The Girls in Blue

by Fenella J Miller

  ‘A cummerbund? I refuse to be escorted by any gentleman wearing one of those. Remove it immediately if you wish to accompany me into the dance.’

  What the taxi driver thought of their nonsense she’d no idea, but when it drew up outside the elegant hotel she and Oscar were both laughing gaily. They exchanged knowing smiles as they passed clusters of elegant ladies in fur coats and expensive jewellery.

  ‘We’re getting quite a few disapproving looks but I’m not sure if that’s because we’re smiling or because we’re in uniform and not dressed to the nines like everyone else,’ she whispered as they approached the enormous polished reception desk behind which stood not one, but three uniformed men all with supercilious smiles.

  Her smile faded and she began to feel uncomfortable. Oscar kept her hand firmly in his and strode up to the counter. ‘I’m Flight Lieutenant Stanton. I have two tickets for the tea dance booked and paid for.’

  His authoritative tone and crystal-cut diction did the trick. ‘Of course, Flight Lieutenant, I have them here. I hope you enjoy the afternoon.’

  ‘A taxi will call for us at six o’clock.’

  She wasn’t sure why he’d told them this but the snooty young man wrote this information down in his book.

  ‘Why aren’t there any other service people here? We can’t be the only ones with an afternoon off.’

  ‘I think we’re a tad early. I can’t hear the orchestra so it hasn’t started yet. I expect there will be others along once it gets underway.’

  She followed him through the mirrored hall, which made everything look enormous, and into Palm Court itself. Despite her sheltered upbringing even she had heard of this place. It lived up to all her expectations.

  ‘Goodness me – how incredibly grand. I’m glad there are already a few tables occupied as I’d hate to be the only ones in here.’ Her voice echoed a little and she was certain everyone had heard her naïve comment.

  ‘Sir, madam, could I have your names, please?’ The waiter addressing them was so old and bent she was surprised he was allowed to continue working. He looked as if he might drop dead at any moment.

  ‘Flight lieutenant Stanton and Miss Hadley.’

  ‘Why don’t you call me ACW2 Hadley?’

  ‘Sorry, they can see that you’re a WAAF and also that you’re not an officer. So better to call you by your name, don’t you think?’

  The decrepit waiter returned. ‘If you would care to come this way, I’ll conduct you to your table. Is this the first time you’ve attended a tea dance here?’

  ‘It is,’ Oscar said succinctly.

  The old man smiled, showing a set of hideous false teeth. ‘In which case, I’ll explain how things work.’

  *

  Three glorious hours later they ran through the hotel, dodged the blackout curtain and were out into the street where the same taxi was waiting for them.

  ‘I had such a wonderful time, Oscar. Can we do it again?’

  He opened the door and assisted her into the freezing dark interior of the ancient vehicle before he replied. ‘I’d love to take you again. It really didn’t matter that we weren’t in our glad rags as there were at least a dozen other bods in uniform.’

  ‘I was the only girl not in a frock but I really didn’t care. I’m so glad that I paid attention in dance classes – although I rather think it went so smoothly because you’re such an excellent dancer, not because I’m any good. Nobody commented on your stitches – I think maybe they thought you’d been injured in action of some sort.’

  ‘It’s a good thing they didn’t have a Charleston. I don’t think that would have done either of us any good.’

  ‘I would love to have pulled my skirt up over my knees and shocked all the old biddies.’

  They hadn’t worn their thick overcoats and now she regretted it. She couldn’t repress her shiver.

  ‘Here, take my jacket.’

  He had taken it off before she could stop him and she was enveloped in the warm, heavy weight as he draped it over her shoulders. He would freeze with only his shirt but he was a man and no doubt a lot tougher than she was when it came to adverse weather conditions.

  ‘Thank you, how gallant of you. If I snuggle up to you maybe we can share it.’ She slid across the seat and his arm encircled her waist underneath his coat, bringing her even closer than she’d intended. This time her shivers couldn’t have been caused by cold as she was lovely and warm.

  His thigh was hard against hers. She wasn’t sure if she liked it or not. His arm was too firm. Why was he holding her so tight? She couldn’t even see his face. She had no idea of his intentions.

  His free hand gripped her chin and tilted her face. Then his mouth was pressed against hers and everything changed between them.

  18

  Oscar felt Jane stiffen and knew he’d made a catastrophic error by kissing her. The taxi lurched as it hit a pothole forcing him to loosen his hold. She flung herself across the seat. Then his jacket arrived in his lap.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Jane. I shouldn’t have done that.’

  Still she didn’t speak and the silence was more worrying than her reaction. She wasn’t crying. He would have been able to hear that. Had his action triggered some terrible memory? Once his jacket was on and securely buttoned, he tried again.

  ‘Speak to me. Please say something.’ His sympathy was turning slowly to annoyance.

  What with the blackout and the dirt on the cab windows he couldn’t even see her on the far side of the seat. He stretched out a tentative hand but she was pressed against the window and beyond arm’s reach.

  This was ridiculous. She’d been in his arms for the past three hours without complaining. This reaction was that of a frightened child, not a grown woman. A knot formed in his stomach. Had she been abused as a child by someone she trusted – that might be the explanation for this extraordinary behaviour. He recalled his father telling him about someone in the parish this had happened to.

  ‘Jane, don’t be frightened. I’m not going to hurt you. I’ll never let anyone hurt you again.’ This provoked a small whimper. Encouraged by this he continued. ‘You don’t have to tell me what happened when you were little. I understand why you didn’t want to be kissed.’ She didn’t deny his suggestion, which was a start.

  ‘It wasn’t that. You held me too tight. I panicked.’ Her voice was so quiet he could barely hear her.

  ‘I won’t do that again. From now on, you take the lead. I’ll not touch you without your permission.’

  There was movement and then she was back beside him and leaning into his shoulder. Then she shuddered and gulped.

  ‘May I put my arm around you?’

  ‘Please, I’m so sorry. You must think me really stupid.’

  She cried almost silently – he wouldn’t have known for sure if she hadn’t been so close to him. A few minutes later the taxi jolted to a standstill.

  ‘We’re here. Take this handkerchief and dry your eyes whilst I pay for the taxi.’

  He had the coins ready, the fare plus a tip, and dropped it into the outstretched hand of the driver. He leaned across and opened the door and gently encouraged her to stand up and exit the vehicle. It trundled off into the darkness. He felt flakes of snow settling on his face. That’s all they needed – more snow.

  ‘I’m ready now. I’m going to go straight up, so would you get my key for me please?’

  They opened the heavy double doors, shuffled into the space behind the blackout curtain, and then carefully sidled round it. There were no German bombers overhead looking out for stray lights to drop their deadly cargo so it all seemed a bit pointless at the moment. Still, good practice for when it kicked off.

  He’d expected her to bolt across the foyer but she walked with her usual poise, shoulders back, head erect, proud to be a member of the armed services. He was impressed and decided in that moment that whoever had hurt her in the past he would find them and make sure they suffered as much as she had.

 
*

  There was no point in rushing to her room as she couldn’t get in until Oscar gave her the key. Jane just wanted to be alone to process what had happened. She wasn’t normal. She couldn’t allow herself to fall in love with him as it just wouldn’t be fair.

  She leaned against the wall, waiting for him to come with the key whilst she ran through the events in the taxi. She’d loved dancing with him, liked the feel of his hands on her shoulders, around her waist, so why had she behaved like a lunatic when he’d kissed her?

  It was the darkness. Memories she’d tried to push to the back of her mind surged forward. After being beaten that man had often locked her in his study in the dark. She’d known she might be there for hours and if she wet herself that would mean another spanking.

  Her knees gave way and she slid down the wall. Oscar arrived and scooped her up, but instead of taking her to her room he took her to his own. She was too distraught to struggle, to argue. She believed him when he said he’d never hurt her and trusted him to take care of her.

  Somehow, he unlocked the door without putting her down and then closed it behind them. This breach of etiquette was enough to stop her shivering.

  ‘I can’t be in here. The door’s closed. You know what they’ll think.’

  ‘I don’t give a damn what they think. We know what’s happening and that’s all that matters. Promise me you’ll wait? I’m going to get us a stiff drink.’

  ‘I can’t go anywhere as you haven’t given me my key.’

  His smile was tender as he rubbed a tear away with his thumb. ‘Here it is. I’ll also get a pot of coffee. I’ll understand if you’re not here when I get back.’

  He strode away, every inch an officer in command of the situation. He left the door ajar and she could easily have gone but was incapable of movement. Inertia had gripped her. Her limbs refused to do what she wanted and she was better sitting in the armchair than sprawling on the floor in an undignified heap.

  She really wanted to love him back but doubted she’d ever be able to truly reciprocate his feelings. She smiled sadly. Why had such a wonderful man fallen in love with someone so damaged? It didn’t make any sense when he could have anyone he wanted.

  He deserved better than her. She could think of only one way to crush his feelings and that was to tell him the unvarnished truth. Her heart skittered, her stomach churned and her hands were clammy. Did she have the courage to reveal her secret to save this man from inevitable unhappiness?

  As the minutes ticked past she had time to mull over her decision. She glanced at her watch. If he wasn’t back in five minutes she would leave; somehow find the words to break off their friendship tomorrow.

  *

  When Oscar walked into his bedroom he fully expected to find it empty. But she was still there. This time he left the door half-open though he didn’t give a hoot what anyone else thought about him entertaining a girl in his room – but he did care about Jane’s reputation.

  ‘Coffee and cognac.’ He put the tray down on the bureau, concerned that she made no response. She looked older somehow, immeasurably sad, and he dreaded what she was going to say to him, though thought he probably knew. She was going to sever the connection and there was nothing he could do about it.

  In peacetime he would have been able to give her a few weeks to think about things and then go around and see her until she changed her mind. Now, with them both serving and action likely as soon as the weather improved, if she didn’t want to see him then that was it.

  He poured them both a large measure of brandy in the balloon glasses provided, added several lumps of sugar to her coffee and then took hers over.

  ‘Thank you. I need Dutch courage in order to tell you why I behave as I do.’ She sipped the brandy and pulled a face.

  ‘Tip it into your coffee – you might find it more palatable like that.’

  He watched her do that and then removed the empty glass from her hand and put it back on the tray. He downed his in one swallow and thought he was probably going to need several more. He drank the coffee as quickly and couldn’t help wondering how many more times he would be able to enjoy this dark, bitter brew before it became unobtainable.

  ‘Oscar, please sit down over there. Give me your word that you won’t interrupt. It’s going to be very hard for me to tell you this and I need to do it in one go if I’m to do it at all.’

  She didn’t look at him but kept her head lowered. Her hands were clenched in her lap. He listened with growing incredulity as she revealed the nightmare that was her life until she’d escaped a few months ago.

  ‘My God, the bastard. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you had to endure that for so long. None of it was your fault. Anyone who treats a child the way that monster treated you should be… should be…’

  Words failed him. He could hardly say out loud what he’d like to do to him. She’d suffered enough violence in her life and threatening to disembowel her father wouldn’t be helpful.

  Finally, she raised her head and stared at him. ‘I’m damaged beyond repair. I really, really like you and know that you feel the same. But, I’m no good for you or anyone. You deserve someone whole, someone you can have a normal relationship with.’

  ‘No, you’re wrong. Sweetheart, Jane, don’t do this. I think you’ve already guessed that I’ve got feelings for you. We can work this out together, however long it takes.’

  She pushed herself up like an old woman. ‘No, I’m right and once you’ve had time to think about it, you’ll agree with me. I’d be like the proverbial millstone around your neck. I want you to be happy and that won’t happen if we continue this.’

  His instinct was to leap to his feet, hold her tight and tell her how much he loved her, that they could get married and then she would be safe from harm, but he did none of it. He had to let her go, for her sake, not his, whatever he might think about the matter.

  When she was at the door he stood up, but remained where he was. ‘Jane, as far as I’m concerned you’re perfect. Not damaged, not stupid, but brave, brilliant and beautiful. If ever you change your mind just write to me. I expect I’ll be posted elsewhere but with my name, rank and number any letters will always catch up with me.’

  She brushed a hand across her eyes, shook her head, and walked out of his life. He wanted to go after her but knew it would be no use. She’d gone and his only consolation was that maybe in a year or two when she was a bit older and her past wasn’t so raw, she might reconsider.

  One thing he was quite certain of – neither of them would be starting a new relationship. He wondered if he would ever meet anyone else or would he remain a bachelor forever in love with someone unobtainable?

  Despite his misery his lips curved at his nonsense. He sounded like something from a cheap romance novel. Get a grip, man – there’s a war on. From now on he would avoid female company and concentrate on his duty. King and Country came first. Being disappointed in love was trivial compared with what was about to happen.

  He didn’t want to bump into her tomorrow morning so hastily packed his overnight bag, slung his gas mask over his shoulder, and headed for the reception desk. He’d thought he would have to pay for the room as he’d left it so late to check out but the hotel was busy and there were two couples waiting hopefully to see if a room became vacant.

  It was too late to get back to base tonight so he would find himself a cheap guesthouse near the station and catch the first train in the morning. He was lucky and found a bed for the night somewhere respectable. He then went in search of the nearest pub to drown his sorrows.

  *

  Jane knew that if she gave in she would spend the night crying into her pillow. She would remember Oscar’s heartbroken expression for the rest of her life. She wished he hadn’t fallen in love with her so easily. She wasn’t a lovable person – didn’t deserve someone as wonderful as him.

  After washing her face in cold water, she took several deep breaths and was ready to face the world. She’
d thought she would never, ever tell a living soul everything that had happened to her and now Oscar knew. Even though they were no longer together, she was glad that she’d trusted him with her secret.

  Walking to the underground in the dark, with only a pinpoint of light on her torch to guide her, wasn’t as terrifying as she’d imagined. She knew the route, had a good sense of direction and was able to get back to Bentley Priory as if she’d been travelling around London on her own for years.

  After signing in she looked down the page for Elizabeth’s name. It wasn’t there. Why hadn’t she returned this morning? For a second or two Jane was worried but then remembered that her erstwhile friend was far more sophisticated than her and probably had half a dozen people in Town she could stay with. Having something else to think about took her mind off her own unhappiness and she was able to put on a brave face for the others and was confident no one would know anything was amiss.

  There was still no sign of Elizabeth at breakfast the next day. There was only half an hour before the bus came to take them to the filter room. She was cutting it a bit fine. Only as they trooped out to get on the bus did the missing girl eventually arrive.

  ‘I’m so sorry, I only realised I hadn’t paid my bill later on. I rang the hotel yesterday and they said you’d settled it. That was so kind of you. I’ll tell you everything later when we get a minute to ourselves.’

  ‘I’m so glad you got back in time.’ She couldn’t think of anything else to say that she didn’t want to be heard by those sitting behind them in the bus. ‘Have you noticed there’re always so many pretty faces around the table?’

  One of the girls sitting behind her leaned forward. ‘Didn’t you know, quite a lot of them have been recruited from the Cochran girls?’

  Jane was none the wiser but her friend understood the reference immediately. ‘Do you mean the girls who do high kicks on the stage in London?’

  ‘I do. It surprised me that so many of them had the high level of education required for this job.’