by Jewel, Bella
“She came here with my other art students on Saturday, and she had car trouble, so ended up staying two nights,” I hear Josh say.
“Wow. So, she’s artsy. Tick. And she obviously wanted to stay out here with you because she conveniently had car trouble,” he says. He thinks I made that up! “And she’s definitely a looker. I’m really happy for you, Joshy.”
“I know this is going to sound crazy, but I think I’m in love with her.”
I slap my palm over my mouth to stifle my gasp. There is silence between them for a few moments, and I’m envisaging Luca’s face scrunched up as if he’s simultaneously tasted and smelled something repugnant.
“I know,” Josh says, responding to whatever Luca’s expression conveyed. “It sounds too soon, but I feel like I’ve known her for much longer than I have, and there’s just something really special about her.”
“Ugh. I knew this would happen with you,” Luca says. “As soon as you found her, you’d fall hook, line, and sinker.”
“I didn’t even know who I was looking for until she turned up on Mum’s doorstep. I feel like I’ve known her for a whole lot longer than that.”
I clear my throat before venturing back into the kitchen.
Both Josh and Luca snap their gazes to me.
“How long were you standing there?” Josh asks, guilt and possibly fear on his face.
“Not long.” Long enough.
“Josh was just singing your praises. He says you’re an amazing artist.”
I smile, meeting Josh’s gaze. “Thank you.”
“Well, I’m going to hit the road,” Luca says, picking up the egg and bacon roll Josh has made for him. “I’ve got a conference call this evening, and I have some prep to do.”
“I’ll catch up with you this week sometime,” Josh says, patting him on the back.
“It was lovely to meet you,” I say.
“You too, Emerson.” He kisses my cheek. “Maybe I’ll see you at the next family lunch.”
“Sure,” I say, awkwardly.
Luca laughs. “No pressure. We’re a laidback bunch of idiots.”
“Nice,” Josh says, shaking his head.
We all walk outside together, then Luca climbs into his silver Ferrari and disappears down the driveway in a cloud of dust.
“I like your brother,” I say when the dust settles, and we turn back to the house.
“He’s alright,” Josh replies, touching his hand to the small of my back.
When he closes the door behind us, he is on me in a flash, kissing me hard and ripping my shirt over my head. “I want you,” he says between kisses. “I need you right now.”
Unable to think straight, I nod. With a groan, he pushes my jeans and underwear down my legs, then deftly unhooks my bra, letting it join my clothes on the floor. He crushes his body to mine and my back hits the door. I can feel his hard erection grinding against me, and it’s driving me wild with lust.
“Are you on birth control?” he asks, his lips almost touching mine.
I nod again. “I’m on the pill.”
“Do you mind if we don’t use a condom?” he asks, his breathing ragged. “My last girlfriend cheated on me, so I got myself tested after we broke up. I’m clean.”
I’m not cheating, I tell myself. Mereki and I have been over for a while now, and I plan to let him go. I’m confident that’s what he wants anyway. I don’t know why I hadn’t seen that before now. My heart will never be the same, but right now, this feels so right, and I need something to feel right for a change.
I push his shorts down to his ankles, and he kicks them off his feet. He isn’t wearing any underwear, so we are now both completely naked, staring into each other’s lust-filled eyes. “Take me, Josh,” I say, holding his face in my hands and pulling his mouth to mine.
He picks me up and my back hits the door. With my legs wrapped around his waist, he thrusts into me in one fluid motion. I tip my head back and welcome the intense sensations that dull every thought other than how good he feels filling me up completely. Josh is the missing puzzle piece I found when I wasn’t looking.
We both climax quickly, releasing the built-up tension of the earlier conversation and the intense weekend. I stay wrapped around him while he carries me back to his bedroom. I don’t want to let him go yet, and it certainly doesn’t feel like he wants to let me go. When we’ve cleaned up in the bathroom, we lie on his bed, still naked, facing each other.
“There’s something I need to tell you,” I say, taking a deep breath.
“You can tell me anything,” he whispers, running his hand along my arm and the dip of my waist, then placing his whole hand over my backside.
We’re so close, and his warm breath tickles my face. I could get lost in him far too easily; I must find a way to speak to him openly.
“I think I can explain why you feel like you’ve known me for a lot longer than just this year.”
He nods. “I can’t explain it, but I felt a strong connection to you from that first moment. It was as if I already knew you, as crazy as that sounds.”
I close my eyes briefly. “In a way, you did.”
“What do you mean?” He props himself up on his elbow.
“Madeleine gave you a drawing five years ago.”
His eyes widen, and his bottom lip drops. “What about it?”
I break eye contact and focus on the very interesting pattern the light makes on the ceiling.
“What about it, Emerson?” Josh’s voice sounds strained, and I meet his gaze again.
“I met Madeleine five years ago when I was selling my art for the first time at a market stall back in my hometown.”
Josh bolts up, throwing his legs over the side of the bed and pushing his palms against his knees. “It’s your drawing,” he says, nodding.
I crawl across the bed and kneel behind him, running my hands tentatively over his back and shoulders before hugging him from behind. I want him to be okay with this. I whisper in his ear, “I left a big piece of me on that paper, and you’ve been holding it ever since.”
His shoulders sag, but his hands grip mine against his chest. “I think I already knew that.”
“I think you did, too.” I kiss his shoulder, pressing my breasts into the taut muscles of his back. “I think you saw me in that drawing, and you’ve been waiting for me ever since.”
“What took you so long?” he whispers, picking up my right hand and placing his lips to my palm. “Five years.” He kisses my palm, then pulls me around and onto his lap. “I’ve waited for five long years without even knowing it.”
“I have so much to explain.” I look into his eyes, and what I see now has changed. There is a whole new level of emotion swirling around, and I am falling.
“That drawing changed my life,” he says, and I wonder if it’s painful memories etching lines into his forehead. “It helped me through a really dark time, and it started a chain of events that brought you to me.”
“Where is it?” I ask in a confident voice, surprising myself with how calm I feel.
“At Mum’s place.”
“You gave it to her?”
“I saw light overcoming darkness in your drawing. It helped me, and I wanted it to help her, too. She plunged into darkness when Dad died, and I was convinced she was going to die from a broken heart.”
“Did it help her?” I ask, shocked by the idea of my own personal journey helping others.
He nods, nuzzling into my neck. “My brothers and I have our mum.”
“She’s still grieving though,” I say, thinking back to her vacant stares and red-rimmed eyes as she spoke of her lost love.
Josh pulls back and looks me in the eye. “And she’ll grieve forever, but it doesn’t consume her whole existence anymore.” His smile is sad, but his eyes are light. “I like to think you showed her a way back.”
Something Mereki once said to me springs into my head, and I’m choked with emotion.
You’re my shining light wh
enever the world is dark. Never let your light die because it’s going to brighten more than just my world.
“I have so much more to tell you, Josh.” I now know my own world is shifting and that Mereki was never my compass. I need to move out from the shadows and shine again in my own right.
Josh’s right arm slips under my legs and scoops me up and onto the bed where I find myself lying on my back before him. Pushing my legs apart, he kneels between them.
“Can it wait?” he asks, his eyes hooded and blazing with love. He grips my ankles and pushes back so my knees are bent and I’m completely open to him. I don’t feel vulnerable or embarrassed. I feel ready to let him bask in my body again.
“It can wait,” I say, groaning as he kisses me from my knees, down my thighs to the most sensitive part of me.
“Oh my God, Josh,” I say, panting out his name as he takes me in his mouth, licking and sucking me with expert precision. My hips buck, and my head snaps back into the covers when his tongue flicks the bundle of nerves, shooting fireworks throughout my writhing body. I am open and completely vulnerable, but I feel safe and cared for. He is focused solely on my pleasure, and I’m taking everything he has to give me.
While the waves continue to crash, and I’m awash with ecstasy the likes of which I’ve never known before, Josh moves up my body and enters me. My eyes snap open as the new sensations take over. I am filled with him, crushed by him in the best possible way, and I wrap my legs around him, forcing him deeper, harder, faster.
“Look at me,” he says, propped up on his elbows on either side of my head. He uses both his hands to push my hair back from my face, then he leaves them there, cupping my cheeks. “Feel me deep inside you.”
I stare into his clear, green eyes and smile. “I feel all of you.”
He thrusts again, and I raise my hips to meet him. “You are so beautiful, Emerson.”
I accept the compliment with a languid smile, drugged with pleasure, but managing to somehow maintain eye contact. I run my hands down his back and over his tight backside. His physique is breathtaking, but the way he’s consuming my entire being at this moment is more than just physical. I’ve missed being this close to a man, skin to skin. We’re no longer driven entirely by lust, and I feel connected to him in every way possible.
“This has been an incredible weekend, Josh,” I say when we’re facing each other, revelling in our post-coital bliss. “Thank you.”
He kisses me lightly on the lips. “I should be thanking you for running out of petrol.”
I cringe. I hate feeling like a damsel in distress, but I have to admit, it set off a chain of events that led me into Josh’s arms. “I wonder if this would’ve happened regardless.”
“Of course it would.” He waves a hand between us. “This was inevitable.”
I wonder if what happened days after my eighteenth birthday was inevitable, too.
Before I can get too lost down the vortex, Josh gets up and heads for the door. I roll onto my tummy, propping myself on my elbows and resting my chin in my hands. It gives me the perfect vantage point to admire a very naked Josh walking away. The show is over far too quickly, but he returns less than a minute later holding all our clothes.
“I am one hundred percent on board with you staying naked, just so you know.”
Rolling my eyes then smiling, I flip my legs over the side of the bed and reach for my clothes. “Good try,” I say, chuckling. “I really need to get going now.”
Josh takes my hand as he walks me to my car.
“Will you call me to let me know you got home safe?” he asks, holding me against him as if he might never let me go.
I nod against his chest. It feels like an incredible relief to embrace something real. I’ve spent too many years battling my past.
As I drive away, I wonder how or when I’m ever going to tell Josh the truth.
Chapter 28
It’s been two days since I left Josh’s house, and I miss him more than I could’ve imagined and certainly more than I should. I miss having his arms around me and our bodies moving together. I hadn’t realised how alone I’d really been.
I haven’t spoken to Mereki, and it’s better that way. I need to stop craving him like a drug-addicted junkie, always looking for another hit. I am on the right road now, and it’s time to set him free, too. I know it will be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do, but regardless of what we are or aren’t, we owe it to each other to part ways properly. I will keep my promise to be at our place by the river four days after my birthday, and I know he will, too. I’ve held onto him too tightly and I see that now.
“There’s someone here to see you, Emerson,” Carrie says as I pull a tray of cupcakes from the oven.
My heart seizes, hoping Josh has arrived in the city early but knowing it’s unlikely. He told me on the phone last night he had plans with Todd this afternoon and would pick me up after work for an early dinner before class. I hope it isn’t awkward for him to have me in his class given what transpired between us over the weekend, because I want to be there for the art as well as for him.
“Who is it?” I ask.
“Madeleine Gibson from the gallery down the road. She’s having a coffee on one of the outside tables, and she asked for you.” In an uncharacteristically friendly tone, Carrie adds, “It’s quiet, so why don’t you just finish up now and join her?”
“Okay, thanks.” I remove my apron, grab my bag from the shelf, and go through to the shopfront to meet Madeleine.
“I hope you don’t mind me stopping by when you’re at work,” she says when she looks up and sees me. “I was just hoping we could have a quick chat.”
“Carrie said I can finish up now, so I’m all yours,” I reply, taking a seat opposite her. “What’s up?”
“I don’t really know how to say this,” she says, shifting awkwardly in her chair.
Her tone puts me on edge, and I swallow hard. “What’s wrong?” Then my stomach clenches. “Is Josh okay?” I don’t know why I ask her that, but they are friends and maybe something happened, and she is about to break some awful news to me. Tears prick my eyes, and I start to shake.
Her eyes are swimming with turmoil. “Josh is fine. This does involve him though.”
I shake my head. “Please tell me what’s going on. You’re kinda scaring me.”
She meets my gaze. “You told him about your drawing.”
I nod. “I did. How did you know?”
“Josh called me today wanting to talk about your art.”
I sit up straighter, not liking where this is going.
“He wants to help you, Emerson.”
“I never asked for his help.”
She holds her hands up in front of her. “I know you didn’t, and I don’t think you ever will.” She raises an eyebrow. “But I’ve never heard him so passionate about anyone before.”
“I’m only just finding my passion for art again.” I cringe at my words. “I hope that doesn’t sound ungrateful, but this is all a bit overwhelming.”
“I’m not going to help unless you ask me directly. You’re an adult, and I think there’s a very good reason why you gave it up in the first place. But that’s not exactly what I came here to talk about.”
“Oh,” I say, clenching my teeth.
“Josh is like a son to me, Emerson. I know he has romantic feelings for you, and I’m worried he’s going to get his heart broken.”
I open my mouth to speak, then close it again.
“Why doesn’t he know you have a boyfriend?” she asks in a stern tone.
My head snaps up as my past crashes head-on into my present. “What?” My mind runs at a million miles an hour.
“You told me Mereki is here in Melbourne, so why does Josh think he stands a chance with you?”
Mustering the only shred of calm I have left, I say, “I’m really not sure this is any of your business, but Mereki and I have been over for a long time now.”
“Don’t let Josh
be your rebound. He deserves more than that.” She leans forward and takes my hands in hers. “Tell him the truth, Emerson. It will set you both free.”
I nod, now realising that I will have to tell Josh about Mereki sooner rather than later or Madeleine will. But how will I tell him? What will I tell him? “I don’t want to break his heart, Madeleine. I care about him, and I’m in unchartered territory.”
“That’s all very well, but both Mereki and Josh deserve the truth.”
I glance at my watch. “I’ll tell him.” I wrinkle my nose. “Soon.”
She stands, smiling. “Good. I think you and Josh could make a lovely couple. I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out with that handsome boy, Mereki, though. I only met him that one time, but there was something about him that I’ve never forgotten. It was like he was an old soul, and he was clearly besotted with you. I’m not surprised you’re having trouble letting him go for whatever reason, but you’ve found another amazing man in Josh.” She hugs me, then pulls back to look me directly in the eyes. “You’re a lucky girl, Emerson Hart.”
Lucky. Am I lucky? I give her a sad smile because I don’t have the mental fortitude for anything more.
“Good luck, sweetheart,” she says, placing her hand on my shoulder before floating away with her trademark grace. There really is something strangely ethereal about the woman.
I sit on my own for a few more minutes before deciding I need to walk for a while to clear my head. I am rattled by the conversation I had with Madeleine, but at the same time, I feel brave and ready to make a change.
Turning left, then left again, I make my way along the tree-lined street. I pull my phone out and send a text to Josh telling him I finished early and will meet him at his mum’s house instead of at work. Josh had suggested we have dinner there as it’s walking distance to the gallery, and there really aren’t any restaurants close by other than very fancy ones that don’t offer a quick, casual bite at six in the evening.
After taking the long way, I make my way up Sarah’s path. She’s at her friend’s house, so I sit on her tiled steps and wait. My phone beeps, alerting me to a text.