by Jewel, Bella
When I stop and stare out across the still water, every single emotion I’ve managed to push away for the past twenty-four hours comes flying to the surface. I’m overcome with the need to cry, and before I know it, I’m sinking to my knees and sobbing uncontrollably.
I have no idea how long I cry for, but when I have no tears left, I push myself back to standing and wipe my face with the sleeves of my shirt. I feel Josh’s presence before he reaches me, but I don’t turn to acknowledge him. I don’t want him to see my puffy, tear-streaked face.
“What are you doing out here?” Josh asks, closing the distance so he’s right in front of me. “I woke up and you were gone.”
I drag my gaze away from the tranquillity of the lake and into the hurricane raging in his eyes. Instead of looking away, I fall into the eye of the storm. “I couldn’t sleep.”
He cocks his head. “Want to tell me why you were crying?” The look of hurt across his face is painful to see.
I drop my gaze to my feet and push back the memories taunting me from the sidelines of my mind. I sway on my feet, feeling lightheaded. I count in my head to regain my equilibrium. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six . . .
“Are you okay?” Josh asks, reaching for my arm. His eyes are wide with what looks like panic. “You’re scaring me, Emerson.”
I snap at him, ripping my arm away. “I just need you to leave me alone.”
“Don’t you dare say you regret what happened between us,” he says in a surprisingly gentle tone. “I won’t believe you, so I need to know what’s going on and try to help you if I can.”
“And what if I don’t want to be helped?” Tears prick my eyes again, but I hold his gaze. “I don’t regret what happened between us, but it can’t happen again.”
“Your eyes tell me a different story.” His voice is calm and even.
I turn away. “My story is camouflaged, and you’re only seeing what you want to see.”
“Jesus, Emerson. I really don’t get you at all sometimes. One moment you’re taking control in the bedroom and the next you’re shutting down. I’m worried if I say or do the wrong thing, you’ll break into a million pieces, and I won’t know how to put you back together.”
Frustrated, I find myself shouting at him. “You’re just someone who plays around with paint telling vulnerable sad sacks that ‘expressing yourself through art,’” I say that with air quotes to drive my insult home, “will help heal them.” I poke my finger hard into his chest. I know I’m lashing out, but I can’t help myself. “And you know what?”
Josh takes a step back and crosses his arms over his chest. “What?”
“You’re not a shrink, and it’s all a load of bullshit.”
He shouts and I jump. “Then tell me why you showed up to three classes if it was such a waste of your precious time!”
Without considering my words, I let them spill out. “Because I was lost and so fucking lonely.” Tears slip down my cheeks. I hadn’t even realised the truth in my words until I heard them said in my own voice.
Silence settles between us, and neither of us breaks eye contact. There is power, adrenaline, relief, and sadness passing back and forth between us. I can hear my heavy breaths thundering in my ears, and I know my chest is rising and falling as oxygen calms me.
Eventually Josh breaks the silence. “It’s okay, Emerson.” He closes the distance between us and wraps his arms around me. “I’m here.”
The tears spill free as I rest my cheek against his hard chest, cocooned in his strong embrace. I’m embarrassed by my admission, but it felt cathartic. I trust Josh, and trust is not something I thought I’d ever feel with someone other than Mereki. Perhaps we found each other for a reason, and this man is allowed to be important to me. Deep down, I know I’m not a terrible person. The time I’ve spent with Josh has been like therapy, and it was horribly wrong of me to say otherwise. However, I know that if I care for him at all, I’ll leave him alone. I need to work out my own life and complications before I drag him down any further.
“I can’t come to your classes anymore,” I say, pulling back from his now-soaked shirt. “I’m sorry for what I said before. I think what you’re doing with your art is a beautiful thing. It’s just . . .”
“That’s crazy,” Josh says. “You’re unblocking your mind and your creativity. You can’t stop now.” He cups my chin with his right and tips my face up to meet his gaze. “And anyway, I’d miss you.”
“I’ll think about it,” I say, giving him a small smile as he swipes the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. “But no promises.”
“At some stage, you need to tell me why you were crying out here all alone in the middle of the night, because I know it didn’t have anything to do with what happened earlier.” He gives me a small smile, and my heart aches in acknowledgement that it was the best sex of my life. How can that even be true? “I care about you, and I think you need to tell someone what is going on in that head of yours.”
I take a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “It was years ago, and I’ve not spoken about it since.”
“Maybe you haven’t surrounded yourself with the right people then if they can’t see there’s a part of you that’s broken and tried to help you heal.”
He has no idea why his words are so crushing because I’ve hidden the most important part of me from him. I’ve hidden Mereki—my love, my life, my heart.
I shiver, and Josh places his arm around my shoulders. “Come on. Let’s get you back inside.”
Reluctantly, I allow him to walk me back to the house and back to his bed. I allow him to spoon me, and I allow myself the reprieve of feeling safe and wanted. After our brief talk by the lake, I feel a small amount of weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Closing my eyes and clasping Josh’s hand in mine, I drift off to sleep. For the first time in five years, I don’t suffer through my recurring nightmare where I replay what happened that horrible night. In fact, I don’t think I dream at all.
Chapter 27
Waking up in Josh’s arms, I mentally dust off the cobwebs of my sleepy brain to assess my feelings. I should be devastated, or at least more ashamed and guilty than I am. I can’t let this go any further, but for now, I snuggle closer, revel in his warmth and go back to sleep.
He shifts behind me sometime later and begins feathering kisses across the back of my neck, pushing the shirt he gave me to wear off my shoulder. I turn over to face him, pulling the shirt back up. “Morning.”
“How did you sleep, beautiful?” He leans forward to kiss me, but I pull back, putting my hand over my mouth.
“Morning breath,” I say. It’s not a deflection technique because it’s a completely legitimate concern.
He pulls my hand away and kisses me quickly before I have a chance to stop him. “I care about kissing you far more than morning breath.”
“Josh,” I say, pushing my palm into his bare chest, eliciting a laugh from him. “You’re so weird.”
I shuffle out of bed and use his bathroom. When I return, Josh is sitting up in bed.
I can’t get back in that bed with him. My traitorous body wants another round of mind-blowing sex, but I’ve made up my mind not to let him be dragged down any further with me. I need to get back to the city and keep my distance while I work out what’s going on with Ki. “I’m going to go find my jeans,” I say, grabbing my dress and underwear from the floor and shuffle out of the room before he has a chance to make me change my mind.
When I’m showered and dressed, I find him in the kitchen making coffee. He’s wearing a pair of baggy shorts that sit low on his hips. He’s shirtless, and my mouth waters at the glorious sight. I curse my damned existence where walking up to him and slipping my arms around his waist, knowing it would be welcomed, is cruel and dragging out the inevitable.
Despite me not making a sound, Josh turns to face me and smiles. He has a smile that penetrates the wall around my heart, but Mereki is the foundation for that wall and Josh is calling its integrity
into question.
“Feeling better?” he asks, turning back to finish making the coffee.
“I am. Thank you.” I take a seat at the island bench and rest my chin in my hands, resting my elbows on the counter top. “I think I should get going soon.”
Josh’s shoulders slump slightly, and he shakes his head. When he turns, he’s holding two steaming mugs, and his expression is serious. “What’s the hurry? Nothing is open today, and you don’t have to work.” He places the coffee down in front of me and remains on the other side of the bench.
“This has been great,” I reply, looking at my coffee rather than him. “I just-”
“I thought we were getting somewhere, especially after last night.” There is a note of anger or maybe just frustration in his voice, and I can’t blame him.
Do I tell him the truth now? Do I tell him my heart has always belonged to someone else? Do I tell him I am damaged beyond repair? Do I owe him an explanation at all? All these questions whirl around in my mind as I stare at the steam rising from my mug.
“Can you look at me, please?” he asks.
I drag my eyes up to his. Instead of feeling guilt and shame, I feel angry at him for even temporarily breaking down my carefully constructed wall of ice. In some small, rational part of my brain, I acknowledge he is innocent in his pursuit, but rationale doesn’t always play a role in matters of the heart. Why did he have to be so goddamned irresistible to my fragile, attention-starved body and mind? Then I realise I’m not actually angry at Josh. I’m angry at Mereki for so many things, but mostly, I’m angry at him for leaving me. Seething, boiling, enraged, out-of-my-mind angry.
I drink my coffee quickly, scalding the roof of my mouth and burning my tongue. I want the caffeine injection, then I need to get the hell out of here, away from Josh and any further temptation. When my cup is empty and my mind is made up, I push back from the bench and stand. “I need to go.”
“What?” Josh asks, throwing his hands in the air. “What the fuck is going on?”
“I . . . I . . .” I can’t get the words out as I stumble backwards, causing the stool to scrape across the floor.
Josh storms around the bench and grabs my elbow. I pull away, but his grasp is firm. Until now, he’s been nothing but kind, gentle, and considerate, but I’ve obviously pushed him over the edge I didn’t even know was there. His eyes are narrowed, and the veins in his neck throb. He is intimidating, and fear pulses through me as the night I was attacked comes rushing to the forefront of my mind. I was held down by a man physically dominant over me while life as I knew it slipped away.
“Please let go of me,” I say, pleading with him to acknowledge my fear.
He drops my arm as if I’m on fire. “I’m sorry.” He takes a step back and swallows hard. “Please don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?” I ask, holding on by a thread.
“Like you think I’m going to hurt you.”
“I don’t think you’re going to hurt me.” I pause to take a deep breath. “But I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” I wrap my arms around myself protectively.
“I don’t know what that means. Last night meant something to me, Emerson, and I don’t know what has changed since then.” He runs one of his hands through his hair, then scrubs his face. He is frustrated, and he has every right to be.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen, Josh.” My anger has subsided, replaced with the need to end this with as little damage as possible. “I shouldn’t have come out here, and I certainly shouldn’t have stayed as long as I did. I should’ve called roadside assistance to sort out my car.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
“Because for the first time in a long time, I wanted someone to know me as more than just the cupcake girl or whatever other title I take on for a few months at a time.”
“I thought we went through this last night by the lake. We found each other. Was that not a breakthrough that led to a connection the likes of which I didn’t know existed? Was I the only one who thought that?”
I shake my head. “I was there, too, but . . .” I have to tell him, but I don’t want to suffer the consequences. As selfish as it is, I don’t want to lose him from my life.
“Go on.”
I swallow hard, knowing I must deliver the killer blow. I should just come out and say I can’t be with him because my heart and soul belong to someone else and that I’m so sorry for everything, but the words won’t come. Tears slip down my cheeks. I don’t even try to stop them or wipe them away. I want Josh to see how sorry I am for letting him feel something for me. I look up at him through wet lashes. “You deserve so much more than this.”
“I don’t even know what that means. I want you, Emerson. I want all of you, and I thought we were building something real.” He reaches for me, but I take a step back. “Don’t run away from this. Stay and talk to me.”
Is this what I want? Is Josh who I want? The way my heart feels like it’s being torn is both devastating and liberating. Mereki has pulled away from me for years, and I’ve fought it tooth and nail. It feels good to have someone want me for a change. Someone is fighting for me to stay, and it feels . . . it feels so good.
We continue to stare at each other until eventually, I can’t take it anymore. With furrowed brows, limp limbs, and an ache in my chest I didn’t even know was possible, I take what might possibly be my first honest step towards this beautiful man and hope desperately he will try to understand what I still need to tell him.
Josh wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head. “Thank you.”
“Your driveway is a nightmare,” a man’s friendly voice calls out from somewhere.
Spinning in Josh’s arms, I come face-to-face with a man who so strongly resembles Josh, it simply must be one of his brothers.
“Luca,” Josh says, holding me tightly against him. “What are you doing here?”
“Sorry for crashing in on you.” Luca winks at me before turning to Josh. “I’m on my way back from Tom’s bachelor weekend. I told you I’d stop in.”
“Sorry, mate. I completely forgot.”
Luca looks at me then back at Josh, raising his eyebrows, obviously waiting for an introduction.
“Sorry.” Josh releases me, and I step forward. “Luca, this is Emerson.”
“Ah. Emerson.” He holds out his hand and I shake it, trying to hide the emotion I am feeling. “It’s great to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
My gaze snaps to Josh, then back to Luca. “You have?”
I can’t deny the butterflies fluttering in my belly or the wide grin on my face that is impossible to rein in.
“Josh here told us about you at a family lunch last weekend.”
“Shut up, Luca,” Josh demands, but there’s laughter in his voice. “Emerson doesn’t want to hear about that.”
“Don’t be silly,” Luca says, putting his arm around me. “I want to get to know the first girl my brother has ever voluntarily told his whole family about.”
He ushers me to the lounge room and essentially forces me to sit down. I should be wishing Josh and I were still alone so I could have the hard conversation with him, but I am grateful for Luca’s upbeat personality and welcome the distraction.
“How was the party?” Josh asks, probably trying to change the subject.
“Another one bites the dust. It was fun, but I couldn’t help feeling like it was death row for him.”
“You like who he’s marrying?”
Luca faces me. “I work with Tom. He’s a bit on the crazy side but a decent guy. Never met the bride-to-be, but she sounds like a looney tune to me.” He rolls his eyes. “She called him about a hundred times over the weekend. Full clingy-psycho behaviour if you ask me.”
“Did Tom mind?” Josh asks, chuckling.
Luca shrugs. “I think he’s scared of her to be honest.”
“Oh hey. Do you want something to eat?” Josh asks. “Bit of grease for the morning after
?”
“Bring it on, mate.” Luca rubs his stomach.
Josh disappears into the kitchen, leaving Luca and me alone.
“You and Joshy, huh?” Luca asks, smiling warmly.
“I can’t believe he told you about me.”
“He showed up to our family lunch last Saturday with a big bunch of flowers for Mum and a bigger smile.” He taps the side of his head. “We all knew something was up.”
I swallow hard, unsure if I want him to keep going, but I remain silent.
“It’s a family tradition our father started,” Luca continues. “That before we start a meal as a family, we each say the best thing that’s happened to us since the last time we were all together.”
I raise my eyebrows, knowing what he’s going to say before he says it.
“He said you. He said Emerson Hart was the best thing to happen to him.”
My heart clenches with the agony of knowing I could really hurt Josh if I’m unable to explain everything to him and make him understand.
Needing a moment to compose myself, I say, “Sorry, Luca. I just have to use the bathroom and pack up my things.”
“No prob. I’ll go annoy Josh in the kitchen then.”
I leap up and scurry off to the spare bedroom to gather my purchases from the markets and use the bathroom, determined to pull myself together.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror and smile. It isn’t a big smile, and it barely reaches my eyes, but for someone who hasn’t been able to properly look at her own reflection for five years, it feels monumental. I had thought Mereki was my forever person, but life doesn’t always work out the way you think it will. Sometimes life throws you curve balls, and sometimes, like in my case, a giant crater opens up in front of you and gives you a swift shove in the back so you plummet into its depths. I’ve spent enough time wallowing in the dark, and I’m now ready to clamber up the steep slope back to the light. Josh has made me see another path for my life, and I’m ready to travel it.
When I return down the hallway, I stop short when I hear Luca and Josh talking in the kitchen.