. Time to break the cycle Dad.”
He nodded, looking sad but with understanding.
“I hope this won’t cause any hard feelings between us. That’s the last thing I want.”
“Dad, there are no such feelings. Only respect.” I stood up and gave him a curt nod.
“Ryan…thanks for all you did here.”
I gave him a smile and set off for the final part of the plan.
Paige.
Get my girl, and show her off to the whole world so they could see she was mine.
I wanted everyone to see she belonged with me.
That we belonged together.
Chapter 23
Paige
The day was just as weird as I thought it would be. I came home after I did my patient rounds and decided on some down time. I did all kinds of things like tidying the house and rearranging the furniture but nothing helped. Nothing truly distracted me.
It probably would have been better to stay at work and get lost in the distraction of being there.
The only claim I had to some sort of victory for the day was my little encounter with Alana this morning.
That kept me buzzing all morning and lasted the duration of my stay at the hospital. I was just glad I got the chance to set her straight and gloated for the way I did it.
&nb
sp; Now that I was home alone with my thoughts of Ryan, the despair all came back.
I’d normally be seeing him later. I was supposed to. I was going to stay at his place and make him dinner tonight. Instead, I was here…not really knowing what to do with myself. I resorted to sitting on the sofa in the living room and staring at the wall. That was how I chose to spend my afternoon, in that pathetic state.
When the doorbell rang I actually jumped and my heart leapt into my chest. I couldn’t imagine who it would be coming to see us at this time of day. Everyone knew Kelly and I were normally out during the weekdays and as far as I knew, neither of us had any packages arriving. I definitely didn’t have anything coming in.
I checked through the peephole and gasped when I saw Ryan standing on the other side of the door.
My heart stilled for a few seconds that felt like forever and my breath hitched.
He was here. Why?
Last night was supposed to be…well, it was messy. I did what I had to and didn’t really need a reminder. This was like that time when he’d come by to try and explain that his work was important to him.
Pulling in a deep breath, I gathered courage and opened the door.
That sparkle that always brightened his eyes appeared when he saw me.
“Paige…hi. I was worried you weren’t in. You weren’t at the hospital.”
So he did go to work.
“I came home early. I just…finished up early,” I tried to explain.
He knew nothing could have been further from the truth and that I’d basically bailed out on the rest of the day.
“Can I come in?”
“Of course.” My hands started sweating and the question on my mind only weighed heavier.
I stepped aside so he could come in, and closed the door.
He looked around then focused on me.
I stared at him for a moment, noting that he looked different.
“Paige, I’m really sorry about last night and the whole…well…everything.” He held my gaze like he was trying to reach into my soul. To that place that belonged to him and always would. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. It felt like looking away would break the last ounce of connection we had. “Here’s what should have happened—I should have just asked you out from the beginning. Then I should have pursued a normal relationship with you. Taken you to dinner, or a movie, and not care who saw us. Take you away on all those adventures properly and sneak away. We should have been able to tell people we were spending Christmas and Easter with each other instead of us telling them we were working. I shouldn’t have sown the seeds for you to come up with the idea of us keeping our relationship secret. It wasn’t fair on you, and it wasn’t what you deserved.”
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